Perfect Tragedy by Jennifer Miller

13

I’m early. I got out of work as fast as I could, drove to the house, and without a word to dad or Jack made my way to the treehouse. I haven’t been up here for years - I couldn’t bring myself to come up - it felt too painful to do so alone.

There’s dust in all the corners and the hatch creaked so loud when I pushed it up I’m sure people a town over heard it open. But otherwise, not much has changed. For a short minute I revel at how sound and secure dad must have built it and that he must have preserved the wood to withstand all of the elements this many years. It must have meant as much to him to have provided this for us, as it did for us to have access to it.

I’ve been a nervous wreck all day. Work kept me busy which meant I was distracted and unable to obsess about it all day, but thoughts still tried to creep in anyway. I couldn’t even let myself enjoy the fact we had a great day of production; I was sweating about meeting Blake. About what to say and how to say it. And if I would know if I even should. At some level I am wanting to clear my head and heart. To say all the things I’ve never gotten a chance to say. Would I really be brave enough to say them now?

“Sienna?”

His voice calling for me makes goosebumps break out over my whole body and tears come to my eyes. How I had missed something as simple as him saying my name. I don’t think I realized the full extent of how much I missed having him in my life until the emotions knocked me over like a bulldozer after seeing him again yesterday.

“Hey,” I respond and look down and see him through the many leaves and branches between us. “I’m here.”

“Can you come down?”

My brow lowers in confusion at the fact that he’s not coming up. “Sure.”

I open the hatch again, grimacing at the sound again, then make my way down carefully. When I’m close to the ground, he reaches up and helps me the rest of the way.

“Thanks,” I smile at him brushing my hands together once my feet are on the ground.

“I, um, wasn’t thinking when I said to meet here. It was just automatic, I guess. I brought a blanket. I thought we could sit at the base of the tree.”

“Okay,” I nod and help him spread out the blanket when he pulls it from under his arm. I watch as he sits and then seems to struggle a bit with his leg, which I find confusing and want to ask about, but I’m so nervous and know I need to wait for him.

He stares out toward his property and I look in the same direction. Rows and rows of wheat blow in the slight breeze. “I would dream about this place when I was away,” he says his voice so soft I lean toward him to hear him better. “The funny thing is that my dreams would include things like the wheat field, the treehouse, driving up your driveway, and when I dreamt about having dinner as a family it was with your family - not mine. Jack would be there all the time,” his eyes met mine before looking away again, “and you. You were always there.” He pauses, swallows, runs his hand through his hair. “It never made me feel bad before, knowing that when I thought about belonging, about family, that it only makes sense that I would think about the place where it always felt like home to me. But now, with mom…”

“Blake,” I whisper wishing to offer comfort but not knowing how.

“You shut me out, left me,” he says suddenly and it takes me off guard. “I used to live for your emails - your letters when you’d write them. They seemed to come at times when I needed them the most. When I had moments of regret for joining the Army at all. When I missed home. When I wasn’t sure I could do the next task, conquer the next challenge. When I would have given anything to come back. When I was in a god-forsaken country that became the thing nightmares are made of and saw things I’ll never be able to unsee - I would have given anything to have received a single email from you.”

“I’m sorry,” I choke, his words shocking me with their honesty. “I just-”

“I know. I know you were angry, you were hurt, you were protecting yourself, and I have tried to understand over the years, but hell, Si, I’m fucking pissed off too and I’m not going to pretend not to be.”

“I loved you,” I choke out and almost immediately I wish I could grab the words from the air and shove them back into my mouth. Especially when his gaze collides with mine. But I push through, “I didn’t just love you. I was in love with you. And my heart broke over and over.”

“I didn’t-”

“Mean to? I know. But when I saw Hailey,” my throat closes up and I feel the words get trapped. I can still picture that night and I need to clear my throat a couple times to continue. “When I saw her,” I say again, “it broke me. In that instant I knew that in order for me to really move on, to let go, to stop holding on to my unreasonable dreams hoping for something that was never going to happen, I needed to cut and run.”

“And how did that work out for you?”

I laugh bitterly, “I never really did escape you.”

He looks deeply into my eyes and pushes the hair blowing in my face behind my ear. The touch of his fingertips against my skin, makes me tingle. I feel his touch there after he pulls his hand away.

“What, um, what happened with Hailey? I had heard you aren’t together,” he looks at me curiously, “I overheard my parents talking about it once, but I don’t know what happened. Jack said that you have a daughter.”

He laughs and it takes me off guard, “There’s a lot you don’t know, Si.”

“Then tell me.”

“Why? Why should I?” he asks, and it isn’t unkind. I understand why he’s asking.

“I understand if you don’t want to, but all I can say is that I’m sorry. I was sad, broken, confused and determined to move on. I didn’t allow myself to think about how it would make you feel because I was confident it wouldn’t matter. You had her.”

“Wouldn’t matter?” he scoffs at me and the pain in his expression was evident. “It was everything. Don’t you get it? I loved you too. I was in love with you too.”

“No you weren’t,” I shake my head, tears springing to my eyes.

“Don’t tell me how I felt. I know. I know the strength it took to stay away. To always keep you at arms length because you were untouchable. It could never happen, so I’d do whatever it took to honor your brother’s request and stay away from you.”

Tears roll down my face unchecked. It seems trite but I can’t stop them.

“There were moments that were so much harder than others, but then Jack’s words would come back and I knew that losing you all would be far worse than having you upset with me for a little while. I couldn’t chance losing the love and acceptance of your family. Even if you were upset, or hurt because you thought your feelings weren’t returned, at least you were still in my life. The thought of losing you completely was incapacitating, so I made do.” He shakes his head and looks at me, “Ironic isn’t it?”

“Ironic?”

“I lost you anyway.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t expect you to say anything. I hate it, but I understand it. I’m angry a bit at you, at myself, at Jack, at life, but again, I know why you made your choice. But while you may not know about me and my life over the last seven years, I know everything about yours.”

“Excuse me?”

He laughs and the sound makes my heart flutter. It’s been so long since I’ve heard the sound and I forgot how it makes me feel. “Do you really think I’d let Jack get away with not keeping me informed? He knew better after seeing how I responded to you cutting me off than to ever deny me that. It was all I had left.”

“All this time…just lost. Jack had no right.”

“No, he didn’t. I don’t know what’s worse to be honest. His request, or my abiding by it.”

I’m stunned. So many revelations and my heart feels sad one moment and full of hope the next. What I’m hearing, what he’s said is that he’s missed me, had feelings for me, was affected by me enough to still be angry at me. Maybe there’s still a chance.

“One of the times I came home, I stupidly got drunk and hooked up with Hailey. One night, it was after I had sent you an email after one too many drinks letting myself be honest with you. God, I missed you so much, and I just couldn’t lie about how I felt anymore. I told you I wondered what would have happened if Jack hadn’t interrupted us the night of our graduation party.”

“I remember,” I confess and my voice sounds raspy. I remember more than just the email. I remember that night and the feelings come flooding back.

“Well one night I checked my email, wondering if I’d have a response from you. Half excited, half scared out of my mind knowing I said more than I should have. And there it was. Do you remember what you said?”

With everything that I am.

I remember everything between us.

“It said, I think about it too.”

“It said more than that. It said ‘yours’ before you put your name.”

“Yes, I remember.”

“That one word, it meant everything.”

“Then what happened? Your response-”

“I went to respond to you. I was going to lay it all on the line - Jack and his wishes be damned. But then my email sounded and I don’t know why but I looked at my inbox. The subject line of the email captured my attention first. It said, ‘Congratulations, Daddy’.” My gut churns at those words and I feel sick. “I saw it was from Hailey and I can’t explain to you how I felt at that moment. I opened the email and inside was an ultrasound photo she attached.”

I nodded, “It just wasn’t our time, I guess.”

His stare is focused on the wheat field before us but I’m sure he’s not really seeing it. He’s clearly reliving that night. How it made him feel. I can only imagine the shock.

“I spiraled. I experienced so many emotions I can’t even recall them all. Shock. Disbelief. Anger. Shame. Fear. Worry.”

“I’m sure it was hard knowing she was in that state and you were so far away.”

“I’m not talking about her, Sienna, not entirely. Yes, those are emotions I felt when she told me she was pregnant, but mostly it’s how I felt in regards to telling you. To you finding out. Shock was the situation, yes. But I felt disbelief that I had just said all of that to you, that you had just called yourself mine, and I knew it would all disappear because of one evening. I felt shame that I allowed myself to be in the position to begin with. Fear that I’d lose you all together and worry over how you’d react when you found out. My whole world, it didn’t revolve around Hailey and the position she found herself in because of our actions, but it circled around what it would do to you. To the us that never even got to begin.”

“That’s why you didn’t respond for a week and when you did…”

“When I did I told you that I never should have sent it. By that time guilt set in. Guilt that my first thoughts were of you and us and not about the baby. I had to be responsible - do the right thing for that child.”

“The baby…”

“I was due for some time off and I took it, knowing I had shit to straighten out and it happened to coincide with your graduation which I wanted to attend more than anything. I needed to see you. Even if it was from afar. I never meant for you to find out that way - I initially told Jack I didn’t want you to know I was there, but he insisted that he tell you that he sent me in his place. Well, you know how the rest of all that went.”

“I do,” I say quietly. He turns to look at me, sees the pain in my eyes and immediately takes my hand in his and squeezes it. “What happened next? You said you know about my life but I don’t know about yours. What happened with you and Hailey? Do you see your daughter?”

“Hailey lied,” he says quietly and at first I’m not sure I heard correctly.

“Lied?” I repeat confused.

“I moved her out to the base where I was stationed in California. She stayed with me and it was tough for a while. Military life isn’t easy and it was no secret that I was only with her because of the baby. We didn’t get along, she had a difficult time making friends and it certainly wasn’t the glamorous life she was expecting - I don’t know what she was expecting really. All I did was try to make the best of it. I took the best care of her I could.”

“I’m sure you did,” I tell him feeling as if I should reassure him that I wouldn’t expect he’d ever do anything less.

“She knew though. Knew I missed you with everything I had,” he turns to me. The look in his eyes freezes me. This time I squeeze his hand and he smiles a little.

“I missed you too. If that counts for anything.”

He nods, but doesn’t respond to that. Instead he reaches behind him and pulls out his wallet from his back pocket. I look on curiously and then grin when he pulls out a photo of the two of us.

“Oh my gosh, where did you get that?”

It’s a picture from the night of prom. One my mom took of Jack, Blake and me. I’m laughing at something and looking up at Blake and he’s looking at me too. Jack has been folded to the side - the focus on Blake and me.

“Your mom sent it to me.”

“My mom?” I ask softly, tears stinging the back of my throat as my eyes swing from his to the photo.

“It came in a care package she sent once.”

“That night was one of the best of my life,” I confess.

“One night, Hailey found me looking at this. Well, at a copy of this - I had to request another because she destroyed the first. She was angry, accused me of wanting to be with you and not her and of course she was right, but I couldn’t tell her that. I calmed her down and we made the best of things, but then I received orders to Afghanistan. Hailey was only five months pregnant at the time and she didn’t take the news of my leaving well. But obviously I had no choice.”

“Afghanistan, that’s what you meant when you said you’ve seen things you can’t unsee.”

He nods, “I can’t even really explain the mess it is over there. They sent us to help keep the peace, and we did the best we could.”

“I’ve read about it. I’ve tried to keep a pulse on all of our dealings with other countries since you and Jack joined. I read about the critical level of kidnappings, hostage taking, landmines and terrorist and insurgent attacks there.”

Now I know for a fact that he may be here with me, but part of him is definitely elsewhere. “It’s not even describable. I was only there for six months, but it was the longest six months of my life.”

“Six months? So you missed the birth of your daughter?”

“I was supposed to be there longer, but things didn’t go according to plan.” I look at him curiously, waiting for him to explain. “We were sent into a town to check things out. There had been murmurings of covert meetings of terrorists and they wanted us to try to push out any cells. I remember getting ready to knock on the door of a house and a little child - a girl - ran up to some guys in my unit asking for help. She was saying something I couldn’t understand, talking so fast and pointing behind her. I don’t know what tipped me off, how I suddenly knew what I was seeing, but it didn’t matter. I was too late.”

“What do you mean?”

His eyes look deeply into mine and the sight takes my breath away - they’re haunted by the memories he’s reliving. I almost want to tell him to stop because it’s clear they’re bringing him pain. I reach out and touch the part of his leg that’s closest to me, and freeze.

He freezes too. Emotions, too many to count, cross over his features. “The child,” he continues softly, “was a decoy. She was wearing a bomb strapped to her chest. I called out,” his voice sounds raspy now, like the words he’s saying are scraping out of his throat against their will. “But it was too late. I just remember a flash of white. Searing pain.”

His limp.

The hardness that’s not natural I’m feeling now.

The look in his eyes.

I know.

I know what happened. “Oh, Blake,” I whisper, sadness and pain wrenching my heart at the thought of what he’s been through.

Without a word he reaches down and lifts his pant leg. A prosthesis appears all the way up to just under his knee. “I didn’t handle losing it well. I was angry - thoroughly pissed off and mourning my friends. I was stuck in a hospital bed for a while, Hailey would come and visit but I could see her getting angrier and angrier each time. I’ll never forget the look on her face when she first saw…”

I hate her. I hated her before but I hate her with a fiery passion now. She better hope I never see her.

“I required a lot of care at first. The initial prosthetic didn’t work. Too painful, uncomfortable. Missing a limb requires relearning how to walk, to move, in a way you wouldn’t expect. There’s a new balance, rhythm, pace to get used to. It’s hindering in ways you don’t want it to be and denial is a real and heavy thing. I didn’t know you could grieve for a body part. So many things I didn’t know.”

“I can’t even imagine. You’re so strong, Blake. You amaze me.”

He laughs sardonically, “Right. Strong. No. I was a mess. I’ll never forget the day that Hailey came home from… I don’t know shopping or something. She had… Peyton in her arms and said she needed a diaper change…”

Peyton. His daughter’s name is Peyton.

“I wanted to help. I stood, began crossing the room with my crutches when my gait got out of sequence with my crutches and I got caught in midair – then fell. Hard. To the ground.”

My heart goes out to him at the thought.

“I was embarrassed, struggled to get up and Hailey… well she was angry. She exploded. Told me that she was sorry but that this wasn’t working. That she had a confession to make, that Peyton, wasn’t mine,” he choked out.

“What?”

“She told me that she couldn’t be my caretaker and her daughter’s too. That she needed to make the right choice for her and it wasn’t me.”

“She was lying, right?”

“I thought so, accused her of it, but she had gotten a paternity test done with a sample of my blood - god knows there was enough of it around during my recovery and she showed it to me. I am not her father. Having to choose between me and her actual father, apparently I was the better choice at the time, until this,” he says gesturing to his leg.

“I don’t even know what to say. An apology just seems inadequate.”

“It was a long time ago. It is what it is.”

“And now? What have you been doing since then?”

“I’m retired from the military obviously, but I still help teach new recruits. I like it, it keeps me busy. It’s not something I have to do, but I want to.”

“So what now, Blake?”

“What do you mean?” his brow furrows in confusion.

“Are you…are you with someone now - romantically?”

“No,” he says hesitantly.

“Blake?”

“Yeah?”

“I think we’ve waited long enough, don’t you?”

He shakes his head in confusion, “What do you mean?”

I put my mouth on his. The kiss is soft at first, just a meeting of our lips, like they are getting acquainted first, then I add more pressure. He makes a sound in the back of his throat, part surprise, part need and his lips part. I take advantage and deepen the kiss and he matches my intensity move for move.

Without breaking contact, I straddle his lap. I can’t believe I’m being so bold, but what do I have to lose? He’s not with anyone and he confessed he loved me once - maybe he still does. Maybe he never stopped, like I never stopped loving him. Is there hope for us?

Pulling away from him gently, I look into his eyes and place my hands on his cheeks. His eyes squeeze close. When he opens them and looks at me, I smile. His hands grip my sides and he doesn’t push me away.

“Do you still wonder?”

“Wonder?”

“What would have happened if we weren’t interrupted?”

His eyes widen and before he can say anything, I put my lips on his again. I pour everything I’m feeling into that kiss. How I’ve missed him all this time. How my heart aches for what he’s been through. How I’d give anything for one big do-over.

His hands leave my sides and travel up my back and then dive into my hair. His kiss is fire. Passion pours into me and I know, I know, that there will never be anyone else for me. No one has ever made me feel this way. I push the softest part of me into the hardest part of him and his groan excites me.

My hands travel down his chest and to his stomach and then suddenly, I’m no longer sitting on him anymore, I’m seated next to him once more.

“Wh-” I look over at Blake and see his chest rising and falling sharply.

“That shouldn’t have happened.”

“What? Why? You said you’re not with anyone. Neither am I.”

“Sienna, we can’t do this. We can’t be together,” he says quietly and with pain reflected in his eyes.

“What? Why? I don’t understand. Is it because I live here and you live in California? I mean, yeah that will make things hard, but long distance has worked for people before.”

“No.”

“No?”

“Sienna, I’m not… you deserve better than someone like me.”

“Someone like you?” I shake my head in confusion. “I don’t have any idea what you mean.”

With a little bit of difficulty he stands and limps as he takes a few steps away from me. His head is down, hands on his hips and he appears to be trying to compose himself.

“Hailey was a lot of things, but she was right about one thing.”

“Oh, please. Do tell. This should be interesting,” I say with sarcasm while feeling ire begin to rise inside of me like a tsunami gathering strength before it crashes to shore.

“I’m not… I’m not a complete man.”

“What?” I ask disbelief freezing me as I stare at him sure that I misheard what he said.

“When she left, she said that I’m only half a man now. One that will always need taken care of on some level. I’m not good enough for you, Si. This can’t happen. I won’t let it - no matter….no matter…”

“No matter what?”

He ignores the question, “I can only be your friend, again, if you’ll have me.”

I shake my head as if it will dislodge the words that have penetrated my ears, “I’d say you’re joking, but this isn’t fucking funny.”

“I wasn’t trying to be.”

“You losing part of your leg does not make you less of a man. That’s ludicrous.”

“I disagree.”

“You’re wrong.”

“No, I’m not, and I won’t entertain a discussion about this further.”

“Excuse me?”

“Look, I’ve had a lot of time to get used to, the way things are now. You just found out. You think you can deal with this, but you can’t.”

“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t deal with. You’re not the only one that’s been through some hard things over the years.”

“I know. I wasn’t trying to disregard your feelings and your losses. And I’ve never gotten to tell you in person that I’m sorry about the loss of your mom.”

“Thank you, but that has nothing to do with anything right now.”

“No, but it needed to be said nevertheless.”

“Blake, we need to talk about this.”

“I can’t. Not right now. I need to get back to the house. Mandy and I are having a late dinner.”

“Blake,” I take a step toward him and reach out. He jerks away from my touch, making me freeze into place, hurt lancing my heart.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” he says and I can do nothing but watch him as he walks away from me while pain of a different kind enters my heart. Pain that he would think for one second that he’s not good enough for anyone, let alone me, takes my breath away.

Well, he’s about to get up close and personal with the woman I’ve become since he’s seen me last. I smile to myself, because he’s never going to know what hit him by the time I’m done. It’s way past time for things to finally work out for us. I refuse to lose him again. I barely survived it the first time.