Don’t Let Me Break by Linda Verji

 

 

CHAPTER 19

 

He’s not gay! He’s not gay! The phrase rang incessantly in Marley’s thoughts as she and Sebastian finished their lesson. He’s not gay!

Happy was an understatement for how she felt and she had to work hard to keep from grinning foolishly in front of him. To top off her thrill, Sebastian invited her to his home for a home-cooked dinner after their ride. Could her day get any better?

Hours later, she sat at his kitchen island, watching him prepare dinner. She offered, “Can I help with anything?”

“You’re my guest.” Sebastian, who was shaping lamb patties for burgers, insisted, “I’m not putting you to work.”

“I don’t mind.”

“But I do.” Smiling, he met her eyes. “Besides, I want to show off my skills. The last time you were here, you left in such a hurry that I didn’t even get to feed you.”

The reminder of her previous visit and how it had occurred had her ducking her head down in mortification. However, it also brought several questions to mind. If Hazel had lied about Sebastian being gay, what else had she been lying about? What exactly had happened between the two of them that night?

If it was a month ago, Marley would’ve been too afraid to ask him. But now that she was comfortable with him, speaking her mind was easier. She waited until they were done eating dinner and were on the couch watching a movie and drinking wine before approaching the subject.

“Sebastian.” She drew his attention from the TV to her. “Can I ask you a question?”

He nodded. “Sure.”

“What happened that night with Hazel?” Marley asked. “I wasn’t there and all I have is her story which isn’t all that reliable.”

“that night?” he winced. “Don’t even remind me.”

In between sips of wine, he revealed everything that had happened the first night he and Hazel met. He described his following her into the club because he was worried, to having to barricade himself in his room to escape her incessant attempts at seduction.

By the time he was done with the story, Marley was torn between embarrassment, anger, elation and confusion. How dare Hazel use her body so recklessly! They were just lucky that Sebastian was the one who’d taken her home. If it were any other man, they’d be fighting an STD infection right now.

Still, Marley was happy that he’d rejected Hazel. She didn’t want to share him with that vixen. He was hers and hers alone.

Is he though? The tiny voice in her head mocked. Though she and Hazel were different people, he didn’t know that at the time. Technically, that meant that he’d rejected Marley. In an instant, her anger was replaced by disappointment.

So what if he wasn’t gay? He still wasn’t interested in her as more than a friend.

“What’s wrong?” Sebastian yanked her from her thoughts.

“Huh?” She looked up to find him watching her.

“Your face tells me you’re not happy.” Completely misinterpreting her despondency, he added, “I promise I’m not lying. Nothing happened between Hazel and I.”

“I know you’re not lying.” Though she wanted to drop the subject, she couldn’t stop herself from asking, “Why did you reject her?”

‘Because he doesn’t like you, stupid,’ the voice in her head mocked.

Sebastian set his half-full wineglass on the coffee-table. “Because I don’t like her.”

“Oh!” Marley’s heart dropped to her stomach as disappointment overwhelmed her.

See, the little voice in her head gloated. He doesn’t like you.

As if he wasn’t done stabbing her, he turned in his seat so that he was facing her completely then added, “I like someone else.”

“I see.” She forced a smile. And even though it felt like her face was cracking from the effort to keep that smile intact, she added, “That’s great for you.”

“You.” He stared her dead in the eye.

Confused, she arched her eyebrows. “Huh?”

Sebastian shifted closer to her on the couch. He took her wineglass from her and set it on the coffee-table next to his. Looking more serious than she’d ever seen him, he announced, “I like you.”

Marley could’ve sworn that her heart stopped then. Everything around her stilled, as did her whole body. Had he just said what she thought he’d said?

“I like you,” he repeated as he kept his eyes on her.

His confession was so out of left field that it left her dry-mouthed and stuttering. “Um… I- I- I don’t know what to- what to say.”

“What about you?” He set his arm on the back of the couch. The distance between them was so short that his fingers grazed her hair. “What do you feel about me?”

Of course she liked him, and she wanted to tell him that. However, her lips refused to let out the words.

Misinterpreting her silence, he asked, “You don’t like me?”

She shook her head.

He frowned. “No? You don’t like me?”

That definitely wasn’t what she meant. She swallowed convulsively then forced herself to speak. “N- n- no, I like- I like you too.”

This was the first time she’d ever confessed her feelings to anyone, and those words felt foreign to her lips. However, the grin that immediately creased Sebastian’s face eased whatever discomfort she felt.

He shifted even closer to her. His eyes on her and his fingers playing with a lock of her hair, he murmured, “Can I kiss you?”

Did men usually ask before kissing?

Despite being in her late twenties, Marley had only had one boyfriend in her life. It was back in her freshman year of college with a junior called Hiram. He’d pursued her rather aggressively and practically trapped her into a relationship because she was too timid to insist that she wasn’t interested.

Their first kiss had happened one night while he was dropping her off at home. Hiram had cornered her against a lamppost then proceeded to forcefully mash his lips to hers in a very inexpert, toothy and salivary kiss that had her fighting to get out of his arms. Right then and there, Marley had decided that she didn’t like kissing.

Going by the kiss, sex with Hiram would’ve been garbage too. Thankfully, Hazel had appeared and frightened him away before Marley had to have sex with him.

“Can I kiss you?” Sebastian yanked her attention back to him.

Because of her messy first kiss, she was tempted to say no. Despite that, she nodded.

And she was glad she did.

His gaze locked with hers, Sebastian arched his upper body towards her. His hand moved from her hair to cup the back of her neck. His touch alone was enough to leave goosebumps on her skin and send shivers to her body. But when his breath whispered against her lips, her insides fluttered nervously.

She closed her eyes just as their lips connected.

He touched his mouth to hers, gently, carefully. His warm lips rested over hers for a long second then they began to move. Suckling her bottom lip, nipping her top lip, parting her mouth to sneak in and lick the inside. She tasted him then; wine and man rolled into one. He was delicious, and she wanted more of him.

Before she knew it, she was moving her mouth to the rhythm of his, mimicking his movements. Her tongue met his in an intoxicating dance that had her moving her tightly fisted hands from her lap to his t-shirt. Her touching his chest must’ve sparked something in him because he groaned low in his throat, then both his arms circled her upper body to gather her against him.

So this was what a real kiss felt like?

This was nothing like her first kiss.

My God! Marley couldn’t get enough of Sebastian’s kisses. She didn’t know whether they kissed for one minute or one hour but when he ended it, she still wanted more.

Though Sebastian pulled slightly apart from her, the look in his hooded eyes as they lowered to her heaving breasts said that he was already regretting that decision. He wasn’t ready to let her go either.

His voice gruff with lingering desire, he said, “I want to date you.”

What? It was like getting splashed with a bucket of ice-cold water. Marley’s dazed thoughts cleared up as shock swooped in to overshadow passion.

She pulled in a sharp breath. “You want- want to date?”

He nodded. “I do.”

She swallowed. “Like- like have sex with me?”

His eyes twinkled with amusement. “Dating is more than just sex but yes, I’d like that to be part of the package too.”

But she still wasn’t sure that she understood him. “What do you mean by more?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Spending time with each other, getting to know each other, becoming a couple, telling others about us, maybe thinking about the future.”

What he was talking about was a relationship… a real relationship. Surely, he was kidding.

Marley stuttered, “What about- what about-”

“What about what?” Sebastian prodded.

Kissing and sex was one thing, but dating was a whole other matter. Was he out of his mind?

“What about my- my issues?” She stared at him in wide-eyed bewilderment. “Don’t you- don’t you mind?”

He smiled. “No, I don’t mind.”

Why? Why didn’t he mind?

Frankly, Marley had considered what might happen if someone liked her and she liked them back. In her estimation, there was a limited distance that she and that person could go. Kissing, a one-night stand, maybe a few more nights together until he got tired of her or found out about her sickness. But she’d never considered that someone who knew about her condition might actually want to date her. Complicated was a tame word for everything that she was. Maybe Sebastian didn’t really understand the full extent of what he was signing up for.

She tried to explain, “I’m not like other women.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t.” She shook her head vigorously. “Dating me isn’t like dating other women. You’ll have to deal with me and with Hazel too.”

“I know.”

“Then why do you…” Her words faded into silence as confusion overwhelmed her.

“Because I like you.” His lips kicked up into a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I really, really, really like you, and I’m willing to deal with all that just so I can be with you.”

Was he high? Maybe he was just overwhelmed by the moment. In the light of day when he wasn’t so confused by the wild hormones racing between them because of the kiss, he’d change his mind. She suggested, “You should- you should think about this a little more.”

“Don’t do that,” he scolded.

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t make it seem like I’m the one getting the short end of the stick if we date.” He added, “You don’t know me well. Maybe you’re the one who should think about this a little more.”

What was he on? She was obviously the defective one between them.

“What you have isn’t as big a deal as you think it is,” Sebastian went on. “Everyone has psychological issues; Mommy issues, Daddy issues, OCD, trouble getting close to people, spending issues, obsession issues, alcoholism, inability to commit, gaming addictions, self-esteem issues, self-discipline issues…. Why do you think good therapists are always fully booked? We’ve all got something that’s wrong with us. Yours is just more obvious than others.”

She couldn’t help asking, “Okay then, what’s wrong with you?”

He grinned. “Date me and you’ll find out.”

His response was so flippant that it left her even more puzzled. Was he really serious about this? Did he really want to date a broken woman like her?

“You know what?” Sebastian said, “It looks like you’re the one who needs some time. Think about it over the weekend. We can talk again once you’ve made up your mind.”

He was wrong about her needing time. If this was up to her, she would’ve snatched him up already. But she liked him too much to watch him just walk blindly into a black hole like her. Between them, he was the one who needed time. A day or two of thought would help him come to his senses.

She slowly rose to her feet. “I- I think- I think I should go home.”