Tarnished Love by Bianca Borell
FILIP
I have no idea if we have progressed. There are moments when I believe she is close to giving me another chance, and then there are moments like this one when we share a meal, but she just plays with the food and stares out the window. Three more days, and I will have to respect her decision. I have to, I have to, I keep repeating in my head, whatever she wants.
“Why me?” she questions, snapping her gaze to me.
“When Damien first brought you with him, I saw you, and my heart raced in my chest. It shocked me so I masked my true feelings. You were hot, but I didn’t understand why such an intense reaction. I found myself thinking of you, looking for you. Plus, every time we interacted, the desire, need, and curiosity intensified. I don’t have one right answer, just a lot of possible answers as to how and why I fell in love with you.”
“Damien.”
I feel my eyebrows narrowing, and she adds, “I realized I fell in love with you when Damien pointed out there must be someone.”
“Really?”
“I love him, Filip, but I was never in love with him. It startled me too to understand the difference.”
“What about me?”
“That’s not fair.”
“It’s a yes/no question.” Her nostrils flare, she slams her fork on the table and jumps up.
I hold my head between my hands. Love should be selfless, right? I never learned how to let things go, especially the ones I want, and I want her. How will I let her go? And here you have it, I am the embodiment of a spoiled, entitled prick.
***
“You don’t fall out of love because you’re hurt, you can hurt a thousand years and still love that person, you just tire of hoping, wanting the impossible.”
My sister’s words ring in my head while I wander through the thick forest. When I spot a family of deer. I snap a picture to show to Chloe later. She reminds me of one too, always on the edge in case someone is after her.
Calmness descends when I step inside and catch her on the couch, reading from that book of poems.
“Read me some.” I take my jacket off, put it in the closet, and sit next to her. She places her head in my lap and gives me the book. I only stop when her breathing turns even and heavy with sleep. Everyone falls in love, but how many get to their end with the love of their lives?
***
I peel my eyes open and catch Chloe staring back at me, laying on her belly, her hands supporting her chin.
“You’re beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
“So, you can take a compliment.”
“It’s the truth, you bet I am going to take it.” She shakes her head at me. “You are so full of it.”
“So, when I call you beautiful, what do you think?”
“That you think I am beautiful?”
“A question, really?” She giggles, and the sound wakes my dick. She eyes it only to burst into laughter seconds later. I throw my head back and shut my eyes.
“And cruel, beautiful but cruel.”
“Do you want me to take care of it?”
“Yes.” Her hand slides down my pants and somehow amongst the lust I remember.
“Stop.”
“You took my words literally?”
“Of course, I did.”
“I want you.”
“I want you too, but more than that I want you to want me for more than for my dick.” Her mouth hangs open, and she scoots onto her bottom, crossing her arms.
“You’re such a dick.”
“I am, but don’t you want to give us a second chance?”
“This has nothing to do with it.”
“It has everything to do with it. Fuck, Chloe, wake up!” I storm away and take a cold shower. “Give me a chance, Filip. This one sentence was said to me a hundred times over the years. This has to be fucking karma,” I mumble while I put a steak in a pan.
“You cook in a towel now?”
“Yes, is that a problem?” But the moment the words are out, sprinkles of oil dig into my stomach, and I hiss. She runs to the sink, snatches a towel, soaks it and puts it on the heated and red skin while I hiss at the coldness.
“It serves you right, you stubborn prick.”
Don’t lose it, don’t lose it, and show her you are exactly what she says you are. I breathe through the pain of realization slicing through me.
“I can’t believe you did this.”
What the fuck am I doing when I already know the outcome. I can’t look at her anymore. Shame and sorrow deflate me. I showed her all the jagged pieces of me, but I slept with her best friend. It’s the first time I acknowledge what it truly means. Why would she want me? Because I can make her come? She’s perfect on her own, and I don’t deserve her.
“It’s okay. I am fine.”
I lie. I let her be. She plops on her bottom, her hands trembling. Three more days, just stop, Filip.
