Catherinelle by Diane Portman-Ray

 

The air smelled strange. Something was bothering my nose, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. It smelled like one of those days when Flora Maria was keen on cleaning everything in the house with rubbing alcohol. She called it spring cleaning, but I called it an assault to my nose. I was sore, and my throat was dry like a summer day in the Sahara, and I wanted to get up, but my eyes were so heavy. It was a fight to open them, and when I did, a strong, cold light stabbed me. A hospital light.

The first face I saw was Gino’s. He was looking straight at me, and when he noticed I was staring back, he rushed to my side.

“God, you’re awake.” He placed the most gentle kiss on my forehead and held his lips there longer than usual.

Wait? Weren’t we fighting?

“Gino, what happened? Why are we here? The last thing I remember is you yelling at me. We were fighting about Hugo and then…”

“Shhh! Everything is alright, Cat. I…I’ll let the doctors explain.”

What was there to explain? I wanted to go home. I wanted to go to Hugo. My Monster.

I missed him so much, it made me dizzy.

“Gino, we still need to talk.”

“We’ll talk later, but I think you’ll find that everything has been resolved.”

Ugh, I hated when he talked like that. I needed to know what the hell was he saying.

“What does ‘resolved’ mean? You can’t stop me from seeing Hugo.”

“Can we talk about this after the doctor comes in to see you?”

“No!” I hit the bed with my fists. “We will talk about it now. There are things you don’t know, Gino. I need Hugo here with me. I…”

“Damn it, Catherinelle, can’t you wait a damn second? I swear to God, you can be the biggest pain in my…”

He was cut short when the door swung open, and Muse walked in with her arm around Hugo’s waist. My jaw fell open when I saw him standing there. And what was with all the cuddling with Muse? This was the closest I’d ever seen them before. Was Gino ok with all that? How long had I been unconscious?

Muse must have seen the overwhelming confusion on my face because she came straight to me, looking worried.

“Cat, you’re awake. Gino, what are you doing to her?”

“I wasn’t doing anything.”

“You were screaming.”

“I wasn’t screaming, baby. It was a discussion.”

She didn’t care much for his explanation but instead refocused on me.

“How are you feeling, sweetheart? Do you want me to get your mother?”

“I’m fine. I’m a little groggy, but I’m good. Mom is still here?”

“She went downstairs with Ignazio to eat something, but I can go fetch her. Can I get you anything? Water?”

“I’m good.” I was grateful to have her close, but I was more interested in my Monster.

He came behind Muse and put his hand on her shoulder, silently asking her to make space for him. She squeezed my hand one more time before letting go and going to sit next to Gino. His hand clutched my shoulder almost like he was trying to make sure I was really there looking at him. His gaze was charged with so much fear and love, I didn’t know how to get to him fast enough. I pushed myself up on my knees and hugged him.

“Hey, baby. I’m alright, I promise.”

“Cat, you shouldn’t get up.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Don’t think that just because I’m in a hospital you can order me around. Stop looking at me like I’m about to die, Hugo.”

“You’ve been out for hours, princess.” He took my hands to his lips and kiss them. “Cat, you...” He wanted to say something but stopped to look at Gino. “We need a doctor.”

My brother went out into the hallway without a word, but I needed at least half a reason on why things seemed so normal.

“How did he let you in here? The last thing I remember is Gino screaming something in my face about killing you.”

“Gino came to see me, Cat.”

“Why?”

Again, he looked away, avoiding the question.

“We’ll talk later, ok?”

No, not ok, but he was saved by my brother and a tall, slim woman with black hair that was hanging from a pony tail on the top of her head. Judging by the immaculate white coat, she was my doctor.

“Catherinelle,” she spoke with a soft but confident voice. “I’m Doctor Melanie Swartz. I’m glad to see you’re up.”

“Yeah, I’m great. Dr. Swartz, can you please tell me what happened?”

“Well, Catherinelle, we had to perform a few procedures on you. There is no easy way to tell you this…”

Muse cut her off by speaking to Gino.

“Baby, let’s go wait in the hallway.”

“What? No way. She’s my sister!”

“This is between Catherinelle, Hugo and Dr. Swartz. Let’s. Go.” She basically dragged him out while my brother was glaring at Hugo with the most furious expression. At least there wasn’t blood lust in his eyes anymore.

Dr. Swartz resumed after the door closed behind Muse and Gino.

“Catherinelle, I’m an OB-GYN.” Oh, fuck, the baby. I looked at Hugo, wide-eyed, but he kissed my hand again to calm me down. Oh, my God, he knew. “You were brought in with severe vaginal bleeding. We stopped it as fast as we could, and I tried everything in my power, but unfortunately, it was too late. You were under severe distress, and the embryo was too young to get through.”

“What?” I don’t know why, maybe instinct, but my free hand gently fell on my stomach.

“The pregnancy had stopped evolving.”

“I see,” I said.

This was so weird. I didn’t have the time to wrap my head around the idea of being pregnant, and now, they were telling me I had lost the baby. Shit, I didn’t even want it in the first place. Like I told B, I wasn’t ready. There was no way for me to raise a child, but then why…why did I felt so empty.

I shouldn’t have felt like I’d lost something, but the feeling of emptiness cut me like a razor. I hadn’t taken a test; it had only been a few weeks, and there was no time to…to accept it, but still. A part of me and Hugo was lost. A little, innocent crumb of our love.

“I know it’s a lot to take in, especially at such a young age,” Dr. Swartz continued. “Look, Catherinelle, I see miscarriages happen every day, unfortunately. It doesn’t matter what you think you did or didn’t do; it’s not your fault. A very high percent of first-time pregnant women don’t hit the mark of the first trimester. I can answer all your questions; I can offer you ambulatory support or recommend a therapist that could work with you and the father. Right now, I want you to focus on the fact that you’re young, healthy, and your reproductive system wasn’t at all affected. I don’t see you having any problems if you decide to conceive again.”

“That’s, umm, it’s a lot to take in, Dr. Swartz.”

“I understand; that’s why I think therapy would be the best option.”

“No need. We have coping mechanisms in our family.” Coping mechanisms as we lived in such a close proximity with death and loss, there wasn’t anything we couldn’t take.

“Ok, but think about it. There is something else I need to ask you.” She looked guilty, but I gave her a nod to encourage her to keep talking. “You are a minor, but your legal guardian, your brother,” Gino took guardianship over me the day after daddy died, “didn’t report any crime, so we’re not under any obligation to report your situation.”

“There’s nothing to report, Dr. Swartz.”

“Are you sure?”

She gave Hugo a worried look that neither of us missed.

“Yes, Dr. Swartz. Hugo, here, is my boyfriend, and everything that happened between us was completely consensual. Please drop it.” By the end of my sentence, my voice was cold as ice. The sole insinuation that Hugo would put me in any danger was making me burn up with anger. “Umm, I know my family is here, but would you mind telling them to give us a second.”

“Ok, Catherinelle. I will keep you a couple more hours for observation, and I will be back to talk about a few measures to practice safe sex before you leave.”

“Umm, there’s no need for that. We got it.”

“Do you now?”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to my doctor.”

“Make sure you discuss proper contraception,” she said and wrote something down in my chart. “And no sexual contact for the next three to six weeks. No stimulus for three weeks, and I would recommend a consult, and if after that, you feel any kind of discomfort,” she stopped and looked at Hugo with daggers in her eyes, “stop!”

For the first time since Dr. Swartz walked in the room, Hugo answered her.

“That won’t be a problem. Nobody will touch her for at least the next two months.”

Pleased with the answer, the doctor walked out to allow us – finally – to talk alone.

“Umm, two months is more than six weeks, Monster.”

“I don’t care, Cat.” He exhaled, exhausted. “How do you feel, baby girl? No bullshit.”

“I’m shaken, but I’m ok.”

“Did you know you were pregnant?”

A guilty shiver crossed my body.

“I started suspecting it after Christmas.” His eyes grew like an owl’s. “I never confirmed it, but I had all the symptoms.”

“Is that when it happened? On Christmas?”

“No, I felt lousy before that. I have no idea when. You had a condom most of the times, but then, when we get lost in each other…” It was no one’s fault. Our need for each other was terrifyingly strong sometimes.

“Ok. Why didn’t you talk to me, baby girl? I feel like shit for letting you pull through this alone. You needed me, and I was so fucking useless.”

“I needed time to accept the idea myself and then when I wanted to tell you, well, Gino broke down your door.”

“He sure did. I don’t know what to do, Cat. I don’t know how to help you. You seem fine, but are you?” He put his hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes. “You’ve just lost a baby. Our baby. I love you too much to let this eat you from the inside.”

I inhaled deeply and felt tears coming.

“I know you do, Monster. I love you too.” I didn’t wanna hurt him. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

“Cat, stop talking shit. You have absolutely nothing to feel sorry about.”

“I didn’t want to keep it,” I whispered, hating myself a little bit. “I decided before the miscarriage that I would terminate. I wanted to kill our baby.”

When I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I let the sobs free, and Hugo pulled me into his arms protectively.

“Shh, Cat, it’s alright. Baby, I would have supported your decision, no matter what.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Hell no, baby girl. Do I look ready to be a father to you? I’d scare the shit out of a baby. I mean, look at me.”

I did, and he was my beautiful, brutal man. I wished that for one moment, he could see himself through my eyes.

“I’ve seen you with my younger cousins, and they love you.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. I never thought I’d want a kid until I found out you might give me one.”

In that moment, I loved him more than ever. This love, it wasn’t human; it was something beyond, something divine.

“You want us to have kids?” I smiled through a few tears that refused to dry out.

“I…yeah. But not until you’re ready, and the next time you even suspect something like that, you come straight to me. I mean it, Cat.”

“I will.”

“Not that you will ever have a pregnancy scare. I’m not a fucking teenager. I should have known better.”

“Hey, don’t. If I’m not allowed to feel guilty, neither are you. I know better too. I know I should have started the pill by now, but I was more focused on spending time with you. I know I should have reminded you about the condoms, but when you’re inside me, it feels so amazing, like we’re fusing into one soul. I’ll talk to my doctor and get pills as soon as possible.”

“You don’t need to hurry. We will get thought this, baby girl, and maybe you’re fine as you say, but I will need some time be sure. You’re the most important thing in my life. I can’t take risks with you.”

“I love you, Monster.”

“Same here.”

“Hey, umm, are you and Gino good? I hate that I came between you two.”

“Surprisingly, yes. He’s…he’s a good fucking man. I didn’t deserve mercy, but he came to tell me what happened to you, and we talked. You’re not getting rid of me now, Cat. My boss ordered me to stay with you ‘till I die.”

I giggled and pulled Hugo in for a kiss. He attacked my lips with his, and it was good to know that even though he was planning on keeping his distance, he was still crazy for me. I could have a lot of fun with that.

“So that’s why you’re staying with me, huh? To please my brother.”

“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

We melted into another kiss that was more than just a kiss. It was commitment, and love, and devotion. That day, I swore to love him like no one ever had, and a Nucci always keeps their word.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Acknowledgements*

I have a long list of people that I need to thank from the bottom of my heart for making this book possible.

Thank you, friends, for everything you did for me, for keeping me sane and pushing me forward, even when all I wanted was to stay still.

Simona, through thick and through thin, you have me forever. The best best friend anyone could ask for. No matter who your knight in shining armor is, I will always the dragon that guards you fiercely.

I was blessed with incredible friends that always made sure I followed my path: Antonia, thank you for being you and for listening to my book rants; Aida, thank you for all the wisdom and the long nights where you could have done much more interesting things than sit with me and talk about nothing and everything; Anca, thank you for showing me this world with your book recommendations; Liana, you are a priceless advisor, and I love you for trying to help me because most of the time, I’m in way over my head; Raluca (Lulu) girl, you know I love you! Thank you for sticking by my side.

Pang, who is so good to me, I could never repay her kindness and D, our baker extraordinaire.

Rita Roman, you have no idea how much I love you. You were the first smile I found when I started this journey, and for that, I have a Rita shaped hole in my heart forever. Thank you for sharing your love of books with me and your happy moments. (I’m still happy sobbing for you!)

Annie, you are my light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know where I would be without your support, and more importantly, without you stopping me from doing something wrong. You made me laugh, and your stories made me cry, and that’s a deadly combination for my heart. I love you for everything you are.

Dilly! My crazy, beautiful, extremely hot artist! You’re my soulmate, and I can’t wait to come over there and get you drunk on raspberry vodka shots. If there were ever two people meant to be together, it’s you and me.

Thank you, Accacia, for this cover that is a piece of art and for all your guidance!

Alexandria, thank you for offering all your love and support! People like you need to be treasured!

And Monica Motherfucking James. Thank you for all your advice. When I first started writing this book, I was lost at sea, and it was your advice that got me out of it!

My family, my parents, and my readers, thank you all! I bow in front of you.

Diane��