All the Cuts and Scars We Hide by Garry Michael
Six: Kai
I’ve Never Seen a Sunrise
This was the first holiday that I didn’t celebrate with my ohana and a small part of me longed for a chance to be with them. There weren’t any passing days when I didn’t think about them and when I did, the now-familiar stabbing pains in my chest always followed. I kept reminding myself that this was the price to pay for the fresh start I so craved.
***
The view of my ohana’s house became smaller as I glanced at it from the passenger’s side mirror of my cousin Mikaela’s car. I wanted to see it before I left Oahu for good, to create a mental image in my head of those days that filled this home with happy memories. With a heavy heart, I opened the window to let fresh air in and blow away the remnants of tears that had been flowing down my cheeks since we’d gotten in the car.
The road was quiet this early in the morning. Palm trees swayed against the purple sky with faint twinkling stars that started to give way to the dawn.
“You sure ‘bout this, ya?” she asked, dividing her attention between the road and me. “No one blames you for what happened. You know that, right?”
I took a deep intake of air and focused my sight on the Waimea Bay beach where I spent most of my days surfing and playing under the sun. The waves crashed against the shore as if calling my name one last time. I’ve never been away from home longer than the span of four weeks, and those four weeks I spent during my internship in Seattle were the loneliest times of my life.
“Kai! Are you listening?” she called out.
“Can you pull over?”
“What?” she asked, taken aback by my request.
“Can you pull over, please?” I pleaded.
Mikaela slowed down searching for a safe place to park.
I yanked the door open before she was even able to stop and I ran toward the beach. I kicked my shoes off, leaving them behind me. Hopping on one foot, I yanked off my socks so I could feel the soft grit of the warm sand caressing my soles one last time. My desperation kept me running toward the turquoise ocean waves even though my lungs ached with a sharp pain in my chest.
Mikaela had followed me, picking up my socks and shoes. She stayed on the beach watching me while I stood knee-deep in the waves. “I know they don’t blame me,” I yelled over the surf.
“Then, why are you doin’ this?”
“Have you ever had someone look at you and feel that they wanted to say something, but they just don’t know how? Or if they even should?” I turned and looked back at Mikaela when she didn’t answer. “That’s what I feel when I look at Ma and Pa. The guilt that I feel knowing that I’m the one who put the stress on our ohana is more than I could bear.”
She wiped away her own tears as she let me continue.
“And that is why I need to leave, so I don’t have to remind them of that.” A strong wave pushed my weakened knees, causing me to fall and soaking my shorts.
***
I wanted to enjoy the festivities without being around a ton of people. After searching for a semi-quiet place, I found a dock that belonged to The San Juan Winds. It was a mile from Main Street where the firework display was happening. I’d seen this charter pass by every morning with loads of tourists hoping to get a glimpse of humpback and killer whales, or what locals called Orcas. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there, but it was open and everyone on this island was gathered by the waterfront for the Fourth of July show. Earlier, I saw big red, white, and blue fliers that advertised that it was going to be the year's biggest and loudest event.
So far, it was definitely proving to be the biggest and loudest.
The sky was filled with bursting red, yellow, and orange fire, accompanied by Katy Perry’s song Fireworks. The light from the fireworks illuminated the calm water, making each burst magical. The boom and bangs of every colorful torpedo launched into the air were met with a roar from the crowd, and I couldn’t help being happy for them, momentarily forgetting my loneliness.
“Jim,” someone yelled from the small office building adjacent to the dock.
A silhouette of a man came out of the building, still yelling. He was frantically searching the area, looking for someone namedJim.
Another loud bang made him look up, causing him to lose balance and he fell on his back. Hard.
I sat and watched, waiting for him to get up. When he didn’t, I got up to check that he was alright. “Are you okay?” I yelled hoping he’d hear me over the explosions that reverberated everywhere. I moved closer, not taking my eyes off of him. His whole body was trembling, and it couldn’t possibly because he was cold. It had been one of the hottest nights since I’d arrived, and that was saying something coming from Hawai’i.
“I’m so sorry,” the man kept repeating. Tears were reflecting the bursts of light from the firework while he sobbed, his chest shuddered.
The closer I got to him, the more familiar he looked, and realization dawned on me when I was standing above him. This man was the reason why I went to the café every morning, hoping to get a glimpse of his handsome face.
My heart broke for him. He was in distress and I had no clue what to do. I couldn’t leave him, I knew that much. “Are you okay?” I asked once again.
He slowly opened his eyes and they stared at me with confusion. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead, plastering his brown hair to his temples in dark soaked locks. He was breathing through his mouth. He looked toward where I came from, immediately bringing his eyes back to mine. His hands were balled into fists, but he didn’t look violent or aggressive. He looked scared.
I kneeled and his eyes became a fierce, stormy grey watching my every move.
He sat up and abruptly scooted away from me.
I raised my hands and spoke softly. “I just want to make sure you’re okay. You hit your head pretty hard there.” I showed him the fronts and backs of my hands, proving my intentions were safe.
I switched from my kneeling position and crossed my legs to sit. His grey t-shirt was soaked with sweat and I couldn’t help but notice the chain hanging from his neck with two tags on it. He must have seen me trying to read the writing on them because he quickly tucked them inside his shirt.
I looked up as the sky exploded with color for the big finale. It was incredible. Blue, red and white sparks bursting against the black canvas. Next to me, the man wailed, and when I looked back down, he was cowering, hands covering his ears and head tucked between his legs.
“This is not real, this is not real, this is not real,” he whispered. It was clear the noise was triggering for him. With his current state and the ID tags around his neck, I had a decent guess as to what that trauma was.
“Hey, you're fine. It’s just the fireworks. See, look up, they're just fireworks.”
He was rocking himself. “They’re not here. It’s not real.”
“You’re right, they’re not here. It’s just you and me, no one else,” I assured him.
His rocking slowed and he lifted his eyes to mine. His eyelashes were soaked and his eyebrows dripped with sweat. He was weary, looking around us, staring at the now pitch-black water and back to the building he’d exited earlier.
“No one will hurt you,” I said with conviction.
He looked me straight in the eyes, undeniable fear in them.
I decided that I wouldn’t leave until he did. “Is there someone I can call for you?”
He averted his eyes from me and stared at the planks of the dock.
“Is it okay if I stay?”
He didn’t say anything.
Deciding that his silence was consent, I hunkered down to stay for as long as he needed me.
Minutes became hours and not a single word was uttered between him and me. The inky night sky gave way to the grey lavender dawn. One glance at the stranger next to me confirmed that the dark clouds which had taunted him during the fireworks show were still there. He was staring at the horizon lost in thought. Watching him from my angle while the sun rose gave me a better vantage point to study his face. With the golden highlights, he was breathtakingly handsome in a rugged kind of way. His left eyebrow had a small cut that made him even sexier. His arms, which were resting on top of his knees pulled toward his body, were muscular even when relaxed. The tight shirt he was wearing did nothing to hide his impressive sculpted shoulders from bursting out of their confinement. My eyes landed on his stomach and wondered exactly how many packs were in there.
He glanced over and caught me studying him. My face burned from embarrassment, but if he was mad about my perusal, he didn’t show it. In fact, he laid back on the dock propping himself up with both of his elbows. “I’ve never…” His voice cracked, a little gravely from not speaking for hours. He cleared his throat and continued, “I’ve never seen a sunrise before.”
I could listen to him speak all day. His baritone voice was thick and the fear in his voice from last night was gone. With my eyes still trained on him, I replied, “Didn’t you get up early in the military?”
His brows furrowed and confusion etched his features. “How did you know I was in the military?”
I hesitated for a moment before reaching over to pull the chain from under his t-shirt. He followed my every move. My fingers brushed over his warm skin near his collarbone and I didn’t miss the slight shiver and gasp he released when we connected. Feeling bolder than I’d ever been, I held the tag between my index finger and my thumb, showing it to him. “This was hanging out last night and I just assumed that you were,” I explained. He didn’t say anything for a while and self-conscious by my quick assumption, I laid back on the wooden dock and stared up at the yellow and blue sky.
He rolled to his right side to face me and propped his head up with his right arm. “Morning is just something that tells time, you know. I’ve never really watched a sunrise.” He looked down at me, his eyes meeting mine.
I watched his lips move as he spoke, and I could’ve sworn he was staring at mine too.
“Wyatt Miller, I was with the Marines,” he reached with a free hand to shake mine.
I looked at his hand for a split second and noticed scars. “Nice to meet you, Wyatt. My name is Kai Lobo.” I shook his hand and was taken aback by the strong grip and the way his touch sent tremors to my spine. I gave him my best smile which was met with a smirk that almost looked like a smile. “Was?”
“Yeah, that was a few years ago,” he quipped, evading my question. “Kai,” he said my name as if it was a question once he took his hand back.
The sound of my name on his lips made me say prayers to all the deities out there. Please, please be gay.
“That’s a cool name,” he continued. I was a little disappointed when he laid on his back and stared at the sky that was bluer than earlier.
“It means water in Hawaiian,” I explained as I memorized everything about him. He had the most striking grey eyes that unfortunately matched the stormy clouds that had been hanging over him since we’d met. “My mom and dad gave me that name because I was born in February. You know Aquarius and all.” I was unable to stop the sigh with the mention of my parents.
Wyatt glanced at me from the corner of his eye, but he didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what it was about him that made me want to tell him everything. I was a chatterbox, no doubt about that, but not when it came to my personal life, a subject that I could dodge with ease. Maybe because I knew deep inside that I would have to initiate all the talking with him.
“That’s very cool. Are you from Hawai’i?”
“Born and raised.”
We stayed in silence for a while until the morning sun made its appearance. Wyatt got up and stretched his neck left and right then reached over to help me get up. The same shiver of excitement came back once our hands touched. His strong grip was something that I could get used to.
“Thank you for last night,” he whispered.
“You’re welcome. I’m glad I was there,” I said while trying to figure out what to do next. We were standing face to face, a couple of feet away from each other. He hadn’t made the move to escape and I didn’t want this moment to end. “Do you want to get a cup of coffee?” I asked, praying once again that he’d say yes.
I must have shocked him with my boldness because he raised an eyebrow and asked, “What?”
“Wanna grab a cup of coffee?” I repeated. “I found this great place a few days ago and they make the best coffee and muffins I’ve ever had. Maybe you’ve seen me there?” I joked, trying to sound as casual as possible. Gosh, what was I thinking asking a stranger, a man nonetheless, for a coffee after his breakdown? I felt like a fool.
“No, I don’t think so,” he answered.
I didn’t blame him. “Of course. Anyway, take care of yourself, Wyatt,” I said and hurried away before I made a bigger fool out of myself. Wyatt hollered something, but I couldn’t hear it with the thumping in my ears. Once I crossed the length of the dock, I looked back and saw Wyatt planted where I left him, watching me.
“I’m such an idiot!” I cursed myself as I entered my apartment after my all-nighter with the Marine. I finally had the courage to ask someone out and that someone turned out to be Wyatt. Probably a straight man who was all confused by my questions. My face was still warm from embarrassment.
I made my way to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I can’t remember the last time I stayed up all night without the mention of a party or college exams. Still feeling awake, I’d decided to just stay up all day and sleep later. I made my way to the living room and sat down on the sofa to think about him. He was such a mystery. A beautiful, irresistible mystery I would now have to avoid forever thanks to my humiliating rejection. I just wished I had recorded his voice, so I could play the sound of my name coming out of his mouth over and over. “Kai, that’s a cool name.” Damn. I was in deep and I hadn’t even dived in.