Perfect for Me by Claudia Burgoa

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Hazel

“Only do not forget, if I wake up crying, it’s only because in my dream I’m a lost child hunting through the leaves of the night for your hands.” ― Pablo Neruda

My eyes flutter open.I sit up immediately because I feel his absence. The room spins, and my chest aches. Slowly, I turn to his side of the bed. It’s empty, cold, and as lonely as my heart.

Scott left me.

My heart is gone, or maybe the broken little pieces disappeared. The bittersweet gust dragged the fragments. Is it over?

There’s hope,a voice murmurs in my ear.

Pushing myself from the bed, I search through the apartment for him. He’s gone. I only find an envelope with my name written in his sloppy handwriting. I stare at it for several seconds. That letter is a small, unknown insect that could sting me—or kill me. While I’m frightened by what it can do if it bites, I’m curious about what it is. For several seconds, I wonder if I should read it or if I should call him and ask him to come back to me.

How can he leave me after what we shared?

How dare he leave me after I surrendered? I should go to the office, talk to him, and …and I shouldn’t. He made me promise I’d work through my confusion before I contacted him. But wasn’t my surrender enough to convince him that I love him?

My phone buzzes. I walk back to my room and take a step back when Elliot’s name flashes on the screen. My pulse increases when I remember last night and our kiss. I hate myself because nothing we said cleared my confusion. It was that promise I made to Scott. Until I’m sure of my feelings, he doesn’t want to stick around. But how will I know?

I can’t analyze my situation. Not when Scott has just left.

I dress, refusing to shower. Today I want to smell like Scott, remembering him at least for the last time. I am sick to my stomach, revolted by my confusion. His stupid doubt brought us to this. If he had chosen me before, I wouldn’t have ever looked back on Elliot. But who do I love?

My infinite is one of them, and I want to cry because I want it to be Scott. Out of anyone in this world, he deserves to be loved. But Elliot…he lost everything since his father died, and I want him to be happy again. The way he used to make me happy.

I fire a text to Scott before I leave the house.

Hazel: I’ll respect your wishes. But I wanted to remind you that I like you forever and always.

I drop onto my bed as I read the text I sent him. Regretting the words not because I don’t mean them, but because they are part of the last words his mom told him before she died. What if I never see him again?

The mere thought is like the drop that spills the glass of water. So, I finally let myself cry for what I’m doing to the best man I’ve ever met, Scott. He doesn’t deserve me or the uncertainty I’ve created.

I cry for him. For what he’s lost. For not being enough for him. And while the tears wash away my pain, I pray that he finds someone who can be everything he needs, and nothing like me. But God, my soul wilts. I sob harder. What’ll happen if someone else owns his heart?

“Day two without Scott,”I say out loud.

Rising from the floor, I dust my hands and walk to the door. I smile at the delivery guy as I sign the receipt, then close the door. I sigh as I glare at the takeout I ordered through my app. This would be different if Scott were around. It’s not that I can’t feed myself or think about how to take care of myself, but I felt special when he did it for me. I loved taking care of him. Last night, I couldn’t sleep as I wondered where he spent the night and if he was taking care of himself. We had one of those relationships where one would look after the other. I close the door and glance toward my purse where the letter he left yesterday morning waits for me.

The pit of my stomach clenches, afraid of what it might say. I haven’t read it. I don’t plan to do it soon. I’m hurt because he left after we made love. It was so tender, magical, and like nothing we had experienced before. Yet then he left.

You would’ve begged him to stay. I hate that I understand how he thinks.

The confusion isn’t gone with his absence. It increased. I send a nine-one-one text to Luna and another to Harrison. Thank God for small miracles, Harrison texts back, saying he’d call me in just a few.

“What’s up, Bee?”

“Are you sure I can’t be in love with two different people?”

I look at the keys to the house I bought with Scott. Yesterday morning, I realized we bought a freaking house—together. In Everhart terms, that means, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” But Elliot built me the bookcases, and he promised to create a house and a family with me so many years ago.

“You can be in love with many people. But not one love is the same as the other. You taught me that. Didn’t you?”

“Yes, but I feel strongly about Scott and Elliot. If I choose…”

I close my eyes, thinking about the consequences of choosing either one. I would lose the other, and I’d hurt him.

“Who do you see yourself with?”

“What does that mean?”

“Who do you want to grow old with, Bee?”

“I imagined it would be Elliot,” I say, thinking about our old plans.

“Is that image still fresh in your mind?” His question freezes every memory that’s ingrained inside my head.

I remain silent.

“Today, you’re allowed to love them both. But soon you must choose. Who do you want to grow old with? You can only spend the rest of your life with one of them.”

“It’s so simple to say, ‘Choose one, Bee.’ But how can I do it without hurting the other one?”

“You’ll hurt him so much more when he realizes that you’re still in love with the other guy. That your heart belongs to him. This is precisely why Scott didn’t want to profess his love for you.”

“He did,” I whisper. “He told me he loved me. So much he can’t breathe without me.”

“I’m sure he’s loved you since he met you, Hazel.”

“But he asked me not to go to him unless I am sure he’s the one.”

“Is he?”

“I—” I snap my mouth closed.

“Tell me, which one made you fall so madly in love you aren’t able to breathe unless he’s right by your side?”

I stare at my old house, searching for answers. But there’s nothing in here. In fact, there is nothing left in this place. The walls don’t hold the answers—or my happiness.

“Which love is the one you want to hold and nurture for the rest of your life?”

“If I knew, I wouldn’t be tormenting myself with so many questions, Harrison. I don’t want to hurt either one, but neither one chose me when I offered them my heart. Now…I’m at a loss.”

“Dad would tell you that to be in love means you’ll see beyond the flaws, and you’ll love the other person even because of their imperfections. That the fire you create between the two of you will remain ignited even when you’re too far away. The world will spin with every kiss as the magic bonds your hearts every time you touch. You’ll sacrifice everything for the other person, but you’ll know that no matter where you are, your heart will belong to him, forever.”

“Scott didn’t give up on us, did he?”

“No, Scott sacrificed his heart because yours is more important.”

“Have you seen him?”

“Yeah, I’m at the penthouse with my brothers,” he replies. “Last night, we flew back to New York. Fitz sent a 9-1-1 call.”

My heart clenches with the news, and I want to tell him I’m a mess too. Because his brother left me.

“How is he?”

“He’s a fucking mess,” he responds.

I gasp, worried about his state of mind.

“But before you jump on a plane, I need you to figure out your shit,” he warns me. “He will always be your Scotty, even if you stay with Elliot. It’s best if you let him go now.”

“I haven’t decided yet.”

“Well, don’t call him until you choose, please.”

“Even if I don’t choose him?”

“Either way, he needs to know, and you two have to heal.”

“How about you and your brothers? Will I lose you?”

“Never, you’re ours.”

I swallow, closing my eyes, relieved that I still belong to them even if Scott and I aren’t together. “Thank you for the advice.”

“Anytime, Bee.”

“Hazel, are you in there?” My heart beats fast as I hear Elliot’s voice.

What do I do now?