Immoral by Nicole Dykes

I don’t wantto get up and face the day, not even a little bit. I kissed him. I more than kissed him.

And he pushed me away.

Yet again.

All night, I went over the moments of last night. His hands, large and commanding. His lips were soft but firm. The way I remember them. His body is all hard edges and brute strength. But still, I was able to hold him there against the outside of the house, demanding his attention.

Until I wasn’t.

Until he walked away from me yet again.

I have no idea what that kiss meant. I’ve never been attracted to another guy in my entire life, but with Ry, it’s different. Neither time was just a drunken fluke. I wanted it. Both times.

But it has to be clear to my stupid fucking brain by now that he just doesn’t want me.

I mean, he’s gay. He isn’t struggling with his sexuality, so it isn’t that, like I thought it was in high school. No. It has to be me.

Fucking great.

I finally sit up in the bed in one of his guest rooms and grab my phone off the side table. I see a text from Waylon, asking if we can get together and tell him I’m still at Ryan’s.

He tells me he’s on his way, and I cringe, thinking maybe I should have asked Ryan first. I mean, I don’t fucking know. What’s the protocol for the day after you blow someone off? Does he even want to see me? Does he need space? Is it cool for me to just invite my manager over?

Fuck. I’ve never worried about anything this much in my life.

I grumble as I stand up, tugging on a pair of sweatpants because I’m pretty sure only briefs is a no-no at this point.

I walk down to the kitchen and see Ryan is already there, dressed in shorts and a cutoff shirt. “Going somewhere?”

His stormy blue eyes meet mine, and I see the concern written all over his face. “For a run.”

I nod my head at that, never having felt as fucking awkward as I do right now. Not because I kissed a guy, but because said guy pushed me away.

“Okay, um . . . Waylon needs to talk about something with me and is on his way over.” I drag my hand through my hair awkwardly. “Is that okay?”

“The dude who was here just yesterday?” His tone screams annoyance, and I walk a little closer to him, annoyed by him being annoyed.

“Yeah. My manager. I just didn’t know if you were kicking my ass out this morning or not.”

His shitty attitude seems to deflate at least a little. “Of course, I’m not.”

“You sure about that, Ry? You looked ready to pack up and bolt from your own house last night.”

He sighs and walks even closer to me now, his eyes scanning my face, and I think for a minute he might touch me. Maybe even kiss me, but he takes a step back. “I’m not running. And I’m not kicking you out. But what happened last night . . .

I fill the gap he just put between our bodies, my bare toes touching his tennis shoes. “A hot as fuck kiss.”

I watch his Adam’s apple bob erratically in his throat and notice he looks pained. “It can’t happen again, Grady.”

“What? Why not?” I may not have any experience with guys, but I know I liked having this one in particular pressed against me last night.

He looks at me like I’m stupid. “You like girls.”

My hand moves to his hip, wanting to pull him closer, but he’s a big fucker, and especially when he’s tense like this, he’s not moving. “I like one guy.”

“No.” He shakes his head and pushes my hand away. “Look, maybe you like both, and if you do, you should go for it. You should go and kiss a whole bunch of boys, but not me.”

“Why the hell not?” It stings. I hate that it fucking stings, but I think I need to hear him say it, say he just isn’t into me. Maybe he really is into the smaller guys. Softer, I don’t know. And if that’s true, that’s fine, but I want to hear it.

“Because I’m not going to be your fucking experiment, Grady. I’m just not. So, yeah. No more kissing.”

He starts toward the front door, and I want to fucking chase after him, but I don’t know what to say to that. I hear the front door click and shortly after, I buzz Waylon in who’s frantic by the time he gets to the front door. “Okay, so I have a great opportunity for you.”

“Hey to you too,” I say, and he waves me off, taking a seat on the couch in Ryan’s living room.

“Hey. I have a great . . .” His face drops as I plop down next to him. “What’s the matter?”

“What? Nothing?”

He studies me, clearly not buying it. “No.” He waves his hand in my direction. “Something is definitely wrong. You look like someone died.” He clutches his chest. “Did someone die?”

“No,” I laugh because he cracks me up even when I feel like shit. “Something kind of happened.”

“What?” He leans forward, interested now.

I take a deep breath. “I kissed Ry.”

His nose scrunches up. “Ry? As in Ryan Bailey?”

“Yup.” I slouch back into the comfy cushion behind me. “That one.”

“Oh my God. Wait, what?” He looks shocked, and I guess it could be a shock. Ryan isn’t even out, and I’m supposedly straight.

“Once on graduation night and then again last night.”

“Wow.” His eyes are wide, and it would be comical if, again, I didn’t feel like total shit right now.

“Yeah.”

“So . . . I mean what happened? And who the hell kissed who?”

“I kissed him.” I shrug. “Both times. But he kissed me back.”

He’s processing, his back straight and his hands on his knees as he goes over the information I just gave him. “So, who is the one freaking out? You or him? Or both?”

My fingers rake through my hair, and at this point I’m surprised I have any left. “Look,” I meet his eyes. “You can’t say anything, but Ryan . . .” I look toward the door as if he’s going to walk through, and then back at Waylon, who is as much a friend as he is my manager. “He’s not exactly straight.”

His lips purse together. “I thought maybe I got a vibe yesterday but wasn’t sure.”

I nearly growl at his words, thinking about what the hell that could mean but decide to keep on going instead of investigating this “vibe.” “Right.

“So, it’s you that’s freaking out?”

“No.” I shake my head. “He did. Both fucking times. He ran, not me.”

“But you’re straight?” He says it like a question, and I shrug.

“I don’t fucking know. All I know is I really, really liked kissing him both times.”

He gapes at me, his eyes wide and his jaw dropped before his puts a hand on my shoulder. “Oh, honey, You love him, huh?”

An uncomfortable feeling swirls deep in my gut. A feeling I’ve pushed away for so damn long and never let myself get close to again.

“We’re friends.”

“Right. Friends.” He nods his head, but it’s condescending like he doesn’t believe me at all. “You know, one time I got really drunk and ended up kissing one of my best friends. He was great, and I mean drop-dead gorgeous. I should have loved kissing him.” I turn to focus on him, wondering where he’s going with this. “Anyway, halfway into the kiss, we both stopped and just started cracking up. I mean, it was like kissing my brother. And he felt the exact same. We never did it again.”

Yeah, kissing Ry is definitely not like kissing a brother. It was fucking hot. My body actually heats up and tingles just thinking about it. I clear my throat and try to push the memories away. “Yeah, it wasn’t like that with him. It was hot.”

He pats me again on the shoulder, smiling. “I think you’re in love, my friend. Like actual love.”

“He can’t seem to get over the fact that I’ve never been with a guy before.”

He gnaws on his bottom lip, thinking about that information, no-doubt. “Aren’t you freaking out about that a little?”

I smile and shrug. “Maybe a little. But I don’t know . . . You know me, Waylon. I go with the flow.”

He offers me a megawatt smile of his own. “So, the fact that he has a dick and not a . . .” his face actually scrunches up in disgust, “vagina . . .” He shudders, and fuck, I do too, hearing him say the word.

“Don’t ever say that again.”

He holds up one hand in the air. “That I can promise.” We both laugh, and then he moves on. “It really doesn’t bother you?”

I’ve never really thought about my sexuality before. I’ve just been with whoever I’ve been attracted to at the time, and it just so happens, it was usually women, except Ry. “No. Not when it comes to him. I want him.”

“Be sure. Completely sure. And then go for it, if that’s what you want. Confidence is sexy, my friend. No matter what gender you’re working with.”

“Thanks, Waylon.”

“Anytime.” When he straightens his back again, I know he’s about to get down to business. “Okay, so now we need to get to me and this charity I booked for you. And you have to do it.”

I laugh, grateful I have him in my life.

But so damn afraid even with him to lean on, I’m going to fuck it all up.

Or even worse, that Ry isn’t into me at all.