At First Hate by K.A. Linde

Savannah

October 28, 2016

“I’m glad that you could make it for this, Mars,” Maddox said.

“How could I miss it?”

Maddox pulled a face. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Well, are you happy, or is it not a big deal?”

My brother grinned, tightening his charcoal suit around his shoulders. “Both.”

“Shithead.”

He cracked up. “That’s why I want you here. If I have too many people telling me that I’m awesome, it might go to my head.”

I rolled my eyes. “As if it hasn’t already.”

“Nah. Us animators aren’t usually recognized. Hard to get a big head when no one knows your name.”

“Speaking of someone whose name everyone knows, have you seen Josie?”

He flinched at the name and then acted like he hadn’t. “I have not.”

“Are you two still at each other’s throats?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Okay,” I said, drawing out the word. “Sure thing. Play dumb. That’s always worked out so well for you.”

“You’re such a bad sister.”

I laughed. “I’m the best sister, and you know it.”

“Remind yourself of that when this thing goes all night,” he said with a wink and then headed backstage.

I didn’t mind that it took all night. The SCAD Film Festival was an annual event that brought hundreds of celebrities to our doorstep. I’d gone to my fair share of films because of it, but I’d never been to their infamous cocktail party. Both Maddox and Josie were being recognized for their achievements after graduation. I spent the remainder of the night bouncing between the two since, apparently, neither was speaking with the other. That part was exhausting. And by midnight, I was ready to bounce.

I was still in my black cocktail dress and heels and had driven to the event with Maddox, which I was now realizing was a mistake. I’d have to get an Uber or something home.

But as soon as my feet were out on the old familiar roads with the old familiar Halloween crowds through Savannah, my exhaustion fell off. I stepped into one of the squares under the Spanish moss and breathed in my home. It had been awhile since I’d been back to visit. Gran had chided me for being too busy, but work had kept me occupied.

I stepped out of the square and out onto Bay Street. It was crowded despite the hour, and I pressed myself back into the overhang to avoid a raucous crowd of ghost-tour revelers. Suddenly, the door behind me pulled open, and I teetered on my heels before falling backward into the stranger.

“Oof,” I gasped.

Hands came down around my waist. “Oh God, I’m sorry.”

I stopped struggling and came slowly back to my feet. “My bad.”

“I didn’t expect anyone to be there.”

I turned around to thank my rescuer, but when I saw who it was, I ceased breathing entirely. Derek and I gaped at one another. I hadn’t seen him in three years. Not since we’d broken up at Harvard. I’d had no idea he was even in Savannah. My brain couldn’t process any of it.

“Hey,” he said finally.

“Derek,” I said, stepping backward.

“Mars.”

His eyes swept my fancy cocktail dress, down my pale legs, to the stilettos on my feet. I’d even gone to get my hair and makeup professionally done for the event. I had never really figured out how to make my curls behave. He looked at me as if he’d never seen me before.

“You look… stunning.”

I blushed and took another tentative step backward. “Thank you.”

He looked just as gorgeous as he always had. Though… rumpled. I’d seen Derek in every state of dress or undress, but I’d never thought of him as rumpled before. He had on a black suit with a white shirt and blue tie. The top button had been undone and his tie pulled loose from around his neck. The suit fit him perfectly, but it was as if he’d been sleeping in the thing. His eyes seemed distant or just exhausted. Even worse than those years of law school, which had wrung him dry.

“I…” He ran a hand back through his hair. It was longer than he’d worn it in college. The slight curl giving way to a full wave. Somehow, I liked it even more. “What are you doing in Savannah?”

“Maddox and Josie had a thing at the SCAD Film Festival.” I glanced up at the building we were hovering in and saw the words Ballentine Law. “You’re working for your dad?” It came out as more of an accusation than I’d intended.

He nodded. His jaw set. “Yeah. You?”

“Emory,” I told him. “Neuroscience faculty.”

“Of course. Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” I said softly.

It had been three years. Three long years without his face in my life. I’d dated since Derek. I’d even thought that I was in love. And somehow, one look at him made all the years just disappear.

Even if I couldn’t forget the hurt. And I needed to get away before I started to forget that too.

“Well… good night,” I said, taking another step past him.

For a few moments, as I walked away from him, I thought he’d let me go. He’d been hurt by what had happened too. A lot of what he’d said was true on my part. It had been both of our fault. Even if he’d driven the nail into the coffin.

But then he was there. “Wait…”

Wait.There was that word. That impossible word.

I stalled, took a deep breath, and then released it. Was I going to do this to myself? I bit my lip. Sometimes, love was messy and painful and made absolutely no sense, but it was still there regardless.

I turned back to face him. “What?”

“Don’t go.”

“Why?”

“Because… I don’t know.” He ran his hand back through his hair again. He looked lost, as if he truly had no idea why he had asked me to stop. “I can’t let you leave.”

I gulped. “I know that feeling.”

“Get a drink with me.”

I shouldn’t.

“One drink.”

Then, his smile hit me full-on. I felt like he crushed all the air from my lungs when he looked at me like that. Flashes of memories cascaded through my mind. Nights spent wrapped in his arms. The feel of his arms around me from the prow of his sailboat. A stolen glance over a stack of law books in the library.

I looked down. He was intoxicating, and I was drunk off of him in one glance. Fuck.

We walked side by side down Bay Street, veering toward City Market. We stopped at the bar of an upscale dining room. We were both dressed too nice for the dives, but this also felt safe. It wasn’t a place I’d ever go with anyone else. I had no memories at these sorts of places.

I drank a sidecar as I listened to him discuss how he’d come home and taken over right where he’d left off. He was working himself to death, trying to reach partner. I could see the strain all over him. I told him all about my work at Emory. How I’d had a breakthrough with my dementia work. A few years too late for Gramps. But if it helped one person, it was worth it.

And slowly, we both relaxed. His exhaustion evaporated. My unease around him vanished. It was just like old times. As comforting and terrifying as that notion was. We hadn’t seen each other in three years. I’d been so mad at him then, and somehow, we could still act just like we always had.

We left the bar after three drinks instead of one, of course, and headed to the water. I took the cobblestone steps in my heels like a newborn colt. These steps had been built in the 1800s. They were steep and uneven and terrible. A hundred percent not made for modern high heels. Derek offered his hand to help me down. I hesitated only a moment before placing my hand in his. Sparks ignited between us, and my stomach dipped at the contact. How? How could it still be this potent all these years later?

I made it down to the riverfront. We grabbed frozen drinks from Wet Willie’s and then crossed River Street. I sipped at my alcoholic concoction, already buzzed from earlier, and felt all the alcohol go straight to my head. Derek finished his in record time, tossing it into a nearby trash can. Then, he leaned out against the rail overlooking the Savannah River. In the darkness, the water was a black abyss, mysterious and beautiful.

“Do you like being back?” I asked after I threw away my own drink and came to stand next to him.

“Nowhere else ever felt like home.”

It mirrored my thoughts so perfectly that I nearly stumbled backward. No matter how much I’d tried to escape the South, it always called me home. I had gotten rid of my accent and worn plain clothes and gotten used to the food elsewhere. And still, Savannah with its Spanish moss and old Colonial squares and cobblestones just was home.

“Same. I miss it,” I said.

Derek turned to face me. His features perfectly illuminated from the lights of the giant paddleboat. Time slowed to a crawl. My heart thudded in my chest. Derek Ballentine was a problem. He was all of the best and worst of me rolled into one ball of conflicted emotions. And still, I wanted him.

“I missed you,” I admitted softly.

“I missed you too.”

I stepped forward, leaning into him. His arm came around my back. And for a moment, we were transported to a different time. When I could have had this whenever I wanted it. When we had been meant to be together.

A butterfly whacked against my stomach as I worked up the courage to look up into his handsome face. He met my gaze. A wanton, pained look in those hazel eyes. He wanted this as much as I did. So, I reached up on my tiptoes to claim the kiss that was within reach.

For a second, I could almost taste the brush of his lips.

Then, he sighed and dropped his forehead onto mine. “I can’t.”

My body shut down. I blushed furiously and pulled back, out of the warmth of his arms, away from the years of want. Because of course, this wasn’t what I’d thought it was. This was… insane.

“Marley,” he said, reaching for me.

“It’s fine.”

“Fuck,” he spat. He turned back out to the water. He was silent a handful of breaths. “I’m getting married.”

It felt like a punch to my gut. I actually gasped, stepping away from him, as if he’d been the one to hit me. I couldn’t even form words.

“Next weekend.”

I jerked another step away from him at the words. “Holy shit, Derek! What the fuck are you doing here with me? What the fuck is this?”

“I don’t know.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I didn’t intend for it to happen.”‘

“You told me to wait! You could have let me walk away.”

“I planned to. I wasn’t going to go after you.”

“But you did!”

“I know. I… I couldn’t just let you walk away.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” he ground out and sounded like he meant it. I baffled him. I was beyond comprehension.

“Jesus, I am such an idiot,” I spat. “Here I thought… well, it doesn’t matter, does it? I almost trusted you. Even though I told myself that I never would again. God, I’m so stupid.”

“No, Mars, this is my fault,” he said, reaching for me again.

“You’re fucking right it is.” I stepped away from him. “I hope you’re both very happy.”

“Mars.”

I waved him off and stormed away. And for once, he actually let me go.