My Next Play by Carrie Ann Ryan
Chapter 11
Miles
It was amazinghow quickly life could change when you weren’t ready for it. I lay on the bed, Nessa’s knees pressed tightly against my hips, and groaned as she nibbled on my lip.
“This is the best study break ever,” she said, grinning, and I leaned back, my hands cradling my head. While I knew I would have rather had them on Nessa, I knew we were both doing our best not to move too quickly. After all, we had said that this wouldn’t be forever and that we wanted to maintain our friendship. Sex would change things. That meant the more I touched her, the harder it would be—in every meaning of that phrase.
She rubbed herself against me, and I sucked in a breath, closing my eyes. “You better stop doing that,” I said.
She stiffened, a single brow raised. “If I keep going, would it be too much or not enough?”
I rolled my eyes before I turned us both over.
She let out a squeal. “Hey.” Now, we were lying side by side, her leg draped over mine as I brushed her hair away from her face. I did my best not to think about what it meant. We were friends, and while I knew she wasn’t using me to get over Pacey or even to get over the fear of what had happened with Xander, this still didn’t feel real.
One minute, I was pining and pretending that I was okay. The next, she was in my arms, and I wasn’t quite sure how that had happened. I needed to stop thinking so hard.
I leaned forward, kissed her on the forehead, and then sat up, draping my arms over my knees as I let out a deep breath.
“Too much, then?” she asked before sitting up next to me. She pressed her leg to mine, but she didn’t touch me other than that. It was getting harder to be around her without wanting more. And I didn’t mean sex. Sex would be easy between us. I knew that much and figured we would find that out shortly. No, it was everything else that came from it.
Nessa was still worried about school, and we only had a few more days to figure out her plan with that. Then there was grad school for both of us and everything else surrounding those significant decisions. A relationship would get in the way, and I knew that. She knew that. We had been very clear about that. And yet, here we were, our books next to us as we rolled around on my bed, making out and pretending the world wasn’t on fire.
“I think we should probably get back to studying.”
“We’re almost done with my stats homework.” She nudged me with her shoulder.
I looked over at her, my lips quirking into a grin. “You’re getting better at it.”
“I feel like I need to help you study or something. But you’ve already finished with your English courses, and you got As in those.”
I shrugged, my cheeks heating. “I like school. Sorry.”
“I was always a decent B and C student in high school. Often, I got As if things worked out right, but it just wasn’t my thing. English, though? That was always my jam. Reading and writing and anything having to do with that sort of creativity and deep introspection. That was for me. The math and science part? I mean, I tried, but it just didn’t hit me.”
“We’re not supposed to be good at everything we do.”
“So says the guy with the 4.0 GPA in his final year of college.”
I swallowed hard. “Some people are just good at school. Other people are good at everything else.”
“I’m not good at everything else, either. We both know that.”
I frowned. “You shouldn’t say that.”
“It’s the truth. A lot of our friends already know who they want to be and what they want to do with the rest of their lives. I’m still figuring it out.”
“Dillon has had how many career changes? And he’s our age.”
“He found something he likes.”
“He had to make changes to make that happen, though. I may know what I want to do in terms of a career, but everything else? I pretty much fail at it all.”
She leaned into me again. “Sitting here with you, you don’t seem like much of a failure.”
If only she knew the mistakes I had made.
I leaned forward, pushing those thoughts from my mind as I brushed her hair from her face. “Let’s get some work done and then eat. I know you have a job to do. I have a group project that I need to have a meeting on later, too. I’m so excited.”
“That’s the one thing I like these days. Most of my projects aren’t group-related.”
“You would think mine wouldn’t be, either. Yet, here I am.” I shrugged.
“Let’s get to this whole school thing. Yay, statistics.” She laughed, and I kissed her again. There was a scuffling noise outside the room, and I stiffened.
“Wait there, let me make sure he’s—” Tanner said through my door. I looked up quickly as my parents walked directly into my bedroom, not bothering to knock or to listen to Tanner. Instead, they simply made themselves at home.
I sighed as Nessa squeaked and looked down at herself, making sure she was fully clothed. She was, but any more time with her on my bed, that probably wouldn’t have been the case.
My parents met my gaze and then looked over at Nessa before my dad raised his brows, and my mother narrowed her eyes.
“Mom, Dad. What are you doing here?”
Tanner stood behind them, his hands outstretched as he winced.
I met his gaze and shook my head. It wasn’t his fault that my parents had walked past him and into the room. Probably the house. They were good at that. And since they had helped me to pay for my school initially, I couldn’t resent them for thinking that they owned part of me. At least, that’s what I told myself. Fuck it. I did begrudge them. I’d dealt with my mistakes and paid the price—something I had to keep telling myself.
My parents just looked between Nessa and me, and I sighed before I scooted off the bed and held up my hand. Nessa looked at it, gave me a quick shake of her head, and practically scrambled off the other side of the mattress.
“Mom, Dad, this is Nessa.”
“Hi there,” Nessa said as she rubbed her palms on her thighs. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“I think we’ve seen you around before, right?” my mom asked, her voice not necessarily cool but also not welcoming. I wasn’t sure when she had ever been fully accepting of anyone I hung out with. It definitely hadn’t been since the accident. She wanted us all in little boxes, safe and tucked away where nobody could hurt us. That just wasn’t going to happen.
“Uh, maybe,” Nessa began. She gave me a pleading look, and I nodded tightly before holding out my hand. She looked at it again before I leaned forward and took hers, not bothering to wait for her to slide her palm into mine. She was nervous. Hell, so was I. But I wasn’t going to let my parents make her feel small. I didn’t know what they were here for, but I wouldn’t let Nessa get hurt because of their attitudes.
“Anyway, we were just studying,” I said. “I think you might’ve met Nessa before when you came by one night as we were all eating dinner.”
“Studying...” Mom began.
Dad cleared his throat. “I remember now—the girls from the other house. Aren’t a couple of you dating some of the roommates?” he asked, looking between us.
“It seems like it,” I said. “We’re all good friends.” I squeezed Nessa’s hand and gave her a look, and she relaxed slightly. Good. At least one of us could relax somewhat because I was about to scream.
“So, what’s going on?” I asked. “Is there a reason you guys decided to barge into my room like this?”
“We’re your parents. It’s not called barging when we do it.” Mom rolled her shoulders back.
“Okay. Nessa? Why don’t you go downstairs and give us a minute? Do you mind?”
“If you’re sure,” she whispered.
I wanted to lean down and kiss her, to rest my lips against hers until she knew everything would be okay. But she was embarrassed enough. I nodded and squeezed her hand, and she quickly walked out, leaving her stuff behind. Even her purse was still in my room, so I knew she wouldn’t escape. That was good because I had a feeling I had a lot to explain.
“Seriously?” I asked, sighing. “You can’t just barge in on me like that. I’m not a kid anymore, and this is not your home.”
“You’re still our child,” Mom said. “And, seriously, you’re going to call that studying? Making out with a girl in your room?”
“Mom. I’m not sixteen. I’m not even a teenager anymore. I’ll be twenty-two soon. I’m an adult, and I’m moving to a different state. I’ll be looking into the housing market and deciding what my future looks like—things I need to do as an adult. If I want to have a woman in my room, I will. I like Nessa. She’s sweet—a good person. You guys embarrassed her. Hell, you embarrassed me.”
“Watch your language, son,” Dad said as he shook his head.
“It’s my house. And that’s not the point.”
“A house we help pay for.”
I scoffed. “No, you don’t. You helped me the first two years, and I will forever be grateful that you assisted me with school. I would not be where I am without you. But I’ve been paying for this year. I pay for this house. I’m taking more credit hours than ever to finish on time with my majors. I’m doing this, Mom and Dad. I love you both, but you can’t just come in whenever you want. I need privacy. I have a life. And I should be able to live it.” With those last words, I knew I had said the wrong thing. My mom’s face blanched, and I held back a curse. “Mom,” I began.
“No, you’re right. You are allowed to live your life. It’s just the one time we didn’t pay attention enough, you almost didn’t get to live it, and your sister lost hers. So, I understand. I understand that you think you’re an adult now and can make your own decisions, but that’s fine. We were just here to check on you because we love you. If you’re going to keep pushing us away like this, maybe we need to figure out exactly how you’re going to be in Aaron’s life.”
My dad cursed under his breath, and my eyes widened.
“Wait, you can’t just keep Aaron away from me. He’s my little brother.”
“And Rachelle was your sister. Your twin. We saw how that turned out, didn’t we?”
The blow hit me so hard, it was as if she had slapped me. I staggered back, the back of my knees hitting the bed. I sat down, bile filling my mouth.
“Kayla.” My dad’s tone shocked me. “That was uncalled for.”
Tears freely fell down her face. “Maybe, but I’m hurting, too. And he’s our son. He doesn’t get to push us away. If he’s going to act like this, like he did that night, well…maybe he doesn’t need to be an influence in Aaron’s life. We’re going, Parish.”
“Kayla,” he whispered.
My mother moved away, walking out of my room before my dad gave me a shake of his head and then followed her. I knew I would have to move away. That was just how my career worked. And I knew I would be leaving Aaron behind in a sense, but not this way. Jesus.
“Miles?” Nessa asked from the doorway. I looked up, swallowing hard. She stood there, hugging herself. As I looked at her, I didn’t know what to say. She came over to me, then cupped my face and kissed me. I sank into her, needing her taste, just needing her. I was grateful when she closed the door behind her. I didn’t want anything we said to leave this room. I just needed to breathe to figure out what I was supposed to do.
I needed an anchor, and I couldn’t find one. Nessa couldn’t be my anchor, but even for a moment, I could pretend.
“I heard part of that. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry, Miles,” she whispered.
I looked up at her and swallowed hard. “I think I should probably tell you a couple of things that happened, so what you just saw makes a little more sense.”
She frowned. “I don’t know if any of that will make sense. Nothing you could’ve done deserved that, Miles.” I let out a hollow laugh as she sat down next to me. I squeezed her hand, then I stood and started to pace.
“I’m the nerdy brother—the one who liked playing video games and had glasses from the age of six. I was a geek, a nerd. I could’ve skipped a couple of grades but decided to stay back because of my sister.”
She met my gaze, her eyes wide. “Your sister?”
I sighed. “My twin, actually. My twin sister, who didn’t get the same grades as I did, skipped class a lot and had a ton more fun than I ever did in high school. Even middle school. She would never skip any grades, and I didn’t want to do that without her. So, I stayed behind and took some college classes, some upper-level classes, did extracurricular activities and became a complete nerd. But I always had my sister. No matter what.” My heart ached, and I felt it twist. I let out a breath. “She was my best friend, even though she had a hundred other best friends along the way. Her name was Rachelle.”
Nessa looked at me, her eyes filling with tears because she had heard the past tense. She knew.
“Rachelle was full of life, energetic and brilliant, but school wasn’t her thing. My parents never understood that and did their best to help her, but they also never closed her in. They weren’t the people you saw today.”
Nessa didn’t say anything, and for that, I was grateful. I needed to breathe for a moment.
“My sister was a light. A shining light that sometimes dulled just a bit. But when she flared outside of that dullness, she shone on everybody and everything around her. Two days after we graduated high school, I decided that maybe I didn’t need to be the lame sibling, who was her twin but felt like the party girl’s kid brother in high school. We had both gotten into college, although Rachelle planned to take some community college classes while she figured out what she wanted to do. I was so damn proud of her. She worked her ass off to get in, and she wasn’t going to waste money while she found her path. She would forge any path she wanted. And no matter what, she knew that I would always be there for her. Aaron was quite a few years younger than us, and while we bonded with him and he is my baby brother, and I will always be there for him, Rachelle was part of my heart. Yet, after graduation, I decided I just wanted to have some fun. To live life on the other side for a bit and see what my sister did. Learn who she was.”
Nessa was crying now, but I didn’t touch her. I needed to breathe, and I needed to get through this.
“I had a few drinks. Maybe more than a few. I ended up getting my stomach pumped because I would’ve died of alcohol poisoning if I hadn’t. I hadn’t known when to let up. Everyone around me kept giving me drinks because I was Rachelle’s twin; therefore, they assumed I must have the same metabolism as she did when it came to alcohol.” I sighed. “That’s why I don’t drink as much as others do now. I remember what it was like to drink too much. The first time I tasted alcohol, I went too far. I don’t even remember getting in the car.”
Nessa sucked in a breath, and I swallowed hard.
“I was in the passenger seat. I wasn’t driving. Rachelle drove and had the same amount of alcohol in her system as I did, if not more. The first time I had a drink, I let my twin sister drink and drive. We had to get home before Mom and Dad found out. It didn’t matter that we were eighteen and newly minted adults. That we had the world in front of us, the rest of our lives to be who we wanted to be and find out who we could be. I don’t remember everything from the accident. I do remember that Rachelle smiled at me, and I blinked at her, drunk off my ass and unable to do anything but scream when the first bit of metal hit. She hit a guardrail, hadn’t even realized she had skidded around a curve. I was wearing my seatbelt. The airbags deployed, and we hadn’t been speeding. I had a little bit of internal bleeding that thankfully didn’t need surgical intervention. But I’d been covered in bruises and cuts from the glass. I needed a few stitches on my hairline. My wrist and knee got sprained. I walked away to get help.”
“Miles,” Nessa whispered.
I looked at her then. “It was rote for me to put on my seatbelt when I got in the car. Even drunk, I remembered to do it. Rachelle didn’t. In my memories, when we hit the guardrail and metal twisted and glass shattered, I can still see her. Looking over at me as I was in pain, trying to wake up. That isn’t what happened. That was a dream or a figment of my imagination or even a drunk hallucination. Rachelle had been thrown through the windshield, face-first through the glass. It broke nearly every bone in her face, cut through her scalp, broke her wrists and her elbow and her collarbone. Glass had punctured her heart, her lungs, and destroyed even more pieces of her. The impact killed her instantly. They told me later that with the booze in her system and given the speed of the accident, she likely hadn’t felt a thing. Everything happened so fast, I don’t even think she felt fear. I hope to hell that’s the truth. My twin sister died the first night I had a drink. The first time I wasn’t there to protect her how I always had.”
I let out a breath and wiped away the single tear that had fallen. “I loved her so fucking much. Still do. We both made mistakes that night, but I walked away, and she didn’t. My parents haven’t forgiven me.”
It felt as if I’d run a marathon. My heart raced, and I couldn’t catch up. It was all out now. Everything. All of my secrets.
No more hiding my mistakes.
“Miles. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.” She let out a breath. “It wasn’t your fault. They lost her, but they could’ve lost you, too.”
I sucked in a breath. “You’re right. My parents twisted their grief into overprotectiveness. They love me. I don’t think they’ll ever trust me the same way, but maybe I deserve that.”
“Miles...” she began.
I shook my head. “No, there are reasons we’re not supposed to be those people and make those choices. I get that. I wasn’t an adult for more than a minute when I decided to have that drink. I made a choice. Same as my sister. My parents are overprotective and pushy, and they’re so afraid if they let go of the reins for one instant that I’ll die as she did. They’re so afraid that Aaron will see the path Rachelle was on, the night I made the worst choice of my life, and follow me down into that dark hole, as well. I see their decisions, and I understand why they do the things they do, even if I can’t change it. So, that is why I’m the geeky kid with the overprotective parents who want to wrap him in Bubble Wrap and make his lunch for him. They haven’t let up since the accident, and they probably never will. I need to find a way to make that work. Because that’s who I am. The night I made the worst decision of my life, my sister died. My twin. And yet, here I am.”
I let out a shaky breath, and then Nessa was there, holding me tightly. I had never told a single person that entire story, and I wasn’t sure I could ever do it again. Nessa held me, her tears warm and wet against my chest as I wrapped my arms around her.
I didn’t know what this meant or what it should mean. I had to stop looking for answers in the future when I couldn’t even find them in the present.
So, I simply held Nessa and pretended. I pretended that I was okay. That things made sense.
I pretended that maybe this wouldn’t be the ending before it had even begun.
I did what I was good at. I pretended.
