My Next Play by Carrie Ann Ryan

Chapter 13

Nessa

I leaned back and stretched,my eyes going bleary. I’d worked on this project for most of the day, and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. I had class, meetings after, and work later.

At some point, time permitting, I hoped to see Miles, but I didn’t know if that would happen. Not when he was even busier than me. He had a complicated group project in lab coming up that stressed him out. Both of us were doing our best not to talk about the fact that we weren’t sure what would happen next semester.

I pushed those thoughts from my mind and made my way to the living room. I was alone in the house, the girls either at work, school, or with their guys—in other words, off living their lives. I finally looked at the clock and held back a curse. I needed to get going. I quickly stuffed my books into my bag, put my work shirt on top, and looked around to make sure I had everything.

I wasn’t dressed for a date or time with Miles, and part of me figured that might be a good thing. Things were getting a little too serious—not that I was surprised. Sex made things serious, even if we’d only joked about it before.

It would always be serious with him. No matter how hard we tried to keep it casual, I couldn’t stop wanting more when it came to Miles.

Only, we were both moving. I might be leaving even earlier than either of us had planned. I had to get a real job and become an adult and figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I wouldn’t be able to do it making plans that could go up in smoke in an instant. Plans were more Mackenzie’s thing, and even when everything had been derailed in her life, she had found a way to make it right. I would have to do the same.

I looked at my phone and smiled, a text from Miles lighting up the screen.

Miles: Thinking of you. Miss you.

I smiled.

Me:Miss you too.

My stomach roiled a bit, thinking about what might happen when we had to walk away. We both knew there wasn’t a future for us. That meant I had to stop fretting over every single decision when it came to him.

I looked at my text and frowned when I noticed that Miles was on two lines in my messages. As if he had started a new chat with me with his most recent text. I needed to update my phone. Maybe that was why it was bugging out. The cell had been doing that often lately, randomly chirping and ringing once before it powered down. I needed to get a new one, but that wouldn’t happen anytime soon. This baby needed to last me a long while because even some of my schoolwork required a smartphone. As did a few of my grant ideas.

I also wrote a few chapters on my notes app that I would send to my computer to edit before adding them to my book. It was my lifeline, and I hated that it seemed to be acting up.

I shook my head and made my way to campus. I had statistics class first and took as many notes as possible, even though my head ached and my hand hurt. I ignored that pain. It wasn’t as bad as it used to be. Since Miles had started helping me, something had started to click. I would never be a mathematician, nor would I get an A in the class, but I figured I was learning some things, at least, and I wasn’t as bad off as I had been. That counted as a win in my book. And anything to increase my GPA meant I was happy. The schools I was looking at for grad school, if I could get in at all, needed me to stay at my current GPA. I didn’t have Miles’ 4.0, but my grades were better now than they had been in high school. Thankfully.

I had another class later this afternoon, but I needed to meet with my dad first. I’d been planning on a phone call, but he had texted me during class. Thankfully, my phone was on silent, even though it was flaking out. I was supposed to meet him at our favorite coffee shop. A place on campus that had two floors and was where everybody always seemed to be. Dillon had met Elise there, though the two hadn’t spoken at the time. Mackenzie had had a couple of interactions within its walls that I knew people still talked about, as well, even though they weren’t as important to her these days.

I didn’t do much at the coffee shop other than drink cheap coffee—which wasn’t easy to do with most of their prices.

I found my dad sitting in a corner, his glasses perched on the tip of his nose. He looked a little dubious, sitting there surrounded by a bunch of students who were my age or younger. This probably wasn’t the best place for us to have this conversation, but he had chosen it, so we were going with it.

I looked at him and waved. His whole face brightened when he saw me. My heart did that little clutching thing it did, and I couldn’t help but lean into the emotions because my dad didn’t smile like that often anymore. I had lost my mother, but he had lost his wife. Now, a seemingly instant, insurmountable mountain of bills and grief had tackled us until we were drowning and unable to crawl our way out of the abyss. Still, my dad was there for me. He was my rock. He hadn’t pushed me away or tried to put me in a box. He had stepped back ever so slightly to watch me grow and help me plant my feet firmly in the soil so I could bloom into the woman I needed to be. Yet, I wasn’t there yet. I was not that woman. I wasn’t sure when I might find her because I was not my mother’s daughter. I was not my father’s daughter. I was not Miles’ girlfriend. I was no one but myself, and I didn’t know who that person was.

As I stood in the middle of a coffee shop as people milled around me, smiling or stressed or dealing with emotional turmoil and their day-to-day lives, I had my existential crisis. I wondered who I could be in front of a man who had cared for me, no matter the choices I made. He had pushed me to become the woman I wanted to be, even though I wasn’t sure who that was.

My father tilted his head as he studied me, and I had a feeling he knew exactly where my mind had gone. Perhaps not down a path of crisis, but at least the idea that I would think about so many things all at once and end up with a blank expression. He shook his head and stood up, holding out his hands. I moved around others, trying not to bump into anyone as I made my way to my father. I took his hand in mine and then reached around with my other arm and hugged him tightly. I wasn’t in middle school or even high school, shying away from my parents’ affections. I had lost my mother, and there was no getting her back. There would be no more instances of holding my mother and telling her that I loved her and missed her.

There’d be no more time spent trying to pretend that I was okay becoming the person I was without her here to watch. I wouldn’t shy away from my dad’s embrace. Nor would I dwell on the times I had because of the person I’d thought I needed to become.

“It’s good to see you,” my dad said, and I hugged him tightly again before reaching back around him to straighten his sweater.

“You’re looking nice. Are these new glasses?” I asked.

“They are. It was time for a change. My prescription’s the same, but one of the lenses on my previous ones was a little wobbly. I had to let them go.”

Those had been my mother’s favorite glasses, the ones he had worn for so long and had finally broken. I knew that he thought about it, but we wouldn’t talk about it. We were good at that. Not talking. At least, that’s what I thought. Now, we needed to speak, even with the customers around us.

I recognized a few people, Mackenzie’s ex-boyfriend was in the corner with his new girlfriend, but he didn’t pay any attention to me. I was fine with that. It didn’t matter much. Even Dillon’s ex-girlfriend was here, milling about. Our friend, Sasha, also walked around. She gave me a little wave before going back to her boyfriend.

I recognized so many people from school and parties, but my roommates weren’t here. Not the family I had chosen and made. For that, I was grateful. If I broke down, I didn’t want them to see.

My dad reached out and squeezed my hand. “I love you, hon. I know you’re not sleeping well because of seemingly insurmountable issues, but you need to know that we’re going to be okay.”

I sat next to him in the booth, close enough that our voices could be low, even though nobody was paying attention to us. My dad had already bought me coffee, but it sat in front of me untouched, still hot.

“Are we going to lose the house?”

“It’s looking that way,” my dad said. My heart broke, another twist that shattered everything I was. “Some of the debt from the hospital backed up some bills when I had to take time off. And, yes, school. The house will cover most of it.”

“I can take next semester off. Take a break. Get a full-time job. Everly can give me more hours. She’s already talked to me about it, even though she wasn’t too thrilled about the idea.”

“You’re not doing that.”

“I have to. I have a meeting with my professor after this. I’m getting a better job next semester in addition to the bookstore. Maybe we can make that work for a little bit longer than planned.”

“Nessa, darling, you have enough for your last semester. That’s not something you need to worry about.”

“Dad—”

“Don’t. I’m here because I wanted to see you on campus. And I wanted to see you in this world of yours that you love. You are so brilliant, and I cannot wait to see how you shine outside of this. We all decided—you, me, and your mother—that you would go to a smaller school, one that was still a state-run college so you could get better scholarships and wouldn’t make us go broke after a single year. We made that decision, even though you could have gotten into a more expensive school.”

I started. “My grades weren’t that great, Dad.”

“They were good enough for those bigger schools. Maybe not Ivy League, but bigger schools. More expensive ones. We took a chance and went with this one. And you’re thriving. Keep thriving. You’re so close to the end. I’m so proud of you.”

“Dad, the house...”

“The house is paid for. We wouldn’t be losing the house to the bank. I would sell it to pay for the rest of the bills. This is what happens with our medical system and insurance. It is a horrible way for our society to live, but we are privileged in that you can still go to school, and I can still keep my job, even if I have to downsize. The fact that I’m even holding onto a home that’s far too big for me is a privilege, Nessa. Things are tight, and they will be for a while, but I’m an adult. You don’t need to put this on yourself.”

I swallowed hard, my eyes stinging. “I have dreams, Dad. But I also have reality.”

“You do not need to put your dreams on hold for me. Your mother wouldn’t want that.”

“That’s a low blow,” I whispered.

“Maybe, but it’s exactly what we need. I love you, daughter of mine. I love you with every ounce of my soul. Your mother did, too. You will finish school. You will disappoint me if you don’t.”

I winced, my heart aching. “Dad, really? You’re going there?”

“You bet I am. I’m going to throw down the parental gauntlet if you disappoint me. You would also disappoint your mother.”

“Dad,” I gasped.

“It’s the truth. You wanted school. These are your dreams. We never forced you to make this choice, so you are not finishing school to make us happy. You would be doing it to make yourself happy. I know it might seem easier to take a break right now so you can pay for this last semester, but that’s not the case. If I have to sell the house to finish paying off the bills for those experimental treatments, I will. I will live in a small, dilapidated apartment, and I will start a new life. We’ve had to start over before, and I will do it again. You are my daughter, and you will not put your dreams on hold for me.”

“I don’t want you to have to give up things in life.” My dad squeezed my shoulders, and I reached out to wipe away a tear.

“I am not giving up anything. We are making the choices we need to make as adults. You will find your path. You want to be an English professor and teach the worlds of literature that people can dive into and find new places in? That is what you need to do. You have a book written that you want to publish? Do it. Be that person. I know some people out there say that you should go to college for a degree that will earn you large amounts of money and focus on just that. That may work for them, but that’s not for us. You are reasonable, you are forceful in your intentions, and you are creative. Creative people need an outlet. You are one of those. Write, teach, create. Be the Nessa that I know and love. Thrive. Don’t give up your dreams for me.”

I swallowed hard. “I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you, too. Now, let’s drink our coffee before it gets cold, and you can tell me all about this boy in your life.”

I froze. “Boy?”

“I didn’t want to look, but I’m pretty sure that’s a hickey on your neck,” he drawled, and I winced.

“Oh, God.”

“Yes. Let’s just discuss his name and his address so I can beat him up.”

“Dad!” I laughed.

“Fine, what’s his name?”

“His name is Miles.”

Dad frowned. “Miles? As in one of the roommates? Pacey’s roommate?”

“There’s nothing with Pacey and me.”

“I know. Though he is a nice guy.”

“He is the greatest. And he’s not mine. I’m okay with it.” Even as I said that, I knew it was true. My dad just smiled.

“That’s good to hear. Tell me about this Miles. Is he nice? Does he buy you flowers?”

“Dad,” I said. “Only one man in my life buys me flowers.” That made me think of Xander, and I held back a shudder. I did not want to think about him. He hadn’t contacted me since, and even though they weren’t doing much about it, the campus police were trying.

“Who? You’re dating more than one boy?”

I looked up at my dad and frowned. “I was talking about you. The yellow roses and the daisies?”

Dad just blinked at me. “I don’t remember giving you flowers, baby.”

I swallowed hard and smiled, shaking my head. Everything went cold, and I tried to catch my breath. “Sorry, I must be thinking about someone else.”

“Nessa?”

“Anyway, let’s talk about Miles.” I proceeded to tell him all about Miles, did my best not to think about the fact that the first time Xander had sent me something, it had been the day he attacked me. I had thought the flowers were from my dad, but Xander must have written my dad’s name.

I tried not to think about it, but I would have to call the police again, at least the person I had been working with, so they had notes. But I didn’t have evidence, and it likely wouldn’t be enough.

I tried not to let that get me down, tried not to do anything that made me feel as if I were failing. But I was. Xander had sent me flowers, and he had hurt me. But he hadn’t done anything since. So, maybe I needed to stop stressing about it. Or, at the very least, stop dwelling on it. Because I couldn’t do anything but try to be safe.

After I met with Dad, I saw my professor, although she didn’t have much to say about the new job. Mostly, she said they were still looking, and that I should be able to get one soon. In other words, I would have a decent TA job on top of my bookstore job for the last semester, and I’d find a way to make it work. I wouldn’t be sleeping, and I would only see Miles in passing, but it would be fine.

Besides, it wouldn’t matter because it wasn’t like Miles and I were forever anyway.

I made it through my last class and then headed home—the first one home for some reason. There was a note on the fridge. Mackenzie and Elise were having dinner at Dillon’s brother’s bar, and I sighed since Natalie was with her parents for the evening. It looked like I’d be alone again. Miles wouldn’t even be here.

We didn’t need to be together every minute, though it sometimes felt as if we weren’t together at all.

I pulled out my phone to text him to see what he was doing. I missed him. We had both said we would live the time we had together to its fullest, and that’s what we would do. Phone in hand, I got an alert for an email from my agent. My pulse raced, and I opened it.

Another rejection. That made ten. Ten rejections on a book I loved that still hadn’t found a home. I knew some of my favorite authors had gotten hundreds of rejections. This was just part of the routine. But after today, it hurt. It fucking hurt.

I texted Miles because I would pretend that everything was fine. That I wasn’t breaking inside. That I wasn’t floundering.

If I pretended, I could give him my books and find fiction that made sense.

Me: Hey there.

Miles:Hey there. Class go okay?

I lay on my bed and got under the covers, holding my phone close as I looked down at it. I didn’t even realize I was crying until the tears wet my pillow.

Me:I had a pretty good day. I’m rocking stats.

Miles:That’s good. Wish I was there. I have this stupid group project meeting for another hour. Maybe I can stop by after?

It would probably be silly for him to come over since I didn’t have much time before bed, but then again, I needed to see him.

I just wanted to see Miles, to pretend that everything was okay.

Me:Come on over. I’ll let you in as soon as you’re here.

Miles:Sounds like a plan. Miss you, babe.

I smiled and held the phone close before I texted back.

Me:Miss you too, babe.

I looked down at the phone and tried to be okay. I would find a way. Somehow.

Miles made me happy. I would lean on him, even if it hurt to think about what would happen next semester.