unREASONable by Arya Matthews

Track 39

Marshall

“We have to re-record the song,” Shane declares as the microbus drives us through the dark neighborhoods of Portland.

Kiera, who rides back to the Nest with us, and Zach lean from the front seats to watch him swipe through his phone. Alexandra sits with me in the back, but she’s subdued, sipping water without commenting.

Shane manages to find a video of our new song on the Tube. Already. “You’ve got pipes, girl. Why were you hiding it before?”

I want to know that too.

“She hid it because she knew Marshall would be jealous and toss her out.” Zach guffaws.

I throw a handful of spicy Cheetos at him from a package I started earlier even though I know not a single one of the tiny orange spears will hit him. “I totally would’ve gotten jealous, but I don’t think I can toss her out. You all like her too much. I like her too much.” I look at Alexandra, my heart grinding to a halt. There, I admitted for all to hear that I like her.

Alexandra doesn’t seem to hear me. Or if she does, she ignores me. She brings her feet onto the seat and buries her face in her knees. I gently touch her arm near the elbow. “Alexandra?”

She bounds toward the front of the bus. “Pull over. I’m feeling sick.”

I guess the festival was a little too much. It happens. Big concerts can definitely be exhausting.

The minibus comes to an abrupt stop. Alexandra leaps out the doors and runs to the back. I follow her, but Kiera puts out her arm to block me. “Let her be. She just needs to cry by herself.”

“Cry? Why?” My eyes are glued to Alexandra’s silhouette outlined by the red glow of the back lights.

“Today’s not the best day for a show. It’s the first anniversary of her parents’ death.”

I feel like I got clunked in the head by a guitar. Shane did that to me multiple times throughout the years.

“Her parents’ what now?” CJ jumps in while my brain fails to relay words to my mouth.

“You forgot? It’s been a year since her parents died. Awful deaths. Burned in a fire.” Kiera’s mouth drops. “Wait. She didn’t tell you?”

I wish to die on the spot. Her comment on how I should know what it’s like to be an outsider, all her clinging to my bandmates, that agony I couldn’t understand during her performance… I should’ve understood.

Instead, I made it impossible for her to trust me, and the rest of the guys as well. The grief she must’ve been dealing with, all by herself, in a foreign country, away from everything familiar. The painful memories today, doubled with the anxiety brought on by her first show with us. How unbearable it must’ve been to have to go through that and do her best regardless of her feelings.

I should’ve been her foremost champion and protector, someone always to rely on, like CJ. I still can be. I will be if she’ll give me another chance. If I’m willing to put my friendship with CJ on the line.

I face my best friend. “You’re gonna hate me.”

He frowns. “I am?”

“I love her.”

I love her enough to throw years of friendship away. Well, not exactly. I simply don’t think I can survive the longing anymore. I need Alexandra to know how I feel, and if she hates me, permanently, I need to know that too. Otherwise I’ll be stuck in this nightmare forever.

CJ relaxes in his seat. “Tell me something I don’t already know.” He’s mocking me, but he’s not mad or threatening.

The rest of the people in the minibus stare at us in confusion. Whatever. It’s not about them. This is about…

I was wrong about everything. So, so wrong.

“I’m going to tell her,” I continue with CJ.

“Go for it,” he says with an encouraging wave of a hand.

“Please, do.” Zach pushes me to the steps. “Make this madness end.”

I hop out.

Alexandra stands at the tail end of the vehicle, leaning with her hand on the side and clutching her chest with the other. I close the short distance between us, wrap my arms around her, and hold her tight. “Don’t cry alone,” I whisper in her ear.

She shoves me away with all she’s got. “I’m not crying!”

Alexandra’s angry, but she really isn’t crying. It seems Kiera has misinterpreted the signs. That’s good—we know the truth now, but I wouldn’t have tried touching Alexandra just yet if I had an accurate estimate of her mood.

We stand quiet for a few seconds, then Alexandra leans her back on the minibus. “What?”

“Are you okay?” Well, that’s just brilliant. Considerate, yes, but dumb, and I’m playing it safe.

“I was until you showed up.”

That is such a loaded response. “Just now or in general?” I’m crossing some dangerous lines without proper backup.

“Both,” Alexandra groans, exasperated. “What am I going to do with you? Today you want me, tomorrow I’m nothing. You know what? I’m done with you. Done.”

She walks along the side of the road and leaves the bus behind.

I follow her as fear, cold and acidic, spikes my blood, and blurt out, “Even if I say I love you?”

Still walking, Alexandra laughs. “You? Love me? Please! How could you love me? You’ve done your best to make my life a living nightmare. And you’ve made it abundantly clear that you have no interest in me. You let your best friend kiss me like it was nothing. On lyubit menya.”

He loves me.

“I do love you!” I dash to bar her way. “Please. I’m guilty of all the things you’ve listed, but I need to explain. Pozhaluista.”

Alexandra sighs and looks up at the dark sky. “Will it change anything?”

I can’t say because I don’t know, but I really, really hope so. I have to try to make things right between us.

She waves for me to continue, although the skeptical line of her pursed lips hints abundantly at her doubts and impatience.

“A lot of things I’m going to say will sound like I’m blaming everything on you, but I want you to know that I don’t think any of it is your fault. It’s been me the whole time. Completely irrational and idiotic and…and…afraid.”

Alexandra’s eyes simmer with unease. She’s far from convinced.

“I admit, I really disliked you at first. I was worried you’d ruin us. Later, even when I knew you could hold your own with the bass, I still resisted accepting that you belong with us. I just wanted everything the way it was. Project Viper was already perfect for me. I only agreed to try a new bassist because I thought we’d get some ugly dude, not a mind-blowing, strong-willed girl. But you? You are unbelievable. Fearless, kind, beautiful. And you scolded me for being a bully. Then Halloween changed everything.”

“Changed everything how? You refused to acknowledge it ever happened.”

I take a risk and wrap a lock of her hair around my index finger. I realize I can’t stop myself from playing with her hair any time I get a chance. “I fell for you then.”

Alexandra scoffs. “You fell in love with me, so you let your best friend kiss me.”

“Let him? I didn’t know he was going to do that. And if I did, what did you expect me to do? Tie him up and drop him in the desert somewhere?” I explode even though I’m on the apologizing end of things. “You and CJ are always so close, it’s impossible to not assume that the two of you have something going on. He hugs you, tells you he loves you, kisses you, and you reciprocate.”

Alexandra releases a deep sigh. “You thought I’m in love with CJ after all.”

“Are you?” Give me a straight answer. Please.

She tilts her head and narrows her eyes. “No. Thank you for finally asking. He’s like a brother I never had. That’s all.”

“I know the feeling,” I say.

The minibus headlights shine on us. Alexandra hides her hands in her hoodie pockets and kicks at the gravel underneath our feet. The low rumble of the idling engine distracts me from figuring out how to breach this round of silence.

“I’m not asking you to forgive me, but I’ll say it anyway. I’m sorry, Alexandra. I never meant to be so…absurd. I never meant to hurt you.”

She will never forgive me. I might never forgive myself either. I could’ve been happy. We could’ve been happy.

The silence suffocates me.

Alexandra sighs. “I wish you had just talked to me. So much nonsense could’ve been avoided. Don’t ever do anything like this again. I won’t forgive you next time. I’m not entirely sure I can this time.”

Her words float through my ears like fairy dust.

Next time.

Alexandra’s still mad at me, but she gives me hope. I scoop her into my arms and kiss her, fully ready for a smacking. Alexandra gasps and digs her fingers into my shoulders but doesn’t try to move away. I kiss her cheeks, her eyes, her nose, her chin. Her hands find their way to my neck and urge me closer, returning every kiss with desperation that matches mine.

“Nu ty i durak,” she says with a giggle.

You’re such a fool.

Lightheaded with euphoria, I smile back. “Fair enough. But stop clinging to CJ. Or Zach. Or anyone. You have me.”

Alexandra raises a challenging eyebrow. “I’ll do whatever I want, Marshall Jones. You’d better remember that. And I love you, not CJ. You’d better remember that as well.”

I kiss her again and again, until we both can’t breathe, then some more. She claims me, and I surrender without a moment’s thought. Alexandra’s lips eradicate all thoughts other than I’m happy to rip my heart out of its cushy protective envelope. It’s the scariest thing I’ve done in years, but for her, I’m not afraid of anything, even changing.

“I love you,” I say through the kisses, never moving my lips away from hers. “Love you, love you, love—”

“Okay, okay!” Zach hollers through the microbus door. “Can we get going again? Please?”