Perfect Tragedy by Jennifer Miller

12

After all this time, the Walker’s house still looks the same. It seems that updating things wasn’t a top priority of Virginia Walker. I hadn’t been inside their house too often, Blake had always preferred to come to ours, but the nostalgia still hits hard.

The house is full of people and the smell of the various casseroles offered in condolences is overwhelming. Dad and Jack are both here and I place the pie I made on the table to join all the other gifts. Blake and Mandy will have food for days. I wonder how long they’re both staying.

Looking around I see Blake has changed his clothes. No longer in his dress blues he’s wearing jeans and a blue button down rolled up at the sleeves. Ink peeks out under a sleeve of one of his arms making me curious about the tattoos he’s obviously gotten.

He’s speaking with Mrs. Gilderoy, one of our teachers from grade school. She’s hanging onto his arm and he’s smiling softly at her and nodding his head. A feeling of affection runs through me and I smile at the sight despite the circumstances surrounding it.

Various individuals come and talk to Jack too and I stand by listening and nodding and smiling when necessary, the whole time aware of where Blake is in the room, who he’s speaking to and what he’s doing. At one point Jack and I are alone and he catches me watching Blake as he steps outside. I consider going after him but I’m sure he could use a moment alone.

“Have you spoken to him yet?” Jack asks and I was so involved in my thoughts it makes me jerk a little and then I laugh at my jumpiness.

“Briefly. It, uh, it didn’t go well.”

“I can imagine it didn’t.”

I turn and look at Jack full on, we’ve never spoken about Blake directly over the years other than one time we were both drunk and I over-shared. Jack was smart enough to know there was a reason for why I never wanted contact with Blake over the years. He always managed to stay independent in whatever his opinion is, but never asked, pushed, or offered much information. Now that I really think about it I don’t know why I never found that strange. I’m sure it was because I was so desperate to not know anything about Blake at all that I didn’t think anything about it. Just thankful my wishes were respected. But time changes things.

“What do you know?” I boldly ask him.

“Aside from the night you went on and on about loving him and a pregnant Hailey?”

I cringe even after all this time. “Yes."

“Besides the fact that after your graduation things changed? That Blake asked me for your new phone number and email address so many times that we actually came to blows over it one night when we’d both had too much to drink?”

“What? You did?” My eyes widen at the new information.

“You specifically asked that it not be shared with anyone, even Blake. I couldn’t and wouldn’t go against your wishes. I knew there was a reason, deeper than your mumbled drunken confession.”

“Yet you never asked for details or the reason for my actions?”

“I’m not stupid, Sienna. I knew the reason.”

“Explain,” I demand after looking around to make sure we’re still alone. He takes my arm and pulls me to a couple chairs in a corner so we can speak privately. Our dad is involved in various conversations around the room and somehow Jack manages to keep secure the privacy we need in a room full of people. My brother really has grown up.

“I have eyes, you know. I knew you had feelings for Blake over the years. There were times it was obvious and times it wasn’t, but I knew the feelings always remained.”

“You never said anything.”

“No. Not to you.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I made my feelings about Blake ever pursuing anything with you abundantly clear.”

“Wh-wh-what?” I stutter in shock and surprise. I can feel my mouth hanging open but am unable to do anything but stare at him dumbfounded.

“He was my best friend, Sienna. You are my sister. The thought of, well, I wasn’t a fan. I told him you were off limits and out of respect and concern for our friendship, he conformed to my wishes. Even though I know it was hard for him at times.”

“Hard for him? What do you mean?”

“He had feelings for you too.”

“What?” I practically screech and people’s heads swing in our direction out of curiosity.

“Shh,” he says and I give him a dirty look.

“He did not.”

“Yes he did. There were times I thought for sure he was going to ignore everything we ever talked about and do what he wanted. I told him that we wouldn’t be friends anymore, that I would tell mom and dad that he wasn’t welcome at our house any longer and that I was unequivocally not okay with anything between you.”

“I don’t understand why you would do that. You had no right.”

He shrugs, “I know. I’m sorry. I was protective of you. I was worried about him, About you. About me – maybe mostly me. I couldn’t imaging losing my best friend over my sister. And I wasn’t mature enough to deal with the idea of my best friend and sister together.”

“He was my best friend too. You both were.”

“I know. But he was dealing with a lot because of the situation with his family - his dad leaving, his mom drinking - I didn’t want you caught up in the mess those things created within him.”

“That wasn’t your choice.”

“I knew he would listen because you, me, our family… we were the refuge he needed when things were hard in his own home. He didn’t want to mess that up with you, with our parents.”

“Jack…”

He ignores me. It’s like now that he’s uncorked the bottle he can’t stop the flow, “When I knew we had made the decision to join the Army it only affirmed my feelings further. Clearly, I knew the kind of commitment we were making and in turn what it would take from anyone that would choose to be in a relationship with us through that. You’d have to live your life on hold while you got moments in time to spend with someone you love – and then not at your request, but when they’re given permission. Availability would be infrequent and that’s no life for anyone. Certainly not for my sister.”

“Again, that’s not a choice you had the right to make for people, Jack. Not for me, Not for Blake. I would have gladly done that. But instead I thought he didn’t feel the same way. My heart was broken over and over and over again.”

“I’m sorry for the pain you’ve been through. I had a hand in that. I’ve wanted to tell you many times. To confess my role. To apologize. But I wanted to do so in person. That’s one of the reasons I kept asking you to visit. And then I’d repeatedly justify it…I justified it so long by telling myself my heart was in the right place for both of you, but I know I was merely being selfish.”

“I wish you had confessed. In fact, you should have. Also, why do I get the feeling that with the passionate way you talk about the sacrifice someone would have to make… that you had someone that would have been willing to do that for you too?”

He grins and the sight is heartbreaking because of the revealing look on his face, “You’ve always been a smart one.”

“Oh, Jack.”

“Look, I’m fine, I’ll always be fine, but I can see in your eyes when you look at him that you’re still hurting.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“No, but thank you for telling me the truth. A lot of things from the past make sense now.” He nods and places his arm around me squeezing. And despite the fact that I may regret it, I plunge forward. “Whatever happened with Hailey and Blake?” I ask bravely even though the thought of the two of them makes my chest squeeze.

“It’s not my story to tell, Sienna.”

“Did they… did they have a girl or a boy?”

He hesitates and looks at me and flinches when he sees the look on my face. I’m unguarded, my feelings about that situation plain on my face and in my eyes. “A girl,” he says but there’s more to the story and I can see that on his face.

Not yet done, I ask one more question on my mind, “Why does Blake walk with a limp?”

He cringes and shakes his head, “Again, not my story to tell.”

“Well, it seems that Blake and I have some catching up to do.”

“That you do,” Jack says and we both stand. “I love you, Sienna. Everything I did, it’s because of that. But I realize I could have loved you better.”

“Please, never make decisions for me again.” I try to say it lightly, though the ramifications of his behavior still are overwhelming and crowd my mind. “I don’t think either of us could take the fallout. And I have no doubt you’d never like that favor returned.”

“Promise. And again, I am truly sorry.”

Turning toward the back door that opens to the backyard where Blake escaped earlier, I make my way knowing I never saw him come inside. It seems it’s past time for my past and present to collide whether I like it or not.

Opening the door, I step outside and pause when I see him standing facing some wild flowers in desperate need of taming. His back stiffens when he realizes his private moment has been violated.

I’m about to announce my presence when he says, “What are you doing out here, Sienna?”

The shock of him knowing it’s me and him using my full name, stops me in place. “How did you know it was me?”

He laughs without humor and finally turns to face me. A breeze blows stirring the hair at his forehead as his eyes meet mine. “Do you really think you could ever be anywhere near me and I wouldn’t know it?”

Taken back by that statement, and unsure how to respond, I ignore it, “How are you doing?”

He laughs again, “What a loaded question.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m - I’m worried about you.”

He looks away from me and I’d give anything to go to him and put my arms around him, but I can’t.

“Seven years,” he begins, “is a long time. I wasn’t sure if I’d see you at all.”

“Why wouldn’t you? Of course I’d be here. We were… are… friends.”

“Is that what we are?” He asks and again I find myself tongue-tied. “Where is he?” he asks and my brow furrows.

“He? Who?”

“The boyfriend,” he says.

“Jesse?” my voice cracks in surprise at the question.

“I don’t know what the fuck his name is,” he says angrily. “Why isn’t he with you?”

“How do you even-” I stop because of course the answer is Jack or some gossip monger who wanted to be sure he knew, but his tone and the fact he would even care to know about me is surprising. “There isn’t a boyfriend.” He looks at me in confusion. “Not anymore.”

“What happened?”

“It’s a long and rather uninteresting story,” I offer.

He nods then begins to walk toward me and I realize he’s going to walk past me and back into the house. His limp again makes me curious as to what happened. When he passes me, I blurt out the first thing I think in an effort to stop him, wanting more time with him.

“Jack told me.”

He stops. Turns. Looks at me and waits.

I swallow once. Twice. The look in his eyes unreadable.

“Told you what exactly?”

“He told me…just told me…that he told you not to pursue a relationship with me. That you had feelings for me. You know… before.”

His eyes hold mine and I know a million thoughts run through his mind. I can see them even though I can’t define them.

“It doesn’t change anything” he shakes his head.

“What? It changes everything.”

“No. It doesn’t. I wasn’t good enough for you then anyway, and I’m certainly not good enough for you now. So no, it doesn’t change anything.”

“Blake-”

“Just drop it, Si.”

“I can’t,” I tell him and the emotion behind those two words can’t be contained.

He sighs and relents, “Treehouse, tomorrow? Meet me at six o’clock? I have some things I have to take care of most of the day. Does that work for you?”

“Yes. I’ll be there.”

He walks away and for the first time in a long time that mustard seed of hope has sprung back to life inside me.