All the Cuts and Scars We Hide by Garry Michael

Ten: Kai

Wanna Go With Me?

I drowned my own guilt and the profound sadness that I felt after ignoring calls and texts from Ma every morning with the excitement of meeting Wyatt once again.  I was giddy all day yesterday after learning that he was gay, but my heart broke for him after his declaration about his father. His father kicked him out of the house after coming out to him, the time when Wyatt needed the support of his family the most. It was another reminder of how fortunate I was to have loving parents. The support and unconditional love they’d given me when I came out were more than most people like me receive.

***

My legs were bouncing up and down, tapping on the wooden floor and scaring Cotton, our white West Highland Terrier. We named her Cotton because the color and fluff of her silky coat reminded us of clouds. With my clammy hands, I scrolled through my contacts to find Mikaela’s number, then pressed call.  “I don’t know if I can do this,” I said before she even had a chance to say hello, but she knew what I was talking about because I’d gone over the plan with her the night before.

“Why do you think dat is?” She answered, with a thick Pidgin accent from being born and raised in Hawai’i.

Worst-case scenarios ran through my head, the worst one being kicked out of the house or disowned. Where would I go? How was I going to survive? I was just sixteen years old. “What if they don’t accept me? What if they kick me out?” I asked her, my phone shaking against my cheek.

“Kai, they love you and they’re some of the most amazing people I know. They took me in and made me a part of your ohana when mom died, so I didn’t have to go to foster care. Da Ma and Pa I know wouldn’t do any of dat,” she assured me. “Wanna wait ‘till I get home from picking Lei up?” she asked.

As much as I wanted her support, I needed to do this alone. “No, I’ll be fine. Listen, Ma and Pa just got home, I have to go,” I answered. The familiar sound of their car pulling into one of the carport spaces attached to our home made my heart pound even harder. Before I talked myself out of it, I got up, trained my eyes on the door, and watched it open as if life moved in slow motion.

“Is everything okay, Kai?” Ma asked several minutes after I asked them to join me in the living room. She darted a worried glance at Pa. All three of us were sitting on the couch with me between them.

“Are you hurt?” Pa turned to ask, putting his hand on my back and rubbing it for comfort.

Moment of truth. I couldn’t hide it anymore, not from the ones I loved.

“Ma, Pa, I’m gay,” I said without hesitation. I felt pride and relief from finally being able to say that out loud, but also scared beyond belief that my parents wouldn’t accept my truth. I knew Mikaela was right about my parents, but I hated that there was a small part of me that doubted them. Fearing what I would see in their eyes, I leaned over and cradled my face in my hands. The tears had started to stream through my fingers, and run down my wrists and elbows.

Ma reached out, turning my head so she could see my face, hers was stained with mascara etching rivers along her cheekbones. “Don’t cry, son. It’s okay. We love you and nothing will ever change that. Always remember that,” she assured me after kissing my forehead.

Pa scooted over and wrapped his arm around my back squeezing my shoulder. “We’re so proud of you kid,” he whispered.

“Are you guys okay with me being gay?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Ma asked. “You’re smart and kind. What more could any parent ask for?” she continued.

“Mahalo, Ma. Thanks, Pa” I said as I smiled at them, wiping my tears.

They wrapped me in their arms, and I’d never felt more loved.

The door opened and Leilani, my ten-year-old sister, came in followed by Mikaela who sported a big grin on her face. Lei was fresh from her ballet practice and was wearing a blush-colored bodice and tights with a dark pink tutu. My sister had shown potential since she was six years old and our neighbor, who owned a ballet school in town, had been helping her train to enhance her natural talent. “Why are you crying?” Lei asked Ma, before looking at me.

“Kai just shared something very special with me and your pa,” she said, answering Lei’s question.

“I just told them I’m gay,” I continued, unsure how a ten-year-old’s mind would process the news.

“Cool,” she shrugged and waltzed toward us to give Ma, me, and Pa kisses.

“I’m so proud of you, Kai,” Mikaela locked the door behind her before walking toward me. I got up to meet her halfway and gave her a hug. She’d been the first person I told about it, and the support and encouragement she’d given me fueled the fire in me to finally come out to my ma and pa. “Told ya,” she teased.

***

I stared at the ocean feeling torn up inside because I missed my family and still regretted leaving the way I did when all they’d done was support me.

“Kai?”

I jumped when Wyatt said my name, turning my face away from him to subtly wipe my tears away, but I knew it had been too late. There was no way he didn’t see them fall. I had been so deep in my memories, I didn’t even notice he was there.

“Are you okay?” he asked with concern in his voice, and his stare was begging for an answer.

“Yes, I was just remembering something, but I’m fine,” I mumbled and made space so he could sit down on the same park bench we were on yesterday. We had exchanged numbers and made plans to meet this morning. “Have a seat, I got your coffee,” I said, handing him a black coffee just like he drank yesterday.

Wyatt sat down after grabbing the cup of coffee, his gaze still on me. Those stormy grey eyes still searched for an answer, but I wasn’t about to burden him with my sob story. His face grimaced after taking the first sip and I wondered if I’d order the wrong drink. I couldn’t have. I was positive that was what he chose yesterday.

“Is that the wrong drink?” I asked.

“No, it’s fine. I like it,” he insisted. He leaned back and draped his muscular arm on the back of the wooden beach, occupying the entire length. I couldn’t help but notice how big he was. “Sure you okay?” he asked. His clean scent was putting a spell on me once again.

“Yes, I am.”

Wyatt just nodded and took another sip of his coffee.

Thankful that he stopped pressing me, I asked the question I forgot to ask when we were texting last night. “Do you work at night?”

“No, why do you think that?” The worry in his eyes was replaced with confusion.

“Well, you said in your text that this time was perfect because you’d be done with work,” I explained.

“I work in the morning. I sail boats. Me, my best friend Avery, and his wife Elizabeth own The San Juan Winds.” He paused for a second and looked out at a passing boat before continuing, “The dock where you saw me on the Fourth of July is where our office is located. I was in the middle of a monthly audit when you witnessed what happened.”

That was the most information he’d shared with me since we met that night and not wanting to break the momentum, I let him continue.

“We own four boats. Two are catamarans for whale watching, and two are charter fishing boats for deep-sea fishing. Avery and I take turns sailing and we have few guys who help us on board. Elizabeth takes care of the catering and the bookings, but she hates paperwork so it’s up to Avery and me to do the books.”

“Wow, that’s a lot of work… to do all that.”

“It’s not bad, all three of us work well together. What about you?”

“I’m an architect. I just graduated last year and I’m currently doing freelance work.”

“Is that what brought you here?”

“Uh, yeah, you can say that.” I cleared my throat and quickly changed the subject. “So, do you sail every day?”

“No, I try to take at least a couple of days off a week. Technically I’m off tomorrow, but offered to go to Westport to check out a boat that Avery saw online.”

“I’ve heard about Westport. They’re supposed to have one of the best spots for surfing in Washington.” I couldn’t help but smile thinking about waves and surfing. “The magazine I’d read said that surfs can get as high as eleven feet. Do you know how perfect that is?” I asked, my enthusiasm uncontained.

“I take it you surf?”

“I’m decent.”

Wyatt was quiet for a while, mulling something over. “Wanna go with me?”