Sinfully Devoted by Amber Torney
Chapter Twenty Nine - Phoenix
I didn’t know how long I had walked before I reached the lookout. I’d been sitting there for a while before I made my way to the railing. The place was beautiful, I’d often go up there to think about things after I’d moved into Damon’s. But for the first time since I had started, it did nothing to calm me down. Climbing over the railing, I made my way to the lookout’s edge.
The wind whipped up around me as I stood there looking out at the ocean. The waves below crashed over the jagged rocks with a roar so loud, it was like a jackal beckoning its prey with a smile full of razor-sharp teeth. It would have been so easy to just jump and end it all, but that would mean Kyle had won. Maybe this was what my mother had meant when she said I would face some dark decisions.
The ocean spray was cool against the blazing hot tears that fell down my face. Who would want me now? Who would love me, without just seeing the damaged, broken shell of the girl I once was? There was nothing good left inside me anymore. Hmph, nothing good on the outside either. I saw the pity in their eyes when they looked at me. The disgust that flashed over their faces when they noticed the scars. The hesitation when they touched me, and the hush of their voices when I entered the room.
They all saw me as damaged, poor Phoenix Brooks. The girl who wasn’t good for anything but being a punching bag. The fragile, broken girl. No one would care, really. I could slip away, disappear. Jump into the angry water below and fade into the darkness. It would make things easier for them all if I did.
The night I’d fucked Logan was still fresh in my mind. I’d felt nothing that night. Sure, I came, but the whole thing had left me feeling numb. It was kind of cathartic, considering all I had felt up at to that point was pain and disgust. It was a welcomed reprieve from all the shit I’d endured. When I brought it up with my therapist, she’d warned me against using sex as a coping mechanism, but when Paige and I spoke, she just told me to be careful.
It wasn’t as if I was out sleeping around, though. Stryker and Jonah still refused to touch me intimately, even after I’d tried to initiate it. Logan had been an impulsive decision, he was there, I had an itch, and he scratched it. I couldn’t even say I disliked the guy anymore. He’d been working so hard to break through my defences, to regain my trust, and it was working. I relished the numbness that night brought me, until Damon had thrown it in my face. Now, all I felt was guilt.
“Arghhhh…” Dropping to my knees, I screamed so loud that even the dead could hear me. The pain inside was all—consuming; it hurt to breathe most days. So many questions left inside that would never be answered. Had I become such a burden on them they felt keeping me in the dark was a better option?
“Why? Why me?” I yelled into the nothingness around me as I choked back sobs. “Why did you pick me?”
“If you jump, they win.” Luca came up beside me, and pulled me in for a hug. I hadn’t even heard her approaching. Just how long had she been there? How much had she heard? “You’re stronger than this, Phee. Yeah, those boys kept things from you, but it wasn’t intentional. They were only trying to protect you, and however misguided they were, it was all done with good intentions.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes and took in what she was saying. Luca had a point. It was just hard to get over— the fact that they had kept me in the dark was only one of the things that played on my mind. “I know Lu, it’s just that I don’t need them keeping things from me. Am I that broken?”
“We’re all a little broken, Phee.” She nudged my shoulder with her own as she gazed absently out over the greying ocean. Luca had always been the quietest of the crew. But when she spoke, you listened. “It’s how we come out at the other end that counts, Boo.”