There With You by Samantha Young
Regan
“You did what?” Robyn demanded as I tried to get out of her choke hold.
Slapping her arm to let me go, I gasped with relief as she abruptly released. My decision to take her up on an MMA session because my Wednesday morning was suddenly free didn’t seem like such a good idea. I growled in irritation. “You are impossibly strong!”
“You okay?” Now she was concerned.
“Fine.” I waved her off before falling backward onto the mat. Splayed like a sea star, I stared up at the private gym’s ceiling.
Robyn stood over me, her hands on her slender hips, one eyebrow raised. “Repeat what you just told me.”
So I did, which was pretty much the entire conversation with Thane in Arro’s backyard the previous weekend, minus what he’d confided about Fran’s affair. That shocking revelation was going to take longer to process. It also made me empathetic toward Thane when all I wanted to do was hate him after what he’d said to me. I didn’t want to judge a dead woman … but how the hell could she cheat on Thane Adair? Was she nuts?
You hate him, remember!
Yes, I hated him. And hurt for him in equal measure. Ugh, it was so complicated.
But Robyn knew none of that, and she wouldn’t ever find out from me. What I’d told her was my suggestion to Thane that we have no-strings-attached sex.
“Are you crazy?”
I had a feeling it was a rhetorical question.
“It just slipped out!”
“That’s like having sex with someone and saying we didn’t mean it, it just slipped in.”
“Ew, Robbie!” I laughed. “It’s not at all the same thing.”
Robyn huffed and kneeled beside me to pull me to sitting. Her brow knit together. “Seriously. Why would you suggest that to Thane?”
“Why not?” I deflected. “You and Lachlan started off with a sex-but-zero-commitment affair.”
“Yeah, but we didn’t even like each other, let alone have feelings for each other.”
“Not true. I know you can’t just have sex with some random.”
My sister considered this and amended. “There were things I liked about him, but there were more things I didn’t like about Lachlan. But I couldn’t deny that I had never wanted to have sex with a guy more in my life. Would I have fallen into bed with him if I had emotional feelings for him, knowing he only wanted sex? No. That’s asking for trouble. As it was, it was horrible thinking I’d fallen in love with him and he didn’t feel the same way. You suggested having sex and zero commitment with a man you actually care about. Why?”
I winced, dreading the truth, so I posed it as a question. “Because I thought that if we got close enough, he might develop feelings for me?”
She gave me her best “big sister is disappointed in you” look.
Ouch.
“You’re setting yourself up to get hurt. And you’re being dishonest. With yourself and with Thane. That’s not fair to either of you.”
Shamed, I looked away. “It just came out … without me thinking it through. It’s a moot point, anyway. I kind of actually detest his guts right now.” Sort of. Like seventy/thirty in the hate/sympathy ratio.
Robyn grimaced. “That’s not good. What happened?”
I told her what he’d said to me at Arro’s.
A dark cloud fell over my sister’s face. “Shit. It looks like I’m going to be a parent sooner than I’d thought.”
Confused, I blinked rapidly. “Uh, what?”
“Well, someone is going to have to adopt Eilidh and Lewis after I kill their father.”
Even though I knew she was joking, there was a serious, hard glint in her eyes. “Robyn, it’s fine. I’m fine.” I beamed at her. “You know me. Water off a duck’s back.”
“Why do you do that? Why do you lie to me?”
I flinched. “I’m not …” Shaking my head, I shrugged. “Because if I told the truth half the time, I’d cry. People don’t want to know if you’re sad or hurt or angry or depressed, Robbie. Not even so-called friends. They just want you to say that you’re fine so they don’t have to expend emotional energy on you.”
Hurt flickered across her face. “And you think that’s how I am?”
“No.” I hurried to assure her, realizing belatedly how it had come out. “No. I meant I picked up on that a long time ago with other people, sometimes even with Mom, and I’ve just gotten into the habit of being happy-go-lucky no matter how I’m really feeling because I know most people don’t want to hear the truth.”
“You don’t have to do that with me.”
I stared at my sister, blinking back tears. “I know that. I do.”
“So hit me with the truth.”
I sucked in a breath and shakily exhaled it. “He hurt me. He made me feel … like I had imagined it. He used the word harass. I spent the night crying in my bed like a sixteen-year-old because I was so scared I was doing to him what Austin did to me.”
“That is completely different.” I could hear the sharp edge of genuine anger in Robyn’s voice.
“I know that now. I’ve had four days of giving the bastard the cold shoulder to come to that conclusion myself. He said what he said so he didn’t have to deal with me anymore, and he didn’t care if he hurt me to do it.”
“I doubt he didn’t care,” Robyn said, surprising me.
“Really?”
“I’m angry at him for speaking that way to you, but I can’t imagine he’s happy with himself about it.”
“Where’s his apology, then? He’s not giving me the silent treatment anymore, but he didn’t apologize for what he said.” I shook my head, looking toward the water beyond the cliff. “I should quit, but every time I think about it, I cannot imagine leaving Eilidh and Lewis.”
“Or Thane.”
“No, he can go fuck himself, preferably with a glove made of splinters.”
Robyn threw her head back in laughter, and I couldn’t help but laugh too. Then she reached for my hand, squeezing it. “Do you know how brave you are?”
Instantly, my smile fell and I tried to pull away. She wouldn’t let me. “Don’t.”
“No, I will.” Robyn leaned toward me. “Do you think for one second that I would have told Lachlan I wanted him if he hadn’t made the first move?”
“Of course, you would. You’re the most courageous person I’ve ever known.”
She looked modestly uncomfortable with the praise and shrugged. “Maybe I’m okay with situations like kidnappings and break-ins and shootouts … but when it comes to my heart? Regan, it took me ten years to get up the courage to find Mac. And I never told a guy I loved them after Josh Horner broke my heart. I didn’t even try to let a guy in until Lachlan. And he wasn’t very nice to me at first, so I would most definitely have not made myself vulnerable to him. If he hadn’t mauled me”—she raised her eyebrow with a smirk—“in Gordon’s trailer that first time, and then again in his office and again—”
“Got it. Lachlan is a horndog. Moving on.”
She grinned cheekily. “My point is, he made the first move. But you … you put yourself out there with Thane, even after he’d treated you not very nicely and with full knowledge and awareness that the idea of you two together is a little controversial. You still did it. You still followed your feelings—”
“And my libido.”
“My little sister doesn’t have a libido, and putting yourself out there with him is really brave. I’m proud of you.”
Her words were like water on a thirsty seedling. “Thank you.”
“Now that we’ve established you’re brave … my sister is nobody’s punching bag—”
“I said those same words to him!” I exclaimed.
“Good. Now live by them. If you’re mad at him, be mad and stay mad at him until he mans up and apologizes for being a dick. But once he apologizes, you move on. Thane goes back to just being your boss, and you take care of those kids. Don’t let him put you off the ancestry visa.”
“I told you I’m thinking about it, and I won’t let him put me off. That’s not a decision I’m going to make based on a guy.”
“No. Just make it based on your sister who wants you here to help plan her wedding and see her get married and be there the day she finds out she’s pregnant and the day you become an aunt and—”
“I get it.” My eyes filled with a different emotion. “I don’t want to miss those things either. I’m just … what kind of life could I have here? It’s not the remoteness that bothers me, or the small town. It’s just … I still want to meet someone, eventually. Someone who wants me in return.” I looked down at my sneakers. “If he’s out there.”
“He’s out there, Regan. You just need to stop renting space in your head to Thane Adair. You’ll see things clearer once you do, and I promise, I was kidding before. No more pressure from me. Stay or don’t stay, I just want you to be happy.”
* * *
With my sister’s advice fresh in my mind, I braced myself for Thane’s return from work that night. Determined not to stop with my icy response to him until he apologized, I kind of got myself worked up about it. Even more so when I picked up the kids from school. As I started the engine, Lewis announced, “Eilidh and I know what we want to do for Dad’s birthday.”
“Oh, yeah?” I asked, staring at them in the rearview mirror. “What’s that?”
“Dad talks to us about the bird show at the castle that looks like something out of Disney. Dad said he would take us next summer, but we thought we could go at the weekend.”
Castle like something out of Disney? I didn’t know what castle he was talking about. “I’ll mention it to your dad.”
“You have to come!” Eilidh said, kicking her legs with the words.
Inwardly, I grimaced. There was no way in hell I was spending a day out with Thane. Trying not to wince at the lie, I replied, “I can’t, honey. I have plans this weekend.”
“What plans?” She crossed her arms over her chest and jutted her chin sternly at me.
“Noneuhyurbusiness plans,” I singsonged.
She giggled but a quick glance at Lewis revealed he wasn’t laughing. He stared out the passenger window, his brow furrowed in thought.
He was quiet for the rest of the drive and while I settled them at the dining table with their homework and a snack. After I started dinner, I sat down with them to see if they needed help with anything. Not that they ever needed much help. Thane’s children were smart as whips and quick too.
While the Scottish system had adopted a play-based strategy for primary one and two classes, Eilidh still got some reading, spelling, and math work sent home a couple times a week. Not a lot. We usually blew through it in twenty minutes. Lewis, now out of the play-based learning years, had transitioned with no issues. As Eilidh kept herself busy drawing on a tablet, I watched over Lewis as he did his multiplication homework.
“Very good,” I murmured as I watched him do it with ease. He seemed to whiz through his math work while he took a little more time over spelling and language questions. To be fair, spelling and language posed a slight learning curve for me, too, considering the differences between British and American English.
“What are you doing this weekend?” Lewis surprised me by asking.
He looked up from his booklet to stare at me like a little interrogator.
I swallowed hard, not wanting to lie to his face. “The truth is, I’m not going to crash your weekend with your dad. This weekend is all about his upcoming birthday and spending time with the two people he loves most. It’s not fair to your dad to keep involving me in family days.”
Lewis frowned. “But … don’t you like Dad?”
Shocked by the question, I nodded. “Of course, I like your dad. That’s why I’m not crashing his birthday plans with you two. Now finish up. I’m going to check on dinner.” I left the table before he could ask more questions I didn’t know how to answer.
At around six o’clock, just as I was setting the table for dinner, Thane returned home. Over the past few months, I’d taken to eating with the family. We’d all fallen naturally into the habit. With Robyn’s words in mind, however, I left my plate aside for now. If Thane apologized, I’d put my plate out and eat with them. But if he didn’t, then maybe it was time to draw some lines in the sand. The kids would find it weird at first, but they’d get used to my not being there.
As always, Eilidh ran to greet Thane at the front door, and I tried not to let his tender hello to his daughter melt my resolve. He wandered into the living area with her in his arms as usual and smiled over at Lewis first. “Hey, buddy. How was school?”
“Fine.” Lewis shrugged and turned back to the television.
Thane frowned and then looked at me in question. I shrugged.
“Eilidh, go sit with your brother for a minute.” Thane lowered her to the floor, and she skipped across the room to throw herself on the couch at Lewis.
“Eils!” Lewis giggled, pushing her off, and I relaxed at the sound.
“Can I have a word?”
I glanced over at Thane. “Now?”
He gestured down the hall. “Now.”
“Dinner’s ready.”
“I’ll be quick.”
Pulse picking up at his request, I followed him down the hall and into his office. When he closed the door behind him, I got worried. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes and no.” Thane stared directly into my eyes. “I owe you an apology for the way I spoke to you at the weekend. I took too long to say sorry, and I’m sorry for that too.”
Relief flooded me, but I nodded in agreement.
He nodded back, his expression stern. “It was unbearably rude of me, and it won’t happen again.”
“Apology accepted.”
Thane exhaled slowly, relieved. “Good. The second thing is, I wondered if I could pay you overtime to watch Eilidh and Lewis this Friday night?”
I answered without thinking. “Of course.” Then I thought of that McClintock guy who had approached him about Eilidh. “Is something wrong, something going on?”
“No, no.” Thane dropped his gaze as he rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “I … I have a date.”
Honestly, I didn’t think I could have flinched harder if a cannon had exploded behind me.
He wanted me to work overtime so he could go on a date?
And I’d agreed.
I was so infuriated and hurt and disappointed, I couldn’t even look at him or speak. Instead, I walked out of his office and back into the kitchen. Attempting not to tremble with rage as I plated up the homemade macaroni, I also pretended I couldn’t sense Thane watching me.
“Dinner is ready, kids,” I announced as I walked into the kitchen to get my purse and car keys.
“Where’s your plate?” Lewis asked.
I grabbed my stuff and looked over at the three of them as they settled at the table. “I have plans tonight.” Forcing myself to enter Thane’s space, I walked past him to kiss Lewis and Eilidh on the head. “Enjoy dinner, cuties. I’ll see you in the morning.”
I didn’t acknowledge their father and walked out the front door, not knowing where to go. I could drive to Eredine’s and confess it all to her. Or Arro and not confess anything. Or I could do what I really wanted and just be with Robyn.
Decision made, I strolled next door and hoped Lachlan wouldn’t mind me crashing their evening. It turned out Lachlan wasn’t home from the estate yet.
Perfect.
Over a glass of wine and a salad I wished was my homemade macaroni, I told my sister about the apology followed by the date bomb.
She gaped at me for a second and then shook her head in despair. “These Adair men … emotionally constipated, I tell you.”
“So what are we? The laxative?”
Robyn gave a bark of laughter, and I grinned despite my inner turmoil.
“I don’t want to be anyone’s laxative, Robbie. It’s not cute.”
My sister laughed so hard, she snorted.
When she finally calmed, wiping tears from her eyes, she said, “I’ve missed you.”
I smiled tenderly at her. “I’ve missed you too.”
Reaching over to squeeze my hand, she asked, “So, what are you going to do?”
“What would you do?”
“Well …” Her amusement faded. “Before we knew it was Lucy behind Lachlan’s stalker, we thought the stalker put her in the commercial fridge.”
“I remember.” Jesus, what a psychopath. Robyn would never use that word, but I was all too happy to. The bitch tried to kill my sister.
“Lachlan started spending all his time with her, and I was hurt and jealous, even though I tried to tell myself they were just friends. But knowing they had history … well, to me it looked like he had realized how he really felt about her.”
“That must have sucked.”
“No, what sucked was walking into his bedroom to find Lucy in silk lingerie lying on his bed while the two of them watched movies, like that was perfectly acceptable.” I could hear the residual anger in my sister’s voice, and I didn’t blame her.
My jaw dropped. “What?”
“I told you, emotionally constipated. I left, he followed me, and we got into it. Turns out he”—she flicked me an unreadable look—“thought it was me who’d been taken, that it was me he’d find in the fridge. When it wasn’t, when it was Lucy, he felt—”
“Relieved,” I guessed. I saw the way the guy looked at my sister. She was his world. He must have been terrified that night.
“Yeah.” Robyn raised her eyebrows. “Yeah, he was relieved. And he felt—”
“Guilty,” I guessed again.
She quelled a grin for a mock stern look. “Am I telling the story, or are you?”
Chuckling, I waved her on. “Continue.”
“Anyway, my point is, he hurt me by choosing her when I needed him, and even though he did it out of guilt, I didn’t know that. And I didn’t cover up my feelings to spare his or hers or anyone’s during a difficult time. I just let it all hang out. I told you I never would have made the first move with Lachlan, and that was the truth. But once I was in it with him, I couldn’t lie about how I felt. And I believe it was my honest reactions throughout our whole affair that allowed things to progress naturally and for Lachlan to slowly but eventually work out his own feelings about me.”
“So you’re saying I should react honestly?”
“Yes.”
“What if my honest reaction is to be so mad, I can’t even look at or talk to him?”
“Then do it.”
“It’s not very mature.”
“Neither is punching someone, but I was this close”—she squeezed her forefinger and thumb together—“to punching Lachlan in the junk that night.”
I chuckled. “I don’t blame you.” I wanted to say it was also a big red flag about Lucy. Hanging out on Lachlan’s bed in her lingerie when she knew Robyn was sleeping with him? Yeah, no true friend did that to another friend. I, of course, didn’t say that to my sister because that would be incredibly insensitive considering how badly she’d been blindsided by Lucy.
We sat in silence for a moment, eating dinner, sipping wine, and then I said softly, “This date with whoever this woman is … You can’t say now he isn’t deliberately trying to hurt me, Robbie. Maybe it’s time to walk away. I don’t want to work for someone I don’t like.”
“Is that honestly what you want to do?”
Despite my sympathy for what he’d been through, at the moment, dislike for Thane clouded everything. “Maybe. It’s like what you said about how you felt about Lachlan at first. Just because you were physically attracted to him didn’t mean you liked him.”
“You used to like Thane. More than, I think.”
Hurt was an angry burn in my chest. “That’s when I used to think he was one of the good ones.”
Robyn sighed. “Is he going about everything the wrong way? Absolutely. But I don’t think he’s deliberately trying to hurt you. He is one of the good ones.”
I scowled at her.
She gave me a sympathetic look, and I knew I was about to get a brutal dish of honesty from her. “I don’t think he has a spiteful bone in him. He probably just thinks this is the best way to move forward. I mean, was he a dick about the date? Not really. Did he apologize for last weekend? Yes. Maybe this is just his way of clarifying that he wants you both to move forward in a professional capacity and that nothing romantic is going to happen between you. If he’s in denial about that, there’s not a lot you can do. I told you to act naturally. And do that. Who knows how things will turn out? So consider where Thane really might be coming from on this before you decide how you’re feeling.”
I slumped, knowing I needed to listen to her.
Needed to move on.
But I didn’t care if Thane’s behavior seemed rational to everyone else. I’d considered it. I got it. But I also knew what was between us. He knew! And I was hurt. And mad as hell.
“You’re right.” I nodded. “And I promise once I have a handle on them, I won’t hide my emotions.”