Perfect for Me by Claudia Burgoa

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Hazel

Love ends for reasons and leaves with a lesson. ~ Anonymous

“Hi.”I open the door, looking at Elliot.

I remember the beautiful boy next door. He used to be shorter, lankier, and so sweet. Suddenly, everything is all clear. He’s not that kid anymore, and I’m not that girl.

“I’ve been calling you since yesterday.” He tilts his head, looking at me. “Are you okay?”

No, not okay at all, just getting by.

“It’s been a complicated day.”

“Is there something I can help with?”

“Can we talk?” I clear my face, tilting my head toward the backyard.

He nods, stepping into the house to follow me as I make my way to the backyard. I stop right on our spot, just outside of the property a few feet away from the ocean, but far enough to avoid the water.

“Yesterday wasn’t a good day,” I confess, staring at the waves washing the sand back to the ocean.

“Your depression?” He squeezes my hand. “Lean on me. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

“Thank you, but it wasn’t that. I’ve had a couple of days to think about us, our past and…” I swallow, gathering the courage to say the words. “I don’t see us getting back together.”

He flinches, and then, his body goes still. My heart bleeds as I say these words. While working at my parents’ house, I believed I’d be happy here in San Francisco. I convinced myself that maybe if I looked beyond what I had in New York, I’d find what I had lost or something new. I’ve spent minutes, days, and weeks remembering how life was with Elliot. Everything became so clear how I fell in love with him when I was fifteen. He was the perfect boy.

Slowly, our time together has come back to me. For the past couple of weeks, I wanted to believe that Elliot was who I loved. This week I had a taste of what things can be between us. I submerged myself in a bubble where I pretended that this could be my life. Except I feel incomplete. A part of me is missing, my heart.

“For a moment, I wanted to believe I never stopped loving you.”

I pause, looking at the ocean. “But, I did. No matter how long we talk about the past and our future or how much we kiss, we can’t bring back what we lost.”

“But what we had was enough.”

But there’s nothing left. My heart is in New York.

With Scott.

Things with Scott have always been different, unique. Our love is imperfect in a way that fits the two of us. He makes me feel like I’m in the middle of a storm. He’s the storm. I love when I get lost in him. Because every time we’re together, he finds me and reminds me he’s where I belong. We had our safe world where only the two of us coexisted.

The way I fit with Scott is inimitable.

”We don’t have to rush into anything,” Elliot presses with a cautious tone. He makes it sound like something that can be fixed. “We can take it one day at a time. This is us, Hazel. There’s a good reason you came back…”

He pauses, closing his eyes for a beat. “To me.”

“We could try,” I whisper, swallowing the words, I didn’t come back to you, though. This journey was about me. “ I can work hard to fit myself into the mold where we can exist.” I look down at the tattoo on my foot.

Live the life you love; love the life you live.

“But it’s been over for years, Eli.”

“That’s not possible, Bee.” He points toward the horizon.

“You came back into my life. Everything is going back to what it’s supposed to be.” His desperate voice overwhelms me. “You’re my wife, my forever. The person who I should spend the rest of my life with. If not you, then what’ll happen to me?”

For years, I thought in that same way. If it’s not him, then who? When the love of my life arrived, I shielded myself behind Elliot, and I hurt him. Scott doubted me because of his insecurities but also because of mine.

I lift my hand and stroke his arm. “It’s time to build your life.”

“This isn’t forever.” I grab his left hand and twist off his ring. “It’s a shield to protect yourself from the outside world but also to punish yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

He frowns, staring at my hands in horror as I strip him from the object he’s been using as an excuse to live. I would know it because he’s been my excuse too.

“It’s a buffer you use to keep everyone away from your heart,” I explain, thinking about the many strategies I used to keep myself away from everyone who tried to get too close. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“Bee, I’m the one who hurt you, and I can’t forgive myself for doing so.”

“Find a way to forgive yourself too, Eli.”

I place the ring in the sand, right next to him. It’s his decision what to do with it next.

“Our love was only meant to live for a few breaths. It was beautiful nonetheless.” I try to come up with an explanation of why we shared such an intense love, and why we couldn’t keep it alive. “I was chaos to your thoughts; you became poison to my heart.”

“Are you seriously saying goodbye?” His head drops, his chin almost hitting his chest.

I nod. My heart is beating fast, and my hands are sweaty. It’s not because I’m depressed but anxious to end this conversation and fly back to Scott’s side.

“But…I love you,” he says with a slight stutter.

I hear it clearly. The doubt in his feelings.

“The fact that you pushed me so easily away from your heart proves I wasn’t as important. When you have a love as strong as the roots of a redwood tree, there’s no way to remove it from your heart. But I’m thankful for everything you did for me. Loving me, protecting me, and making me laugh. Thank you for letting me love you.”

“You’re giving up on us.” His tone is angry. His voice remains low. “All these years, I’ve been waiting for a chance to tell you how sorry I am for hurting you. That I love you, and that there’s no life without you.”

He presses his lips together. The silence becomes deafening, and the sadness of the moment dims my soul. I hate the guilt that’s thumping wildly through my chest. I did nothing wrong, but I understand him. I’ve been as lost as him.

“You said you forgave me.”

“Yes, but that’s not enough to be together.”

“I feel like I lost you three times. You came back and reminded me of how amazing it is to be in love with you. And now, you’re leaving me again.” Elliot lifts his chin, exhaling the words harshly. “How am I supposed to continue now? My heart is empty.”

“You live, and along the way, you’ll find just the right person for you.” I look at the horizon, smiling as I think about Scott.

He was the guy who pulled down the wall I had built and loved all those broken pieces he found beneath it. Even better, he fused them together with his heart.

The magic you create when you’re together, it stays with you. Anyone can sense it.

I recall Scott’s parents, and the stories he tells me about them, and their love.

Infinite.

As I reach for the word I placed on top of the shelf and hold it close to my heart, I see him.

Scott.

“Scott?” His voice is loud, but there’s no anger.

I face him. “Pardon me?”

“You’re in love with Scott.” He narrows his gaze, his lips pressed against each other.

“Eli…”

He angles his head, furrowing his eyebrows. “It all makes sense. During the gala, I noticed the light touches between the two of you. There’s something about the two of you. I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but it’s so clear.”

We stare at each other, and I swallow hard. “I’m sorry if this hurt you, Elliot. My relationship with Scott has been confusing. Then suddenly, you walked into my office, and my brain crashed.”

He huffs. “I hoped things would be different this time.”

“Do you see us together?” I play with the sand, recalling Harrison’s words.

Who do you see yourself growing old with?

“Or do you just think it’ll bring your old life back if we try to work on that old relationship?”

We stare at each other for several breaths. The memories of us replay in my head. This is the boy who taught me how to surf, who followed me on my multiple adventures, and held my hand, assuring me I wasn’t alone.

“I was so lucky,” I mumble. “For having you as my best friend while growing up. That’s something I’ll always cherish.”

Suddenly, his eyes widen. His shoulders collapsed, and his gaze falls. “I hate that you’re right. I should fight you, fight for us, but…” He shakes his head. “It’s been so long since I could see you in my future. I’ve always saved you in the past.”

He exhales the words. “We’re over.”

“I think neither one of us wanted to accept it.” Teardrops fall, cascading down my cheeks as the reality sinks into the depths of my soul.

Elliot leans forward, drying my tears away with his thumbs. He puts his arm around me. “I love you. I do, and I always have. I’m sure I always will. But I’m sorry that I stopped loving you the way you deserved.”

“I’m sorry too.” I rest my head on his shoulder.

“Thank you,” he says as he kisses the top of my head. “For finally giving me that closure.”

We remain still, silently grieving for our losses. As sad as this moment is, there’s a lightness in my back and in my heart.

Elliot brushes a strand of hair out of my face. “Are you going back to New York?”

“Yes, that’s where my family lives, and that’s where I belong.” I rise from my seat. “Maybe we’ll finish the house and use it as a vacation spot.”

“If you need help with this place, let me know.” He kisses my cheek. “I’ll see you around, Hazel Bee.”