Perfect Tragedy by Jennifer Miller

11

My stress level is currently a thirteen out of ten, easily. It’s the day of the funeral and Jack asks me to attend with him. I had planned on going anyway, it’s the right thing to do, but I readily agree. I’ve been flat out panicking since then about seeing Blake again.

Blake.

I can’t help but wonder how he’s doing. How he’s dealing with the passing of his mother and my heart hurts for him because I know for a fact his mom continued to have an alcohol abuse problem until her death. I recall vividly how Blake felt about that and I can’t imagine it made a reconnection likely, but who knows. At least I’m assuming because he’s never been home - at least that I know of. I’m confident I would have heard though.. This town reveals every secret eventually I swear. And Blake is now known as one of the town’s military heroes. So yeah, I would have known if he was ever back before today.

Especially since now it’s all anyone in town seems to be talking about.

I actually snapped at some employees at work this week telling them to gossip less and take care of patients more. I felt bad for a few minutes knowing that it was the subject of the gossip that was really getting to me, but oh well, I’m human too.

The information I have about what Blake’s been up to over the years is minimal. Despite my requests to not tell me much, things still circulated. I know that he’s not with Hailey, but I don’t know how or why or even if they had a boy or girl - her family moved away a while back except for her brother and he’s not one for gossip, so I haven’t heard a thing. I do know that Blake lives in California as does Jack. They were both stationed there and have lived there ever since. Jack has invited me out to visit him several times over the years, but I’ve always come up with an excuse because I didn’t want to chance seeing Blake. It’s ridiculous to still be like that all these years later, I realize that, but the truth is that I’ve never really gotten over him.

It’s why I’ve never taken things to the next level with Jesse or any man I dated prior to him. I compared them all to Blake which perhaps is both pathetic and unfair. We never had anything. I see that clearly now. It was all just a stupid girl crush, a significant and deep one from my perspective, but the truth is the feelings I had for him, the way seeing him or talking to him made me feel was far more impactful than even I can believe at times, and certainly far more meaningful than what Jesse or anyone else made me feel.

Jesse.

His announcement at dinner took me more than a little off guard. In the days since he’s wanted an answer and has sent me information about Oregon and the area we’d live in an attempt to try to lure me further. I confess that part of me has been considering it. I’ve always wanted to visit Oregon, and I mean, Jesse loves me. I think I could be happy with him - he’s a good man. But is that enough?

In truth, the other part of me, perhaps the more honest and wise part, knows that since my immediate reaction to his invitation wasn’t a resounding ‘yes, absolutely’ and that I truly had no heartfelt desire to go anywhere with him - hell I didn’t even want to move in with him – that clearly being with him, being together, is not a decision that would be true to my heart. So why am I postponing telling him? Truth is, things with Jesse have likely run their course and I need to tell him so. It’s just that he’s been so kind and I kept telling myself that maybe with time, my feelings would change. But that’s not going to occur. And I know that is the truth. It would be unfair to keep him waiting longer. I’m not sure why it took him asking me for this commitment for me to confront the truth, but different situations require different catalysts, I’ve learned.

Walking into the funeral home where the service will be held before we head to the grave site, I do my best to push these thoughts aside for now. I take a moment to look down at myself and smooth my black dress making a final appraisal. It seems quite vain given the circumstances, but I’m incredibly aware that this is the first time I’ll see Blake in years. I know the years have been kind, I still look relatively the same – in fact, mainly even better - but I allow myself a moment of insecurity before I brush it off, push my shoulders back and lift my chin.

Jack immediately comes into my line of sight. As if he knows what I’m thinking he looks at me with a smile before approaching me, crooking his elbow out for me to link my arm through, “You look great,” he says and I could hug him.

“Well, you look handsome,” I tell him. He does in his dress blues. He’s going to make some girl very happy one day.

“I’ve missed you,” his eyes turn sad. “What will it take for you to come visit me?”

I feel bad immediately, “We can talk about it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I just…”

He’s kind giving me an excuse, “I know work keeps you busy and aside from that you’ve been a rock to dad when I haven’t been able to be. And have I told you thank you for that? It won’t be long and my commitment will be done and I’ll be able to be around more, help more.”

“It’s okay, Jack. I’ve always understood that.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s been easy for you and I know that.”

“Thanks for saying that.”

“Oh and we also need to talk later,” he says.

“About what?”

“What is this I hear about your being asked to move away?”

“Oh god, dad told you.”

His eyes are shining with humor, “Shut up,” I tell him. “We’ll talk about that later too.” He squeezes his arm closer to his body which pulls me closer - a hug of affection which I wholeheartedly return.

As soon as we walk into the funeral home, the smell of lilies is overwhelming. There are already several people lingering around the reception area speaking in hushed tones. There are some core members of Mason Creek that would die before missing an event of any kind - including a funeral. If you ask me it’s because the information they’ll potentially gain from the event will help sustain their gossip needs for days afterward. Not to mention they just want to be able to say they were there when whatever may happen happens. God forbid something were to transpire and they’d miss witnessing it in person. Small town life can be wonderful, but that’s the part I could do without.

We weave in and out of people constantly getting stopped by people wanting to greet Jack, happy to see him and ask how he’s doing. Some things never change - like their love for my brother. It makes me smile at how much his attention is sought and the fact that he’s always cordial and kind. I suppose that’s one of the reasons he’s loved so much.

When we walk into the main room where the casket is at the front of the room and chairs are set up for the service, I immediately see Blake standing at the front of the room. My heart begins beating triple time and I gasp quietly at the sight of him.

Time has been kind to him as well.

Same dark hair of course, but instead of the buzz cut that he last sported, it’s grown out. I can see tracks that indicate he’s been running his hands through it over and over - an old habit that brings an easy smile, a little familiarity. Strong chin, cheekbones and full lips. He’s got a furrow between his brow as he listens and nods to whomever he is speaking. He’s got a new accessory too - glasses - and my god they only make him look more attractive.

My chest tightens at the fact that we’re in the same room after all these years. I feel like I can’t breathe.

“Excuse me,” I mutter to Jack before leaving the room and heading to where the sign says there are restrooms. I know I need to hurry, people are making their way into where the service will be held and the last thing I want to do is walk in after its already started and make a spectacle of myself.

Quickly walking to the sink, I look at myself in the mirror and see how wide and panicked my eyes look. My face has no color and I pinch my cheeks in an effort to create it. Taking some deep breaths I grab a paper towel, wet it and pat the back of my neck. Thankfully I’m alone so no one hears me talk to myself, “You can do this. It’s not about you. It’s about respect. And being here for Blake. And Mandy. Our history doesn’t matter.”

With another deep breath, I throw the paper towel in the trash, tug my purse up higher on my arm, walk out of the bathroom and smack right into someone.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I mutter into a firm chest.

Arms come to the sides of my arms steadying me. When I pull back I look up and right into the eyes of Blake. Of course. It’s like a freaking movie.

“Blake.”

“Si,” he says using my nickname and it almost breaks me. Almost.

We stare at each other for a moment and then I’m in his arms hugging him tightly. “I’m so sorry,” I tell him.

“For what?” He asks and his tone sounds tight.

I pull back and look into his face and there’s so many emotions there - all of them indefinable. He’s not smiling, just staring at me intently and the sight throws me out of whack.

He’s wearing his dress blues and my god does he look handsome. He appears bigger than life. His chest is broader, he seems taller though I know it’s just from not being around him for so long. His jaw is tight and I can tell he’s clenching it while he awaits my response.

I step back working hard to control myself. I swallow several times my mouth feeling dry, “I’m sorry about your mom.”

“Oh. Is that all you’re sorry for?”

“Excuse me?” My stomach sinks and the fire in his eyes makes me lose my breath.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but Mr. Walker? We’re ready to begin.”

He nods with a quick jerk of his head “Thanks.” When he turns back to me his eyes fall to my mouth before they meet my eyes again. “Sienna,” he says my name again with a nod before turning to walk away.

“Wait,” I say and he stops and looks at me. Suddenly I realize this isn’t the time or place. “Never mind. We can talk later.”

“Oh, we’re talking now?”

“Blake-”

“Later.” He walks away and when he does, I’m startled to see he moves with a slight limp. I can do nothing but stare after him before I follow and slide into the spot behind my brother which of course happens to be directly behind where Blake sits with his sister, Mandy.

I do my best to pay attention, but my mind keeps going over our interaction again and again. He’s angry and should I be surprised? I cut him off years ago, never giving him the chance to speak to me again. I’m not sure what I should have expected.

The service was okay, but it was really hard seeing Mrs. Walker lying there, makeup caked on her face trying to make her look better in death than I remember ever seeing her look in life. The funeral brought back memories of my own mother’s and it made me emotional. Jack held my hand tightly and I know his thoughts were aligned with mine.

After the funeral ends, we take Jack’s car to the gravesite and the service there is brief. Looking across the coffin, I see that Mandy stands next to Blake. She has tears silently falling down her cheeks while Blake looks stoically at the casket. As if he feels me watching him, his gaze meets my own. He holds it for a moment, before he looks away.

When it’s over, Jack escorts me back to his car. “There’s going to be a gathering at Blake and Mandy’s house. We should go.”

“Okay,” I nod in agreement wanting yet dreading another chance to talk to Blake.

When my phone buzzes in my purse I take it out and see I’ve got a text from Jesse asking me if I’ve made a decision yet. Irritation rises in me at his insistence and I know without a doubt that I need to stop pushing this off any longer.

My text back is short and to the point, “Jesse, I’m sorry. I can’t go. My dad’s here, my job…I’m sorry. You deserve someone in your life that would immediately say yes and would give up anything and everything to be with you - I’m not that person. Forgive me.” Do I feel bad that I texted him back my reply, yes, but he did ask me on text.

I feel worse when he responds, “I understand.”

He’s a good man, but that’s why I know he deserves someone better than me. I know I made the right decision. I spent less than five minutes standing in front of the restroom interacting, if that’s what I can call it, with Blake and the feelings that ran through me from seeing him again were far stronger than the feelings Jesse and our relationship ever managed to invoke.

Seems I’m simply doomed to love Blake forever. Even after all this time.