Sinfully Devoted by Amber Torney
Chapter Thirty – Phoenix
After Luca had found me at the lookout, she and Paige had decided to spend the night with me at the beach house. I knew Luca would have questions after she’d found me, and she would for sure tell the others about it too. The last thing I needed was to burden them any more than I already had.
“I’m just so angry,” I said, sitting on my bed. I stabbed at the Chinese food, imagining it was the face of the asshole that was the cause of all of it. “Why would they think it was a good idea to keep that shit from me?”
“My family did the same to me after I was attacked,” Paige stated, looking at me. I could see the empathy in her eyes. She had been through something similar to me, and I guess kinda knew what I was going through. “The guys thought they were doing what was right.”
“It makes me feel as though I am burdening them with my issues when they do that though,” I confessed. I hated that I was sounding weak. I hated everything about the whole messed up situation. “I just want them to treat me like they used to. I hate the constant reminders that it happened again.”
“So tell them Phee, stop letting it eat you up inside. Take back your control,” Paige deadpanned. She was right, the only way to make them see that I wasn’t a fragile doll, would be to show them.
“I know you're scared, Phee, but you're stronger than that,” Luca added. When she’d found me at the lookout earlier, I guess I’d kinda worried her a little when I was looking out over the ocean. I couldn’t lie, the thought had crossed my mind, but she was right. Taking the easy way out would mean that Kyle had won.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” I apologized, I hadn’t meant to worry her. I could tell she wanted to say more, but she just nodded and continued to eat. “Could we please keep that between us, though?”
She looked at me for a few seconds, deep in thought, before dropping her fork on the plate. “Yeah, but you have to promise me never to do that shit again. I won’t hesitate next time, Phee.”
Looking at Paige, I waited for her response. I had a feeling she’d keep it to herself, but I needed to hear it.
“I’m not gonna be the one to open that can of worms,” she said, shaking her hands in front of herself. “You think my cousin is bad now, if he thought you’d try cliff diving off the lookout, you’d never see the light of day again without him gluing himself to your arse.”
“Paige,” Luca scolded as she gave her a look. Those two had been getting closer since Paige had started hanging out with the crew. It was nice, considering Cami was so stand offish towards Paige.
“I wouldn’t have done it. I just hate feeling like I’m helpless. But yeah, if I start to feel like that, I’ll call you,” I promised her. Truth was, I was kinda embarrassed she’d found me like that. I never wanted anyone to see me that way, it was a moment of weakness I’d be doing everything I could never to repeat. I had to start turning things around. I needed to show them I was still the strong girl they fell for before it all went to hell.
“Good, ” was all she said.
“Can I ask you something, Lu?” I looked at her and waited, nervously biting my lip.
“You know you don’t have to ask that, Phee.” Her reply was soft as she got up and collected our plates. I didn’t know much about her past, but she always seemed to be fighting against something.
“What did you do to feel safe again?” I asked, looking down as I placed my hands in my lap. I’d been asking around the last few days. Cami had told me to continue with self-defence, my therapist suggested a more intense round of therapy, and Paige had been suggesting I learn how to use a gun. “Everyone has told me different things, but I don’t know, I don’t feel the therapy is working. I enjoyed the self-defence classes, but the thought of firing a gun kinda scares me.”
“Me, personally, I combined self-defence with a bit of weapons training. What scares you about guns?” She stopped at the door and turned back to me. “With the right training, it could make you feel a lot safer. And you’d also know that if it came down to it, you’d be able to defend yourself.”
Paige looked from Luca, back to me. “What have you settled on? And why are you worried about that?”
“I don’t like being kept in the dark, Paige. It leads you into a false sense of security,” I sighed. I hated that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. “They did that because they thought it would make me feel safe. I can’t be like that, a burden to them. D’ said they were all going crazy when the psycho took me, but the fact that they have him locked up somewhere doesn’t give me any comfort either.”
“What do you mean by that, Phee?” Her eyes were full of concern as she glanced up from the television at me.
“I mean, he has hurt me twice now, and he was supposed to be dead, and I still don’t understand how that fucking happened.” I shook my head as the thought started to consume me. “The guys won’t always be around, Paige. I need to do something. They can’t be worrying about me twenty-four seven.”
“Come on girls, we’re gonna be late!” I yelled out to Luca and Cami, as I slipped into my joggers, lacing them up tightly. “Paige will be here any minute now.”
“Remind me again where we’re going?” Cami asked as she walked out of my bathroom, midway through tying her hair up. “I just want to make sure I’m dressed properly.”
Looking down at her outfit, Cami picked a piece of invisible lint off her black sweater. She hated going out in workout clothes, being seen in all black even more so, so I understood her hesitancy with her appearance. Out of us all, she was the one that spent the most time on the way she looked. But I had to give it to her, she was being a trooper.
“We’re going to The Rage Cage,” Luca stated so matter-of-factly, following Cami out of the bathroom. We were all almost dressed identically. The two instructions Paige had given us when she dropped us off were to dress comfortably, and to wear black. “Relax, Cam, you’re gonna have a good time, and trust me, no one’s gonna care that you’re dressed in gym gear.”
Both of us giggled at our friend’s vanity as Luca sat next to me to put her shoes on. Ever since the lookout incident, she, like Paige, had become my rock, although every now and then I noticed that familiar glazed look in her eyes- my friend had been through a lot, yet she kept it all to herself.
“Sounds good. What’s so great about this place anyway?” Cami questioned, as she started flicking absently through her phone. Peering up at us with a raised eyebrow, she shook her head. “I mean, who pays good money to go and break things anyway?”
“We do, Cami Bear,” Paige answered, as she swung an arm over Cami’s shoulder, and pulled her in for a hug. “Trust me when I tell you, you’ll enjoy it. Plus the other upside is that we can’t get into any trouble from those alpha-holes that are sitting in the living room.”
Luca and I couldn’t help but laugh loudly at Paige’s reference to the guys. Things had started to calm down since their ‘intervention.’ I had been talking to them more, and vice versa, but I still felt a little slighted that they had kept so much from me. As for the Kyle bombshell, I pushed that into the can’t deal basket while I processed everything else. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to decide someone’s fate?
“You know they’re just gonna want to come with, right?” I said as I grabbed my bag, stopping in front of the mirror and giving myself a final once over. “I kinda want it to be just us tonight.”
I liked that we had everything out in the open, but it still felt a little raw. My unwillingness to talk about Kyle had us all walking around on eggshells. Everyone either avoided the topic altogether, or in Stryker’s case, insisted on talking about it. It had caused a little tension between the two of us, as he wouldn’t let up, and I’d rather bathe in a vat of acid whilst sticking needles in my eyes than think about it.
“Oh, Phee Phee, you underestimate the power of your magic vajayjay, Boo,” Paige retorted rather crudely, motioning to me, then to the lounge area. “Those a-holes out there won’t try. They’re still trying to make up for keeping shit from you. I’m pretty sure they’d swan dive off the lookout if you asked them to.”
“I wouldn’t put it past them to try, though,” Luca interjected, giggling again as Paige shot her a death stare that could give Death himself a run for his money. There was a rare spark in her eyes when she turned back to me. “I’d ask them to watch The Notebook instead of jumping off the cliff though, cause Ethan hasn’t been the same since I Notebook-ed him.”
Trying to contain her own laughter, Paige shook her head. “If all else fails, I’ll just tell ‘em we’re going to see a chick flick at the movie theatre.”
“Or, I don’t know, we could just let Phee handle them,” Cami chimed in as she made her way out of the room. “After all, it’s her shit list they’re trying to get off of, so they’ll most certainly do anything to make her happy right now.”
Shaking my head at her, I hated how right she was. Sighing, I followed her, calling out behind me to the others. “Come on, let's get outta here.”
As we headed to the door, it was awkward as fuck when we passed the living room. Part of me wanted to go to them as if there wasn’t a divide between us, but the stubborn part of me kept me walking past with barely a glance at them. I was torn. My heart wanted my guys back where they belonged, but my mind kept telling me not to give in too easily.
“Paige, you got a minute?” The sound of Stryker’s voice sent electricity pulsing through my body, almost breaking my resolve. Looking over my shoulder, his eyes were locked on me. “Please.”