Where We Found Our Home by Natasha Bishop
Ciara
“Ciara! Wake up!” My eyes fly open to find I’m surrounded by Brittany, Sasha, Simone, Nina, and Sarah. Their eyes are full of concern and fear.
“What happened?” I ask. I wipe the sweat from my brow. I know what they’re about to tell me. The looks on their faces tell me everything I need to know. He got the best of me yet again.
“You were having a nightmare. You were screaming and thrashing around in your sleep.” Fuck. I haven’t had one that bad in awhile. I’ve been seeing Dr. Goodwin for long enough that I can imagine what she’d tell me this means. I’ve finally decided to open my heart completely to these people, and my subconscious is trying to convince me that it’s a mistake.
“Are you okay?” Sasha asks as she hands me a glass of water.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I sit up straighter in bed and wipe the sleep from my eyes.
“Enough. Okay?” All the heads turn toward Brittany. “You’re clearly not fine. Please stop holding everything in. Just let us be here for you.” Simone looks at Brittany with pride, and Sarah looks at her with shock. Nina and Sasha just watch me to see what I’ll do. She’s absolutely right. I can’t half-ass this. If I’m going to let them in completely, I need to actually do that. The fact that it’s my little cinnamon roll yelling at me that enough is enough tells me I’ve pushed this too far.
Deep breaths. “You’re right, you’re right. I’ve been having nightmares since the car accident, and they were getting worse as everything was escalating with Eddie, but they haven’t been that bad in awhile.”
“What happens in the nightmares?” Nina asks.
“He kills you. All of you.” Sarah gasps. Everyone else watches me with rapt attention.
“It started with somebody taking my place the day of the stabbing. Him stabbing me but when I turn the body over I morph into one of you. But last night, he took every single person I care about and made me watch as he killed you in the most brutal ways. I was standing there, not even tied up, but I couldn’t move. I had no control. I was helpless. And you were each looking at me, begging with your eyes to save you and I couldn’t do shit.” Sarah jumps when I slam my fist into my coffee table and storm into the kitchen.
“This is why you left, isn’t it?” Simone pins me with her eyes and demands the truth.
“Yes,” I sigh. “He snuck into the hospital that last time after hours.” Simone curses while Sarah’s eyes widen and Brittany’s fists clench. I honestly didn’t even know she was capable of forming a fist. “He told me that if you guys or my mom ever tried to get in his way again, he’d kill you all. I love you all. You know how much I love you, and you know how well I know you. If I had told you what he said, you’d just double down.”
“So you made the decision for us and left town,” Sarah says, her voice full of venom.
“Yes. And I’m not sorry. I needed to get out of there. I was having panic attacks daily. I needed to keep you all safe.”
“So what was your plan exactly? You get farther away from us and then what? What would you have done if he found you here?”
“My plan was to fly under the radar here, alone. That way either he wouldn’t find me or he would and he would just kill me and you’d be safe because you were far enough away that you couldn’t stop him. He didn’t really care about hurting any of you, so long as you stayed out of his way. You’re plenty out of the way with me here and you there. Then everyone could move on with their lives.”
“Just that easy, huh?” I can feel the anger and hurt in Simone’s voice. “You think you’d die and we’d just move on with our lives? Like we don’t love you with our entire souls? Like a part of us wouldn’t die when you did? Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“Calm down, Simone,” Brittany pleads.
She brushes her off and whirls on me. I’ve earned her resentment, so I welcome it like an old friend. “No, fuck that. No one asked you to be a goddam martyr, Ci. We are a team. We have always been a team. You are not the only one in this weird-ass sisterhood willing to risk her life to protect the ones she cares about, and I don’t appreciate you taking away our choice to make whatever sacrifices we want.”
Well, shit. I feel like a child who was just reprimanded by a parent, but I deserve it. I’ve been so obsessed with having some semblance of control over something in my life—because I didn’t have it anywhere else—that I took away theirs in the process. I’ve been plagued by the guilt I would feel if something happened to them. I didn’t even consider the guilt they would have to live with if I died and they found out what I had kept from them.
I thought it would be selfish of me to ask for love and acceptance when what I was going through could threaten to bring them all down with me. But the real selfishness is cutting off the ones who have always loved me unconditionally and leaving them to figure out why.
“Okay. I’d like to amend my statement.”
“Well, get to amending, bitch,” Simone demands with a weak laugh, trying to mask her hurt.
“I’m not sorry for moving here, because I’ve found people who I cannot imagine my life without. I can’t bring myself to be sorry for that. But you guys were my family first, and I will always love you. I’m sorry for the way I’ve handled things, and I promise to do better.”
“That’s all I ask.”
“Aww, yay. I was worried Simone was going to kill you herself for a minute there.” Sarah claps as she brings us in for a group hug.
“Yeah, it was getting dicey there for a minute. I know we always said we’d be there for each other if we ever had to bury a body, but I was not prepared to actually follow through on that.” Brittany chuckles as she joins the hug.
“Yeah, and I was gonna feel guilty for cutting your life short when you were finally getting consistent dick,” Simone says as she wipes away a tear and lets out a genuine laugh.
“I’m so glad we can joke about my impending death now.” Sarah slaps my arm. I motion for Sasha and Nina to join the group hug, and the ladies welcome them with open arms.
“Okay, but for real, what’s our plan if his bitch ass really is here in town?” Nina asks. With that question, reality comes crashing back down on us. Because what is the fucking plan? I sure as hell don’t have one.
The ladies have all decided to spend the day shopping while I’ve decided to spend some quality time with my mom. Being raised by a single mom wasn’t always easy, but I never wanted for anything because of that woman. She’s my rock, and I didn’t realize how much I missed having her nearby to draw strength from until she was here visiting.
“You’re too much like me,” she says after our lunch entrees are set in front of us.
I take a huge bite of my burger and chew before I even bother to respond. “Is that a bad thing?”
“In this case it is. Because you always feel like you have to take care of everything by yourself,” she says, taking a more ladylike bite of her chicken sandwich than I would have.
I don’t even know what to do with that statement. Growing up, my mom did everything for us. She didn’t have anyone she could call on. She worked relentlessly every night to put food on our table but still managed to be at every dance recital, every parents’ day at school, every game. I was never one to ask for overly expensive Christmas gifts, but what I did ask for, I always got. She made that happen. Her. By herself. When I needed a shoulder to cry on over the first boy to break my heart and every idiot after that, she was the one to put me back together. When I needed help with homework or life advice, she was always there for me. She single-handedly shaped me into the woman I am today, and I’m just trying to be a quarter of the woman she is. “I mean, Mom, you literally had to take care of everything by yourself.”
“But you don’t. You have a support system. Use them.”
“I’m trying.”
“I was a one-woman show because I didn’t have any other options. If I’d had a support system I would’ve used it. Don’t put me on some unattainable pedestal. The same strength I have inside of me, you have inside of you. Never forget that.” She takes a brief pause, and it’s a good thing she keeps going because I’m about to start sobbing uncontrollably at this table. “I like Lincoln. He’s a nice boy.”
That brings a smile to my face. “I like him too.”
“Do you love him?” I almost spit out my drink. I was not expecting that question.
“Umm. It’s just too early to think that way.”
She tilts her head and wrinkles her brows. “I didn’t ask that. I asked if you love him.”
I cannot even go there with her right now. Leave it to my mom to force me to have a conversation with her that I haven’t even had with myself or Lincoln yet. “Umm, well. I, umm. I just don’t think we’re ready to say—”
“Ciara,” she cuts me off. “Don’t talk in circles. I know your deflection game. Spit it out.”
Sheesh. “Yes. Yes, I do.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? That’s all you have to say? You just bulldozed me into confessing that, and all you have to say is okay?”
“I asked a question. You answered it. Thank you.” My mother, ladies and gentleman.
This has been a whirlwind of a day. My nightmares have reached unbearable levels. I’ve unloaded my truths to the girls. I’ve confessed to my mom that I am in fact in love with Lincoln. I’m emotionally spent. What I need is to sleep for a full twenty-four hours, but no such luck. Nina and I are working tonight. The ladies—except Sasha who decided her carriage has turned back into a pumpkin and she goes back to wife and mom duties tonight—have decided that they’ll be spending the night at Neon scoping out what Austin has to offer in the man department. This is the perfect excuse to have Lincoln pay me a visit.
Me: What are you doing tonight?
Lincoln: Hmm well you still have a whole coven sleeping in your living room so I’m gonna say not you
Ugh, I need the release only that man can give me like yesterday.
Me: Don’t remind me
Lincoln: Khaleesi misses her Khal Drogo?
Me: Oh I’m definitely Beyoncé today
Lincoln: Oh well then in that case
Lincoln: *inserts gif of Jay Z fixing his cap in Change Clothes music video*
I literally laugh out loud at that, and Nina laughs at me so I give her the middle finger. Let me sext my man in peace.
Me: That’s the stuff right there *inserts gif of Beyoncé removing her glasses sexily*
Lincoln: LOL so what’d you have in mind for tonight?
Me: Come visit me at work!
Me: And bring the guys
Lincoln: Oh boy, Simone trying to sink her claws into Shane?
Me: I think you spelled ‘all of your friends’ wrong
Lincoln: *crying laughing emoji* We’ll be there
Lincoln: Btw, what’s Nina’s policy on quickies in the back room? Asking for a friend
Me: Wait…we were just talking about Simone so now I’m confused if you are really asking for a friend or for us
Lincoln: *three crying laughing emojis* See you tonight, Angel *wink emoji*
Me: *kissy emoji*
Later that night, Nina and I are busy behind the bar. I’ve just served yet another round of buttery nipple shots to a bachelorette party. The bride has on a white T-shirt that reads “Savage” while her bridesmaids have on black T-shirts that each state a different word—Sassy, Moody, Nasty, Classy, Boujee, and Ratchet. Meg Thee Stallion would be proud. It’s fitting that their personalities all seem to match up with the shirts they’re wearing. They’ve been the main source of entertainment tonight. The maid of honor aka “Ratchet” has been downing shots like a champ, celebrating each one with a clap of the booty cheeks. The “Boujee” bridesmaid has been demanding they switch to top-shelf liquor while the “Classy” bridesmaid has been downing her shots in between sips of her martini. The bride has been pitching her idea to her girls about creating a brand of lollipops in the flavor of her man’s dick. Needless to say her girls are not fans of that idea. Her man might just love it, who knows? I wish the happy couple the best. Looking at the bride’s flushed face though, I know someone will be cleaning up vomit tonight, and I hope it’s not me.
Right as Ms. “Sassy” starts dancing to Drake’s “Toosie Slide,” my girls walk in. I crack up because it never fails that we always look like a band of misfits when we go out together. Simone has on a short leather skirt with a V-neck, sleeveless bodysuit on and black strappy heels. Sarah has on a denim dress with brown thigh-high boots. Brittany has on light distressed jeans, a white off the shoulder crop top, and white Chucks. All they need is me in one of my bodysuit and jeans outfits to round out the weird crew. And if Sasha were here in one of her bright-ass dresses and Nina were decked out in one of her graphic tee outfits, we would really stand out. We’d be the reimagined Spice Girls.
The girls make their way to the bar, and I hug each one of them before getting their drinks. A tequila sunrise for Simone, a lager for Brittany, and a vodka cranberry for Sarah. Of course, the bachelorette party is drawn to my girls, and they become fast friends. Simone and “Ratchet” are engaging in a twerk contest, as much as Simone’s leather skirt will allow.
The air in the room changes and Simone’s jaw hits the floor letting me know the guys are here. I look up and these fools seriously look like the sexy cast of an action movie. They’re walking side by side, and every man and woman is clearing out of their way. I’m waiting for something to blow up behind them for special effect. Fucking fools.
“Holy. Shit. Those are Lincoln’s friends? How the fuck do you move to a new city and find a group of guy friends who look like the United Nations of gorgeousness?” I think it’s safe to say that Simone is pleased with me for having Lincoln bring his friends tonight.
Finally the two crews come together, and Simone wastes no time. The guys are great sports while she objectifies and lightly gropes them all night long. After the whole production, Simone ends up latching onto some random guy who’s not part of Lincoln’s crew.
I look out at my old family and my new family and my heart is full.
Oh and on a side note, I’m pretty sure Nina knows what Lincoln and I did when we disappeared for a little while, and I still have my job so I’m counting that as a win.