Hapi by Cari Waites

Another gloomy day dawned.Jayden woke to the sounds of voices down the hall in the kitchen and the faint clatter and scrape of dishes and cutlery. He was alone in Hapi’s bed. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment, listening to the thrum of rain on the roof, and pressed gently at the fresh bruises around his throat. The dull pain was a memory of sharper pleasures. He shivered as his blood sang and a thrill of sleepy arousal warmed him. It faded away as he heard the voices again and remembered that these men were going to kill him. It left a hollow space inside him that he expected to be flooded with fear but nothing came.

Maybe he was beyond fear, at least for now.

He climbed out of bed and dressed in his board shorts and T-shirt, wincing at the still-damp and muddy fabric that stuck to his skin as he pulled them on. Then he sat on the floor and watched the rain through the window. He could fit through that window, probably, but it was nothing more than an idle thought. The dogs would find him. They’d proved that.

Outside, a door slammed.

A kettle whistled.

Somebody laughed.

Such everyday sounds, and Jayden closed his eyes for a moment and pretended that Horus and his sons weren’t monsters. Maybe, in another life, Jayden lived in a house with a family and woke every morning to sounds like these. In another life, maybe he had a father. Maybe he had brothers. Maybe he had a boyfriend whose bed he shared. Because if Horus and his sons were allowed their delusions, why shouldn’t Jayden have his?

He opened his eyes when he heard the measured tread of footsteps on the creaking hallway floorboards, and a moment later, the door opened.

Hapi leaned against the doorjamb and tilted his head toward the kitchen. “Come on. Breakfast.”

Jayden climbed to his feet, rolling his shoulders to ease the ache in the muscles in his back. He nodded at Hapi and trailed after him down the hallway and into the kitchen. He sat on one of the vinyl-cushioned chairs at the small table, and he smiled slightly when Hapi set a bowl of Rice Bubbles, a spoon, and a carton of milk in front of him. Then, Hapi sat own in the chair next to him, his jeans squeaking on the vinyl, and began to eat his own Rice Bubbles.

Something about the fact that Hapi was eating Rice Bubbles made Jayden want to laugh, but he only grinned instead and concentrated on eating since there was no way of telling when he’d be fed again.

“Do you remember when cereal boxes used to have puzzles on the back?” he asked. “Maybe they still do. Word searches and stuff for kids. But only on name brand cereals, not like the generic supermarket stuff.”

Hapi threw him a sidelong glance.

“When I was a kid my mum only ever got the supermarket brands,” Jayden said. “When we got cereal at all. I used to like it when we did because that meant there was something in the cupboard I could eat without having to figure out how to open a tin or use the stove. I was pretty little.” He dragged his spoon through the cereal and glanced at the dishes in the sink. “You have regular family breakfasts. I never even had those. That’s kind of weird. I wasn’t really expecting that.”

Hapi made a humming noise. “You talk a lot.”

A sliver of fear twisted through Jayden. “You don’t want me to talk?”

Hapi narrowed his eyes. “That’s not what I said.”

Jayden’s breath caught. “You want me to talk?”

Hapi’s mouth twitched and he hummed again.

“I was going to Cairns to look for my dad,” Jayden said. “I don’t even know if he’s still there anymore, or if he’d want to see me even if he was. I kept telling myself that it was to close the door on my past, but it was a lie, you know?”

Hapi’s gaze held his.

“I wanted….” His throat ached. “I wanted a family.” He swallowed. “I’m not stupid. I know my dad probably isn’t a good guy and that even if I’d found him, chances are he wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with me. But knowing it didn’t kill the hope, you know? I tried to pretend that hope wasn’t there, but it was. It always was.”

Hapi reached out and briefly laid a hand on his shoulder, his fingertips grazing the fresh bruises he’d left on Jayden’s throat last night.

“And you have a family,” Jayden said. “You have cereal and plates in the sink and a bathroom you all have to share. A room where you all watch TV. And none of that is special—most people have that—but at the same time it is. Because when you’re not most people, it’s like watching the world from behind a window that you can’t figure out how to break.”

You’re a bunch of serial killers who think you’re gods, he wanted to say, and I’mstill jealous of what you have.

“I’m so messed up.” He laughed suddenly and set his spoon down. “Because you know what?”

Hapi shrugged.

Jayden shook his head. “Because just when I think I have you all figured out, I remember that I don’t know how that cat got across the river.”

It wasn’t real, it couldn’t be real, but the cat had crossed the river.

* * *

After breakfast,Hapi took Jayden into the bathroom and turned the shower on for him. Then he gestured at Jayden to strip. Jayden did so gladly, moaning in delight when the warm water hit him. He helped himself to bottle of gel from the rusty caddy hanging over the showerhead and cleaned himself properly for the first time since he’d been here. Mud and grime sluiced off him under his sweeping palms. He washed his hair with the gel, too, grimacing at how greasy and gritty it was.

Hapi sat on the toilet seat, his dark gaze fixed on Jayden in the shower. Jayden ran his hands over his chest, standing straighter and pulling his shoulders back to give Hapi a teasing show. What was it he’d thought in the kitchen? That this was messed up. Fucked up, more like, but nobody had ever wanted Jayden before, let alone staked a claim, and it wasn’t as though anyone ever would have the chance again. Jayden was allowed to enjoy this, wasn’t he?

His eyes stung with tears under the stream of warm water. He wished he could hate Hapi, but it was pointless. Hating him wouldn’t change anything. Hell, Jayden couldn’t even hate the other brothers. It wasn’t their fault Horus had raised them on this twisted bullshit. They were caught the same way Jayden was, even though they hadn’t been assigned the role of the victim—the soul.

Jayden’s fingers brushed against the bite mark on his stomach, and he saw Hapi’s gaze narrow and his lip curl. Jayden’s scant arousal flooded away.

Okay, so maybe he hated Duamutef. He certainly feared him.

He washed off the suds and then turned the shower off. The old pipes squealed and shuddered.

Hapi tossed him a towel, and he caught it.

All this morning’s strange equilibrium drained away down the plughole with the last of water and left him feeling small and afraid. He dried himself in the shower in a series of jerking motions, and then he stepped out onto the tiles. His gaze fell on his filthy clothes, and Hapi grunted and shook his head.

“Come on,” he said and opened the bathroom door.

Jayden held the towel around himself as he followed Hapi back to his room. He sat on the bed while Hapi rummaged through his cupboard and eventually produced a pair of track pants and a T-shirt. The track pants hung loosely from Jayden’s hips, and the shirt was a couple of sizes too big. They were clean, though, and felt luxurious.

“Come on,” Hapi said again.

They went into the room with the TV, and Hapi sat on the floor and leaned back against the couch. He reached for the remote control and turned the TV on. He surfed the channels for a moment, finding a replay of a cricket match, and then drew his legs up and opened them, making a space for Jayden between his knees.

Jayden sat down in front of him, and Hapi’s arms came around him and drew him close. Hapi was big and warm and solid, and he nuzzled the back of Jayden’s neck. Jayden tried to sink into the pleasurable sensations, but he felt as though he’d somehow fallen out of sync. Like watching through a window he couldn’t break, he’d told Hapi earlier. He wanted to like this, but the kinder Hapi was, the harder it was for Jayden to pretend he didn’t know there was a nightmare coming.

If it was just them….

And that was it. That was the nightmare. Jayden was no longer afraid of Hapi, but everything that happened here, even Hapi’s strange tenderness, was nothing but a prelude to his death.

He closed his eyes and tried to push everything out of his mind except Hapi’s touch. Hapi kissed the back of his neck and held one of his arms against Jayden’s chest. His fingertips brushed Jayden’s collarbone, tugging the loose neckband of the shirt down so that he could brush naked skin. His other hand rested on Jayden’s thigh, rubbing circles there. Jayden could feel Hapi’s erection against his lower back. It made him feel both hot and cold at once.

“You were watching me, weren’t you?” he asked softly. “You saw me fall in the river.”

“Mmm.” Hapi’s fingertips explored the dip of his collarbone. “I was on the river.”

“In the rain?”

“Doesn’t bother me,” Hapi murmured.

“Lucky for me, I guess,” Jayden said, but was it? If Hapi hadn’t been there, Jayden would be dead, but he wouldn’t be here. Except Hapi said he was dead, too, so he was dead either way, right? It made his head ache just trying to think it through because he always came back to that cat. That impossible fucking cat. “Barry said that it takes ages to get to your place by road. That you have to go a long way before you get to a bridge, I guess. And that’s why you use your boat to cross the river, and you keep your ute near the caravan park.”

Hapi hummed in agreement.

“So there’s no other way across the river?”

“There’s no other way.”

God, he’d been so sure the cat was the same one from the caravan park, but what if it wasn’t? What if that was the answer and he’d been too fucking dumb to see it before now? Okay, so he’d been sure the cat was the same one because of the torn ear and the crooked tail, but what was more likely? That this really was some kind of staging area for the afterlife, where he was waiting to be judged by a bunch of gods he’d never even heard of, or that there were two similar looking cats who’d gotten the same injuries at some point in their lives?

The fact that Jayden still couldn’t land wholeheartedly on the side of there being two cats terrified him. The fact that there was even room for doubt? He was losing his fucking mind.

Hapi rubbed circles on Jayden’s thigh, his hand moving closer and closer to Jayden’s dick on each rotation, and Jayden shivered and let his legs fall open.

“What… what do you and your brothers do all day?” he asked, opening his eyes. “Do you have jobs?”

Hapi’s mouth quirked. “No.”

“When I first wondered about you, I thought maybe you were growing a crop or something,” Jayden said. His eyes widened at Hapi’s faint smirk. “Shit! You are! You’re growing marijuana!”

He wondered why he was so surprised. It wasn’t the most dangerous thing he knew about them. And then he realised the problem was the jarring dissonance again. Why would gods have to grow drugs? What did they need money for? Why would they need groceries, and bags of ice, and Rice Bubbles? Jesus, how did they continue to believe any of this when it had to be right in front of their faces that they were just men?

The floorboards creaked.

“Don’t spill all our secrets, Hapi.”

Jayden jolted upright when he saw Horus leaning in the doorway, but Hapi pulled him back down again. Horus smiled at him.

“He has no one to tell,” Hapi said.

Horus’s curious gaze travelled over Jayden like a rush of cold air. “I thought you would have beaten the shit out of him for what he tried last night.”

The hand on Jayden’s thigh stilled.

“No,” Hapi said at last. “Not this one.”

Horus’ smile tightened, and his eyes brightened with malice as his gaze caught Jayden’s, and then he turned and walked away.

Jayden’s heart beat faster, and he reached down and took the hand that rested on his thigh. He curled his fingers through Hapi’s and squeezed gently, and then he raised their hands to his throat.

“Just hold,” he said. “Don’t choke me. Just hold me.”

Hapi’s fingers curled around his throat, and Jayden’s heartbeat rediscovered its regular rhythm.

“Can you feel my pulse?”

Hapi hummed and pressed his mouth to Jayden’s temple. “Like a bird in a cage.”

“Is that what a soul is?” Jayden asked, and thought of his lungs spread wide like wings. “Does judging me set it free?”

Hapi hummed again.

“But what if I don’t want that?” Jayden asked softly. “What if I don’t want to go to your heaven? What if I want to stay here with you?”

He felt Hapi’s breath catch. “Impossible.”

“I can want it, though,” Jayden said, lifting his chin to feel Hapi’s grip tighten slightly. “Why do I always have to keep moving on? I’m tired of that. When my mum was alive, we moved around a lot because we were always getting thrown out of places. I’m tired of it. I just want someplace that’s mine.”

Someone that’s mine.

Hapi shifted his grip higher, curling his fingers around Jayden’s jaw and turning his face toward him. He captured Jayden’s mouth in a soft kiss. “You are a soul, Jayden. Duat isn’t for you. You must pass through here.”

“But I’m alive, Hapi,” Jayden said. He squirmed free of Hapi’s grasp, turned, and then straddled him. He held Hapi’s face between his hands. “I’m alive, Hapi, and so are you.”

He couldn’t read Hapi’s expression, not now and not ever, but he hoped the slight crinkle of his brow meant that he was at least listening.

“I know you don’t believe me,” Jayden said, “but I can feel it. I’m alive. We both are. And this place, whatever you call it, it’s the real world.”

Hapi shook his head slightly.

“I know there’s nothing I can say to make you change your mind,” Jayden said. “I know that.” He leaned down and kissed Hapi, tugging at his bottom lip with his teeth and swallowing Hapi’s moan. “But you promised me it wouldn’t hurt, remember?”

“I remember.”

“Please,” Jayden said. He blinked and his eyes stung with tears. “Because I’m so fucking scared, Hapi.”

“I remember,” Hapi said. “And I promise. I’ll make sure it doesn’t hurt.”

“Thank you,” Jayden whispered. He kissed him again, and Hapi gripped his hips tightly. “Thank you.”

Because he didn’t need a god to tell him that his time was running out.