Perfect for Me by Claudia Burgoa
Chapter Sixteen
Hazel
“Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong.” ― Sarah Dessen
That was intense,I think, as I make an inventory of myself. My heart remains whole, though it’s beating at the speed of light. My legs tremble, but I’m still standing.
The memories of the night I saw him at the strip club are like two hands squeezing my throat, choking me. Our entire relationship plays like one of those movies that promise to be uplifting, and in the end, there’s only despair. After a few deep breaths, I control the surge of adrenaline that rushed through my body. I finally confronted him, yet he left without saying much.
“That was…”
“Too much?” I ask Scott.
“No, I’m proud of you. Usually, you bottle things up.” His voice is cautious.
“I couldn’t stay quiet. How dare he throws the word forever like confetti in the middle of the Fourth of July. Does he know the meaning of forever?” I toss my hands up in the air, shaking my head. “I don’t think many people take love as seriously as they should.”
Glancing at Scott, I notice he’s watching me intently. I wonder what he’s thinking, but mostly, I want to know if he has ever felt such deep love. “Have you ever felt or witnessed that kind of love?”
“What kind?” Scott’s eyes open wide as if my question has hit him on the head, and he’s disoriented.
“The forever kind.”
Scott smiles at me and nods. “My parents.” He swallows harshly.
Those aquamarine eyes look toward the ceiling. I touch his cheek, smoothing it while trying to soothe his pain. It’s been years since they died, but he misses them just as much as he did back then.
“Theirs was bigger than the forever kind. They weren’t perfect, but their love was infinite. You could feel it. They loved us the same way.” His eyes find mine. “Sometimes, I sense it. It’s still around us.”
“Infinite…” I repeat, savoring the word.
The intensity of his eyes makes me look down at my feet. It makes me feel vulnerable, naked.
Can he see what’s going on inside my head?
It’s like I’m in the middle of spring cleaning. But instead of cleaning my memories and emotions, I’m hoarding new ones and creating a bigger mess. While I should throw away what doesn’t work, I grab the words infinite and love and place them on top of a shelf. Maybe while I’m cleaning, I’ll search for just that.
My infinite love.
I imagine infinite love is made of a unique material neither time nor distance would destroy. But is it possible to love so much that you make an imprint in the world? I think about what Elliot and I shared. What kind was it? It didn’t last. The prints of us washed away with every year that passed. Or maybe I’m not looking at them the way I used to.
We promised to love each other, forever, and now…
He took my hand, kissing it. “If you were eighteen, I’d ask you to marry me today.”
“And I would say yes.” I kissed his cheek and then his lips. “That’s the plan, spending the rest of my life with you—as Hazel Beesley-McFee. Living by the sea, with lots of children and all the love.”
All the love, forever with the one person who understands me and loves me as much as I love him. I couldn’t imagine life without him—without his heart.
“Ms. Beesley,Mr. Beesley is on line two,” Zoey walks toward me.
“Thank you, Zoey.”
I swallow hard, walking back to my office. My face flushes as I recall the scene I just made in front of my staff. No one is looking at me now, but…I’m sure everyone heard it.
“God, Gramps would kill me if he knew what just happened.” I shake my head in horror.
“As your mentor, I have to say, that was highly unprofessional,” Scott says dryly.
“Because barging in my office to have a testosterone throwdown was professional,” I retort, throwing him a mischievous smirk.
“Was I supposed to stay put while he was yelling at you?” His jaw tenses. “From the sound of it, things were getting out of hand.”
“I had everything under control.” I glare at him as my stomach grumbles. “I lost my cool because…I don’t know.”
He rolls his eyes and checks his watch. “He came close to lunchtime with a stupid request. We should tell him that our number one rule is, ‘we don’t disturb the hangry monster before her meal times.’” Scott pulls a granola bar out of nowhere.
“Where did you get this?” I smile at him, trying to reach for it.
He lifts his arm, looking down at me. “It’s a magic trick I’ve perfected throughout the years. If you want it, what do we say?”
“Please, Scotty.” I use an innocent yet sultry voice. “Give me all of it.”
His eyes darken, his hand lowers, and I take it. He’s so easy to distract.
The wrapper with the picture of a surfing dude reminds me of Elliot. What’s the story behind the ring? He can’t just say that it was forever. Did he think about forever when he was screwing other women?
“Why would he still wear the wedding band?” I inquire, staring at my snack. Turning it around as if it had the answer. “Would you wear it after everything that happened? It’s been years since the divorce.”
Scott doesn’t answer. As I focus my attention on him, I realize he’s studying me. His lips pressing against each other. His breathing is shallow. Yep, I got to him. For a second, I forget about Elliot and remember how good it feels to be with Scott. But the picture shatters because he’s not the guy for me. The one who would offer me an endless supply of kisses, an unlimited supply of I love yous, and a lifetime of memories and adventures.
“Right, I asked the wrong person. You don’t do the forever thing.” I let out a breath, slumping my shoulders. He’s so frustrating. “Which I can’t understand when you had such loving parents.”
For some unexplained reason and filled now with rage, I continue, “You claim to have witnessed the love of two people that was so big you can describe it as infinite, and you don’t dare to take a chance. Wouldn’t you want to experience that?”
We stare at each other for a few beats. My heart waits for a sign, for a gesture. Scott doesn’t move. I doubt he’s even breathing. I wonder what would’ve happened if his parents were still alive. Would he’d be happily married? From what they tell me, Christopher Everhart adored his wife and worshiped her every day. Is that why I wanted to switch what we had? Expecting he’d give me a magical life like the one his mother had…or like the one my sister lives with his youngest brother, Hunter?
“Why do you still have his last name?” His voice is rough, laced with a hint of jealousy.
“What?” I toss my head back, laughing at his question.
“I wasn’t thinking about last names when I approached Hunter and asked him to help me with the divorce. My goal was for it to be over so I could begin to heal.” I shrug, sighing.
“That was a long time ago. I was young and drowning in pain. It’s a matter of asking Hunt about the process. But a ring…a ring is removable. He took it off while he was with other women. Why is he keeping it now?”
He exhales loudly. Every muscle in his face and back are tense. “I’d wear the ring because I’m still in love with my ex-wife. But if I had a wife, I’d have cherish her and wouldn’t be fucking around with other women. I’d worship her every day.”
“You would?” My breath hitches as his eyes look at me with that tenderness that melts my insides.
Scott breaks the link that connects his soul to mine. He tilts his head toward my desk. “Your grandfather is waiting for you.”
He marches toward the door but stops, and without turning around, he says, “Once you’re done, let’s go to lunch and then to the animal shelter.”
“Tonight, we can bake chocolate chip cookies,” I offer.
He halts, glancing my way. “Mom’s recipe?”
“Is there any other kind?” I laugh, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
“I’ll fix the North Bay contract,” he proposes. “I’m calling Hunter. He owes me a few favors.”
Hunter owes me more than a few, and I have to cash one too.
To: E. McFee
From: Hazel Beesley-McFee
cc: Scott Everhart
Subject: Contract
Attached find the new maintenance contract. We are hiring you for two years, added a two-week termination clause, and a ten thousand dollar fine to the party who requests the early termination. Please advise of any change or courier the signed documents to my office at your earliest convenience.
Regards,
Hazel
I presssend and slam my hand against the desk when the window warns me that I forgot to add an attachment. Ugh… what happened to lunch and leaving soon to meet my new puppy? The fuzziness in my stomach increases as I think about Scott. I hate our current situation.
The wanting to have a real connection with him.
To: Hazel Beesley-McFee
From: E. McFee
Subject: Apology
Bee,
I am sorry for rushing out of your office the way I did after the bomb you dropped on me. If I already felt like I had failed you, now I…fuck, this is just too much to discuss in an email. Just know I’ll make everything right between us. We made a commitment, and I plan on showing you I meant every word I said.
Yours,
Elliot
I should sendhim a dictionary so he can look up the meaning of words like loyal, commitment, and forever. Not that I’ve made a serious commitment myself, but at least I’m not careless about it. I turn to my bare shoulder, looking at the flowers going down it. I made that commitment a year ago. This is something I want to keep forever, along with the lotus flowers that run down my spine. They are a reminder that the strongest most beautiful flowers emerge from murky waters.
The souvenir I kept from my marriage doesn’t have any significance, only the reminder of what we had once upon a time. It has to go. I send an email to my lawyer requesting to initiate the paperwork to change my name back to Beesley.
To: Hunter Everhart
From: Hazel Beesley
Subject: Last Name
Hi Hunt,
Can you help me regain my maiden name, please?
Give some kisses to Wills and Charles.
Hazel Bee
To: Hazel Beesley
From: Hunter Everhart
Subject: Last Name
That’s a strange request. I mean, after all these years. But, don’t fear. It’s simple. I’m attaching the forms I need you to fill out. I have your power of attorney up to date. I’ll take care of the rest after you courier those back.
Ready to come home?
We miss you,
Hunter
