Grand Love by JC Hawke

19

Nina

I’manxious as I climb from the Audi. I’ve barely said a word to Vinny on the drive over, although he has had plenty to say to me.

You wouldn’t believe that I struggled to get a word from him when we first met. No, now I have this brute of a man, giving me advice, and trying to always steer me to the right path. I love him for it, but if he tells me everything is going to be alright one more time, I might just snap.

“You want me to come up?”

I turn to him and find Ellis already out of the car and in his arms, the changing bag on his shoulder.

“What if I want to leave?” I swallow the bile that rises in my throat, then lift my shaking hand to smooth my hair off my face.

“You won’t leave, but I’ll be right here, okay? I have emails to catch up on anyway.”

I nod. He has told me this already. I lean in to take Ellis. “Thank you, Vin.”

“You’re going to be just fine, my girl.” He places a kiss on my hair before I turn towards the elevators.

“Shall we go see Daddy?” I smile down at Ellis.

“Da, Da, Da, Da.”

The temperature has dropped, so I move quickly to the elevators to get Ellis out of the cold. With nerves fighting their way up my throat, I take my time to key in the code that Vinny gave me. Before I step inside, I turn and call over to him, “You go home, Vinny. Don’t wait out here.”

He dips his head, a smile tipping his lip up. “See you a bit later, love.”

I’ve seemed to have lost the confidence I had in the gym yesterday, and I’m pretty sure it has everything to do with the penthouse, but I know I need to do this. I want to.

The keypad flashes green and Ellis bounces in my arms.

I give myself a pep talk on the ride up. I need to do this for Scar. She wants him at the ball, and I want to fix my family.

I can do this.

The doors ping open, and Mason is standing right there, waiting.

He’s wearing a fitted navy button-down shirt and suit pants. His sleeves are rolled up at the arms, but the man is anything but casual. I don’t know if the sight of him puts me at ease or sends me further up the anxiety ladder.

“Hi,” he says, flashing me with that killer smile.

I dip my head. “Hi.”

“You look lovely this evening. I appreciate the change of attire from last night.”

My head lifts at that, a smile playing on my lips. “Better than my work clothes?”

“Hmm, just a very different kind of perfect tonight.” He eyes his son who sits in my arms, hugging me tight.

My wide grin seems to encourage Mason’s, and the tension is momentarily gone.

“You two coming in?” he asks, flicking his head behind him.

Stepping out of the elevator, I’m instantly immersed in everything Mason. The penthouse is big—bigger than a man and his child could ever need, but it’s every bit of the home I’ve always wanted. I don’t know if that’s because of the way it feels being here, or because of the fact that it’s where I fell in love with Mason—the home we started to build our family in.

“Do you want a drink?”

He asked me that on my first night here. The night he brought me home. The first night I slept in his bed. He wouldn’t touch me. I remember the need I felt to have his hands on me.

“A drink would be good, thank you.” I let the air caught up in my lungs whoosh out of me as I will myself to calm down.

Without paying much attention to my surroundings, I follow him into the kitchen. Everything is the same in here, and Ellis instantly tries to get out of my arms.

“Do you want to put him in his chair?” Mason tips his head to the high chair at the end of the island. I place Ellis into the seat and strap him in. I can’t help but notice that it’s top of the range and branded. I turn and stop short, coming face-to-face with a bouquet of roses.

“I got you these.” He hands me the arrangement awkwardly and I stare at them in surprise. He got me flowers. “Is wine okay?”

“Yeah. Wine’s fine.” The knot in my stomach seems to bound up tighter again. “Thank you so much, Mason. This is so thoughtful.”

He watches me as I place the flowers on the counter and lower myself to the chair at the island. My hands twist in my lap. I wish I suggested we eat out, or maybe even at mine again. The conversation seemed to flow between us better at mine.

I wonder how long it will be before I call Vinny.

“Why are you so nervous?” he asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

“I’m not.” I bring my hand up to pinch along my collarbone, his eyes trailing my movements.

Rounding the counter, he places my wine in front of me letting his chest brush my back. “You have no reason to be nervous, Nina.”

I lift my chin, looking at him over my shoulder. “I don’t?”

His eyes seem to darken, and I can’t help but want him to tell me to be afraid. That I should be nervous. His tongue darts out, wetting his bottom lip. “Can you feel that?”

“What?” I frown, flicking my gaze to Ellis who watches us from his high chair.

Mason follows my line of sight, his chest growing bigger—stronger at my back.

His heart pounds rapidly against me.

My eyes flutter closed, my body going lax. I haven’t felt this man in so long.

“You petrify me, Pix.”

He’s gone before I can reply. Moving around the island again and putting distance between us.

“Dinner will be here soon. I thought we could eat and then maybe you’d like to put Ellis to bed?”

“Sure.” I glance around the kitchen, noticing the baby bottles and other small additions. I wonder what else has changed.

“You want to go have a look around?”

“No,” I answer quickly, puffing out a nervous laugh.

“It wouldn’t be weird if you did, I know you loved it here.” He says it so relaxed that you wouldn’t believe his heart was racing just like mine moments ago. He’s calm, controlled and confident.

“Loved. Past tense,” I murmur.

Our eyes lock.

“Loved, and then a lot of shit happened.” His face softens. “How about we agree to not talk about that whilst Ellis is up?” he suggests.

I nod, my eyes stupidly betraying me and getting prickly.

“Any plans for the weekend?” he asks, clearly unsure what to say and catching me off guard. I can’t tell him about my plans for the weekend. Now isn’t the time to ask him to the ball.

“Are we really at the awkward chitchat stage?” I smile, probably looking like a complete goof as I fight to keep my hands still in my lap.

“Well, I can’t exactly bend you over the kitchen island now, can I,” he deadpans.

“Umm. Oh. I…” I’m pretty sure I am a bright shade of pink because I did not expect that. We’re on completely different pages right now.

Mason only shakes his head, busying himself at the sink. I’m pretty sure it’s so he doesn’t have to talk to me or bend me over the counter? Jesus, this man is hot and cold and sometimes fucking icy. I can’t keep up.

I’m certain it’s this penthouse. It’s throwing me off. I need to snap out of it.

The buzzer sounds for the reception, and I jump up straight away, knowing it’s our food. “I’ll go!” I rush from the room, taking long strides to the elevator and telling myself internally to chill the hell out.

I pull up the girls’ group chat.

Nina: I AM FREAKING OUT!! Everything is so much harder being here

Luce: Give it a chance Nina you’ve not been there long have you?? It’s only 6!!

Nina: He told me he wanted to bend me over the kitchen island

Megan: So what’s the problem?

Luce: He didn’t want her last week

Nina: Exactly!

Nina: He’s giving me whiplash

Megan: I need to go get me some of that whiplash

Fucking idiot.

Luce: Use Ellis it’s why you’re supposed to be there

Luce: A couple hours and you will be more relaxed

Luce: Have a glass of wine!!

Nina: I have wine

I look over my shoulder making sure he doesn’t sneak up on me while I hide out in the foyer.

Megan: Did you ask him about Saturday yet?

Nina: Not yet! I’ve barely said a word

Megan: Come on my little butt slut!!! What happened to the queen who I dropped off at the gym yesterday morning?

Luce: She has a point

Nina: You think I should come back at him?

Megan: DUH

Luce: A little… maybe once Ellis is in bed?

Luce: At your own pace though. DO NOT force it

I don’t have to force the connection between Mason and I that’s for sure.

Megan: You’re forgetting that he was your man once. Go get his balls and wear them as earrings

Luce: Pretty sound advice Megs

Megan: Right???

Nina: Are you two at home together?

Luce: Yup!

Megan: Yup

Scarlet: Sorry, girls. I just finished studying. What have I missed?

I leave the girls to fill Scarlet in and go to reception to get the food.

Mason is laying the cutlery on the table in the living area when I enter the penthouse and Ellis is sitting at the head of the table.

“He sits in your seat?”

Mason’s smile is full of pride. “Of course. He’s the boss around here now.”

I pop a brow. “Is that so?”

“For the majority of the time, yes.”

Biting my lip, I pull open the bag letting the delicious smells assault me. “Hmmm, you ordered Italian?”

“I thought Ellis would like the lasagne. I got you the meatballs.”

My mouth waters and I take a seat next to Mason at the table.

“I got you another wine.”

I smooth my hands over my thighs where he can’t see. “Thank you.”

Ellis sits quietly in his chair, and I wish for once I had a fussy baby. Simply because it would give me something to do. He sits patiently waiting for Mason to feed him another mouthful.

I don’t allow the silence to stretch, nervously jumping in and blurting the first thing that comes to me.

“So, have you spoken to Scarlet recently?” I ask, taking a mouthful and then wiping at my lips with my napkin. I inwardly cringe at my topic of choice, but I need to put some feelers out to know where we stand on the ball. The sooner he knows, the better. If I had it my way we wouldn’t keep it from him.

“You know I haven’t,” he calls me out, throwing me a smile and offering me a lifeline.

“Sorry.” I take a sip of wine, trying to find anything else to talk about.

“I plan on going to see her soon.”

“You do?” I lean forward in my seat, invested in his every word. “I came here tonight hoping it meant maybe you’d want to come to the estate with us the next time we go?” I force my hand to stay in my lap again, annoyed with myself that I’ve even lied.

Maybe I’m not lying exactly, but I know that in about an hour’s time I’m going to ask him to the ball, and he will be thinking about how I prepped him for it. God, if only this was a trashy romance novel, and I could hit backspace on my stupid words.

“I’m actually looking forward to it.”

“You are?” I ask, surprised.

“Yeah. I don’t know how much of the estate you’ve shown Ellis, but I want to show him it too.”

Well, this is progress!

I nod, watching as he feeds our son another mouthful. “I could never do it justice. You should definitely do that.”

“I’m worried about Scarlet,” he admits, running his tongue across the front of his teeth.

I give him a soft pitiful smile. “Scar’s doing okay.”

He looks over his shoulder at me, his concern clear in his eyes. “I appreciate you being there for her this last year. She never would have gotten through it without you.”

“What about you? What got you through it?”

His jaw goes tight, and I know exactly what—or should I say who—got him through it. “A lot of shit happened, Mase.” I throw his words back at him as I carry on eating, giving him an out I’m not even sure he deserves.

* * *

Mase

After cleaningup the dinner dishes, I find Nina leant against the doorframe of Ellis’s room. A frown marred across her forehead as she stands deep in thought.I’m so glad I had the wall knocked out to join our rooms. It’s been a godsend whilst he’s been teething, and I want to keep an eye on him. It gives us our own space without being apart.

I walk up beside her and look into the room.

Sensing her thoughts, I give her an inch, hoping it’s enough.

“I never brought women up here. Not even at my worst.” I can feel her eyes burning through the side of my face, but I don’t dare look at her. “I couldn’t.”

“Why are you telling me this?” she asks, her tone much softer than I expect.

Leaning against the frame opposite her, I lift my eyes to hers. She looks devastated.

“Not to hurt you.”

She sniggers, shaking her head.

Taking her chin, I lift her face to mine. “I need to be honest with you.”

“Not with this.” Her eyes shine, and I get that feeling in my chest. The painful ache that feels like I’m breaking in two. I know we need to do this.

“I’m sorry, Nina.”

“Because you did it or because I found out?”

I let my hand fall away. “You left me.”

She nods, rolling her lips. “So you slept with a horde of women to what? Fix that?”

“Forget, Nina. I did it to forget.”

“Did it work?”

“No.” I drop my head, feeling ashamed. “But I don’t regret it.” Pushing off the frame, I step into her, crowding her. “I never would have survived you, Nina Anderson.” I push her hair off her face. “I still worry I won’t.” I shrug.

“It’s not about surviving, Mase.”

“No?” I laugh in question.

She shakes her head vehemently. “No.”

“Tell me then. What’s it about?”

She lifts her chin, her eyes sure. “Reason.”

I frown. “Reason?”

She dips her head in the direction of Ellis who’s tucked up asleep in his cot. “A reason to be good, a reason to not hurt the people you love because you hurt, and a reason to be the best version of yourself, no matter how badly we feel like we’re drowning.”

“I didn’t have Ellis when you left, I never had a reason.”

“Ellis wasn’t my reason back then, Mason, you were. I believed in you even after everything that happened.”

“Nothing happened.” I scrub my hand down over my face, stepping away from her.

“I didn’t know that then. And I never would’ve been able to get the images out of my mind if I stayed. Could you?”

Could I?

Live my life with the image of another man with her.

No. No, I fucking couldn’t.

“I needed time, Mason, and I’m sorry for that.”

“I know.” I scrub my hand over my face again, feeling agitated.

She spins around in the room that was once ours and chuckles to herself, falling back onto the bed. Her chest shakes, and I fight to keep my eyes glued to her face.

“Am I missing something?” I stand with my hands on my hips, wondering if she has lost it.

Looking up at me, she starts to laugh harder. She’s infectious, and my cheek tics. “No. I don’t think so. It’s just funny, isn’t it? Us. What a mess.”

She continues to chuckle to herself, so I bend down and scoop her up.

“Mase!” she whisper-shouts, jolting up in my arms.

“Shhh, you’ll wake Ellis.” That, and if I don’t get her off my bed and into safer territory soon, I might end up completely and utterly fucked. Literally.

I carry her out onto the terrace, dropping her onto a lounger. “I’m going to go get us some drinks. Unless you wanted to leave?”

Her eyes dart around my face and I sense that she wants to go, but something keeps her here.

“No, I’ll stay. But just one drink.”

* * *

She’s standingat the railings when I come back out to the terrace, looking out across the city.

“My son has spent more time in this penthouse than I have,” she tells me, placing one of Ellis’s lost dummies on top of the wall.

“That bothers you?” I place her wine next to it, and she turns her head to look at me.

“Only that I wasn’t with him too.”

“You’re all around us here, I made sure of it.”

“Not in the way that counts.” A tear rolls down her cheek and I reach out to swipe it. “I never wanted my children to grow up like I did. A broken home. The confusion and unanswered questions.”

I instantly regret leaving her out here. It gave her too much room to think. “Ellis won’t have that.”

“Won’t he? Because he might not understand right now, but one day he’s going to grow up, and then what?”

“We call Auntie Luce and Uncle Elliot.” I smirk, giving her a soft wink.

“You’re an idiot,” she chokes the words out with a smile, wiping at her eyes and pulling back her shoulders.

Brushing herself off, like she always does.

I open out the blanket I brought out and wrap her in it. “You know, if you count the days, months even, that you spent living inside my mind.” I reach under her top, smoothing my hand over the soft skin of her stomach. “Then I reckon you’ve both spent nearly the same amount of time here.”

Leaning against her, I whisper into her ear, “We all missed things we wish we didn’t, Nina. We can’t change the past” —I flatten my palm on her hip as my finger traces one of the thin scars at the bottom of her stomach— “but we can make right now whatever we want it to be for him.”

“I want Ellis to have more—more than we both had.”

“I know,” I tell her, dropping my head to rest on her shoulder. “I want that too.”

“Mase, there’s a memorial ball for your parents on Saturday night, it’s at the estate and everyone has been too afraid to ask you,” she blurts out.

I tense, trying to process her words but she doesn’t give me more than a second before she is firing off again.

“I’ll be there, Ellis too. Vinny is going to be watching him in the house.” She turns in my arms. “It would mean the world to your sister if you came.” She rolls her lips. “It would mean the world to me if you came.” She searches my face for any hint of a reaction, completely and utterly unaware that I would set the world on fire for her. “Ellis too,” she adds, trying to hook me.

I step away from her, waiting for her to take the blanket from my grip and then letting it go.

“Okay.” I nod.

“Okay?” She rears back.

“I’ll go to the memorial thing.”

She has that look on her face. Like the time I told her I was allergic to dogs.

“You will?”