Becoming His by Mariah Dietz
For the rest of the week I intently focus on school and preparing for finals; I don’t go to the track at all, not wanting to risk running into Max. Pink peonies are delivered to the apartment every day, and he calls and texts me nearly hourly. I ignore them all.
Abby’s been staying with Jesse, but she comes home to be with me, and I ignore her so she doesn’t feel obliged to coddle me. The last thing I want to do is make everyone else suffer along with me. She ignores my attempts to shut her out and glues herself to my side, offering entertainment and distractions with getting out of the apartment and staying busy. I turn her down each time, and she rallies against me, putting in movies and lying in my bed with me each night.
Wes tries talking to me in class a few times, but I politely ignore him as well and make excuses for not going running. I don’t want to see him either. As much as I like Wes, I’m not planning on remaining friends with him if things don’t work out with Max and me.
After my last class on Friday I head directly home to my parents. I need to get out of my apartment and away from San Diego. I’m surprised to see my dad’s car already in the driveway as I pull up but feel relieved with the comforting knowledge.
I find him in his shop, peering under the hood of Clementine. He turns around as I enter and gives me a warm smile. “Want to help?”
I don’t respond but climb into the passenger seat of the car and set my bag on the light beige leather seat beside me.
“You’ve been awfully quiet this week,” he says, fidgeting with a wrench.
I close my eyes and silently debate what to share with him. I hear the slide of metal and open my eyes, though I already know what I’ll see. “Penny for your thoughts?” The familiar sentiment that I grew up with brings a small burst of warmth to my chest.
“Sorry, Dad, I’ve just been busy with school,” I lie, reaching up to accept the penny that I fold into my palm. He looks at me for a thoughtful moment, and I can feel him getting ready to peel back my first layer, so I reach into my bag and grab a textbook and some note cards to create more flash cards for Anatomy and hopefully hide some of my emotions.
“Do you remember when you were a sophomore and you had that really big soccer game against Roosevelt, and I promised you that I’d be there, but forgot about it and went to the pre-season Chargers game with Marty?” I nod once, giving him a sideways glance, wondering where he’s going with this. “You didn’t get on the bus with the rest of your team because I was supposed to be there. I missed, what I’ve heard from many, one of your best games and then left you at a school forty-five minutes away.” He puts both of his palms on the driver’s side door and leans forward, looking at me. “What happened?”
I look at him confused, he knows what had happened. “What happened, Ace?”
“Mindi went into labor.”
Dad nods. “You couldn’t get a hold of anyone, and at ten o’clock you started to walk home because you didn’t want to tell anyone I forgot about you. Enter Caulder, stage left,” he jokes. “Thankfully he insisted on driving you home.”
“Dad, where are we going with this trip down memory lane?”
“There are going to be times when the people you love and that love you are going to disappoint you, and it hurts. And sometimes that hurt makes you question the reality of it all. But sometimes you have to listen to your heart and not your head, kiddo. Max made a mistake. He made a big mistake, and he realized it the second he did it. I don’t think he was trying to hurt you, mon amor. I think he thought he was trying to protect you and prove his love for you and just didn’t realize quickly enough that it wasn’t the right way to do it. I understand what he was thinking, though. I know what it feels like to want to prove something to someone that doubts you. I think we can all understand that.” He leans forward on his forearms, his chin angling as his eyes look at me with a softness that makes my chest feel tight.
“Corneille said that ‘love and reason are sworn enemies.’ Don’t let your fear of what could have been affect what you two have.” Usually in the past when my dad deals advice, he allows me to process it and handle things on my own time. He’s still leaning forward, looking at me patiently, waiting for me to respond.
“I can’t believe Kendall called you!”
He gives me a slight smile and shakes his head. “She didn’t. Max came by last night to help me replace the transmission.”
“He told you what happened?”
“I think he’s having a really difficult time and was looking for some advice on how to heal things with you guys from someone that knows you, and has disappointed you before.” His brown eyes focus on mine before he continues. “He loves you, Ace, and if you’re not ready, or aren’t able to get past this, I’ll support you, but I think he’s genuine when he says he loves you. And I believe him when he says he has no feelings for this other girl. I don’t want you to throw away a good thing because you hit a speed bump. Relationships are going to have their ups and their downs, but if you can’t forgive and ride out the bad, you’re never going to get the really great.” He lifts his dark eyebrows at me.
I drop his gaze and set my pen down, running my fingers down the spine of my text book. “I’m nothing like her, Dad. She’s beautiful, in a really high-maintenance, plastic surgery, ‘I don’t know how to open my own car door’ sense.”
“That’s what you’re worried about?” His tone makes me feel like I’m being ridiculous and childish arguing that my half is smaller than his. I shrug, keeping my eyes on my fingers so I don’t have to see his expression.
“Sometimes I really wish you could see yourself through my eyes, or Max’s, so you had just a fraction of an idea of how special you are.”
“You’re my dad,” I protest.
“Yes, I am. And I’m very proud to be your dad, Ace, but even if I wasn’t I’d still be able to recognize what a remarkable person you are. It kills me that you doubt yourself so much. If there was one thing that I wish I could change about you it would be your confidence in yourself because you have the potential to do amazing things, but if you continue to doubt yourself, you’re always going to prevent yourself from making the leap from amazing to extraordinary.”
I take a deep breath and glance up at him to see his eyes focused on me. “It wasn’t easy for him to come talk to me. He looked terrified when he said another girl kissed him. He had no pride during the entire conversation. It was sincere, and I think he’s pretty hurt and afraid right now.”
I sit up and shove my books and note cards back in my bag. “I’ll see you next weekend, Dad.” I climb out of the car and walk around to where he’s standing with a proud grin on his face, one that reminds me of the look he used to give me when he’d come to my soccer games and gift to me after I pulled off a particularly difficult maneuver.
“Thanks for the advice,” I say softly and press a kiss to his cheek before I turn to leave.
“I love you too, Ace.”
“I love you too.”
Max’s Jeep is thankfully the only car in the driveway as I arrive. I slowly ascend the stairs, feeling my heart beat more intensely with each step that I take toward Max’s closed bedroom door. I reach for the handle and allow the door to swing open fully before I step inside, silently cursing myself for not knocking and making such a dramatic and bizarre entrance. I look around, taking in the fact that the room is still pretty messy, but not nearly as destroyed as it had been earlier this week.
His bathroom door opens and Max steps out with a towel wrapped around his waist. His torso’s still damp from showering as he looks at me with shock and hesitation marred on his features. It’s obvious he’s thinking the worst from the distance I’ve worked to create.
“Ace, are you—”
I cross the few feet between us and press my mouth against his before he can finish. I feel his surprise as he hesitantly kisses me back, and I wrap my arms around his neck and push up on my toes to deepen the kiss. He becomes responsive nearly instantly, lacing his hand through my hair up to the back of my neck as his other falls to my waist. His fingers clench as my tongue traces his, and we kiss until my lips are numb.
We stare at each other for a long moment. “God, I’ve missed you.” He breathes, threading his fingers further into my hair.
“I don’t fully understand your relationship with her. It intimidates me that she’s known you for so long, and that you guys have such a history. I think I just—” I let out a deep sigh while rubbing the hem of my shorts between my thumb and forefinger as I divert my eyes to look over Max’s shoulder, looking for something to focus on while he reads my soul.
Max’s hand slowly unravels from my hair and slides along my jaw, stopping at my chin where he gently clasps and turns my head so my eyes return to his. “You just what?”
“I don’t know. It scared me, Max. It really scared me. It still does … I mean, I’m nothing like her.”
“Why are you afraid?” he whispers.
“Because obviously you cared for her if you guys dated off and on for years; there was something bringing you back to her. And when I see her, all I see is everything that I’m not. I mean the dress, the eyelashes, the inflatable pool toys she calls her chest.” Max laughs and wraps the hand holding my chin back to my neck and brings his other hand up to cup my face as I stare into his sapphire eyes.
“I’ve never cared for anyone the way that I care for you. It scares me, like nightmare inducing scares me, how much you could hurt me,” I admit quietly.
“How do you not see it?” His thumb softly brushes my cheek as his eyes warm, turning a brilliant blue. “Ace, I know. I know who you are, and that’s why I love you. I love that you will throw on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and go out in public with me. And I love that you have a ridiculous number of old shirts that you wear without a care in the world, because even when you’re wearing them with jeans, you’re always the most gorgeous girl in the room.” His face tilts closer to mine, his eyes shifting between mine before his head shakes slightly.
“I don’t want you to be like her, and I’m not just talking about the way that you look, because even if she was as beautiful as you are, I still wouldn’t be with her. That’s why we kept breaking up. We were trying to force a circle through a square. We never fit. She never knew me. You.” Max’s head shakes again as his eyes close. When they open again they settle on mine. “You know me. You know me better than anyone.”
“You’re so much more than she is. Everything about you is what I want. Your brilliance, your sense of humor, your heart, the fact that you can’t stay awake through an entire movie … all of it is what makes me love you more every single day. Converse shoes and all, it’s you that I want. It will always be you. I can’t go back, not now.”
“What about the boobs?”
Max laughs, shaking his head. “I choose you, Ace. Only you.”
I lunge at him, kissing him again with all of the love and strength that he’s just bestowed upon me.
“I love you, Max,” I whisper against his lips before sealing my lips back over his.
Finals week is rough. I feel like I’m dating my flashcards, notes, and textbooks. I eat with them, fall asleep with them, and go everywhere in between with them. It’s a very one sided relationship. However, it seems to pay off when my finals all go relatively smoothly.
At the end of my final exam, which happens to be Philosophy, I feel both relieved and exhausted.
Wes packs up his things and wishes me a good Christmas. He’s headed to Tennessee with his parents to visit his grandparents for the holiday and tells me he’ll see me on New Year’s Eve before leaving. I wait until the rest of the class files out before I head up to Professor Parker to hand in my exam.
“So, I apologize in advance if I make this really awkward,” I begin. His eyes lift from the stack of papers he’s already looking over and eyes me cautiously. “And I can tell by your face that starting with that line, I’ve already made this awkward …” I shake my hands, taking an audible breath. “So I really enjoyed your class, and I think you’re a really great teacher—”
“I’m sorry, Harper, but I don’t date students.”
“And that’s a really good thing,” I instantly reply, blinking a couple of times as I try to think how I’m going to recover from this. “I am trying to set you up, but not with me. I have a boyfriend. It’s not a date, I mean, I hope that you guys like each other, and I really think that you will. It’s one of my sisters, I have four of them … but that’s irrelevant.” I wave my hand, pushing my thoughts aside. “There’s no pressure to meet her, but if you’re interested, my boyfriend, Max, my sister Jenny, and I are going to this concert at Balboa Park tonight. It’s really casual.”
“I’m actually going to be there,” he admits after a beat, still looking cautious.
“Really? That’s great! The band is amazing. I’m glad that you like them. It’s another point in your favor.”
His eyebrows knit together slightly and I feel myself wince. You’re making this awkward. Where in the hell is my charming, charismatic side?
“Anyway, this is my number. If you’re interested in meeting up you can text me.” I place the sticky note with my number on his desk without waiting for him to accept it and walk out of the class, still concerned that he thinks I’m hitting on him. Though, I don’t doubt he thinks I’m completely socially inept.
Max is waiting for me when I step outside, casually leaning against the wall like he always does as girls give sideways glances at him and loudly giggle in an attempt to catch his attention.
“Will you come in here a second please?” Max raises his eyebrows at me while I take his hand and open the classroom door.
Professor Parker glances at me and then to Max, his face unreadable.
“This is my Max … my boyfriend, Max,” I correct, kicking myself for again displaying another socially inept example.
“Nice to meet you, Max.” Max’s face is tight, looking defensive, obviously not clear why I’m explaining to my teacher that I have a boyfriend and feeling the need to show proof.
“I invited Professor Parker to the concert with us tonight, with Jenny.”
I feel Max relax beside me and see the recognition on his face. When I’d mentioned setting them up, he’d laughed at me, like I was amusing.
“You should come,” Max says confidently, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “Bosse girls will change your life.”
I smile at Max, weaving my arm around his waist before turning to Professor Parker and wave goodbye before we leave.
That night Jenny, Max, and I sit together on a large blanket, overlooking the stage. We’re close enough that we can enjoy the music, but far enough away that it allows us to talk over the noise.
We’re a little over an hour into the show when Max squeezes my hand and tilts his chin toward the stage. I look up to see Professor Parker approaching us, looking slightly timid, and even younger without his usual sports coat and loafers.
“Hey, Professor Parker.” I stand up and raise a hand to wave at him, smiling in greeting as he steps up to the blanket.
“Outside of class I’d prefer you call me Adam, Harper.”
“Fair enough. You should probably call me Ace, then.”
“Ace?” he asks in a clarifying tone.
I nod and turn to Jenny. “Adam, this is my sister Jenny.”
Jenny stands up and smiles warmly as she extends her hand. He returns her smile, taking her hand in his. He then greets Max with a nod before joining us on the blanket as I nestle into Max.
The four of us spend most of the evening talking rather than watching the show, but it’s the perfect environment and adds to the ease of conversation. I learn that Adam’s from Oregon and shares a passion for baseball with Max. He fits in comfortably, weaving into conversation like this is something that we do often.
I quickly notice how attentively he watches Jenny when she speaks, smiling at her and leaning closer and closer to her as the night wears on.
I’m constantly tied to Max tonight. I feel as though I’ve barely seen him in the last week and have the desperate need to be as close as possible to him and constantly touching.
When the concert ends, Adam invites Jenny to grab a drink at a nearby bar. She accepts, looking both giddy and nervous. We say goodbye, and Max and I follow the current of people out to the parking lot as I cling tightly to his side.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders, holding me securely in place, ensuring that he wants me to be close to him as much as I do.
When we reach the Jeep, Max opens the passenger door for me, and I clutch tighter to him, refusing to let go as I bury my face in his shoulder and feel his laugh. “I’m glad you missed me this week,” he admits, squeezing me tightly against him as I take in a deep, cleansing breath of Max and smile.
“I don’t want to let you go.”
“Ten minutes, then we’ll be home and I won’t allow you to be more than three inches from me at any given time,” he assures me. I give him one final squeeze before reluctantly releasing my hold of him and climbing in the car.
We spend the night tangled together getting a renewed sense of energy after the long week as we explore one another like it’s the first time.
Two weeks later Mindi expands our family as baby Juliet is born, gracing us with my fifth niece that is just as perfect as the other four.