Sacrificing his Highland Heart by Kenna Kendrick

Chapter Nineteen

Rose thought it took an age for her breath and heart to steady themselves again after Euan let her down. She watched him retie his breeches, and her mind slowly returned to the earth below. She reached out to touch the rough bark of the tree behind her, to remind her that she truly was in the real world and that it wasn’t just a dream. It seemed to happen in the space of a second, and her mind was still trying to understand how it had happened.

“Are ye all right, lass?” Euan said, and he gently touched her shoulder.

“Yes,” she said finally. She pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “I am very well.” Euan smiled at her. How was it that she had just given herself so entirely to a man she thought she hated? That she thought she would never come to think of as husband?

Nervously, she bit down on her lip. She added, “But I think it wise that we return to the festivities. What do you think?” She looked up at his handsome face, and she stilled her muscles, trying to keep from kissing him again. He looked even more attractive in his slightly disheveled state. Her lips and face felt raw from his kisses. She had never been kissed by a bearded man before or any man and never so thoroughly. After making love, she felt as if she was rushing up towards the stars and wondered what on earth Mrs. Drummond was talking about. She never told her that making love with a man could be like that: so earth-shattering. So, mind-crumbling and perfectly wonderful that it felt like being on the brink of heaven for a few blissful moments.

“I agree with ye. Besides, we might be able tae catch sight of Siobhan and Walter dancing taegether.” He chuckled, and Rose sighed with relief. They had made love, and Euan was still the same teasing man. She hoped that it wouldn’t change anything between them. They would have to endure each other for a long time. She didn’t want to make anything uncomfortable between them, like mentioning that they make love again. And again, and again. She was a little disappointed that she had been unable to catch a glimpse of his beautiful body.

“True.”

He offered her his arm again once they were settled. He even leaned over to pull a leaf from her hair. “I wouldnae want anyone tae ken what we have been up tae here,” he said in a whisper.

“Oh? Why not? We are married. People expect it.”

“They certainly do, but nae in a forest. I wouldnae want anyone tae ken that I didnae bed ye properly.” He frowned.

Well, you could do that at a later date.

She didn’t voice her thoughts. It was far too embarrassing just how much more she wanted him, but she wouldn’t have him know that yet. As they emerged from the forest and reentered the festival, Rose spotted Siobhan. “There they are!” she said, leaning in and getting another whiff of his scent, that musky, masculine smell mixed with woodsmoke.

He chuckled. “Well, will ye look at that? I think my old friend Siobhan is actually smiling.”

Rose looked at them again. It was true. She and Walter were talking and talking closely. Siobhan was smiling at him. It was brief, but it had happened. Rose couldn’t keep her own smile away from her face, and she hoped that she would hear all the details from Siobhan when she got a chance to see her alone. “I must return tae some of the men,” Euan said, and then he leaned closer, and she could practically feel his lips on her ear. It made her shudder with renewed desire, even though she had just felt him inside her but a few moments before. “Ye did well, lass. I see ye have a way of bringing people taegether.”

And with that, he was gone. She watched him go and was glad for it. He was making her lose focus, and she had to return to being the lady of the Clan. “Come, my lady!” she heard Susan call, and she turned to see the young woman reach out for her. “I have been searching for ye everywhere! There are some gifts for ye from the village. Tae celebrate yer first festival.” Grateful for the new distraction, Rose hurried after her young companion.

The following day, Rose awoke with a lovely soreness in her muscles, focused mainly in the space between her legs. But her arms and legs were sore as well. “Likely from having to hold myself up against him,” she chuckled to herself as she slid out of bed. She looked around and frowned. She put a hand to her head, trying to remember the end of the evening. All she could really remember was that she and Euan had made love.

She was a wife now in both name and action. It felt good like she had stepped into a new role and a new life. No one could claim that the marriage was not legitimate any longer. She felt a slight pang of guilt for Henry. He'd mentioned the idea in one of his letters, and she had latched onto it briefly. If she and Euan never consummated, then she could perhaps return home? Or at least give Henry the chance to fight it out to remove her from the alliance.

But why was Euan not here with her in her chambers? They had broken that barrier, that nervousness, and awkwardness between them. Why was he not with her? She tried to think through the haze of wine and ale from last night. At the end of the festival, she was so fatigued. Euan had escorted her back to her chambers, but that was it. He’d just left hardly without a parting kiss. Why was that?

She was disappointed. Henry’s plot to upset the marriage due to the lack of consummation was finished, and she realized that she didn’t want a way out. She would have to tell Henry to leave his plans for revenge once and for all. She took the cloth from her table and dipped it into the cool water of her basin. She wanted to remain in the marriage, but it unsettled her that Euan had not spent the night with her.

When Susan arrived and helped her dress, Rose planned what she would say to Euan at breakfast. She wiped her face and neck. “Everything will be different now,” she said with a smile. Perhaps, even if they could never come to love one another, she and Euan could live very happily as man and wife. They certainly knew how to speak to each other, and there were certainly no problems of desire between them, at least on her end. All would be well. Things were easier in the mood of a festival with a whole mug of ale moving through one’s veins. Now in the light of day, she hoped that it wouldn’t be awkward or uncomfortable.

She rather hoped that she could broach the subject of making love again, but this time in a bed. She wanted to see him, feel and taste him while he was fully undressed before her. The image of that sent a shiver of anticipation through her. She moved so much that Susan paused in braiding her hair. “Are ye well, my lady? Och, I hope that the cool air last evening didnae give ye a chill this morning.”

Rose, blushing down to her neck, busied herself with moving a few of her items around on her dressing table. “Oh yes, Susan. Very well indeed. I think a brisk night always does well for my sleep.”

“Good,” Susan replied. In a few minutes, Rose was on her way to the main hall. This time, she lingered a little, walking along, looking up at a few of the paintings along the way. She wanted to form her words succinctly. Her explanation of her feelings last night had been an utter mess. She hoped she could speak a lot clearer this morning. Just as she felt that she’d mustered enough courage. Reaching the doors to the hall, she paused, hearing two male voices mention her name.

“Now, ye will likely get the heir that ye needed tae seal the deal with Rose’s family. Good for ye, lad,” Walter said.

“Aye, good for me,” Euan replied stoically. He said nothing else, and Rose was shocked.

She pulled back, her face flushing and her heart pounding. So that was it. That was what Euan thought of their interaction last evening. How could she have let herself get so wrapped up in it? So wrapped up in him. She put her hand to her mouth as the disappointment and hurt tore their way through her.

Do not cry. Please, Rose, be strong.

Not only that, but Rose was confused. She remembered the tenderness she’d heard in Euan’s voice the night before. The kindness and gentleness in his gestures. Now, he was just leaving it behind as if it never happened. Rose didn’t understand. It was the most beautiful and pleasurable experience that she’d ever had. Yet, Euan had forgotten already, pushing it behind him, all done because he wanted an heir to secure the alliance.

I suppose he has been with many women, and I was just one of many. I was just a brief encounter to get what he wanted.

Right then, the men entered the hall, looking surprised at her appearance. Walter greeted her kindly, but when she looked up at Euan, all he gave her was a sort of empty look. That hurt more than anything he might have said.

* * *

Euan hadn’t expected to see Rose. He and Walter were discussing her loudly as she appeared.

“Rose,” he called and then corrected himself, unsure how to act now that his plan to bed her without emotion hadn’t worked. “Lady Rede. Sorry tae disturb ye. Ye must be hungry.”

He looked at Rose, hoping to convey that he was the same man he always was, strong and in control, not a slave to his passion or affections. Being with Rose the night before had weakened him. He was beginning to care for her; he could feel it, and he couldn’t let that happen.

She looked so hurt at his words that he nearly wavered, bringing her into his arms and kissing her, telling her that their time together was the most beautiful thing he’d ever experienced. But he held back. He was grateful for Walter’s intrusive presence. Finally, Rose straightened up, and a cold mask of indifference came over her face. “Yes, thank you. Enjoy your day, gentleman. Walter, I do hope you had a wonderful time at the festival last evening.”

She turned to Walter with a bright smile, but Euan could tell there wasn’t the same energy in it. “Aye, Rose. I did have a wonderful time.” Walter winked. “And I have ye tae thank for it.”

“Oh, good!” She frowned. “If this is about Siobhan, then I hope you have not done anything untoward to my friend.”

“Nae at all, my lady,” Walter said with an obsequious bow. “She is my friend as well, and with a little more convincing, I just may be able tae make her more than that. Put in a good word for me, will ye, Rose?”

Rose softened at Walter’s charming wit. Euan wanted to hit his friend in the back of the head. Why could Walter be so annoyingly wise when it came to other women while Euan struggled along with his own wife?

“Of course, Walter. I shall do my best. Good day.” She didn’t look at Euan again before she entered the hall, shutting the doors behind her.

“Hmm, that looked a little cold between the two of ye. What have ye done?” Walter asked, one brow lifted.

“Naething that concerns ye, lad. Now, I think we ought tae either go for a ride or tae train. I am feeling in the mood for either.”

“How about we train and then go for a swim? I could use some brisk water on my skin. I hate the distance it is from my lands tae the sea. I always envied yer position here.”

“Careful, Walter. Envy between lairds is enough tae start a war.” He punched Walter in the shoulder.

Chuckling, Walter replied, “I think I have had enough of war for all eternity. Come then. Tae the training grounds we shall go.”

He and Walter spent the rest of the day with activities or avoiding the castle. The seawater was invigorating, and he thought about explaining to Walter what really ailed him, but he lost the courage. He knew what Walter would tell him to do, and he wasn’t ready to hear it. Not just yet. Once they were dried, and on their way back to the castle, Walter said, “I think I should like tae visit the village again. I need some…herbs for my clan’s healer.”

Euan laughed. “Is that so? Nae other reason compels ye tae visit the village at this late hour?” He looked up at the late afternoon sun making its way across the sky to the western horizon.

Walter shrugged. “Well, it wouldnae have been so late if ye were nae keeping me busy with all this.”

“Fine then,” Euan said, still laughing but feeling a little envious that Walter had found his woman. “How was it between ye last night, friend? With ye and Siobhan?”

Walter grimaced. “I am nae one tae readily reveal my feelings. But I think that after last night, she might see me differently. I could tell. There has always been something between us, and last night, I was able tae make her laugh. She even blushed when I touched her. We almost kissed.”

“Almost? Ye are losing yer touch, Walter.”

Walter growled. “I donnae want tae hurry like I usually do and make the lass run away. Siobhan is nae like the others. She isnae so willing and eager tae hurry intae my arms.”

They arrived at the stables and handed over their horses to James, the young wild-haired stableboy. “James, how goes yer search for my wife’s horse?” Euan asked.

“All found, Laird! I hope tae show her the young mare Daisy. Will ye tell her, Laird?”

“Of course, James. I think Daisy is a perfect choice. Good lad.”

They left the boy chuffed and smiling. “Ye have grown soft in yer old age, Laird Rede.” Walter chuckled.

“Perhaps but let us just hope that ye donnae go soft this evening when ye try and convince Siobhan of yer worthiness.” Walter burst into laughter. “I should be offended at yer crassness, but that was far too clever. I will go tae the village, and then the next day, I want tae conduct some business with Laird McElroy. I will only be a few days at the most unless something changes.”

“Fine. Best of luck.” Euan would normally be happy for Walter to leave, but without him, he would have to face Rose and the feelings that were only growing stronger and more foreign to him.

“I will take a bit of food, and then I’ll be off again,” Walter added.

Walter left after another half hour, and Euan spent the rest of the day in his study, creating plans for the seeding of the fields and attending to business matters. It did well to keep him from thinking about Rose and what last night meant. After he finished the bulk of his work, he poured himself a hearty whisky and left the study searching for his father’s portrait.

He looked around and listened for anyone who might be coming down the hallway, but he heard nothing. He turned to the painting of his father and said, “Father, I think I need a bit of advice.” He swirled the whisky in his glass and then took a sip. He leaned against the far wall and looked at his father's painting, which, as he grew older, looked more and more like him.

“I donnae ken what tae do,” he said, surprised at the weakness of his voice. “I brought a woman here, in order tae get revenge, and in order tae create an alliance, and now, I fear that there may be more tae it. She is a Sassenach, Father. It cannae be right tae feel something tender for her. I ken she is my wife now, but still. She is a traitor; her people are traitors,” he amended. He could not think of Rose in a bad light, although he knew that it might help him if he did.

“I am torn between what is right for the clan and my own heart. I didnae expect this. I didnae want this.” Even as he said the words, he knew that they weren’t true. While it was true that he didn’t expect to feel anything for the wife that he’d forced to marry him, it wasn’t true that he didn’t want it. Somewhere deep down inside of him, something new emerged. Rose made something spark within him, something he had pushed away, something that had lain dormant for far too long. Now, she was fanning it into flame, and it was a beautiful feeling, far greater than any other connection he’d ever made.

He had spent much of his adult life keeping everyone at a distance. It was easier that way since he was an orphan and the world had changed because of war. He wanted to keep the pain and tender feelings out. They made life far too complicated. This new feeling with Rose made him happy, but at the same time, it scared him to death. He couldn’t let her see inside of him, for that was where he felt at his weakest. He had brought her here with him to show and prove his power and control, to force an alliance with her people, and to make others do his bidding. But now, he knew that he was on the verge of losing all control and ceding it to her.