Catherinelle by Diane Portman-Ray

28

 

God, if you’re really out there, if you’re my friend in any way, just send me to hell and put me out of my misery.

Catherinelle made the impossible; she made me pray. And she made time stay still. Light went away and came back at dawn, but it didn’t feel like anything. I hadn’t moved since she walked out the door.

I watched my very soul following her while Gino was dragging her out into the stairway. She was everything, so when she was gone, there was nothing left.

After Roman, Gino and Cat disappeared out the door, I just slid down on the floor and leaned against the pillar in the center of my house. I hadn’t been able to move since. I didn’t know how she snuck up on me like that, but she was in my blood for good. I was…in love. I was a man in love, or at least I thought I was. I’d heard people talking about love, and they made it sound manageable. This wasn’t. There was no life without Catherinelle in it; there was no second chance. Gino was right. I had signed my own death sentence but not the way he thought. The bullet in his gun meant nothing to me, but he took her away, and that was a million times worse.

I knew better than Cat. I could bet my left arm she was in her bed, waiting for things to calm down so she could go to Gino and pretty please him into letting her come to me. Hogwash. My offence to the boss would not be washed away, no matter how much she begged with her beautiful blue eyes. My days were over, and the only thing to put my heart at ease was that the last time I saw her, an I love you formed on her lips.

Jesus. Put my heart at ease? I didn’t even know my heart still worked, let alone that it could be bruised. Fuck! Fuck everything. I just wanted this real life night terror to be over. My gun was crying my name from a few feet away where Catherinelle dropped it, and if I knew she’d not do anything crazy, I’d have just painted the walls with my brains and got it over with. Gino was right; it was the least I could do. I was sick to my stomach because of what I did to him. The look in his eyes was not just anger; it was betrayal. Every word he said was right on the money. I was nothing, a dog, a slave, a man that wasn’t worthy to breathe the same air as his sister, let alone touch her.

I’ll never see her again.

The thought snuck up on me like a bullet in the back of my head. What the fuck was I going to do if he decided to let me live? I couldn’t take myself out because I made a silent oath to Catherinelle, and I was done making her feel like shit, but living? That would mean walking on an earth where she’d move on with her life.

“God, I love her so fucking much,” I whispered to the nothingness around me and squeezed my eyes shut.

“I never thought I’d live to hear you say that,” the nothingness answered back, except the voice belonged to my brother. He was standing tall in the door that he broke the other night, that was still hanging by one hinge, with his hands in his pockets.

“Are you here to finish the job, fratello?”

“Don’t fucking call me that.” Fair. “Ever again.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why the fuck do you sound like a crow died in your throat?”

“I haven’t moved from this spot since you left. I guess I’m a little thirsty. You didn’t answer my question.”

“If I was here to kill you, I wouldn’t have given you a warning. You don’t deserve one, Mustafa.” I just nodded, agreeing with him. “Why didn’t you tell me about Cat? I could have handled her more carefully. I could have…I don’t even know.”

He was not angry anymore, that was for sure, but something was still boiling under his skin. I could sense it. Maybe it was hatred or just plain disgust.

“How the fuck was I supposed to come to you and admit that? I didn’t want it to happen, boss. She’s your sister, God damnit!”

Suddenly, he turned and hit a wall with his fist full force, making a crack show up. I was supposed to be at the receiving end of that punch.

“And you were supposed to be my fucking brother, Hugo! I trusted you with my life. Fuck, I trusted you with her life. My baby sister! Hugo, you know better than anyone, even than Roman, that she never had a father. Not one to give a shit about her, anyway. She was in my…in our care, and you took advantage of that. You should have said something. Now Cat is paying the price.”

That last part made my alarms go nuts, but I took a deep breath, reminding myself that Gino would never hurt his sister. Not physically, anyway, because if there was one thing in this world to make me cross that last line and break my blood oath, it would have been Cat’s safety. I’d kill anyone for her.

“I would give my life for her in a second. She’s…I watched her grow up. I don’t know when, but she did, and she’s so fucking amazing, man. So, before you send someone in to off me, or kick me out of your turf, let me say something.”

“Speak.”

“It happened last year. The first time I looked at her and saw a woman staring back. A few weeks after her birthday, we were at a barbeque, and she had on a tight blue dress. The way that dress made her look, man, I…I hated myself for thinking about Cat like that. I wanted to cut my balls off. Gino, I did everything. I treated her like crap, hoping it would keep her away. I started chasing women harder than I ever had before. I found the twins, thinking nothing could be hotter than that, but it didn’t work. She haunted me.” My eyes were sore, and my lungs were burning up. “When she started…when she became bold and initiated something between us, the only thing I had left to stop myself was to put a knife in my chest. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

Gino took his sweet time before saying anything.

“When did you start?”

“Freddy’s daughter’s birthday. When you were out of the country.” He didn’t have to know about anything that happened before. Or after or in between, for that matter.

“Were you ever going to come to me, you piece of shit?!” his voice boomed into the room, but I didn’t flinch. Nothing I’d never seen before.

“If it was up to me, I would have taken it to the grave, but things changed before Christmas. I love her, boss. I hate myself for betraying you, more than you could ever understand, brother, but I was getting ready to come clean because I had to be sure I did everything in my power to end up with her. She’s the end of my life, man.”

“She’s half your age, Mustafa.”

“I’m gonna save you some time. There is nothing you could spit in my face that I haven’t already said to myself. Not even if you’d actually spit in my face. I’ve done that to the mirror a couple of times.” Everything was fucked up, and I was the only one to blame. “She’s seventeen fucking years old. She should not be with me. Hell, she shouldn’t be with any man.”

“You fucked up, Mustafa. You fucked up big time. I knew she was on the fast track to turning into a woman soon, that she’d start dating eventually.” Eventually, but not now, and not me. “I was getting ready for that from the day dad got killed. Why didn’t you come to me, motherfucker? Do it right? Ask me to let you take her out? That’s the only thing I care about. You swore we would share the same cross, and I had to find out from one of my lookouts in the street that you took my sister to your house.”

Fuck, so that was how he found out. My mind was so consumed by Catherinelle’s absence, I didn’t give a shit what had led Gino here in the first place.

“I’m sorry.”

This was a fucking torment.

After many long, grievous moments, he spoke just above a whisper.

“She lost it, man.” I imagined she had. Cat was a wild little thing. I was scared to think of the disaster she had triggered at home. “We didn’t even realize until she passed out. Mother almost followed her.”

The fuck was he saying?

“Passed out? How upset was she?”

“Mustafa.” His voice was grim. “What I mean is that she lost the baby. She’s in the hospital.”

Boom!

A rocket hit me right in the middle of my chest; that was the only explanation from the pain that put a stop to my lungs working. Two opposing forces were unleashing inside me: a raging fire and a storm of ice.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I forced myself to get up and stand on my feet, not giving a shit that my joints and muscles were stiff from the long stillness. “What baby?!”

What the fuck was happening? I thought about Catherinelle the other day, but she looked the same as always. And then it hit me. She was moody and threw up. She wanted to talk…

“Mustafa, Catherinelle was pregnant.” Holy fucking shit. “Yours, I assume.”

My hands started going numb, and I had a pain in my chest. Maybe I was having a fucking heart attack. Shit, I knew Catherinelle would put me in an early grave.

“Mine?” Yeah, of course, it would be mine. I would destroy anyone who dared to touch her.

“Is there someone else?”

“No. Fuck, no!” My head was trying to wrap around this baby bomb, but it didn’t work. It was all too alien. Me? A father. Me, having a child with Cat. She lost it. It was all too damn much. “God, a baby? I had no idea. She wanted to talk to me the other day, but then she got sick. I thought it was the food.”

A transfixing fear took over my body.

“You said she’s in the hospital?” My princess was hurting.

“Metropolitan. Mother, Muse and Roman are there with her. She’s fine now but still out. They had to…the doctors had to take the baby out.”

I felt caged down so I started walking in a small circle. Fuck! She was hurt and probably terrified, and I wasn’t there. The one time she really needed me, I wasn’t there. Yesterday, I almost pushed her out the door myself. If only she had told me, there was no way I would have let Cat out of my sight. Not if I wasn’t in a body bag.

The anger and fear pushed me off the edge, and I turned to Gino, towering over him with my wider shoulders and extra two inches. I was breathing like dragon, ready to strike.

“If you did something to her, Gino. If you dared to touch her…”

“Get out of my fucking face before I change my mind and put you in a hospital bed next to her. The fucking nerve on you, Mustafa.” He pushed me back a few inches, annoyed with my tantrum. He wasn’t scared of me, but it went both ways. I wasn’t scared of him either. “They say it was more than one factor: her age, it was a first pregnancy and in very early stages, but mostly stress. I was rough with her yesterday. I screamed a lot. God knows I wanted to snap her neck, but no, I didn’t hurt my sister, and even if I had it’s not your place to speak on it.”

A murderous shiver shook me to my core.

“She’s mine,” I growled.

“Look, Mustafa, this fucking new attitude is kicking all the sense Roman put into me, out.”

“Why are you here, Gino? To tell me about the baby, tell me to never get close to her or your family for the rest of my miserable life, or just kill me?”

This was the first time I actually registered the situation. I was so focused on Cat, I hadn’t thought about the rest. Roman and all the people in my life would be my past if – when – Gino banished me.

“I’m here to take you to the fucking hospital. I don’t want to find out what Cat will do when she wakes up, and you’re not there. She needs proof of life.”

Catherinelle didn’t let things not go the way she wanted. I thought we were all starting to get that.

“She’s a Nucci,” I explained. It was as simple as that. They raised Gino to be a king, but they forgot about the princess.

“She’s too Nucci for her own good. Walk now. I’m not going to ask you twice.”

Yeah, like there was a need for that. He walked through the same whole in the wall he came in, and I followed mindlessly. I didn’t take my car keys or my wallet. All I cared about was making it to her and grasping that last chance to look into her beautiful blue eyes.

My mood became even crappier when I slipped in the passenger seat of Gino’s Jaguar. I hated to be driven around; it made me feel like control was slipping away from me.

“Roman convinced you to come?”

“He pulled hard for you. I’m surrounded by fucking traitors. He came by early in the morning, but I was ready to ship Cat to Great Neck and force mom to lock her in the attic. I spent half of the day yelling, angry and sick with worry, and then a five-foot-three doctor told me my sister lost a baby. It knocked me off my feet. She’s seventeen, and even if she would have been thirty, I was not ready for that.”

“I was not ready for that either, man!”

“For a baby.” That wasn’t even in question.

“For her. She was my family, and one day, she just made my world stop spinning. I feel protective of her. Right after you took Muse away, I caught one of the boys at her school with his hands on her ass. I was so fucking mad, I almost broke his back. He couldn’t have been older than eighteen. I’m just saying that I know where you come from.”

“How sweet of you.”

“You were my family, Gino. I know it’s not true, but that’s how I saw things.”

We stopped at a red light, and he started drumming with his fingers on the steering wheel.

“Were?”

“Even since we were very young, before our blood oath. Simona is the only motherly thing I’ve ever known; you and Roman are like brothers to me, and for a while, Cat was my little sister too.”

“That’s fucked up; don’t ever say that out loud. You are family, fucker.”

I shook my head, looking down at my hands that were full of scars from past jobs.

“No, I’m not. I don’t share your blood, or heritage, or honor, but it’s fine. I’ve always known I’m not good enough for your sister.”

“You know what you are, Mustafa? A stupid motherfucker. The idea of you and Cat together never crossed my mind, ever, mostly because you’re too fucking old for her, but there aren’t many people I’d trust to care for and respect her.”

What the fuck was he saying?

“I could never hurt her.”

“You left her pregnant.”

“Not by choice.” I thought back to all those times when we talked women over a glass of whiskey. That was fun; this was dreadful. “You’re gonna hate the next couple of sentences. I can’t think straight when I’m with her. I’m not a fucking teenager. I know the risks and how to stay safe, but with Cat, I just can’t think.”

“You were right. I hated every word. You fucked this one up, Hugo. You should have come to me, told me you had interest in my sister, and you should have waited ten years before thinking to touch her.”

I laughed. I really laughed out loud.

“We both know that it wouldn’t have changed anything if I’d have said something.”

“It would have changed everything.”

“It wouldn’t have changed me, Gino! I would have still been the filthy Albanian, a good for nothing employee of the family, just like you said. I’m the help, and she’s the princess.”

“As I said, stupid motherfucker. Is that how you always felt, like my employee?”

“It’s just the truth.”

“Then I failed you just like you failed me, fratello. Let’s call it even.”

He finally pulled up in front of the Metropolitan hospital. The drive here felt like it had lasted days.

“I thought that term was not allowed anymore.”

“Brothers have to find a way, Mustafa. You are family. I meant that. I know dad polished you to be a man killer, and that’s very fucking useful, but our bond goes both ways. You’d die for me because that’s what you were taught, and I would do the same. As your boss and your brother, I want you know you can come to me, no matter how fucked up things are.”

“Appreciated.”

“I regret the words I said to you yesterday. That was not me talking; it was that ugly part of my father that rubbed off and sometimes comes out. Catherinelle pointed out that I’ve been acting a lot like him in the past twenty-four hours.”

Ouch! That must have been a hard hit for him. All of our adult lives, I got to watch Gino giving blood and sweat to get as far away from his father’s image as possible.

“Understood, boss.”

“I can’t let your betrayal go without punishment, but instead of killing you, which would be the easy way out, I thought of something more permanent.” That couldn’t be good. “You’re in charge of Cat’s security for the rest of your fucking days. She will drive you crazy, but you’re not going to leave my sister until she asks me to shoot you dead. Mustafa, if you hurt her, I will make you wish you would have died in the streets so dad couldn’t find you.”

For a second, I thought he was joking, but the man was dead serious. I couldn’t understand it. He was giving me his blessing. After all my sins, Gino was ready to turn his back on everything.

“I would never hurt her.”

“If I ever catch you with another woman, you can kiss your life goodbye.”

“It’s not going to happen, but I’m pretty sure Cat can take care of that herself.” My princess was the one to be feared.

We both got out of the car, and he started walking towards the hospital entry, but I just couldn’t understand what had happened.

“Gino.” He stopped and looked at me over his shoulder. “Why? Why forgive me?”

“What did you expect me to do? Kill you both?”

“Obviously not her.”

“She’s my sister; you’re my sworn brother. There’s no difference.” I was suffocating with a strange emotion I’d never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, but it felt good. Overwhelming, but good. “I never heard you utter the word love until this morning. I’m happy for you, man.”

This time he left, and I wanted to follow. I wanted to get to Catherinelle, but I needed a fucking second. I had never felt more whole in my life. I felt part of something, and that was strange.

I didn’t have the time to stay and take everything in; all of that had to wait. I had to get to Catherinelle and see for myself that she was alright.

God, she just lost her…our baby. A fainted jolt of sadness crossed my heart. She was too young to be a mother, and I’d never imagined myself bringing a human into the world, but for a second, I allowed myself to think about it. A second of grief for a small baby with her beautiful blue eyes.

Shaking it off, I caught up with Gino right as he was pushing through the doors of the private recovery wing, and I followed. I stopped dead in my tracks when I looked up and saw an awful lot of people looking at me. The hall was packed with familiar faces: Ignazio, Frank Sr. and his entire family – Bianca was looking at me with a frown – Lola and Vincenzo, Pepe and his wife who were comforting Simona in the far corner, Roman and Vito closer to me. Shit, they knew. They all knew. Some of them were blaming me. I could read it on their faces.

Roman was the first to come to me and talk.

“I wasn’t sure you’d make it here in one piece, but I’m glad Gino got his head out of his ass. You were needed here.”

“How is she? I need to see her, Roman.”

“Still out, but the doctors said it’s normal. Hey, I have to ask. When we met in the Hamptons, you two were a thing, right?”

I was already sick of this conversation.

“Yeah. Why?”

“After that weekend, you were different. I don’t wanna insult you and use the word happy, but you looked well. It’s good to see you both like that.”

“She’s in a hospital bed, man.”

Simona stepped up to the plate and put a hand on my arm.

“She will be fine, Hugo. My daughter is tough; you should know that.”

“Simona, I,…” My eyes went from her face straight to the floor, “I am so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I would never hurt Catherinelle.”

“Hugo…”

“I had no idea she was pregnant. If I would have known…”

“There wasn’t much you could have done, son,” she said, and to my surprise, she pulled me down for a hug.

“She’s going to be devastated. She lost a child, Simona. I put her through that. She shouldn’t know such pain so soon.”

“True, but we don’t choose when or who to love now, do we? She’s my baby girl, and I love her more than anyone could imagine. I want her to be happy, and she swore you made her happy. You two will recover from this.”

A scary question entered in my mind: What if we didn’t?

“You think so?”

“Yes. Maybe slow down a little bit this time.” She smiled. “You will not share a bedroom under my roof until you’re married, so don’t even think about it. I’ll have a guest room prepared in Great Neck for when you visit.”

Just like that. It was that simple. All the things that haunted me for months were whipped away in seconds, like we really were a family.

“Simona, I need to see her.”

She nodded and took my hand, making me follow her. I didn’t pay attention to anyone in the room, and they knew better than to fucking push me in that moment. If someone would have tried to put themselves between Catherinelle and I, I’d have knocked them out cold.

When she pushed the door to Cat’s room open, and I saw her passed out between the sheets, my heart jumped out of my chest. Gino was sitting in a chair while Muse was next to the bed, holding Cat’s hand. When she saw me, she smiled.

“I’m glad you’re here, Hugo. You should take my place. I held her hand in your absence.”

“Thank you,” I said slowly.

I stepped in and touched her silently. Her hand was so soft and warm under my touch. Desperate to feel some remote closeness to her, I took her hand to my lips and kissed it.

“Wake up, princess. I need you to wake up.”

My eyes started feeling sore again, and my vision didn’t seem to be very good. It took a few seconds to register that tears were gathering in my eyes. Holy shit, I was crying. I didn’t even think my body could do that.

Gino’s hand landed on my shoulder.

“She’ll be alright, brother.”

“I know, but I still need her to wake up. Seeing Cat like this is killing me.”