Don’t Let Me Break by Linda Verji

 

 

CHAPTER 17

 

It’s Hazel’s fault, Marley thought even as she tried to focus on her work.

If it wasn’t for Hazel, Sebastian would’ve never found out that she wasn’t well. If it wasn’t for Hazel, her coworkers wouldn’t keep stopping by her desk to ask her why she wasn’t as feisty as yesterday. If it wasn’t for Hazel…

Stop putting all this on Hazel, the little voice in her head scolded. It’s your fault too.

Yes, it was her fault too. If she wasn’t so much of a coward, Hazel wouldn’t have shown up. If she had at least mentioned some of her lunches with Sebastian in her vlog, Hazel probably wouldn’t have made so many mistakes with him.

To be honest, Marley had wanted to keep Sebastian to herself. The time they spent together was precious to her. She wanted those experiences to be hers and hers alone… not hers and Hazel’s. That’s why she’d only made cursory mentions of him in her vlogs. But obviously, that was a mistake because now Sebastian knew the truth.

Fortunately, her coworkers were less astute than Sebastian. Though they’d noticed that she was calmer today, they put it down to mood swings and left it at that. Also, Hazel’s brief stint as Marley wasn’t all bad. The three witches seemed to have gained a healthy fear of Marley.

“They were talking mad crap about you at Quinn’s party, but the moment I said ‘Hey, Marley,’ they froze.” Eugene laughed. “You should’ve seen their faces.”

Quinn chuckled. “I think Felix peed himself a little.”

“You should’ve been there,” Zion said. “Why didn’t you come?”

The four of them (Marley, Eugene, Quinn and Zion) were in the cafeteria having lunch. Sure, Marley would’ve preferred to be at the rooftop, but she wasn’t ready to see Sebastian yet.

“Yeah,” Quinn chimed in. “Why didn’t you come?”

“Something- something came up.” Marley grasped around for an excuse and came up with, “Stomach bug.”

“Oh, that’s a shame.” Eugene frowned in worry. “Are you feeling better today?”

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m fine.” Marley forced a smile as she turned to Quinn. “I’m sorry.”

“No apologies needed.” Quinn waved away her words with a smile. “But you’re in luck. I saved you some cake. I forgot to bring it today, but I’ll make sure I bring it on Monday.”

The conversation soon wandered off into discussions about the party’s drama and who’d drunk too much. While her friends talked, Marley let her mind wander back to Sebastian.

His knowing her secret terrified her. Not because she was afraid that he’d tell anyone. He’d promised not to, and she believed him. What terrified her was how he’d treat her from now on. Would he treat her like a scourge? Would he try to avoid her like everyone who’d found out before did? Would he treat her like a mental patient instead of a friend now? Experience told her that she was right to be afraid. Still, she hoped and prayed that she was wrong.

The four friends finished their lunch about half an hour later. Just as Marley settled at her desk, her phone vibrated, announcing the arrival of a message. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the name onscreen. Mr. Levy. She quickly swiped her finger over the screen to read his message.

He said: Hey, are you up for dinner?

Did that mean that he wanted to have dinner together? Marley stared at her phone for a beat then typed: Tonight?

Sebastian quickly wrote back: Yeah, tonight. Are you free?

If it were someone else who’d discovered her secret, Marley would be doing her best to avoid them. However, this was Sebastian. She couldn’t bring herself to avoid him any longer. She texted: Sure.

‘What time are you signing out?’ he asked.

She wrote: Five-thirty I think.

‘Great,’ he returned, ‘I’ll be waiting for you in my car.’

At five-fifteen, Sebastian emerged from his office. As he said goodbye to the people who were closest to the stairs, he glanced at her desk and gave her a small smile. That was her cue. She waited five minutes after he was gone before signing out from work and following him.

As planned, he was already in his car, waiting for her.

“Hi,” she greeted as she got into the car.

“Hi.” He smiled back. “That was fast.”

“I- I didn’t want to keep you waiting.” Avoiding his eyes, she strapped on her seatbelt.

He started the car, and soon they were on their way. Marley wanted to ask where they were going, but her mouth refused to voice the words.

Fortunately, Sebastian could read her mind. “I made a reservation at that new restaurant, Black Rose. I hope you don’t mind.”

“N- no, I don’t mind.” Marley finally found her voice. “Why- why did you want to have din- dinner?”

“I just wanted to-” He met her eyes. “I wanted to apologize.”

She frowned. “Ap- apologize for wha- what?”

“For how I came at you this morning.” His gaze troubled, he turned his attention back to the road. “I was so focused on making sure I was right that I didn’t even think about how cornering you would make you feel. I should’ve been more sensitive. I’m sorry.”

His words left Marley stunned. This wasn’t the first time someone had found out that she had a mental disorder. It also wasn’t the first time she’d been confronted about it. However, this was the first time someone had apologized for cornering her.

His eyes met hers again. “Will you forgive me?”

The regretful look in his eyes had her quickly nodding. “Okay.”

He sighed. “After thinking about it, I realized that I should’ve have just pretended not to know. It’s none of my business anyway.”

“No,” Marley immediately cut him off. “It’s better that you asked.”

“Is it?” He offered her a stiff smile. “I’d just hate for our relationship to get awkward because I was pushy and couldn’t keep my mouth shut.”

“Our relationship won’t change,” Marley refuted.

Honestly, this whole conversation felt very foreign to her. In the past, whenever someone found out about her disorder, they distanced themselves from her. But Sebastian wasn’t running away. If anything, it seemed as if he was trying to keep her from running.

“So we’re still friends?” he asked.

She nodded. “We’re still friends.”

All the tension and worry that had been holding her nerves hostage the whole day drained away. Relief and happiness took its place.

“What’s funny?” Sebastian asked.

“Huh?” She met his eyes.

“You’re smiling,” he noted, even as his lips curved in a smile of their own.

Am I? Marley touched her lips and realized that indeed she was smiling. She tried to stiffen her expression, but her lips kept turning up. Sebastian didn’t mention it again though, and the rest of the ride was quiet with each of them smiling to their own thoughts.

Black Rose was a fine-dining restaurant on the tenth floor of one of the tallest buildings in the city. It featured a superstar chef, who’d won a popular cooking show, smartly dressed servers, moneyed guests, expensive food and menus that didn’t come with price-tags.

Trying not to show how awed she was by the place’s sophistication, Marley matched Sebastian’s stride as they followed the host to their table.

“Thank you,” she whispered when Sebastian pulled out her seat for her.

“You’re welcome.” He took the seat opposite her.

The host left but came back minutes later with their drinks and a server. The host left them with the server so they could order their food. All this time, Sebastian didn’t say anything to Marley other than to ask her what she wanted to eat. But every time his gaze met hers, she could see the questions in his eyes. It was quite obvious that he was curious about her but didn’t want to risk offending her again.

As soon as the server left with their orders, Marley spoke. “You can ask.”

Sebastian’s eyebrows flew up. “Ask what?”

“I know you have questions.” She smiled. “You don’t have to hesitate. You can ask.”

At first it looked like he wanted to deny that he had questions. However, after a few minutes of silently assessing her, he broke. “Okay, I’ll ask. What do you have?”

Surprised, she asked, “I thought you already figured it out.”

“No, I just figured out your symptoms and that it was some kind of mental disorder,” he admitted. “But I don’t know which it is. You know how- how these things are. You never really know what’s troubling someone unless they tell you about…” His words faded off as instant regret filled his gaze.

It was almost as if he thought he’d said the wrong thing again. A heartbeat later, he rushed in with, “Look, you don’t have to tell me. Forget I even asked. I was just-”

“D.I.D.” Marley ended his floundering. “I have D.I.D. Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

He blinked once, twice then said, “Oh!”

It wasn’t the reaction she was expecting. Most people assumed she was joking or lying. To many people, D.I.D was a myth, a mental disorder that screenwriters made up to make their movies spicier.

“You’re not surprised?” she asked.

“I am and I’m not,” he said, confusing her even more. “I expected something like that but didn’t really think that I’d be right.”

“You know about D.I.D?”

“I know a lot about all sorts of illnesses.” He paused for a beat then added, “My dad has schizophrenia so I’ve done a lot of research in the area.”

“Ah!” She nodded slowly.

His eyebrows shot up. “Ah?”

She let out a small laugh. “Now, I understand why you caught me so fast.”

He laughed too, but soon, his gaze became thoughtful. “I just realized something.”

“What?”

He smiled. “You’re not stammering anymore.”

Marley immediately touched her fingers to her lips as she realized that he was right. She wasn’t stammering anymore. That only happened when she was really, really comfortable with someone. Was she really that comfortable with Sebastian?

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” He winced. “Me and my big mouth again.”

There was something incredibly amusing and endearing about his hangdog expression. Before she could help herself, she giggled.

Confusion furrowing his brow, he asked, “What’s funny?”

“You.” She laughed again.

The server chose that moment to bring their food. Now that the ice had been broken between them, conversation came easy. Sebastian told her about how his mother had died when he was just a toddler. He told her how his father had raised him and his older brother, Matías, just fine despite being a single father and suffering from schizophrenia. She told him about Hazel and how she was an expert at setting Marley’s life on fire.

For the first time, Marley felt like she was understood not pitied. For the first time, she was glad to be found out.

“Are you serious?” Sebastian asked as they were eating. “No one else at the office knows.”

Marley shook her head. “No one.”

“Not even HR?”

“Not even HR,” she confirmed. “I couldn’t tell them.”

He studied her for a second. “Are you afraid that they’ll start treating you differently?”

She nodded. “It’s crossed my mind.”

Marley’s therapist insisted that mental sickness wasn’t something to be ashamed of. That it was just the same as being physically ill. However, Marley had learnt early in her life that most people didn’t treat people like her the way they treated people with physiological illnesses.

People with physiological illnesses got sympathy, empathy, hospital visits, get-well cards and so many people offered to take care of them while they were in hospital. They, their families and their friends could talk about their illness openly and even have fundraisers to raise money for treatment.

Meanwhile, people with psychological issues like her had to hide what they have because they were automatically branded as mad when they revealed their secrets. They got filmed and posted on social media for laughs whenever they had mental breakdowns. They were treated with dismay, fear or scorn by friend and foe alike. They were often neglected. No one visited mental hospitals unless they were forced to by familial ties.

“I know how people can be,” Sebastian cut into her thoughts. “But you should consider telling HR or at least Omar. That way if Hazel appears and does something really out there, the company can give you a break.”

He was right of course. But still, Marley couldn’t see herself telling anyone of her own free will. “I’m just afraid that people at work will start to think of me differently. I don’t want to tell them.”

Her coworkers thought of her as normal right now. But the moment she told them about her illness, things would change. She’d turn into a pariah… this she knew from experience.

“Besides, Hazel can be… wild… but she’s not stupid,” Marley admitted. “She knows which lines to cross, and which lines to stay behind to keep us from getting locked up again.”

“Okay.” Sebastian reluctantly admitted defeat. “But just think about it.”

Marley didn’t need to. She’d read up on all the rules and none of them said she had to mention Hazel. The only way she’d ever tell the company about her illness was if hell froze over.

To change the topic, she asked, “Did your dad tell anyone about his illness?”

“He told everyone.” Sebastian laughed. “But that’s because he’s in a different situation from you.”

When Marley gave him a curious look, he explained, “He’s a writer, which means he has no coworkers or employers to care about. Most of the time, the only people who even see his breakdowns are immediate family members and his doctor. Also, he considers himself as a spokesman for mental health and doesn’t see his illness as a bad thing, just as a fact of his life.”

His words drew a rueful smile from Marley.

“What?” he prodded.

“It’s just…” She paused as she tried to think of a way to express her feelings. “I wish I could be like him and not give a damn.”

“You don’t have to be like him,” Sebastian said, a soft smile playing on his face. “Everyone deals with this kind of stuff differently, and your way is okay too.”

Was it? Was it really? Marley was self-aware enough to know that her habit of running away whenever she needed to deal with issues was unhealthy. She’d gotten better at it over the years, but Hazel’s persistent presence was proof that she wasn’t doing enough. Still, she appreciated Sebastian’s words of consolation.

“Hey,” Sebastian drew her attention back to him. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

She frowned. “Tomorrow?”

“It’s a Saturday,” he reminded her. “Do you have plans?”

Did lounging on the sofa in pajamas and gorging on snacks and mind-numbing movies count? Probably not. She shook her head. “Not really.”

“I’m going biking tomorrow.” He looked nervous as he asked, “Would you like to come with me?”

It sounded like a very healthy way to spend a Saturday but… Marley winced. “I’m sorry. I don’t how to ride a bike.”

Sebastian was stunned. His jaw slackened. “What?”

“I don’t - don’t know how to ride a bike.” She swallowed convulsively. “No one taught me.”

Other little girls learnt how to ride a bike from their parents, siblings or friends. Marley’s father was an asshole, her mother was too busy avoiding blows, Kenny didn’t know either, and growing up, Marley had no friends. There was no one to teach her.

“I’ll teach you,” Sebastian immediately offered.

Her heart leapt in her chest. “You will?”

He grinned. “I will.”