At First Hate by K.A. Linde

Savannah

March 11, 2013

We landed in the Savannah humidity the next afternoon. The air hit me in the face, and I nearly cried again, thinking about all the days out in this weather with Gramps. The news kept hitting me fresh. It was still too real. And at the same time, completely unfathomable.

“Who’s picking us up?” I asked, brushing aside the tears again. I’d put the entire trip into his hands. I hadn’t even considered who could get us at the airport.

“Dad offered to send a driver.”

“In Savannah?”

“Well, yeah.”

“I could have called Maddox.”

“While you’re all grieving? No.”

He seemed so adamant that I just went with it.

Derek recognized a man in the crowd. They shook hands, and then we were escorted into the back of a black Mercedes. It’d have made me feel vaguely important if I didn’t feel utterly ridiculous.

“Here you are, sir,” the driver said when he pulled up in front of Gran’s house.

“Wait here for me while I get Marley inside.”

“Of course, sir.”

Derek popped open the door and held his hand out for me.

I took it gratefully but said, “You don’t have to do any of this.”

“I know.” He threaded our fingers together. “But I want to.”

“I’ll find a way to pay you back.”

“Don’t even think about it.”

I headed up the stairs to the front of Gran’s house. Just being home made me so much more solid. Like this was where I was supposed to be. My bones belonged here. Savannah was smaller than Durham and Cambridge by a long shot. It wasn’t big or glamorous, but it was home.

I knocked once on the front door and then let myself inside. “Gran?”

“Marley, you made it.” Gran scooped me up in her arms. She smelled like earth and fresh bread and a hint of the lavender perfume she’d been wearing for years. “I’m so glad that you could get here so quickly.”

“Don’t thank me. Thank Derek.”

He was still standing in the doorway. Half in, half out, as if he were intruding.

“Well, come in, young man. I’ve heard an awful lot about you.”

“I don’t know whether that’s good or bad,” he said with a short laugh.

Gran just pulled him into an unexpected hug. “Whatever happened before hardly matters now. You brought my Marley home.” She patted him on the back twice. “Now, close the door and come inside. You’re more than welcome to share a meal with us. We’re having fried chicken and okra. The sweet tea is better than whatever you’ve been drinking. Maddox should be here any minute. He’s so busy with that damn job.”

Derek glanced back outside at the car, waved the driver off, and then carefully stepped inside. “What’s Maddox doing these days?”

Gran headed for the kitchen. “Something with computers.”

“Graphic design and animation,” I filled in for him.

“Ah, that’s what he said at Thanksgiving.”

“Right,” I said, forgetting momentarily that he’d hung out with Maddox when he visited me last semester. “He started his own company, Mad Son Productions.”

“Ah, clever. Maddox Nelson. Mad Son.”

“Yeah. It’s so him,” I said with a shrug. “He got him an in with Pixar.”

“That must be exciting.”

I nodded. “Yeah, he’s actually doing phenomenal. Not that he talks about it much.”

Another knock sounded on the door, and then Maddox burst into the house. “Made it.” A small shih tzu mix yapped at his heels. “Easy, Walt. Jesus, I’m going to let you go.”

Maddox removed the leash from Walt’s collar, and the dog zoomed around the living room like he belonged there. I laughed at his zoomies, but it was Derek who bent down to pet the tiny, ferocious predator. Walt took a liking to him immediately, jumping up into his lap and trying to lick Derek’s face off.

“Walt, come on,” Maddox said in exasperation.

Maddox’s girlfriend, Teena, shook her head as she stepped inside. “That dog is trouble.”

“Yeah,” Maddox said with a sigh. “Sunny loves him at least.”

Sunny was Lila’s dachshund. Lila had been living with Maddox since she started PT school in August, and it was a miracle that their two little dogs got along.

“No, Lila?” I asked Maddox.

Maddox shook his head. “She had something at school. She said that she’ll definitely be there for the funeral and to tell you she was sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said, waving it away. “It’s all so unexpected.”

Maddox glanced over at Derek, who had picked up Walt and was cradling the dog in his arms like a baby. Walt looked up at him with hero worship. It was adorable. “Didn’t know you were bringing anyone with you.”

“Sort of last minute,” I choked out.

“Yeah,” Maddox said, scratching the back of his head. He held his hand out to Derek, who set Walt down to shake. “Good to see you again, man.”

“Same. Though not the best circumstances.”

Teena was introduced to Derek, and then everyone was ushered into the dining room. For a few blissful moments, everything felt normal. Gran’s cooking was as spectacular as always. Derek and I both had second helpings. We couldn’t find good Southern cooking in Boston. Maddox and Gran playfully argued about his career. Teena talked about the baking projects she’d been working on and how she wanted to get Gran’s buttermilk pie recipe. It was almost like at any second, Gramps would walk in from the backyard. He’d wash his dirt-covered hands in the mudroom before stepping into Gran’s clean kitchen. She’d joke about how he always brought the entire garden inside with him. After dinner, they’d dance to the tinny tunes playing through the radio they’d had since the ’60s.

But there was no Gramps. No gardening or jokes or dancing. I soaked up the time with my family, but we were missing a person, and each of us felt it distinctly with his empty chair at the head of the table.

Then, just after we cleared the plates and Gran was serving up dessert—her favorite Coca-Cola cake—a knock came from the door.

“I’ll get it,” Gran said. “Probably another friend bringing us food.”

I grimaced. People meant well. I was sure it was thoughtful, but having the reminder of Gramps’ death over and over again didn’t help anything but to dig the knife in deeper.

Then, I heard the voices from the other room. My eyes snapped to Maddox’s. For a second, we were little kids again, able to read each other’s minds like only twins were capable of doing. Without a word, we both shoved our chairs back and headed for the kitchen door.

“What’s going on?” Teena asked.

“Stay here,” Maddox said roughly.

I didn’t look at Derek, but I could sense his confusion. This was the last thing I’d wanted him to see when he took me home. There was one thing that I hid from nearly everyone in my life—my mother.

“Hannah, now isn’t the time,” Gran said with a sigh.

“This shouldn’t take too long,” my mom said, pushing past Gran and into the house.

She caught sight of me and Maddox stepping out of the kitchen and frowned. She was as stunning as ever, maybe more so. She’d had some work done since the last time I’d seen her. I only knew that it had happened because I’d memorized the face of the woman who had abandoned us. Her breasts were larger. Her smile plumper. Her forehead didn’t move. For someone whose entire existence depended on that unmistakable beauty, she had taken very good care of it. I used to think she looked like a supermodel, but I’d seen some of those too recently to think it this time. She looked like a pale imitation of that effortless beauty. A Southern caricature with big, dark hair and too-tight clothes.

“Kids,” she said with a sly smile.

Neither of us spoke. I felt Maddox touch my spine, the way he had when we were kids and Mom showed up unexpectantly. A constant reassurance.

“Hannah,” Gran repeated more sternly.

“Oh, stuff it,” Mom said with an eye roll. “You called me, remember?”

“Yes,” she said, losing her edge. “I called you to let you know your father had passed away. I believed that you’d want that information.”

She laughed, hoarse and dismissive. “That man isn’t my father.”

Gran colored. “Hannah Marie!”

“I was the disappointment, Mom,” she said with bitterness. “Remember? Knocked up too early. He told me to get rid of them.”

I winced. That didn’t sound like Gramps at all.

“He was mad, and he was wrong. He admitted it. We’ve had this conversation before. Bringing it up now in front of the kids is just cruel.”

“Of course I’m the cruel one when he was the one who wanted me to abort them.”

My fury pounded through me. “He’s the one who raised us. Not you.”

Maddox tensed next to me.

“Marley Sue,” Gran said with a shake of her head. “That’s enough, everyone. It’s been a long, trying day. If you want something, Hannah, just spit it out.”

The kitchen door creaked behind us. I winced slightly, knowing that Derek and Teena must have seen and heard everything that had happened. Mom glanced in that direction, and her eyes widened. Derek came to stand on my other side. His presence warm and comforting next to me. Between him and Maddox, I felt… safe.

“I think you should go,” he said slowly.

I put my arm out to stop him. “It’s fine.”

Mom met my gaze, and she smirked. I could read everything she was saying in that look. Derek looked like a tasty treat to her. And probably something about how her looks had won me a boy this attractive. Because how else could I get him for myself? Same old, same old. Unfortunately, it didn’t make me feel any less disgusting.

She swung back to Gran. “I want the money. A thousand.”

Gran pursed her lips, but she fished out her checkbook despite our protests. She wrote out the check and threw it at her daughter. “Get some help with the money.”

My mom rolled her eyes and then slammed back through the door. She was gone as fast as she had come.

“On that note,” Gran said with a sigh as she wiped a tear from her eye, “who wants cake?”