Illicit Affairs by Holly Dixon

Thirty

His black tailoredjacket hung open over his white shirt with dark buttons, a red pocket square tucked into the chest piece as Nate pushed his way into the elevator beside her.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Ava pushed off of the wall and went to move past him, but he had other ideas as his arm hooked her waist and swept her back inside. “Have you lost your damn mind, Brooks?!”

He didn’t answer her as his finger jabbed the up button, his hand pulling at the black bowtie strangling his neck and popping a button on his collar so he could catch his breath after sprinting up a flight of stairs.

“I’ve let you walk away from me more than once. I ain’t letting you do it again.” Nate took shallow breaths, his eyes squinting as sweat glistened upon his creased brow.

“You can’t hold me here against my will!”

“Wanna bet?” he challenged, stepping closer to her but stopping short as the walls of the elevator changed. As they ascended, London’s skyline came into view, the city lights dotted around in a bokeh haze against the glass.

That was when it dawned on Nate: elevators and heights, his two biggest fears.

“Are you okay?” Ava frowned, watching him take a step back as though he were wounded, his hand gripping the metal railing for support.

“Yeah,” he ground out through his teeth as his hands attempted to bend the rail. “I just hate elevators…and heights.” His face grew paler, adrenaline coursing through his veins like ice, making him light-headed. The fight or flight kicked in, making him feel like a caged bull stuck inside this metal deathtrap. However, then his worst nightmare unfolded as the elevator stopped short and made a whirring powering-down noise that made his stomach sink. He breathed out as though he had been punched in the gut, his first instinct to reach for Ava, but then he saw what she was doing… Her finger was pressed against the red button on the control panel. “What are you doing?!”

“What? You clearly wanted to talk so let’s talk.” Ava shrugged, feigning innocence.

“Yeah, not in here!” Nate’s voice cracked in panic, and he felt as though if he tried to step towards her right now that his jelly legs would surely collapse.

“Oh, look, you can see Big Ben!” she chirped, peering out the window.

“Ava, stop.” Nate gawked at her, having no idea why she was being so twisted, his heart thudding inside his throat as he clenched his eyes shut and panted for the air they were running out of in this confined metal coffin.

“What? Is it not fun being held against your will, Nathaniel?” Her voice was sweeter than sugar but colder than ice.

“Okay, you’ve made your fucking point!” he said, reluctantly opening his eyes and nodding towards the control panel, pleading with her to release him from this hell.

However, she made no attempt to move, crossing her arms as she rested her back against the glass.

“Why did you do that?” she asked with a cold and detached voice. “Making such a godawful scene and putting me in a position that could ruin everything for me?”

She seriously wanted to do this right now?

His legs were beginning to shake as the blood left his limbs and a cold clamminess spread across his body. “He had his hands all over your body!” he said after sucking in a deep breath to try to rationalise the anxiety flooding his system.

“We were dancing, Nate!”

“You were provoking me!” he barked back at her, his voice rattling the tin can they were suspended in. “You weren’t just dancing, you were making a fucking point!”

“I thought he was you!” Ava blurted, throwing her hands in the air and shrugging her shoulders.

“Oh, like hell ya did!” he seethed, channelling his fear into anger as the veins pulsed at his temples and bulged upon his neck. He could see himself in the reflection of the glass, looking unhinged with his bowtie hanging loosely around his neck, his dark hair curlier from the dampness of sweat clinging to his scalp.

“And what about you,hm? It’s alright for you to provoke me when flirting with a woman who is half your age?”

“That woman is running the pop-up casino to raise money for charity! I was making a fucking donation, Ava!” Nate attempted to push himself off of the railing but faltered when his knees trembled. “Why the hell would ya even care if I did flirt with her? You made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me!”

“Th-that’s not the fucking point!” Ava screeched, her nails clawing through her hair as her blue orbs sliced into him and she quickly fumbled to steer the conversation back on track. “I could ask you the same bloody question; why the hell would you care if I flirt with or even fuck Peter? Why would that even matter to you—you’re married!”

“Because I don’t fucking love my wife, I love you!”Nate erupted, the words bursting from his mouth as though they had been pressurised beneath the surface for weeks, his fist rattling the glass cage as he struck the window.

It took a lot to render Ava speechless. She wasn’t one to bite her tongue in a heavy conversation, but Nate had just obliterated all rational thoughts from her mind and left her with fewer words than a mime artist.

She stared at him slumped against the glass and gripping the rail behind him, barely recognisable from that day in the office where they first met. His dishevelled demeanour now revealed the vulnerability he did well to hide behind his masquerade of dominance and cool resolve. Somehow, she had reduced his iron fortress into transparent and fragile glass, a mirror that reflected her own vulnerability.

Ava always pushed herself away from what made her uncomfortable, her biggest fear being that of loneliness. She realised early in life when watching loneliness cripple her father that in order to conquer her fear, she simply had to embrace it, and from that moment on, she never let anyone get close enough to use her weakness against her.

Now her mind was fighting a losing battle between her head and heart as not one ounce of her didn’t believe the rawness of his confession. The only part she struggled to trust was his marriage; his description of it felt farfetched and immoral. Why would anyone stay trapped in a union that didn’t make them happy? Money could only buy you so much joy, it was something she knew well.

The man before her look crippled, not from sadness or fear, but from the very thing that Ava had avoided her whole life. Nate was crippled by the loneliness he had made for himself.

Call it weakness, call it primal urges, desire, lust, or downright drunken intoxication, but married or not, Ava didn’t just want Nathaniel Brooks, she needed him. She needed him to fill the void of loneliness that only made itself known when he walked into her life.

Ava’s guard didn’t drop, it crumbled like a detonating building as she crossed the line and dived into sin. Her hands grasped the face of a married man and let go of her morals as her lips greedily stole his.

Nate blinked, his brain taking a second to register what was happening. All fear dissolved from his body through the kiss as his hands wrapped around the only thing that gave him strength. Kissing her was like a butterfly landing on your shoulder or a small bird eating out of your palm.

As she stretched up and looped her arms around his neck, his own wrapped around her body and brought her close to him as though trying to knit her soul into his. He no longer cared for his fears, feeling infinite in this moment with her as he pressed Ava against the glass window and allowed his heart to speak its truth through the kiss.

They knew right from wrong, but the problem now was that as their lips moulded together…wrong suddenly felt so incredibly right.