Honey, Honey by Rebel Carter

Chapter Twelve

HONEY

After Law left my apartment I sat in my empty dining room for a long time. I kept replaying the last moments we had and then cringing at them before I replayed them one more time just to make it sting extra. Finally, when the cold had set in and I couldn’t feel the ghost of his hands on my skin anymore I slipped from the table and onto my feet, scooping up my underwear and sweats before I headed to my bedroom. Cleaning myself up and getting into bed had been...difficult, but I’d done it. Part of me had wanted to keep waiting where Law had left me. Any second I was convinced he would come back, knock on the door and stay with me. He’d sweep me up in his arms and carry me into my bedroom. But that hadn’t happened and now I just felt stupid for wishing it would.

I showered, changed again and got into bed. I laid in bed for a very long time, eyes on the window, trying not to think about much I wanted him to come back. When I finally fell asleep it was in the early hours of the morning. I’d seen the first glimmers of the sun peeking over the buildings when I’d finally dozed off. The storm was over when the pinging of my app woke me up. Bleary eyed I swatted at it when another ping sounded.

“Shut up,” I whispered, even as I was turning my phone over to look at the screen.

BaristApp has 12 new notifications.

“Shit.” The shops in the city must be desperate if they were all posting shifts at sunrise. With this many notifications I’d have my pick of any shift and location. And it was a Friday and people always tipped more on Friday. I bit my lip, hovering over the screen, not swiping open on the app. As nice as it was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to take any jobs today. For one, my head was pounding. The previous night’s drinks had made themselves known by way of a slight hangover, and two I felt like shit because the man I wanted had left me alone when I desperately wanted more.

He didn’t even have my phone number so I couldn’t even pin my hopes on the long shot that he would text me later. When Law walked out of my apartment that had been it. The man was gone, in the wind. The only thing I knew about him was that he was the CEO of Law Acquisitions, liked Korean Barbeque and got coffee at a shop that I sometimes worked at. It wasn’t a lot to go on, but maybe I would see him if I took a shop in Hudson Yard? I tapped the screen, opening the notifications and scanned the shift postings hopefully. But no dice. There were no postings in Hudson Yard. There was however, a posting in Tribeca which would be perfect for what I had planned that night.

A night at the Cairn.

If I took the job in Tribeca I could walk the short distance to the club and take my time. It would be easy breezy before a night of possible play. I was sure even if I didn’t find anyone to my liking that me showing up earlier would give me a pretty great shot at getting a room for myself so I didn’t have to take the train back to Queens. I never liked taking the train back home at night after spending time in the Cairn. There was something about it that didn’t feel good. When I spent time at the club I let my defenses down, I embraced a softer more vulnerable side of me when I indulged my little side. Public transport at night in the city wasn’t the best place for a little trying to get home.

I shivered beneath my covers, remembering the time that I had tried to do it and had been left scared and running from a group of catcalling men that had followed me the length of my platform before the train had arrived. I’d tripped and bloodied both of my knees before getting on the train. It had taken everything in me not to burst into tears on my way home, but I’d managed it.

Now I didn’t take the train home. I stayed at the club even when I wasn’t sure I would meet anyone, which was fine. I could decompress and relax after what was usually a grueling work week. I didn’t take many days off, just my regular one day a week, but when I went to the club I took two. The extra day added a bit of luxury to my time off. I always came back well rested and happy even if I didn’t find a partner I fit well enough with to play. The time to be myself as I wanted to be at the club was enough all on its own.

I pushed myself up and hit accept on the Tribeca posting. It was a short shift and didn’t start until noon. I had plenty of time to try and get myself together before I needed to be there. Plenty of time to try and shake off my hangover and the funk that had settled over me when Law walked out of my apartment, and my life.

“Why didn’t he stay?” I whispered, wrapping my arms around myself. It had been good. He had enjoyed himself, or so I thought.

“I don’t want you to stay away from me either. That’s why this is all fucked, Honey. We can’t do this ever again.”

He’d said that. I knew he had enjoyed it, I knew that he had wanted me as badly as I wanted him. But if all of that was true when why had he said we couldn’t do it again? Why had he left me the way he had?

“You were lovely, Honey.”

I felt tears well up in my eyes. Lovely. Law had called me lovely. He’d given me his laugh. He’d carried me home in the rain, and he’d noticed my hallway lights were too dark.

The man was paying attention to me. There was no way he’d wanted it to be a one time thing, but even so…

“He still left. Respect it,” I told myself, swinging my legs and standing from my bed. It didn’t matter if my paths crossed with Law ever again. I would give him his space. I would pretend that last night hadn’t happened. Even if it sucked. Okay, it was mostly definitely going to suck. I knew that every cell in my traitorous body was going to want to go to him the second he came into my field of vision but I wouldn't do it. I’d maintain my distance and give him a bland smile, the kind that you gave to people you recognized in passing but weren’t really sure if you knew them or not.

I went to the sink and brushed my teeth, glaring at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red-rimmed from crying, my hair was wild from the rain and from my time with Law, I could see bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep. In short, I looked like shit. Just fucking great. I spit and rinsed my mouth putting away my toothbrush with more force than necessary. I blew out a deep breath and considered myself. I was going to need makeup today for sure if I wanted to roll into the shop looking human. It would be necessary for the club as well.

I couldn’t show my face there looking like I had cried the night away over a man. I turned the sink on and washed my face. I hated that I had spent the night crying over a man.

I applied my moisturizer and began applying my foundation, my mind wandering while my hands worked. My mind wandered a lot when I was stressed. Daydreams had always been my escape when I was younger and it hadn’t changed the older I got. After last night, it was second nature to vanish into a daydream, but I normally vanished into a happy daydream where everything was perfect and I guessed this was sort of that.

This daydream featured Law.

I’d be walking down the street window shopping and he would see me from across the street. I wouldn’t notice him, I’d be drinking a coffee and enjoying the perfectly sunny day, eyes on the shop’s offerings when he would approach me. He’d call out to me and I’d turn, not seeing him right away. But then there he would be walking towards me through the crowd. We’d lock eyes and he’d smile at me, a real genuine warm smile and he would tell me that he was happy to see me, surprised that it was here and now, but happy. I’d be happy too and I’d tell him that, and then before we could say anything else he would apologize for leaving.

“I got scared,” he’d say.

“It’s okay. I’m glad you’re here now,” I’d reply.

Law would take my hand in his and we’d walk down the street, hand-in-hand window shopping and ducking into a little restaurant down the street for a place we could just talk. We’d stay there for hours before we moved on with no destination in mind, the only thing on our agenda for the day would be spending time together.

The day would be perfect.

“You’re pathetic,” I whispered, stepping back from the mirror and grabbing my curling iron. I flipped it on and began to brush out my hair. “What the fuck, Honey?” The day dream was too much, even for me. A man like Law wouldn’t say he was sorry. He wouldn’t say something like he ‘got scared.’ This wasn’t a romance novel where the hero was just too overcome by his feelings so he ran.

This was real life, and men like Law did not run.

He’d left because he’d wanted to. He’d been good to me getting me home, and the orgasm? 10/10 wished it would happen again. Law had treated me right, even if I’d spent the night crying. That was on me and not the man. I took a section of hair and began to curl it, eyes on the strands as they heated.

“Pathetic,” I repeated, the word echoing in my ears with the same kind of finality of the door shutting behind Law. I had heard that sound as sure as the thunder that had kept me company until I’d managed to fall asleep. I did my hair, focusing on getting the curls just right, spraying them with extra hairspray because I didn’t just need my hair to last through my shift, but also the night that I was going to spend at the Cairn. When my hair was done I went to my closet, grabbing the leather tote I used when I stayed overnight at the club, it was a dark brown, the leather of it buttery soft and I loved it. It had been a splurge for me to buy. A purchase that I reserved only for when I was indulging the side of myself I kept hidden from the world. I fingered the soft leather and stared into my closet, the smoothness of the bag beneath my fingertips calming me, reminding me of where I would be in as little as twelve hours.

I might feel like shit right now, but I wouldn’t then. I pulled an emerald green dress, floor length with a high slit and thick straps that did fucking wonders for my modest cleavage. It would be a change for me, but the dress had been another impulse splurge. It made me look like a greek goddess, the draping of it, the flowing skirt that moved behind me when I moved. It was pure elegance and I hadn’t been able to resist buying it when I came across it at the consignment store down the street.

The club seemed a fitting place to embrace my inner goddess. She would not be phased by a man like Law giving her an orgasm and walking out the door before she’d even stopped trembling from the aftershocks of it. The woman that would wear this dress would push it to the side and hold her head up. I snagged a pair of strappy gold heels. The strap wound it’s way delicately up my leg ending below my knee, a detail I loved. The best part was the heel was thick enough that I wouldn’t be in danger of falling over after eight hours on my feet from work. I stroked my hands over the delicate material of the dress and blew out a heavy sigh before packing it and the heels away. I added a few undergarments in case I really wanted to impress, not that it mattered because the only one I wanted to impress was myself.

“This is for me,” I said, but I wasn’t quite convinced. I could hear it in the slight tremble of my voice. When I went to the club I normally opted for pastels, softer colors and dresses—mostly sundresses and ballet flats with hair bows and ribbons woven through my hair. But not tonight.

I had to be different tonight. I had to act different tonight.

It was the only way I would be able to put myself back together after my encounter with Law. An encounter that should not be affecting me like this. It was one night with a man I’d spent maybe two hours with tops, but still…

That time spent with him had changed me. I didn’t even really understand how or why, but it had woken up the need and want to belong to someone—to this man. I hadn’t felt that in so long.

Truthfully, I hadn’t felt much when it came to the opposite sex unless it was within the negotiated boundaries of kink. The men I met in my day-to-day never piqued my interest. Mostly because I knew they would not be able to give me what I wanted. I bit my lip, tossing a few beauty products into my bag before hitching it high onto my shoulder and slipping into my sneakers on my way out the door.

What I wanted was unique to the patrons of the Cairn and not the men I came across in New York City. It was better that way. Less complicated, or at least as much as I could make it. Because there had been that time with...him.

I frowned, not liking how easily I could recall his face. Christian. All smug brown eyes and shining golden hair. He’d been handsome and charming when we met at the Cairn. His personality big and open, warm in a way that had me interested in learning more about him. Interested in seeing who he was outside of his role as Dom, outside of the club.

I had never wanted that before. We’d met the previous year when I had been eager to date. The itch to have a familiar face, a body I knew waiting for me in bed, had started to grow until it was all that I thought about when I crawled into bed at night. A girl could get by on her own, and I usually liked it, but sometimes the feel of another body was the only way to satisfy exactly what I needed.

It had been that craving for someone else’s hands on my body that had pulled me into Christian’s gravitational force. He was like the sun, pulling everyone he met into his orbit until they revolved around him. Until he was the focus of their world. It hadn’t taken long at all for me to fall into the same holding pattern, the same obsession as everyone else when it came to Christian O’Hanon.

He was a good Dom. An exceptional one, really. That was how I’d fallen so quickly for him, mistaking the sure way he carried himself, the deft hand as he guided us through our scenes together, the absolute confidence he invoked when he was a Dominant. All of it had snowballed together. Blinding me to the fact that we were not compatible. We were living two different lives, on two different timelines, with Christian insisting on an engagement ring I kept refusing. A whirlwind romance that would end with me married to him and us moving in together, even if we had just met two months before.

The way he pulled at my walls and boundaries, shoving his way and his will through them had left me reeling. It felt wrong. Just like every place I had moved before finding New York. All of it, so much so that I had almost pulled up stakes and left the city. But the thing was, I loved New York City too much to leave it. I had no family and few friends, but the one thing I had was the city.

I had New York.

I wasn’t going to give up the place I had earned for myself to run from a man that didn’t understand no. We had begun in a place that insisted on consent and trust, boundaries and limits, as its most tried and true tenets. Christian was a man that wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it. And I was, for all my faults and mistakes, what he wanted.

A good man would have understood my hesitation and given me time, but it turned out Christian wasn’t a particularly good man. He was, however, an incredibly selfish one. When I’d broken it off with him he had stalked me for weeks. Juana had taken to yelling at him and shaking her broom, making sure he knew he was no longer welcome in our building. Elaina and her kids made sure to keep an eye on him, glaring at him until he left when he parked across the street waiting for me to return from work. They’d called the cops on him more than once when I was out. Christian for his part stopped coming around my apartment and made a game of trying to find me at my jobs. Thanks to the random nature of BaristApp’s offerings he had only succeeded twice in nailing down exactly where I was that day. Both times I’d felt my heart in my throat when I saw his familiar handsome profile in line.

“You have to stop,” I told him.

“I won’t, I love you. This is what you do when you love someone.”

He was wrong. I knew that, but some part of me started to believe it. That I deserved this for letting him fall in love with me. That it was my fault somehow. Until we’d run into one another at the Cairn.

Christian had been there with another submissive. They’d been tangled up in one another in the great room. The submissive giggling in his lap while he toyed with her hair, leaning into to whisper in her ear. It was harmless in a place like the club, but seeing them together had been like a bucket of cold water being thrown on me.

She hadn’t even looked a thing like me. Blond hair, blue eyes, fair skinned and slight. My exact opposite. I think that had hurt more, somehow. Knowing that he was putting me through hell, making me look over my shoulder when I was out, making me wonder if I would have a day of peace or end up running from him, and yet...yet, he was choosing to play at the club and with a woman that could not look further from me.

It was sick how I hated that she looked nothing like me.

I’d gone straight to Connie and told her everything. The woman who manned the front desk was not just a receptionist. She was the right hand woman to the club’s owner, Zeus. Yes, weird name, but the man was god within the walls of the Cairn, so no one really questioned it. No one had ever seen him either.

My money was on Connie being Zeus, because no sooner had I told her about my split from Christian—the stalking, the police reports, the unwanted visits at work, than Christian suddenly vanished from the club. When I re-entered the great room he was nowhere to be seen, his blonde though? She was there and looking pissed, but alone. I was glad her night was ruined.

How fucked was that?

The answer was very fucked. Very, very fucked.

“Eight months probation. If you so much as think he’s following you, I want to know,” Connie said, holding up a finger.

I nodded, barely able to hold her piercing gaze. “Sure thing.”

She pointed her finger at me. “I mean it, Honey. You so much as think you see him and you tell me. He’ll pay.”

“But-”

She waved a hand, already turning on her heel. “Enjoy yourself. You're safe here.”

And that had been that. Connie had taken care of him even if I didn’t know the particulars. I hadn’t seen Christian since that night. The woman had power. She had to be Zeus.

I went to the club then freely, letting my guard down enough to slip into little space. Enough to take my pleasure with other Doms. But when the eight months mark of Christian’s probation came and went I wondered what had happened to him. Whatever it was he hadn’t reappeared in my life and that suited me just fine.

“You shouldn’t want something like that. I’m not a good man.”

“I’ve got no use for a good man.”

I shut my door, the words Law had spoken to me the night before ringing in my ears. I’d told him I didn’t want a good man, but it was a lie. After Christian, all I wanted was a good man. Someone to be good to me. But that seemed to be impossible to find even in a city like New York where anything was possible. Or at least possible at a price.

I paused, knowing the lights Law hadn’t liked were overhead. I didn’t have to look to know they were off now, light pouring in from the windows that lined the third floor far better than the old fluorescents provided and all for free. The building super fucking loved free. I was about to go down the stairs when Juana’s door flew open and the old woman poked her head out, looking at me.

“I thought you said you were meeting a friend.”

Fuck. She’d heard us.

“I did meet a friend,” I said, playing it cool.

“You said it was a woman,” she said, wagging a finger at me and I blushed hot. I shifted my bag higher on my shoulder and ducked my head.

“I ran into that friend after dinner.” Was all I said, but Juana’s eyes narrowed at me and I knew she’d probably heard way more than I would have ever wanted her to. God, this is why I went to the Cairn and didn't bring men back to my apartment. Juana would have a fucking heart attack if she knew what I got up to. Last night had been tame. My skin prickled and I remembered Law ordering me to keep my hands flat to the table. Okay, last night was tamer than some, but not all.

I backed away towards the stairs wanting to be anywhere but standing around chatting to my sweet neighbor lady who had probably heard me cum on Law’s face last night. And all of it during a thunderstorm that should have let me scream bloody murder and get away with it. Shit. Just how fucking loud had I been? “I gotta run, Juana. I have a-”

“Well, he must be a good friend if he got the lights fixed this morning, mija,” she said, and I froze, one hand reaching out to steady myself on the banister.

“My what—he did what?” I managed to splutter out. Juana padded out into the hallway, wearing a lilac housecoat and fuzzy funny slippers that swished when she walked. She pointed a bony hand above us towards the lights and I followed her finger to see that the old fluorescents and their cheap metal coverings were gone. In their place were sleek new LED track lighting that ran the length of the hallway. I turned to see that not only were the lights replaced in the hall but also all down the stairwell.

“Holy shit,” I whispered, leaning over the banister to see that the lights went all the way down to the ground floor. “He couldn’t have.”

“He did. He must really like you,” Juana said, coming to stand beside me. She smiled hopefully at me and patted my shoulder. “Tell him thank you, will you? It was so nice for him to do it. They came early and were very quiet.”

“How do you know my, ah, that my friend did it?”

“Because the work men asked for you when I wanted to know what was going on.” Her hands went to her hips and she drew her small frame up, making me laugh. Of course Juana had wanted to know just what the hell was going on and who had ordered it, even if it was an improvement to the building. She was always in the know about stuff like that. “Said that it was for Honey, courtesy of,” she paused and scrunched up her face, biting her lip, “Ay, mija, como se dice el nombre de su novio?”

Novio.

Fuck. Why was she pushing for me to get a man so badly? Didn’t she know that relationships were just a mess? That they could leave you scared and looking over your shoulder? Questioning your own perception until you were so messed up you were angry his new woman didn’t look like you?

Didn’t Juana know?

“He’s my friend,” I replied, batting away her word choice with the deftness of a tennis pro.

Juana rolled her eyes. “Friend. Novio. He sounds Russian.”

Yup. It had been Law all right. Sokolov was as Russian as it got around here.

“A mister Justice Soko-love?” she tried.

I burst into a belly laugh. “Close.”

She shrugged and looked up, giving the new lighting a happy smile. “Tell him thank you,” she said again, hands clasped against the pretty lilac of her house dress.

I nodded and gave her a fake smile, because I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I was never seeing Law again. She looked too happy for me to tell her the truth.

“Of course. I’ll tell him.”

“Bueno, bueno.” She clapped her hands and then gave me a push. “Go on, or you’ll be late for work. You’re always rushing around. It’s bad for you.”

I leaned down and kissed her cheek. “I’m fine,” I told her, but I let her fuss. I liked it when she did. She waved me off and I hurried down the stairs, my eyes on the lighting the entire way down so much that I almost fell twice because I missed a step. I don’t know why I was so focused on the new lights. It’s not like there was going to be a note from Law attached to one of them. I pushed open the door and stepped out onto the sidewalk, phone out and checking the directions to my shift in Tribeca. It was only a five minute walk from the Cairn which would make tonight easier.

Thank god.

The walk to the subway was quick, the routine of the transit lulling me into an almost meditative trance. It was easy for me to zone out, go on autopilot and I welcomed it, letting the calm rush over me. My thoughts seemed to be nothing if not obsessed with bouncing between Law and Christian. The less I thought about either man the better.

When I arrived for my shift at the coffee shop, a trendy little spot with zero counter space but a steady supply of heavy tippers from what I remembered, I was happier. My smile was still brittle during my shift but as each hour crept by it relaxed some. The knowledge that my escape was that much closer edged me towards manic. At the end of my shift, I was practically bouncing off the walls, my blood singing in my veins with energy. My smile was infectious and all of the customers I spoke to left with more pep in their step. I knew I’d be getting a direct request through the app the next time the owner, Sally, needed a fill in.

“Always a pleasure, Honey.” She smiled at me in the genuine way someone did when they wanted you around, and I liked that. It made it easier for me to imagine what it might be like if I did take the job with Tiffany at A Different Brew. I pulled out my phone and glanced at our messages from the night before. She’d let me know she was home and we had texted for a minute or so before she’d most likely fallen into a drunken slumber. I, on the other hand, had just really started my sobbing and brooding for the night.

‘How you feeling today?’I texted her.

She replied nearly instantly. ‘Amazing. That driver was smoking hot and that car drove like butter.’

I smiled down at my phone while I walked. ‘I’m glad you enjoyed the ride home.’

‘It was fucking awesome! I can’t wait to get plastered around your fiancé again ;)

My smile faltered. I still hadn’t told her the truth. I wasn’t sure if I would, because how did you bring that up? Everything seemed more tangled now that Law had played along for the night. My phone buzzed with another text from Tiffany and I tabled my thoughts.

‘You think on my offer to come work with me?’

Shit. The other big thing from last night.

‘Kind of. Still thinking.’ I sent back, because at least I was telling the truth there. I was still thinking about it. Still didn’t know what I wanted to do when it came to putting down more roots in New York. You’d think after a decade that it would come easier to me, but it didn’t. My little relationship blowing up with Christian hadn’t helped...and thinking about him when a permanent job was being offered wasn’t exactly doing wonders for my decision making.

‘BOO! Okay, fine, I’m not gonna nag but I love you and want you to come work with me. I’ll drop it though. What are you doing tonight?’

My belly tightened. Yet, another secret I would have to keep from her. Another lie I would have to tell because I just didn’t think she would get it. Get what I was doing by going to the Cairn. Then again, it was New York, maybe she would get it...My fingers hovered over my phone. I didn’t want to lie to her, but I also wasn’t sure, so I took the conservative approach.

‘Got a book club, then helping my neighbor lady cook dinner.’

That seemed safe. It also seemed like a thing Tiffany wouldn’t ask to come along to.

‘So you’re basically 85?’ She sent back and I knew I’d picked the right activity to keep her from wanting to join.

‘LOL. Yes, I am tonight and I’m loving it.’ I looked up and saw that I was only a few doors down from the club, my feet had brought me here without much input from me, but now I had to go. ‘Gotta run, just got to book club!’

‘You’re such a nerd. Have fun!’

‘Love you too.’

I shoved my phone into my pocket and sucked in a deep breath. The doors of the Cairn were imposing. They looked like they belonged out in some ancient European city, or on the set of a movie where the explorer reaches paradise. They were huge, carved from dark stone that made me think of obsidian or jet. They seemed to suck in the light of the city, absorb it rather than reflect, which always gave them a bit of an edge. A little bit of a dark and scary fairy tale touch that made me think of the Grimm’s brothers stories I’d read as a kid. Copper handles extended out, a patina of grey and green coloring the metal, and I hesitated for a second, fingers reaching but not touching.

Behind me a car passed by honking and a kid shrieked with laughter across the street. I could hear two women talking, their heels clicking on the pavement as they walked past me. All of it was mundane, so perfectly normal and at odds with the doors in front of me. The ones that looked like they’d been plucked from a dark fairy tale, but in this story the prince didn’t save the princess or slay her dragons. She did it.

My fingertips touched the handle and then I was gripping it and pulling the door open. I did not have a prince charming, and I probably never would, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t and wouldn’t save myself. I slipped inside the club and closed the door firmly behind me, shutting out the normal world. The world where my power was fleeting and passing. I traded that world for the Cairn. And here, in this place, I had all the power—and that included saving myself.

“Hello, Honey,” Connie greeted me from the desk she sat at. It was a polished black hunk of obsidian that gleamed in the gold-hued lights of the anteroom. The color of it was a perfect match to the dark hardwood floors of the club and the desk gave the appearance that it had seemingly sprung up from the floor. The lines of the desk were sharp and jagged but they added a touch of feral to the room that reminded me precisely what it was that I was surrendering myself to when I crossed the Cairn’s threshold. The room was beautiful, at complete odds with the apartment I lived my life in. Where my home was sparsely decorated the Cairn was sumptuous in its furnishings. The walls were covered in wallpaper colored a shade of red so dark it was nearly black, gold gilt was brushed across some parts of it as if a painter had taken it to mind to brighten it up but then gotten distracted. The effect was beautiful and chaotic. Heavy crimson curtains ran floor to ceiling along the windows I knew to be black out. The effect created an inviting space that made you want to linger and appreciate the art on the walls, or the elegant furniture, a chaise lounge and a few leather backed chairs arranged around a fireplace with an obsidian mantle at the opposite wall.

Above us a sparkling chandelier glittered, casting a golden light on everything, but mostly the black as night desk that seemed to absorb the golden light right into it as if it were a living breathing thing, and not a piece of furniture.

And then there was Connie. The woman I thought was Zeus.

She was sitting behind the desk with her hands pressed flat to the surface with a smile on her face. It wasn’t a big inviting one, but it was a smile. One that softened her angular face enough that I knew I was welcome. I’d seen her cruel smile before. That one was a step above a snarl, features pulling into a mask of intense focus and bared teeth that left no meaning to just how very unwelcome the recipient was.

I hoped she’d used that sharp as knives smile on Christian.

“Connie, hi,” I greeted her back with a wave. I walked forward, my sneakers hardly making a sound on the hardwood floor. “How have you been?” I asked.

She inclined her head and tapped the mouse beside her, the screen in front of her springing to life. “I’ve been well. It’s been a few months since I’ve seen you. I hope everything is good for you.”

We met eyes. I could see the unasked question there. Has Christian been bothering you?

I gave a slight shake of my head and then said, “It has been. A lot of work, but it’s all been good. I’m happy to make some time for a visit though.” I put my bag by my feet and stood awkwardly in front of Connie’s intimidating as hell desk. I never knew what the fuck to do with my hands when I was standing here.

“Are you staying the night?” She asked, eyes sliding from me to the screen.

“Yes, if there’s a room available.”

“There is. Shall I book it?”

“Please. That’s wonderful news.” The weight I’d been carrying with me slipped off so suddenly and subtly that I almost pitched forward from its absence. My shoulders had been hunched since Law had left, the memory of him leaving pulling at me until every step I took felt as if I carried a thousand pounds on my back. Today had not been easy, even if I’d pretended it was.

“Wonderful.” She smiled even as her eyes were still on the screen and she gave it a few clicks. “I’ve added it to your account, but before I do that I need to tell you one very important thing, Honey.”

“What is it?” I asked on high alert.

She looked at me. “Christian is here tonight.”

I sucked in a breath and took a step back, the weight that I’d shed suddenly all around me and in danger of suffocating me. I shook my head and snatched up my bag. “I don’t-he’s here? Now?” I asked, looking around me.

She nodded and looked remorseful. “He made his booking a month ago. I hadn’t seen you through, so I assumed accepting the reservation would do no harm.” Connie paused and leaned forward, one hand extended towards me though it lay flat on the desk. “I can see that I was wrong by the look on your face.”

I tried to force my face into something that resembled calm even as my heart was racing. “No, I’m fine,” I said automatically.

Connie arched an eyebrow at me. “You don’t seem fine. I can deny his reservation, Honey. It’s no trouble at all if it would put you at ease. Although, if he has held up his end of the probationary period, I would have to reach for a reason to send him away. So I will ask you once again, has Christian paid you unwanted visits or reached out to you? If he has, that would be a direct violation of the rules laid out by Zeus.”

I wanted to lie. I wanted to say the bastard had, but I knew better than to lie to Connie. To Zeus. She—they—would find out the truth and then I would find myself on her bad side. I never wanted to end up there.

“No,” I said quietly. “He’s left me alone.”

Connie fell silent as if considering her next move and she glanced back at the screen briefly before her eyes were trained on me once more. “I can still come up with something if him being here makes you uncomfortable.”

I licked my lips and thought. Did it matter if he was here? He had left me alone since she’d spoken to him. Did I want to ride the train all the way back to Queens and then what? Spend the night and the next day moping that I had missed my chance at relaxing in the Cairn?

“Nothing will happen to me here though...right?” I hedged as I weighed my options. I couldn’t run from Christian and get the rest and respite I needed. I’d been working so much lately, focused on what, I didn’t know. It wasn’t setting up a life, not really. I had one, but I did my best to stay loose and as untethered as I could. That wasn’t normal. It couldn’t be normal.

Somehow it had gotten worse lately. The evening with Law had just been the tipping point that had left me feeling low. I was grateful I had an evening planned here, and had done it before my night with Law. If I hadn’t had it to look forward to I would still be crying my eyes out in my empty apartment.

I needed this place. I needed to hold onto my power for as long as I fucking could, anywhere I could find it. I wasn’t going to be leaving, which meant I was going to need to know what I was walking into if I was sharing the halls of the Cairn with Christian O’Hanon.

She gave a slight tip of her head. “Nothing at all. You will be watched 24/7. Christian will be escorted off the premises if he steps out of line.”

“What would constitute stepping out of line?” I asked.

She was silent for a beat before she answered me. “He is not to touch you. If he speaks to you and you do not consent to the communication, one of our team will end it immediately. Your boundaries will be enforced.”

“And if they aren’t?” I whispered, my voice small in the big room. At my back the fireplace crackled and I knew it was magical looking without even turning my head to see. The flames would be lively and warm, dancing against the black onyx of the mantle, so at odds with the cold feeling in my chest as I negotiated my stay with Christian’s presence.

“Then he will be permanently banned from the establishment. I will also, of course, ensure that you are taken home in one of our private cars following your visit.”

“If he steps out of line?” I asked, confused at her offer. It would make sense that I not have to head back out into the world with Christian now angry and on the loose.

“No,” she said, giving me a kind smile, “I expected that seeing him would be intense for you. I know things can be overwhelming already given the nature of our club. You will be seen home even if he minds his manners and behaves himself.”

Her offer was surprising, but I was glad for it.

“Thank you.”

“Of course, your comfort is our concern.” She stood from her seat and then gestured for me to follow her. “I’ll show you to your room then, if you are ready?”

“I am.”

Connie said nothing else just started walking, her steps were smooth and sure. She could have been fucking gliding like one of those movie vampires in comparison to how I was stumbling after her. I felt unsure on my feet, even in my sneakers. She glanced at me when I stumbled around a corner and pursed her lips.

“You have no reason to worry.”

“I know. I’m not,” I lied, hitching my leather bag higher on my shoulder. The smooth leather beneath my hands was reassuring. I focused on stroking a hand along the side of it and said again, “I’m not.”

Connie gave a soft sigh of annoyance but she kept walking, pulling out a set of golden keys from her pocket. “Zeus has noticed you, Honey. You will be well taken care of during your visit.”

That time I didn’t just stumble, I nearly face planted. “I-what? He what?” Zeus didn’t just notice anyone. I was barely convinced he was real.

She smirked, eyes still forward so that I could barely make out the expression by the upturn of her cheek. “You sound surprised.” She was enjoying this, I could tell by the laughter I heard in her voice. That was...surprising. Connie was all business, but laughter?

What the hell was going on?”

“Well, yeah. It’s Zeus,” I said, as if she didn’t know. As if the woman wasn’t him when I swear she had to be.

“He’s not that great,” she muttered, stopping at a door and turning to face me. “But at times he can be useful in his interest, and you, Honey have caught his interest.” She handed me a golden key. “This is on the house.”

My mouth dropped open. The room we were standing in front of was not the normal one I was used to, which was a simple affair. Clean and simple, but still as elegant as the rest of the club with it’s furnishings, even if it was small. Normally the room I took was just a bed and an ensuite bathroom.

Nothing more. Those doors were black wood, the same as all the other short term stays.

This door was golden to match the key she held out to me.

I’d heard about the rooms with the golden doors. Christian had told me about them, but we had never stayed in one. They were for VIPs, those Zeus favored. And try as he might Christian could never seem to break into their good graces. It had irked him to no end. A giggle bubbled up in me as I took the key from Connie.

Christian would shit bricks if he knew I was here and where I was staying. Good.

“Thank you,” I said, because you didn’t say no to a gift from Zeus. You took it for yourself with both hands and didn’t bother to worry about the price. Whatever the cost it would be worth it for the brief moment in time that the world was yours. Zeus could give you the world within these walls and after the tumultuous night I’d had, the feeling of being adrift in my own life, just all of it…

I would take the world for my own, even if it cost me everything.

Connie winked. “Of course, Honey. As always it’s a pleasure to see you,” she started forward but paused beside me and turned her head to look at me in profile. She was so close I could feel the ghost of her breath on my neck and I shivered, suddenly aware of how close Connie was to me. Her shoulder was nearly brushing mine and if I reached out my pinky I would be touching her hand.

I stayed still, not daring to breathe.

“You will be safe. I promise you. Nothing will happen that you do not want.” Her voice had dropped an octave, it was huskier now and I shivered under her unwavering attention. The woman was intense, but I liked that so I met her gaze as best I could while I waited for her to continue. “That you,” she paused again and I could hear the pounding of my heart with each passing second. Connie moved, leaning closer to me, so that she was whispering in my ear, “do not ask for.” I sucked in a breath, eyes closing at her last words. “Do you understand?” she asked.

“Yes,” I whispered, eyes still closed, my fingers clutching the golden key so tightly I knew my palm would be sore and bruised when I let it go. Connie chuckled, the sound of it making me squirm. She had a good chuckle, the tone of it low and husky, practically reverberating through my body from my head to my toes. I heard her let out a soft sigh and for a second I thought she might touch me, but reason told me she wouldn’t. The rules of the Cairn were strict. There was no touching unless it was agreed upon. This was a safe place, and Connie was at the helm of it. She would not touch me unless I asked her.

My insides warmed and shifted, arousal sliding over and through me like honey, coating it all in a sticky sweetness that nearly had me opening my mouth and asking her to touch me.

She could be Zeus. She’s probably Zeus. My brain screamed at me, and I bit back the words.

As comfortable as I was in the Cairn and the lifestyle I would not and could not fuck around with someone as powerful as Zeus. I had survived Christian, but Zeus? If that went wrong, there would be no coming back from that for me. I needed to keep my mouth shut. But with the way she was standing, so close, the heat from her body radiating out and warm on the back of my hand that was nearly touching hers, the smell of her—a scent that was a mix of jasmine and sandalwood, floral, sensual and rich, and the sound of her voice...it was hard to remember that I needed to watch myself around Connie. The woman knew her way around a submissive, she was experienced and deft in the lifestyle. I knew that if I did spend time with her, ask her to touch me, that she would make it a weekend to remember.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to put the limits of my self-discipline to the test. Connie ended it by moving away. I opened my eyes to see her grinning at me, eyes openly moving over my face and then down my body before she gave me a wink.

“Good girl.” She turned and set off down the hallway with the same ethereal grace that made me feel awkward and tripping over my own feet to catch up. “Have fun tonight!” She called over her shoulder, wiggling her fingers in a goodbye.

I nodded but said nothing, eyes glued to her figure until she was out of sight and around the corner. When I was sure she was gone, I sagged against the golden door. “Holy fuck,” I whispered, forehead against the cool surface of the door. “Holy shit.”

I let myself into the suite as soon as I had recovered enough strength in my legs to stand. I shut the door with more force than necessary and winced at the loud slam. “Fuck.” I was off to a great start in my fancy VIP room, all right. I turned to survey the room and once again felt my knees go weak. I was used to rooms that were functional, meant for a stay and a night of play, but this?

This was luxury.

“It’s beautiful,” I said to no one, but it had to be fucking said. The room was open concept with the same dark flooring of the anteroom. A fireplace was here as well, a dark mahogany mantled thing that made me think of the historical museums I’d been in as a kid when on a road trip with my mom. We used to duck into the old houses and pay the couple of bucks to wander around while we waited for whatever club she was moonlighting in to open its doors to performers. In front of the fireplace was a green velvet settee with leather straps I could see folded across the length of it.

Across from the fireplace was a huge four poster bed made of dark wood. The posts of the bed were beautiful, less for function than for aesthetic, and I walked towards the bed to get a better look at them. The posts of the bed were works of art, like wood made lace, airy and light but undeniably strong. I could see the metal fasteners at the base of the posts made for straps or whatever rope its occupant might care to employ.

A forest green bedding that made me think of relaxation and indulgence. I reached out a hand, smoothing it over the impossibly soft bedding that would, if I had my way, see a fair share of action.

“This is fucking awesome.”

To the left of the bed was a heavy desk that looked as antique as the rest of the room. But even from where I stood I could see the glint of an electronics hub peaking out at the side. It was meant for work. Not work that I did, but the kind of work someone who stayed in a golden room might do. I dropped my bag onto the seat in front of the desk and kept walking, through an archway and into a chef quality kitchen and dining room.

I clapped my hands excitedly at the sight of it. I opened the fridge and was hit with another wave of surprise when I saw it was fully stocked with food and drink. I reached in and pulled out a bottle of sparkling water and took a deep drink, enjoying the quiet of the rooms. I turned, seeing that glass lined this room treating me to a stellar view. It was beautiful now with the sun setting and coloring the room in hues of pink and gold. This was exactly what I needed. I reached back into the fridge and grabbed what looked like a fruit platter. I spied strawberries, blueberries, pomegranate seeds and kiwi slices all artfully arranged on a golden plate.

Who the fuck kept a whole fruit platter on hand just in case someone stayed in a room? Who kept a whole stocked fridge for that matter, on the off chance a guest might stay?

Zeus. That’s who.

The contents of the fridge were easily more than I ate in a week. I was frugal with my purchases, buying in bulk, shopping in season and locally as much as I could in the weekend markets, and I cooked at home the majority of the time. I licked my lips, mouth watering at the sight of the fresh fruits arranged on the plate I held. It was beautiful, the dull golden gleam of the platter shone in the light of the sunset. I looked up from the plate and my mouth fell open when I saw that the windows lining the room were not just windows, but doors. I walked forward seeing handles on each windowed door and saw that they could be folded open to create a roomy balcony.

“Holy shit, yes,” I murmured, making a beeline for the doors, sparkling water in one hand, my fruit platter in the other. There was a chaise lounge out on the balcony centered in a space that looked made to relax. It would be chilly with the rain from the day before but it could be freezing and I would have still spent my afternoon on the balcony. I toed off my shoes on the way and made myself at home. Whatever I was going to pay for this night of luxury, it was probably going to be a lot, so I might as well make myself at home. Zeus always collected, and I wasn’t naive enough to believe my little slice of paradise would come at no cost. I would pay for this luxury down to the pomegranate seed, but I couldn’t think of any better way to rack up a debt to Zeus than on a balcony in Tribeca treating myself at sunset.