Anastasia by A. Marie

Anastasia

Ishut my sister’s journal and held it against my chest. It was as though I could hear her voice speaking to me as I read every word. As I read her journal, it was like we were having conversations again. My heart ached to hear her voice, listen to her laugh, and voice her beliefs. Alex had always been there, and I felt so empty now that she wasn’t holding my hand and telling me that everything would be okay. I missed her so much. If I could talk to her one last time about anything, I would. If I could look into her hazel eyes and see the gleam of hope and prosperity in them, I would.

I threw myself onto her mattress, hugging the journal as protectively as I could. Sobs ripped out of me as I called for a sister who would no longer respond to them.

I had lost her only a week ago, yet it felt like yesterday. It was the loss of my best friend, sister, and inspiration all rolled into one. I tried so hard to think of a way that could heal the open wound on my heart but only managed to come up short-handed.

The door opened, but I didn’t give it any thought. I glanced up at the intruder only to see that it was my mother. She looked down at me with a sad expression on her face then sat down beside me. I watched her as she wrapped her arms around me, leaving me to weep into her shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” I wailed. The journal was still plastered against my chest, which felt like the presence of my little sister. With the journal and my mother’s arms wrapped around me, it made me feel whole for the first time in my life.

“I know, Anastasia. You have to take it day by day, one step at a time,” she whispered before placing her lips against the top of my head.

“She was the only person in this world who believed in us, Mum. There is no happiness without Alex,” I professed. I could feel her arms tighten around me, but it didn’t end the feeling of loneliness that suddenly erupted through me. It only seemed to aided the thought of being all on my own.

“I’m always here,” she cooed sweetly, pretending like none of her wrongful actions ever happened.

“You say that, but then you go away,” I sniveled before pushing away from her as my eyes glared down into her blue ones. Her shoulders fell in defeat as she watched me. “You may be sober now, but you aren’t all the time! Just tell me why you never chose us? Alex was dying and you still didn’t care!”

“Damn it, Anastasia! I care, okay? I’ve always cared! It’s hard for me to have these negative thoughts and memories all of the time. I need to let things go the best way I know how so I don’t hurt you both,” she explained.

“You did hurt us!” I shouted. She seemed taken aback by my outburst but understanding quickly caressed her features.

“Get out,” I whispered defeatedly. My sight blurred with tears waiting to be released. I was done being disappointed by my mother. Alex may have wanted me to watch over Mum, but I couldn’t do it anymore. The last thing our mother deserved was a helping hand.

“You―”

“Get the hell out of our room!” I seethed.

She spared me one last glance before getting up and walking out the door.

The minute she was gone, I opened Alex’s journal back up and reread her words. The sound of her voice reading each word to me left my mind busy. I could feel the tears drop from my face, but I didn’t even care to acknowledge them.

“Well, Alex,” I sniffed. “I may be your yellow, but you’ve always been my blue. So overlooked, yet full of purity. I could picture your husband and the two―no, three kids you would have. You would even have a dog named Spot that you’d get angry at for jumping on the couch. You’ve always shown the beauty in simplicity, Alexandria. My sea, my whale, my blueberry, and my butterfly—I love you, always.”

After a while, my tears stopped falling. My body felt so numb and exhausted that I didn’t want to move anymore. All I could do was zone out until the sun disappeared and the moonlight bounced off my body. When my gaze fell on Alexandria’s mattress, for a moment, I could see her on it. God, I miss her so much.

Guilt coursed through me when the conversation I had with my mother abruptly made its way into my mind. Deciding to get up and apologize, I let out a loud sigh. I opened the door and walked out, making my way over to her room.

Softly, I knocked on her door but didn’t hear a response. When I knocked again and still couldn’t hear anything, I decided to just walk in. The room was so dark and lifeless. The smell of sweat infiltrated my nose as I turned on the life.

I should’ve expected it, but I decided to think she would be more comforting. Her room was absolutely empty meaning that she had left. My mum doesn’t work and she has no friends, so the only reason why she ever disappeared was to get high.

How did she get money?

My entire heart dropped down to my feet. I raced over to the kitchen where my bag sat. All of my clothes and shoes that I carried around for work were dumped out. She even took every penny I had in my wallet.

Without another thought, I began to trash the entire apartment. My brain was so clouded with rage that I gave no thought to all of the picture frames that showcased our ‘happy’ family I threw on the ground. I flipped over couches, tables, and even broke glasses along with plates. Then, I walked into her room and ruined everything in sight.

Just before leaving her room, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote ‘Take that money you stole and buy new things.’

I grabbed another bag and began to throw all of my clothes into them. Everything that belonged to me, I placed into the bag. When I finished, I left the apartment. I hurriedly ran toward my car and threw everything inside of it.

* * *

“Barbie!What the hell are you doing here?” Janice asked in shock the minute I walked into the club. Completely ignoring her, I strolled over to the bar, where men openly bought me drinks. I ignored their thirsty eyes and flirty words as I tossed back I don’t know how many drinks. Janice came up to me at some point, trying to convince me to stop drinking. The hazy state of my mind prevailed because I ultimately ended up telling her to leave me alone as I drank more and more. It wasn’t until I found myself stumbling down a hall that I realized I was out of control. As I stumbled, I found myself grasping something sturdy and rigid—the wall. Then, as my hands pressed down hard, I realized it wasn’t a wall; it was a muscular chest.

“Barbie?” the chest asked. I poked it and felt the smooth fabric against the pad of my finger.

“Chest?” I questioned, mocking the Italian accent.

The chest’s hands moved down to cup my chin before bringing my face up to meet the familiar gaze of Mr. Romano. Then, my eyes followed his finger as he wiped some liquor off the corner of my mouth.

“Alcohol?” he questioned with a frown.

I smiled at him, showing the biggest smile I could muster.

“Oops?”

He looked like some undetectable figure. As I looked into his eyes to see the sight of disappointment, my heart broke. My sister would also be disappointed in me. No matter what I did or how many shots I took, she was always there.

I don’t know what compelled me to do it, but I quickly began to undo his slacks. Sadly, he immediately stopped me by grasping my hands.

“You can barely even walk. I came by and thought you were one of my whores. Do you not realize how vulnerable you look?” he asked unemotionally.

I smiled at him before leaning up to press my lips against his neck. My arms circled around him as I moved up to his jawline. Just as I was about to kiss his lips, he pushed my head away from him.

I scoffed. “So, we can only do things when you want to do them? I’m trying to give you a good time just like you do for me. I want to have sex, right here, right now.”

When he didn’t make a move or say a single word, I shook my head in disbelief. Slowly, I pulled away and looked into his empty eyes before turning around and walking away.

He quickly grabbed my neck and dragged me so my back was against his chest. “You want to be treated like one of my whores, hmm?”

“I want you to fuck me like one,” I said seductively, a dangerous smile making its way onto my face.

Mr. Romano quickly let go of my neck and grabbed me by my arm before walking me through the entire club and up the familiar set of stairs. We made our way into the mansion where we passed many doors until he opened up one in particular.

The walls were blue and it caused my heart to still. When my hand reached over and touched the wall, it was almost like I could feel her skin. Blue, like the sea, was my baby sister.

I looked over at him and I was sure he could see just how badly I wanted to cry. However, I was glad that he didn’t say anything. He only nodded over to the large, empty bed. I walked over and sank down onto the soft mattress. My heart was suddenly shattering, and I had no clue how to keep it together.

“This is one of the guest bedrooms. Go to sleep and don’t leave this room until you’re sober,” he ordered. I opened my mouth, ready to say that I needed him to stay with me. I was fearful of my mind when I was alone, but before I could get a word in, he shut the door.

Letting out a sigh, I climbed into the bed, pulling the thick blanket over me as a frown came across my face. Just when I thought the alcohol would take its effect, it was gone.

Now I understood why my mother had taken so much money. Forgetting the pain only lasted for a few minutes.