Don’t Let Me Break by Linda Verji

 

 

CHAPTER 5

 

Despite Hazel’s desperation to get out of hospital, Kenny insisted that they get the checkups that the doctor offered. She wanted to make sure that Marley didn’t have a concussion or something worse. By the time the results pronouncing Hazel as fine came in, it was a few minutes past six in the morning.

“You’re sure you don’t remember anything at all about the guy who attacked you?” Kenny asked as they walked through the hospital’s car-park looking for a cab.

“I told you,” Hazel returned with unconcealed irritation. “I didn’t even know that we were attacked. I woke up and found myself in hospital.”

Kenny sighed. “Poor Marley. She probably-”

“Marley. Marley. Marley!” Hazel rolled her eyes. “I’m so damn tired of hearing that girl’s name. Ever since you walked into the hospital, she’s all you’ve been talking about. What about me? I’m your sister too. We haven’t seen each other for two years, but I can’t even get a proper hello. All I get to hear is Marley this, Marley that, poor Marley. Did you even miss me?”

Immediate guilt filled Kenny’s eyes. “Of course, I missed-”

“Lies. Bald-faced lies.” Hazel cut her off curtly. “I know how you operate. You’re all about Marley. I bet you’re just here to make sure that I go away and you get your precious Marley back.”

Kenny started, “That’s not…”

However, her words soon faded into a sigh because they both knew that Hazel was right. No matter how much Kenny cared about Hazel, her priority would always be Marley. To Kenny, Hazel wasn’t a real person. She was just an illusion created by Marley’s trauma.

In a blatant attempt at changing the subject, Kenny pointed to a cream cab with a green stripe. “Let’s take that one.”

“Sure,” Hazel returned with more than a hint of sarcasm, “why not?”

In silence, the two women walked to the cab then got into the backseat.

“Where are we going?” the driver asked.

Kenny leaned forward to give the driver directions, but Hazel interrupted before she could. “Ben Franklin Bridge.”

“What?” Kenny turned wide eyes to her. “Why do you want to go there?”

Hazel retorted, “I don’t need to explain my reasons to you.”

“Then no!” Kenny returned. Turning back to the driver, she started, “Please take us to-”

“Ben Franklin Bridge,” Hazel cut in again.

Kenny glared at Hazel. “We’re not going to the bridge.”

“Then where are you going?” the driver interrupted their conversation. He was watching them through the rearview mirror with barely concealed irritation.

Kenny tried again, “We’re going to-”

“- the bridge,” Hazel mulishly finished for her. Glaring at Kenny, she threatened, “Unless you want me to get out of this car and go wherever I please.”

“If you leave,” Kenny threatened, “I will call the police on you and get them to admit you into a psych ward.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Hazel scoffed. “If I go to psych, your precious Marley goes too.”

“Try me.”

Hazel had never been one to turn down a challenge. With a snort, she reached for the door handle. “Okay.”

“Fine.” Kenny grabbed her arm to keep her from leaving. “We can go to the bridge if that’s what you want.”

The driver chimed in, “So I guess that means we’re going to the bridge, huh?”

Hazel smirked. “Yup!”

Hazel hated the silent tension that settled in the car as they set off. Oh, she hated it. She wanted to talk to Kenny, find out how she’d been all these years and what she’d been doing. She wanted them to chat happily, like the sisters they were. She wanted to cling to Kenny and get all the hugs she could while she was still here.

But Marley was like a tall, tall wall between them.

Even when she wasn’t around, she hovered over them like an annoying ghost that just wouldn’t let go of Kenny. Whenever that girl’s name came up, Hazel was once again reminded that no matter how good Kennedy was to her, Marley would always be her number one. The bitterness that welled inside her was so powerful that regardless of her wanting to be nicer to Kenny, she always ended up fighting with her over inconsequential things.

“We’re here!” The driver cut into Hazel’s thoughts.

Hazel sat up to look around and noticed that they were a few feet away from the bridge’s pedestrian access point.

“Thank you!” Kenny paid their fare then they got out of the cab.

The moment they stepped out of the heated vehicle, dawn’s cold breeze gave them a rough welcome. It was like being splashed with a bucket of freezing water. Teeth chattering, Hazel tightened her jacket around her body but it still wasn’t enough.

Kenny must’ve noticed because she shrugged out of her leather jacket then set it over Hazel’s shoulder.

In an instant, Hazel’s irritation with her sister deflated like a balloon that had just been pierced by a needle. See, this was why she couldn’t decide whether to hate Kenny or love her.

“I’m not that cold.” Hazel handed Kenny back the jacket. “Besides, that teeny handkerchief you’re wearing isn’t enough to keep you from catching a cold.”

“I’m not that cold either,” Kenny denied even as she quickly put the jacket on.

Silently, the sisters made their way to the walkway.

“Why are we here?” Kenny asked as they began their walk up the bridge. “You’re not thinking of jumping, are you?”

“That’s Marley’s M.O,” Hazel retorted. “I would never ever kill myself. I’d rather kill whoever is pissing me off.”

That last statement must’ve scared Kenny because her eyes widened. For the rest of their walk, she was uncharacteristically quiet.

On their walk, they met several morning runners and bikers. A few nodded, most ignored them. They had to stop several times so that Kenny could rest her legs since her heels were killing her knees. Thankfully, Marley had an awful sense of fashion. Her sneakers were ugly but comfortable. By the time they got to the top of the bridge, Kenny was breathing like she’d just run a marathon.

Surprised that she wasn’t winded too, Hazel asked, “Has Marley been exercising?”

“Yeah!” Kenny nodded. Breathlessly, she added, “Her therapist said that it would help to get her mind right.”

That therapist had to be damn good because it was quite obvious that Marley was doing much, much, better than two years ago. Hazel wasn’t sure how to feel about that. On one hand, Marley doing better was good for Hazel because that meant she wouldn’t try to commit suicide again. However, it was also bad because the better she did, the less chance Hazel had of coming outside.

With a sad sigh, Hazel stopped walking and moved towards the bridge’s railing. Her breath caught at the scenery that stretched before her. The calm waters of the Delaware merged seamlessly with the concrete jungle that was the city to create a sight that was as breathtaking as it was picturesque.

Leaning on the railing, she closed her eyes. The sights up here were great, but it was the sounds that kept her coming back. The cars, birds, water and wind had created a cocktail of sounds that were both strange and musical. Those sounds were starkly different from the eerie silence that met Hazel whenever she was forced back into Marley. Those sounds made her feel alive and human. Those sounds made her feel like she was more than just a figment of Marley’s imagination.

“Is this why you wanted to come here?” Kenny sidled up to Hazel. “To see the city?”

“Mm!” Hazel turned her head to glance at her sister. “It’s been two years. I wanted to see if anything has changed.”

Kenny, who was staring out at the water, murmured, “Nothing’s changed.”

She was right. Nothing had changed. Yet, it still felt strangely new to Hazel, like she was seeing it for the first time. Maybe it was because she was still reeling in the wonder of being back. Maybe it was because part of her knew that she might never see it again, that this might be her last time to enjoy these sights before Marley made her disappear again.

The thought of being forced back into that dark box again made Hazel unexpectedly sad. Swallowing to ease the sudden lump in her throat, she murmured, “Did you even miss me?”

Kenny must not have heard the question because she just kept on staring at the water.

So Hazel repeated, “Did you even miss me?”

Kenny was silent for some time before she quietly returned, “I did.”

Hazel smiled. Even though everyone said that she wasn’t human, she still had feelings. She felt anger and hatred. She felt happiness and sadness. She felt hurt and loneliness. And she wanted to be missed. Even if Kenny was lying, it was okay because it meant that she cared enough about Hazel’s feelings to lie to her. That she thought of her as a person.

With a grin, Hazel turned to her sister. “I’m done now. Let’s go home.”

Thirty minutes later, she discovered that unlike the city, home had changed. They were now living in a better neighborhood and bigger apartment.

“Wow! This is amazing!” Hazel exclaimed as she took in the new place.

The entryway opened out into a large living room that was double the size of their previous living room and came with large Victorian windows that offered plenty of lighting. Their old gray couch was still around but it was now flanked by two new armchairs; one magenta and the other green. Their old beige rug had been replaced by an unfamiliar gray and black Persian rug that looked damn expensive. The white wooden coffee-table was familiar but their TV was much, much larger now.

One side of the living room had an archway that obviously led to the bedrooms. The other side held a small dining area with a white round table and four black bistro chairs that were obviously new too. Sitting directly across from the dining area was the open kitchen.

The only familiar part of the kitchen was the red waffle-maker. Their formerly white appliances had been replaced by steel gray appliances that merged seamlessly with the white quartz countertops and navy blue cabinets.

Hazel asked. “How can you afford all this?”

“I got a raise and Marley got a job,” Kenny explained.

“It must’ve been a hell of a raise. You should’ve used some of it to take Marley clothes-shopping.” Hazel gave herself an up and down look and made a face. “Look at what she’s wearing.”

“That’s Marley’s style.” Kenny immediately became defensive. “And there’s nothing wrong with it.”

“Please!” Hazel rolled her eyes. “You’re only saying that because you like her.”

Kenny ignored the comment and instead headed to the kitchen. “Let me make you something to eat then you can sleep.”

“I just woke up.” Hazel plopped on one of the seats in the dining area. “There’s no way I’m going to sleep.”

Aghast, Kenny turned to face her. “You have to sleep.”

“Why?” Hazel demanded. “So that Marley can come back?”

The guilt that filled Kenny’s expression was answer enough. Again, anger swooped in to crowd out any other feelings Hazel had for her sister.

Hazel bit out. “Well, I’m not sleeping, and you can’t make me.”

Obviously, that was an empty threat. Despite only being an alter, Hazel was still cursed with the needs of ordinary humans. Hunger, thirst and tiredness were as much a part of her as they were of Marley. Sometimes, she even got sick too. Eventually, she’d have to sleep. But for now, she planned to hold out for as long as she possibly could.

Kenny watched Hazel in silence for an uncomfortably long while. She probably had more to say. However, with a weary sigh, she headed to the kitchen.

Despite it being morning, Kenny laid out a full Sunday dinner spread. Tomato soup, parker house rolls, mac and cheese, sautéed spinach, vegetable ratatouille, pork chops and a chicken fricassee. It was a delicious and sumptuous meal. The kind of meal someone might make if they were welcoming someone… or saying goodbye. Hazel wasn’t sure which of those Kenny was doing but she feasted on all of it like it was her birthday.

As soon as Hazel was done eating, she settled in front of the TV. It had been two years; there were lots and lots of new stuff for her to waste her time on.

“Do you want me to show you to Marley’s room?” Kenny asked.

“What for?” Hazel didn’t even look at her. “I told you I’m not going to sleep.”

Kenny gave her another one of those sad looks then headed to the front door. Seconds later, Hazel heard the snap of a lock and the turn of keys.

When Kenny returned to the living room dangling the front door keys, Hazel scoffed. “You know that’s a waste of time, right? I always find a way to leave if I want to.”

Immediate worry filled Kenny’s expression. “You won’t run away, will you?”

Hazel didn’t answer. But in her mind, she already knew that the answer was no. She wouldn’t run away.

When they were younger and Hazel still had illusions of having her own life, she’d tried to run away a couple of times. Sometimes she’d succeeded for a few hours, sometimes a day, and one time, she’d escaped for three whole days. But every single time she ended up right back where she started either because Kennedy found her, she ran out of money or Marley woke up.

Over the years, she’d accepted the reality that running away was a waste of effort and energy. It was easier to just negotiate with Kenny to get what she wanted. So no! No more running away.

But she wasn’t going to tell Kenny that. Let the woman suffer. It was the least she deserved for treating Hazel like a prisoner.

Kenny hovered around the living room for quite some time, as if she was contemplating setting up a mattress in the room or something just so she could watch Hazel. Eventually, she left the room and headed down the hall, presumably to her room.

Hazel caught up on about four hours worth of TV before sleep began to dance behind her eyes. So she got up and tried to jog in place. That didn’t help because when she sat down, she felt more tired. Still, she struggled to keep slumber at bay.

Soon, she found herself lying on the couch. She was just getting more comfortable so she could watch TV better, she consoled herself even as her blinks became more prolonged. She held out for an hour, maybe more, but eventually she stopped trying to keep her eyes open.

As sleep pulled her deeper into its web, she heard a door down the hallway open. Though she didn’t have the energy to sit up and see if it was Kenny, she heard the soft sounds of the other woman’s footsteps. She tried to open her eyes when she felt Kenny’s presence hovering beside her but her eyes refused to obey her command. Something heavy settled over her, and she could tell that Kenny had just covered her with a blanket. Like a mother soothing her baby, Kenny stroked Hazel’s hair.

“Bye, Hazel,” Kenny whispered as her hand fluttered over Hazel’s head.

No! Hazel screamed inside her head. Don’t tell me bye. I’m not going anywhere.

But deep inside, she already knew that she was about to disappear. Her throat closed up and tears gathered at the back of her closed eyes. How long would it be this time? Three years? Five years? A decade? Or forever? A tear slipped from one of her eye to slip down her nose. Why was God so unfair? Why couldn’t he give her a body of her own? Then again, if there really was a God out there, something like her wouldn’t even exist.

Hazel’s determination to resist sleep was soon replaced by weary resignation. This was her fate, and there was nothing she could do about it.

Bye Kenny. Bye world! She let the darkness take over.