Tarnished Love by Bianca Borell
CHLOE
Something is different about him when he comes back.
“Wanna see a movie?” He nods while he takes a seat on the other end of the couch. He’s distancing himself. Then I will torment him. I sign in to my Netflix account and decide to start with a sappy movie. But to my astonishment his focus never wavers as he has always tried to understand this emotional type of love. He looks for the same as me.
“What about this one?”
“It’s a romantic movie, not horror.”
“You’d chose the romantic one over horror?”
“Every day.”
Let’s test that, shall we?
After the romantic ones, I start an animated one, and when his eyes glisten when Olaf melts, I fall in love with him again.
It’s Friday, tomorrow morning we’ll leave. I don’t know why he wants to stay longer. The last two days he said nothing except to confess everything that would have pushed me away—threesomes, orgies, drunken stupors in Paris. It’s not the type of confession from the heart, he does it on purpose. He’s given up on us. I should be relieved, I am not.
“Fuck me.”
“What?”
“You heard me, come on, one last time,” I shout at him while he balls his hands at his sides and marches to me. “What are you waiting for?” I yank my clothes off. I am naked, and bloody vulnerable.
He turns on his heel, slamming the door as he disappears into the forest. My head drops on the headboard, and I sigh. It’s not about him sleeping with her anymore, it’s about me trusting him enough not to break me again.
I am awake when he tiptoes into the room, and I close my eyes and feign sleep. An actress taught me how to regulate my breathing, and he buys it. He climbs in next to me and whispers, “I lied. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. Insta love, a damn laughable concept, most would say it’s chemistry, wanting, but then why did my heart react sooner than my dick. I hated it. I couldn’t fight it either. Do you want another confession? I hated Damien more for you loving him than for costing me my sister.
“Fucked up, right? No, it’s love. You taught me what love is. Thank you, but if I could, I would have never fallen in love at all. I succeeded until you came in my life, an avalanche, over the already wrecked and piled mess of my life. I told you my greatest sins, my regrets. There is one more thing, no one knows it, no one will ever know it either. I had a vasectomy after her, I could have never gotten you pregnant. I never wanted to be just someone else’s ticket into this life, but when I came inside you, I almost regretted it because for the first time I wanted the whole deal. A family of my own, with you. I am fucked up, and you’re scared where this will lead. I am too, Chloe. It hurts, but I’ll stop. I tarnished our love.”
Tears stream down my cheeks. We’re both messed up, this is why when we were together everything was better. I don’t turn around, but when he falls asleep, I tiptoe downstairs and call Anabelle.
“What would it say about me if I forgive him?”
“Are you asking permission?”
“No, just an honest opinion.”
“We slept naked on the sofa, let’s not make this more awkward than it is. It is something we can’t erase, but it doesn’t need to affect you loving him or wanting him either. I am fine, Chloe, I want to see you happy and if he does, stop ruminating. Take a chance.”
“What if he isn’t worth it?”
“You won’t find out until you try.”
We hang up, and I get back in bed and tuck him in, even though the only one needing warmth is me. I seek his body while he presses me to him, giving me what I need.
We spend the morning in a rush. We have to return, it’s the bachelorette party, and I decide to join the girls rather than the boys.
He scratches his head, defeat oozing out of him. I love him, but . . . This bloody but.
“Where should I take you?”
“To your place.” He snaps his head at me, and I add, “If it’s not a problem, but I can go to a hotel.”
“No, why? It’s enough space.”
We tiptoe around each other. What happened to us? His phone rings, and his mom’s soft voice mixed with impatience echoes through the speaker system.
“Filip, where are you?”
“On my way.”
“Good.”
“Need me to bring you some valium?”
“Filip du Mont, I can still hold this together.”
I giggle, and she asks, “Is someone with you?”
“Yes, and she can hear you.”
“Will I meet your mysterious girl?”
“She’ll be at the wedding.”
“I am telling you, if one of you does something spontaneous like these two, I am quitting. They have an excuse, you don’t.”
“Mom, how did we skip from meeting her to marrying her in the same sentence.”
“I know what I raised. And your sister has been emotionally blackmailing everyone because of her heart.”
“Call her on it.”
“Filip, I just got her back. She can do whatever she wants.”
“What about me?”
“Don’t you dare.”
“Thank you, Mom, I appreciate it.”
He ends the call with the flick of a thumb on the wheel, and I giggle.
“She is sweet.”
“Yes, she’s delighted Bria is okay now. It was hard on her. They were close, I mean as close as you could be with either Bria or Damien, but still.”
“You have no idea how good you had it, I guess you all were just loved.”
***
As I step inside his home in Zürich, I take in the airy, modern and minimalistic decorated space, similar to the one in London, and ask over my shoulder, “Where would you like to live if you didn’t have to switch between Zürich and London?”
“I did that because of Bria and Damien, they’re fine. I am ready to settle.”
“I could never live outside London.”
Why am I telling him this, to test if we could try? His face transforms into surprise, but recovers quickly and replies.
“I could live in either, I am at home in both.”
“So?”
“Chloe, if you say tomorrow I want you, I will pack my things and move to London to stay, happy?”
“I said nothing.”
“No, at least you were braver. Now you just hint as if you expect us not to have a future, anyway. I thought we settled that this week.”
I storm to his bedroom. Why can’t I leave? Voices pull me out of my train of thought and I peer outside to find Sophia asking where I am.
“Hi.”
She glances from me to him and sighs, caressing his arm. They love each other strongly in this family. I could have this too.
“What’s the plan?”
“There is no plan, I had to threaten them with bodily harm just to have this sham of a bachelorette party. They’re worse than they used to be. Sarah has moved up to saint rank in my eyes.”
But love shines in her eyes, happy for them.
“When should I be ready?”
“At eight?”
“That’s a bit early, isn’t it?”
“Damien doesn’t want her to get too tired. He takes his health police job seriously.”
“Come on.”
“Shut up, Filip, I know how serious this is, but I also know she hates if anyone ever treats her like she’s fragile. I am on her side, so I dare you to tell her what she can and cannot do.”
I love how fierce she is, ruthless too. I want in this family so bad it startles me.
“Excuse me.” I rush into the room and throw myself on the bed. When did this happen? But it’s hard to overlook how strong they love each other, and even if they don’t agree on things, their bonds are so strong it’s mesmerizing. I pull myself together and get back up.
Filip knocks on the door while I finish applying my makeup.
“Come in.”
He leans on the doorframe in his closet, while I turn to him, and he sizes me up.
“What do you think?” I ask, and his eyes widen.
“Beautiful.”
“Can you help me with the zipper?”
“Yes, of course.” He approaches me while I turn and catch the light tremble when he lifts his hands to my nape. His long forefinger glides down my exposed back and over my bottom. He zips it up, my cocktail dress hugging my frame. He says nothing, just our heated breaths echo in the night. Soph throws me a T-shirt with bridesmaid glittered on it, and I put it over my head.
“See you afterward.”
“I put a spare key on the table for you.”
***
In the booth of a sky restaurant, we are all plastered in the plush couch. I have never seen Bria laugh. I never cared either. My disdain made me subjective, but as her entire face beams, I am happy for her.
“It’s a relief to see her like this,” Sarah whispers and leans to me.
Sophia says something, and she throws her head back, still laughing, and it must be related to Damien, his name always brings her joy. Sarah taps her finger on her wine glass, eyeing two of Bria’s three bodyguards.
“I don’t know which one is sexier?”
“Thomas,” all three of us say, and we burst into laughter.
“He has a girlfriend.”
“You’re getting married,” Sarah says, and Bria rolls her eyes at her. Even I know there is no man on earth she wants more. It’s pretty clear by now.
“Just joking.”
“Adrian is not that bad.”
“Really, Bria, would it have been sufficient if I organized you an almost best wedding?” We erupt into another laughing session while Bria lifts her hands in the air.
“Just saying.”
She talks about her tattoo, and Sophia has to be the visual type, as she laughs the hardest. You could hear her love for him by the way she pronounces his name.
I think I am off the hook when Filip pops in the discussion.
“So, is he in or out?” I shrug.
“If I might say something?” Bria rolls her eyes at Soph, Sarah bites her lip, she’ll say it anyway. “He loves you.” I open my mouth but before I can say anything she continues, “And don’t ask me how, but we’ve been connected at the hip. If someone knows him, it’s me.”
“I am afraid.”
“It’s normal, Chloe,” answers Bria, and I am more interested in her response than anyone else’s. “But love is something you love through.”
“He slept with her best friend,” adds Sarah.
“We all make mistakes,” I add, protecting him.
When the night ends, I’m a bit tipsy and still unsure what to do. That’s a lie, but how do I do it? I’ll just tell him when he comes back. I scoot onto the bed and open my mouth when he enters, phone on his ear, a feminine voice ringing in the night.
“I’ll call you when I am back. Coffee or drinks?”
“Coffee and I pay this time, give me this, one time.”
“Fine,” he says and smiles, and my heart deflates. He places his phone on the nightstand, slipping off his jacket.
“Had fun tonight?” My voice ends on a pitch, and I hate that he catches it. Did he already find someone else?
“That was Camilla, she leads our NGO.”
“Did I ask?”
“No, but this entire room reeks of your bullshit.”
“You, you prick, I am not jealous.” I scoot upright, pointing at his chest.
“Right, my apologies,” he says and disappears inside his closet. Fuck this. I put a pair of jeans, plain t-shirt and a jacket and storm away. I’ll stay at Damien’s. When I reach his place, he hugs me.
“What did he do?”
“I was jealous, he called me on it, I ran away.” He invites me in and suppresses his amusement.
“Good strategy.”
“You should tell me what the rational thing is?”
“I could tell you how to lead a company, how to make one successful, but you of all people should know when it comes to my personal life, I have been an idiot.”
“True.”
He smiles, his face serene, and relief wraps around me. Inside his living room, a hundred notes are scattered on the floor. He loves her so much it humbles me.
“I am happy for you.”
“Thank you, Chloe.”
“She is a very lucky woman.”
“No, I am the lucky one.”
“No but believe what you want.”
It feels like a goodbye, which is strange, we’re more than friends.
“You know I will always be there, don’t you?”
I nod, emotions wrapping around my chest, I am an emotional mess.
“Chloe, fear in the best-case scenarios breeds a false sense of security.”
“So, I should be brave?”
“You should do what makes you happy. He is a good guy, he’s loyal, fierce, and protective. He will always be at your side, cheering and raising you to whatever heights you want to climb.”
“I can do that alone.”
“Of course, but life is not intended to be spent alone.”
“Why am I not surprised that you believe in this complementing shit, two halves forming a whole?”
“Real love feels like this, but it’s more like making space. I don’t even know if the sides have the same dimensions, but when two people click, it sure feels like complementing. Don’t become a bitter person, Chloe,” he says and lifts my chin.
“I talked to Bria one time, the first time you brought me with you. Curious what she said to me?” He nods, and at her name alone, strong emotions cross his eyes.
“To make you happy.” He closes his eyes as if to tuck my admission deep within him.
“Be happy with her, Damien.”
“Thank you, Chloe.”
He insists I stay with him, but he needs this night to himself, perhaps writing more notes to send to her the next day.
I let myself back inside Filip’s apartment. He shoots from his chair, seething, only to march toward the bedroom.
“Did you worry?” I ask, irony coating my words. He doesn’t answer while I undress, and he watches me. I freeze when he opens his mouth.
“You give me whiplash. You have until noon to decide what you want.”
“Are you serious? I thought you were joking.”
“I am fucking serious. I know what I want.” He digs his finger in his chest, accusation burning in the flickers of gold in his eyes.
“It didn’t seem like you knew the last few days.”
“This bullshit has to end, one moment you want me, the next you push me away.”
“You are not afraid?”
“Me? I never said I am not, but I am also not a coward to run away from this.” Face to face, our heavy breaths mingle.
“What happened in the kitchen?”
“I realized how I fucked up.”
“And instead of getting your head straight, you wanted to push me away only to give me an ultimatum.” It’s my turn now to dig a finger in his chest while he yanks at his hair.
“I also love you. I never said I was perfect.”
“You, you . . .” I breathe through the anger blaring through me. He’ll make me go ballistic. I open my mouth to shout some curses, but I clamp it back together when I look at him, his hair disheveled, his eyes hooded, his lips down turned, his head dropped. With him showing vulnerability, I can’t stay mad at him. He lifts his chin, perhaps surprised I haven’t said anything. We just stare at each other. I end it and turn to pick a silk pajama shirt of his, tiredness weighing me down. Tomorrow will be a long day. I climb in bed next to him, both on our backs, staring at the ceiling.
“I was at Damien’s.”
“Why did you come back?”
You know why, damn it. But instead, I shrug.
“Whatever you decide, you’re not alone. You are part of this family, even if you don’t want to be with me, you’re family through Damien, like Alex is for Bria.”
“Good night, Filip.”
“Good night, Chloe.”
I toss and turn in bed until he shifts to me and drags me to him. His heart beats, his earthy and uniquely manly scent lull me into safety, and I fall asleep.
