At First Hate by K.A. Linde

Savannah

July 22, 2017

“I’m fine, girls,” Gran said. “You don’t need to worry.”

Lila and I shared a glance. We’d known each other long enough that we almost had the same twin ESP I had with Maddox. Gran was not okay. That was abundantly clear.

She was in the hospital. The doctor had said early stages of lymphoma. But they were still doing tests to determine what it was and how virulent. Regardless, she was weak. She was hooked up to oxygen and coughing around most of her words. She’d always looked so strong and resilient in my eyes. And right now, she looked so frail. It was the first time I’d ever wished that I’d gone into medicine and not neuroscience. Then, I could have helped her myself. Instead, I was the wrong kind of doctor.

“Stop worrying. Both of you,” she insisted. “You have that reunion of yours tonight. I won’t have you staying home because of me.”

“But Gran,” I said.

“No, but Gran,” she said. She pointed at Lila. “You make sure that she goes.”

“Okay, Gran,” she whispered with a nod.

I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I’ll come back tomorrow.”

“I love you, chickadee.”

“I love you too.”

“Love you, Gran,” Lila said.

We stepped out of the hospital room without words. Lila put her arm around my shoulders and held me that way as we left the hospital.

It wasn’t until we were in the car that she finally spoke, “I’m so sorry, Mars.”

“Me too. She looked so rough.”

“She’s in good hands. They’ll take care of her.”

“I know. I feel helpless, like there’s something else I should be doing.”

“You don’t like to be out of control. I get it. But I’ll be here for you through the whole thing.”

I nodded at her and then tried to shake the malaise off. “We should go to your reunion.”

Mine had been the night before. It had been pretty fun. Not that I kept up with anyone from my high school, except my brother, who had reluctantly gone with us. But I was going to Lila’s more for moral support. Ash would be there, and I knew that she didn’t want to see him. Or at least, she acted like she didn’t want to see him. Not after the church steps at Christmas. What a nightmare.

“You sure you still want to go?” Lila asked. “We could skip.”

“I’m committed.”

Lila shrugged. “Okay. Let’s go show those bitches how awesome we are.”

I laughed as she drove downtown. We parked in a garage near the riverfront property that had been donated by the Talmadge family for the event. Lila had apparently forgotten to actually read the invitation and hadn’t even realized that Ash had gotten them the venue from his family’s real estate fortune. Typical.

“This sounds like a supremely bad idea,” Lila said as we walked up to the reunion.

“You’ve had a shitty few months. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Lila clapped her hand over my mouth. “Don’t jinx us. The worst is always waiting around the corner.”

I couldn’t keep from laughing. “Okay, fine. Chill. It’s just an excuse to be in Savannah while Gran is sick. I don’t know how much longer she has. I wanted you to be here, and I used this as an excuse.”

“Mars,” she said, pulling me into a hug, “I’m so sorry about Gran.”

“Me too,” I whispered. The thought ran unchecked through my mind. All the worst-case scenarios. She was Gran. She was my best friend. My rock. What would I do without her? “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have teaching obligations, but…”

“But if something happens to Gran, then take the time off that you need.”

I nodded and looked away. “Yeah. I’ll figure it out.”

I could take a sabbatical to be here with her for a semester. That was about the best that I could do. I’d have to plan it out for my schedule when I got home. So, when we knew what the prognosis was, I’d be ready.

After taking the elevator up to the top floor, we grabbed name tags and entered the cheesy Catholic high school reunion. At least they were serving alcohol. I wasn’t sure how we’d have survived otherwise. We grabbed drinks and then proceeded to wallflower the entire event.

“I don’t like any of these people,” Lila whispered to me.

I snorted. I couldn’t agree more, but still, I needed to get her through this. “You were here for three years. You had to have liked someone.”

“Yeah, Ash.”

“Right.” I picked at my nails. “Well, there’s Shelly Thomas. Looks like she’s coming over here.”

Lila took a deep breath and let it out. “Let’s just go.”

“What? Really?” I asked.

Lila had partially come to this whole thing to show the girl who had tormented her through her senior year that she was successful. But in the end, it didn’t matter.

“Yeah. Come on.”

I shrugged and turned to follow Lila out. This wasn’t my event anyway. I didn’t need to be here.

Then, I heard a voice behind us. “Marley Nelson.”

The sound of Derek’s voice slid down my back. I froze in place and suddenly forgot how to breathe. What was he doing here? Derek had been a Holy Cross boy, but he’d been two years older than us. Of course, he knew Ash Talmadge. I just hadn’t thought for a moment that he would come to this reunion.

And oh fuck, was his wife here? Did I have to suffer through seeing Kasey in all of her tall, blonde model glory?

Not to mention, I’d still never told Lila what had happened between us. I’d compartmentalized it and shoved it so far away from me that I never, ever had to look at it again. What the fuck was I going to do?

I slowly turned, my eyes narrowing to pinpricks. “Derek.”

“How are you doing? I haven’t seen you since—”

“I remember,” I snapped.

Lila glanced over at me with round eyes. She’d felt the full force of my anger in those couple of words to Derek. She didn’t know what it meant, but she knew it meant something. It was the first time Lila had ever seen Derek and me together. Of course, she’d know as soon as she saw him. Fuck.

“Hey, Derek,” Lila said quickly as if she could defuse the tension.

But Derek was still looking at me. He was fucking smiling. He’d married someone else, and he was smiling at me. In that moment, I hated him. I hated how goddamnhandsome he was in his sharp suit. That he’d somehow filled out even more with broad shoulders and a tapered waist. His hair was shorter than ever. I could barely find the hint of curl that had been there for so many years.

Then, he glanced away from me to my friend. The one person he’d never officially met in my life. He grinned as if it were an inside joke.

“Delilah, right?” he asked.

“That’s right,” Lila said.

“You dated Ash Talmadge.”

As if the bastard hadn’t already known all of that.

Lila flushed. “I did.”

“He’s a cool guy.”

Lila nodded uncomfortably. “Sure.”

And something in me erupted. I couldn’t stand here and pretend that everything was okay. Sure, he’d never met Lila before and jumped at the chance. But he was the one who had married someone else. This was his fault this time. Not mine.

“Leave her alone, Derek. Can’t you see you’re making her uncomfortable?”

“Oh, calm down, Minivan,” he said with a soft laugh. The laugh that said the nickname with a caress and not the bite that other people had said it with. My toes curled in my shoes, and I hated that he could elicit that reaction from me. “We’re just reminiscing.”

“Minivan?” Lila asked in confusion.

“We should go,” I said. “Good-bye, Derek.”

I grabbed Lila’s arm and yanked her away from him.

“What was that?” Lila asked as soon as we were away.

“What was what?”

Lila gave me a pointed look. “You freaked out on him.”

“He’s an asshole.”

Lila pulled back on my arm, dragging me to a stop. “Okay. But I’ve never seen you act like this.”

I clenched my jaw. What the fuck could I say? How could I explain what I’d held back from her all those years? I told her the bare minimum. “He went to Harvard Law when I was there for my PhD. He’s an ass.”

“But he’s hot.”

My face flushed at those words. I pinched myself and looked away. “So?”

“Oh my God, are you into him?” Lila asked, all excited. It was as if she had just sprung water in the desert.

“No!” I gasped fervently. “How could you even suggest that? I hate him!”

“Fine line,” Lila said with a smirk.

“Maybe for you!”

“All right.” She raised her arms in surrender. “If you say so.”

Lila turned back to look at Derek but instead found Ash Talmadge waiting there for her. He smiled at Lila, an invitation for more. For everything with him.

I winced at that look. Ash and Lila were combustible and problematic. I hated how much it reminded me of me and Derek.

“Lila,” I whispered, “are you going to talk to him?”

Ash raised his glass toward us. Lila wavered. She wanted to go, and yet she wouldn’t let herself. Not after what had happened with her, Ash, and Cole.

“No,” she finally said.

I reached for her hand and squeezed. “Are you sure?”

“No.”

Ash stepped forward, need scrawled all over his face.

Lila shook her head. “We should go.”

So, we left.

Iconvinced Lila to head to the riverfront for a drink. We both needed one after that. We’d been sideswiped with feelings that neither of us had wanted to encounter. I still couldn’t believe that Derek had been there.

We sat down at a table overlooking the water, nursing our drinks in silence.

Then, Lila broke it. “You know Derek.”

“Yeah, I do,” I said with a sigh.

“How do you know him?”

My head tipped back. “I know him like you know Ash.”

Lila’s eyes rounded. Those words had said everything I hadn’t been able to say all these years. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know.” I laughed softly and set my drink down. “Yes, I do. I mean, it’s stupid, but if I told you, it would be real.”

Lila shot me a sympathetic look. “Was it that bad?”

“Yes and no. It was… everything. A whole new world that I’d never, ever understood before. It was like I was really breathing for the first time. And then it burned down over and over again.”

Lila touched my hand. “That I do understand. I wish you’d told me. Did Josie know?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Well, at least you had one of us.”

“And Gran.”

“Always Gran,” Lila said softly. “So, when was this?”

“It was when you were in PT school and you were so swamped. I don’t know. I held it secret for so long, expecting it to fall apart and then it did. A self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“Do you still care about him?”

A tear slipped down my cheek, and I swiped at it angrily. “I don’t know.”

“Mars,” she whispered, “no more lying or hiding. It’s me and you. You know how I feel about Ash and Cole. Walking away today was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. Derek married someone else.”

Lila winced. “I’m so sorry.”

“And there was a moment when I thought it could work out again. I was in Savannah for Josie and Maddox’s SCAD thing last Halloween, remember?”

“Yeah. I was at a Falcons game and couldn’t come.”

“That weekend, I ran into Derek. We spent the entire night walking around the city. We nearly kissed, and then he told me he was marrying someone else.”

“What?” Lila gasped. “That’s terrible.”

I buried my face in my hands. All of the pain came crashing down on me all over again. “I wanted it to work out so bad. I’ve never gotten over him. I hate him so much. I hate him with every fiber of my being for the way he hurt and manipulated me, but…”

Lila stroked my back. “But you love him that much too.”

I sniffled, wiping at my eyes, and met my best friend’s gaze. She understood like maybe no one else ever would. “I love him even more. And seeing him, it all comes back every time. I want to punch him and kiss him. I want it to all work out and for him to come crawling back to say he made a huge mistake. But… he’s never going to do that, is he?”

“I don’t know, Mars. But I’m glad you told me, and you’re not alone with this hurt anymore.”

Lila pulled me into a hug. Our broken hearts were still a crushed mess. Even if everything else was demolished and impossible, at least we had each other.