Anastasia by A. Marie
Anastasia
Iwoke up with a crick in my neck. I wasn’t exactly sure how long I could continue sleeping on a chair. It was becoming the most uncomfortable place, but I still managed to make it work with a hospital blanket draped over me.
The second the sunlight fanned my face, I opened my eyes to look at my sister. She was still sleeping, and the slight amount of color that had managed to make its way onto her face seemed to have disappeared. Her body looked lifeless with the amounts of tubes and added monitors attached to her body.
She seemed to feel me looking at her because her eyes snapped open, but then shut due to the sunlight. When a groan moved past her lips, I knew my best option was to cover up the windows with the curtains.
“Hey,” she said softly.
Her voice no longer sounded the same. I tried my best not to break down and cry because it seemed like I had done enough of that to last a lifetime. I gazed down into her eyes only to see they looked defeated. The color that once danced around her hazel gaze seemed to vanish. I was looking into them only to see myself looking back.
“Here, drink some water,” I whispered before grabbing the cup the hospital had provided and placing the straw against her lips. I waited until she finished to set the drink down on the small bedside table.
“How are you feeling?” I questioned. A weak smile formed on her face before it fell. Her eyes shut momentarily as her body seemed to adjust to long, abnormal blinks.
“I’m so tired, Nana,” she whispered. Her eyes shut completely, and my heart began to break. I got down onto my knees beside her bed and reached for her hand.
“Just rest a little, okay? I’ll be right here, Alex. I’m so sorry for not being there when you were hurt last night. I thought you were getting better.” Frustration at my doings were looming into my emotions due to my constant crying. Crying never fixed anything.
“Not that kind of tired. I’m tired of feeling like this. I feel deader when they try to cure the disease than when they just leave it alone. I’m tired of fighting. I want to be there for you and Mum, but I can’t do this anymore,” her voice cracked. I watched as the tears sparkled between her closed eyelids. My own tears began falling threatening to fall as I pressed her hand against my head.
“Don’t say that, do you hear me? You can’t, Alex. I need you! If I could, I would trade places with you in a heartbeat, you know that, right?” I sobbed. She opened her eyes before swallowing. Alex shook her head back and forth.
“It seems like I won again because I would do the same for you, which is why I am the one lying here right now. Anastasia, you have always been so capable of being a person the world should look up to. I look up to you, and I hope that one day someone will see how great of a person you are. I hope that you will see what a great person you are. I love you so much, and no matter what happens, promise me that you will love yourself just as much,” she stated.
Something felt like it was squeezing my heart. I couldn’t believe what she was saying, and I didn’t know how to feel. Was it selfish of me to beg her to continue to fight despite the fact that it was killing her, or was it selfish of her to give up on me?
“It doesn’t matter because I will have you to remind me. Alex, please, you have to stop talking like this. It’s been two months and you made it past what everyone said you would. You can do this, I know you can! You’re my little sister, but you’re the strongest person I have ever met,” I pleaded. My hand went up to touch her cheek. Her body was cold and drained as her eyes stared into mine. Slowly, she brought her hand up to lay on top of mine before giving another weak smile.
“I will do my best for you. It’s the least I could do, seeing as you have taken such good care of me. I promise I will fight, but if anything happens to me, I just want you to take care of Mum. I want you to remember everything that we’ve ever talked about. Live on my legacy of forgiveness and love.” She chuckled softly. I sniffed a little before responding with a light chuckle.
Reaching over to the bedside table, I grabbed the water and pressed it to her lips.
“Nana, if you give me any more water, I am going to become Aquaman in this bitch,” she joked. It caused me to laugh even with tears falling from my face. Only she could do that for me—make me laugh while I was crying my heart out.
“I love you, baby sister,” I muttered before pressing a kiss on top of her head. She smiled at me before puckering her lips and kissing the air. “I love you too.”
The door opened and Dr. Flores walked in wearing a huge smile on his face. “Alexandria, you’re up!”
She grimaced at the name he called her. No matter how many times she tried to get him to call her ‘Alex,’ he always managed to call her by her full name instead. I sent him a small smile.
Last night after the hug, we had a long conversation where he told me about the death of his father from cancer. Apparently, he lost him when he was really young, which was what made him want to be an oncologist. The story was a saddening thing to hear, but he managed to make it sound motivational.
He returned the smile before looking over Alex’s vitals. Once he finished, he held his fist up to her as if she were a five-year-old. Tiredly, she gave him a fist bump before lowering her hand back down onto the bed.
“How are you feeling?” he questioned. I looked over at her. Her answer to me replayed itself in my mind. She gave him a small smile, her lips were cracked with dryness as a tint of blue made their way onto them.
“Like a million bucks,” she muttered with a light chuckle. He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“Very funny. Really, how are you feeling? On a scale of one to ten, can you state the amount of pain you are in?” he questioned. My eyes dropped down to her, only to see the smile she had on her face had disappeared.
“Ten,” she whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek. It broke me to hear that, and based on the glance that the doctor had given me—he could see it on my face. Instead of dwelling in sadness like me, he gave her a small smile before nodding his head.
“Okay, I’ll get the nurse to bring you some more pain medication. Hang in there,” he told her. Using his fingers, he signaled for me to walk outside the room with him. I hugged myself as I accompanied him just before sparing one last look at Alex to see that her eyes were shutting.
“She looks so weak,” I announced sadly the minute we had exited the room.
“All of the chemo, the surgery, and the radiation are beginning to really take a toll on her body,” he explained. I couldn’t help but frown at his words. My eyes wandered over to my little sister through the small window on the door.
“It’s true, isn’t it? That the treatment for cancer feels worse than the cancer itself?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. For some reason, I couldn’t tear my eyes off of the beautiful young girl who seemed wiser than us all.
“Yes, that can be true,” he answered.
“The treatment isn’t even going to take the cancer away. It has spread too much to the point of no return. You’re only prolonging her life now, am I right?” I asked, trying to hold back the tears. It felt like something was clawing on the inside of my throat just trying to get out.
“Anastasia, what she needs right now is someone who believes in her. Just stick by her side and help her fight this cancer as much as you can. I know it must suck hearing this from me, but she’s channeling your strength. I still remember the day she told me that you were the person she looked up to because you stayed so strong for everyone else. Stay strong,” he told me. I quickly wiped away a stray tear before nodding my head at his words. I still felt like I was drowning, trying to get to the surface, but no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t. There were no words I could say that would make anything better.
“The nurse will arrive shortly with her medicine.” He nodded just before walking off. I turned back into the room and sunk down on the chair. It sucked that I didn’t need a mirror to know that I had bags under my eyes, and they were bloodshot. All I could do was stare at her and keep watching her heart monitor.
“Stop looking at that thing, sis.” She chuckled. I smiled down at her before nodding. The doctor said I needed to be strong, so that was exactly what I planned to do.
“The pain medicine should be arriving any minute now,” I told her, followed by a wink.
“I know you think I call you yellow things because of your blonde hair, Nana. That’s not it at all. I call you yellow objects to remind you of your spirit. Your spirit is so yellow, it’s like the light at the end of the tunnel. You give hope, and you attract the darkness by turning them into their best possible selves. You are so yellow—full of intellect, beauty, and positivity. Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. Thank you for being like the sun after rain, the way it beams on every piece of land—you love every part of everyone just the same,” she whispered.
“Stop talking like that,” I reminded her. She nodded her head again without saying another word.
I just needed her heart to continue to beat. My breathing seemed to calm me by listening to hers. There was a Doyle attached to her nose that assisted with getting oxygen into her system. Every long breath that she took soothed me. Every beat of her heart calmed me. It was like I was listening to the waves of the beach while my favorite song played on a radio beside me.
Sliding the chair closer to her, I grabbed a hold of her hand. I planted about a million kisses against it.
My palm went up to her beautiful face to memorize every single detail. From the cute little nose she had to her plump lips. I even smiled a little at the scar she had on her cheek from the time we were playing hide-and-go-seek and she fell off a tree.
Before I knew it, my eyes were shutting on their own as sleep overcame me.
* * *
“Get the cart! Hurry!”I heard someone shout. I repeatedly blinked to get the blurriness out of my eyes. When I opened my eyes to see a ton of doctors and nurses inside of the room, the confusion was clear on my expression as they rushed and ran, trying to grab supplies.
“W-what’s going on?” I questioned, rubbing my eyelids with the back of my hand. My heart was pounding in my chest for some reason, and I couldn’t figure out why. Slowly, my gaze traveled over to my sister’s heart monitor only to see that it had stilled. My lips parted as tears filled my eyes. I could no longer hear any words. All I could see was the lifeless face of my little sister. Just moments ago, she was fine. Alex was speaking to me, telling me that she would fight for me. Now, as I looked at the line showing on her heart monitor, my world crashed right in front of me.
“Alex?” I asked, already missing the smile that would come across her face.
A nurse appeared right in front of me. She was wearing a mask to cover the bottom portion of her face, but I knew she was shouting words at me. All of her words were blocked from my eyes as my focus remained on Alexandria.
The nurse began to softly push me toward the door as I let out scream after scream, choking on my own tears. “Alexandria! Alex! Alex, wake up! Please, I need you!” I sobbed. “I’m sorry, Alex! I should have been a better sister! I shouldn’t have let your cancer get so bad. I should’ve known you were hurting. I’ll be better, Alex! I promise! Please don’t leave me here! I can’t be alive without you!”
The defibrillator finally began to flood my ears as everyone moved away from her except for a doctor who held the paddles against her body. “Clear!”
“Please, ma’am, you have to leave the room,” she told me. I shook my head and pushed her out of the way before sprinting over to Alex. I knew she could hear me. I knew that she would never give up on me.
“I need you! You promised you would fight, Alex! You promised! I can’t do this without you, please, just wake up for me! We will take care of Mum together, and we can still grow old together! Alex! Alex, please!”
I began to shake her. Her head just rolled.
As I began to notice her lifelessness I allowed myself to get pushed out of the room. My eyes remained on her as the doctors and nurses tried to get her to wake up..
“Alex,” I whispered.
* * *
Hours passed.I didn’t know how long I had been waiting for some sort of news. I found myself staring off into space with thoughts of never being able to hold her again. My hands were remembering every trace of her skin. I could still feel her cold hand in mine. Visions of the times we laughed and played kept going on in my mind like a movie I wished to see for the first time again.
I felt a hand touch my shoulder. When I quickly turned around, my heart broke into a million pieces. Dr. Flores was no longer smiling. He didn’t have a single bit of hope anywhere on his face like he usually did. There wasn’t even a tight-lipped smile. For as long as I’ve known Dr. Flores, I had never seen a tear in his eye, until now.
“I’m sorry—”
“No! No! She’s not! She’s not! I know Alex. She―she wouldn’t leave me! You didn’t try hard enough! She’s not dead!” I shouted. Tears clouded my vision. Shaking my head back and forth, I kept telling myself it was some sick joke. Alex told him to lie and say she’s dead just so she can laugh because Alex always had this strange dark humor.
“Anastasia, Alexandria didn’t make it—”
“No!” I sobbed.
My body shook and I could feel my veins being pulled from my body. Somebody was suffocating me with sorrow and no one in the world was helping me stop them. The world got rid of the wrong person by choosing the best one. From the way Alex smiled to the way she always held our mother every single night before she went to bed. Alex never cared that our mother didn’t want us, she always saw the good in her. She always saw something that I could never see. She saw the yellow in me while my heart had always felt colorless.
“Why would someone so pure be taken away from me? She never did anything to hurt anyone. She always wanted the best for every single person in the goddamn world! My little sister made me feel like a child with the way she could uplift the spirits of those who were hurt!” I cried.
Dr. Flores wrapped his arms around me and let me cry out every bit of sadness. My shoulders rocked, and my head began to ache, but it was no matter for my heart. My heart hurt the worse, and the only person in the world who could fix it was gone now.