Wanting by Lynn Burke

Addilyn

Irefused to attend dinner, not that I even knew if our so-called family sat down to one.

Lloyd came knocking at my door around bedtime, but I told him I didn’t want to talk. He left me alone without argument. Gideon didn’t knock, not that I’d expected him to, but I wouldn’t have spoken with him either.

He showered while I plugged my ears, and eventually the house rested quietly.

The opposite of my mind.

I’d enjoyed being held by my stepbrother way too much. At first, I’d soaked in the warmth, the comfort of a male hug I hadn’t had since…I couldn’t remember. The memory of my father’s arms hadn’t carried through the years, and I ended up crying against Gideon more over that fact than the way my mother had hurt me yet again.

But then he had to go and get hard and start spewing sick shit.

Which you actually liked.

“Ugh!” I punched my pillow and curled into a ball, aroused and revulsed at the same time.

Hours passed, but I couldn’t sleep. Without a phone, I couldn’t call Jenny to unload and at least hear some verbal comfort. Mother didn’t allow me a laptop in my room after I finished homework, so communication fell short in that area too.

I had nothing.

No one.

And it sucked big balls. Hairy ones like on that goat Jenny and I had giggles over at the farm we’d visited for a field trip in the fifth grade.

Acid seemed to eat away at my stomach, and a little after one in the morning, I decided to sneak downstairs and get something to help ease the ache. I hadn’t eaten since lunch, and between the gut-twisting bullshit with my mother and the unwanted way my body reacted to Gideon and his brutal truth bombs, it was no wonder my stomach complained.

A buttery bagel sounded divine, so that was what I crept around the kitchen for, taking care to make as little noise as possible.

The light flicked on at the same time the toaster popped up my snack, and I let out a muffled shriek around my hand.

Lloyd stood just inside the kitchen in sleep pants and a t-shirt, his dark hair sticking up.

“What are you doing?” I whispered, glancing beyond him. My stomach hardened over the thought Mother might be behind him.

He ambled into the kitchen—without Mother.

“I’m getting a snack,” he said, opening the fridge door. “Why are you in the kitchen this late at night?”

“Sneaking a snack,” I muttered, placing my toasted bagel onto a small plate, my hand still shaking from the adrenaline rush his sudden arrival caused.

He shut the door without retrieving anything and turned to lean against it, arms crossed. “Why sneaking?”

“Because if Mother knew I was down here,” I said, buttering my bagel, “she’d have a fit and take my phone for another week.”

Lloyd stared at me hard, and even though I expected I sounded like a whining toddler, I didn’t have the energy to give a shit.

I slumped at the table and took a big bite. Warm butter oozed, the fresh, delicious bagel filling my mouth and soothing my churning stomach.

“You both said some pretty awful things to each other this afternoon.”

Just when I’d thought he might not be so bad…

I went back for another bite of my divine snack, intent on ignoring him.

“But we all say and do things we don’t always mean.” He grabbed the bag of bagels and pushed one into the toaster.

A few minutes later, he sat beside me with a jelly-slathered snack of his own. “I’m going to ask your mother if she would be open to seeing a therapist.”

I jerked my gaze his way, slowly chewing.

“But telling you is going to be our little secret, okay?” He shoved a huge bite into his mouth.

I nodded and swallowed. “She’s going to explode on you when you suggest it.”

He smiled around his bagel, not speaking until he finished. “I’m hoping she won’t, but if she does, I’m determined to be patient and loving and do what I can to create a happier home for us.”

“That might take manipulation on your part,” I muttered and stuck the last bite of bagel between my lips.

“All I want is for us to be happy,” Lloyd stated quietly. “And I’ll climb mountains if that’s what it takes.”

I got up and washed my plate, knowing the housekeeper would tell Mother if anything was misplaced or sitting where she hadn’t put it before leaving for the night.

Lloyd stood too, and I held out my hand for his plate, washing it up for him.

He leaned against the counter beside me and crossed his arms, pulling his t-shirt tight over his chest. “I can’t promise I’ll get your cell back to you within twenty-four hours like last time you two fought, but I’ll do my best.”

“Thanks,” I whispered.

“Now get back to bed and I’ll make sure to erase the video from the house’s cameras showing our midnight rendezvous.”

Oh shit. I’d forgotten about that.

I paused from leaving the kitchen and turned back toward him, taking two steps to throw my arms around his waist.

Lloyd wasn’t so bad after all.

“Go on.” He squeezed me tight then tugged on my hair. “Hit the sack. Things will be better in the morning.”

Trusting his promise, I headed up the stairs and burrowed beneath my blankets, breathing out a steady, cleansing sigh.

Mother’s husband wanted us to be happy, he wanted to help. With how much he loved her, I found a seed of hope to cling to that things might actually get better, exactly as he’d stated.

Sleep came easier.

Gideon, thankfully, kept his distance as we all tiptoed around each other the next couple of days.

Good thing, too, seeing as how I dreamed about snuggling against him every. Damn. Night. His lap had offered the kind of strength I’d been missing my whole life. Pulling away had physically hurt my heart, but I didn’t trust him. Didn’t trust my hormones to not give in to what he always teased me about.

I hadn’t meant to bash him with my knee, and the hole he’d left in my bedroom wall?

I felt compelled to move the painting beside it enough to hide the damage his anger had caused—since I’d been the responsible one. Why I wanted to protect him from Mother’s wrath, I wasn’t sure. Perhaps because he’d held me and given comfort when I’d needed it most. Or perhaps I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else having to deal with her making them feel small and worthless.

She drank more than was healthy, her eyes red beneath all her makeup. Lloyd doted on her, coddling her like a baby while I was left to fend for myself emotionally.

Chin lifted, I feigned a strength I didn’t feel. At least Mother didn’t confront me over our major altercation. I guess she didn’t know how to handle our outburst any more than I did. Anger continued to grip my stomach tight, making eating difficult. I couldn’t look at her without my heart getting stabbed all over again.

Lloyd must have suggested she see a therapist a few nights after our little snack time together. Even through their bedroom door, I could make out her raised voice and harsh words over being perfectly fine, thank you very much. She didn’t need some head doctor to tell her how to raise her daughter.

Locking myself in the bathroom for a long bath had rid me of their voices, but I noticed Mother began to drink heavily afterward, her eyes glassy and more often than not seeking me out to glare in silent accusation.

Twice in the following two weeks, Gideon and I arrived home from school to find her already returned from work. Smelling of booze. Sprawled in her yellow-everything parlor that did nothing to liven her sallow colored cheeks.

Gideon and I exchanged looks when she slurred her words at dinner time but brushed that shit under the bed.

He’d shared personal things while holding me, giving me a better understanding of both him and his father, but I couldn’t be bothered with empathy. I had enough shit on my plate to worry about.

“I’ve officially cancelled your party,” Mother said over breakfast the Monday before my birthday.

I hated that my spoon of Apple Jacks halted halfway to my mouth, but I shoveled the cereal in, nodding. Not that I’d expected any different or cared, I told myself.

“No cake, no candles,” Mother continued as though rubbing in the extremely late punishment. “No singing, either.”

Gideon’s jaw clenched, but he made no argument, same as I kept my mouth shut while we finished eating. Mother gave a humph—probably annoyed that cancelling my birthday hadn’t seemed to hurt me, but I ignored her.

Lloyd offered a gaze of pity as I hopped up to finish getting ready for school, but I didn’t have the energy to return his small smile.

I wouldn’t get my sweet sixteen, one of the few things I’d looked forward to in life. I’d been holding out on that kiss for nothing.

“You okay?” Gideon asked as we climbed into his car for the drive to school a few minutes later, both of us in sweatshirts rather than winter coats.

“Yep.” I popped the P and pulled out my cell that had finally gotten returned to me before slipping out the door. Lloyd had tried to get it back quickly, and he’d whispered an apology when handing it over, but he hadn’t been able to sway her.

Me: She cancelled my party.

BFF: Bitch!

Me: Right?

BFF: So now what?

Me: Don’t know, don’t care. I just want to fall asleep and not wake up for a few months.

“Want to talk about it?” Gideon asked as my fingers flew over my screen while texting Jenny.

“Nope.”

“Thanks for hanging that picture over the hole in your wall instead of ratting me out.”

I faced him, my gaze narrowing. “When did you go into my room?”

“You left the door cracked open the other day,” he said, not making eye contact. “I saw the picture right there.”

My eyes narrowed further—I didn’t believe a word he said. “Snooping around for another pair of my dirty underwear?”

“Shit.” He grinned and shifted like he was getting a hard-on. “Jerking off just isn’t the same without the scent of you and that silk wrapped around my dick.”

“Sick fuck.”

“You know you want it.”

“Fuck off, Gideon.”

He chuckled, and I turned away with a sniff, lifting my nose into the air so he would see he couldn’t affect me.

When I stomped up the school’s stairs, Jenny’s eyes went wide the second she saw my face. I’d rushed across the parking lot and left Gideon in the dust. “What the hell?”

Guess I still looked mad enough to fight a grizzly. “It’s not that big of a deal,” I stated about the party being cancelled rather than telling her what Gideon had said in his car.

Devon held the door for us to go inside the school, smiling at me as usual.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, falling into step on my other side.

“My mother cancelled my birthday party,” I told him. “Long story—don’t ask.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah.” I tried for a smile that totally wobbled.

“You still want that sweet sixteen kiss?” he asked me, his goofy grin prompting a real one to turn up my lips.

“Of course.”

“Then I’ll just have to throw a party Saturday night because I’ve been looking forward to that day for half my life.”

“Her mom will never let her go,” Jenny said with a laugh from my other side.

“So, she can say she’s sleeping over at your house, and the two of you can sneak out,” Devon said with a shrug.

I considered his suggestion while opening my locker and unloading my backpack. Jenny did the same as me, but Devon lingered as though waiting for an answer while dozens of kids rushed past toward their homerooms.

“I’m always up for a sleepover,” Jenny said, shoving her coat into her locker. “We can hang at my house, tell my parents we’re going to watch a movie in my room, then lock ourselves away. There are no cameras at our place, so sneaking out my bedroom window and across the yard won’t be a problem.”

“And how do you suggest we get to Devon’s?” I asked with more snark than she deserved. “Sure, it’s warming up a bit outside, but while I love walking, two miles in the dark? No thanks.”

“I’ll have my older brother drive over to pick you up.”

I shut my locker and turned to face Devon. Guess he wanted that kiss pretty badly if he offered the older brother he couldn’t stand. “You’d really ask him to do that for me?”

“Addilyn, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for you.” His goofy, adoring grin returned.

One of my best friends, the guy who’d begged me to be his girlfriend since grade school, was going to give me my birthday wish.

I nodded, feeling lighter than I had in weeks. Months.

“Okay.” I glanced at Jenny. “Okay. It’s a plan. We’re going to lie and sneak out like real teenagers.”

“That’s my girl.” Devon bumped my elbow and scurried away.

“I’m not your girl,” I muttered to myself.

“That boy is so far gone on you.”

I snorted at Jenny, both of us turning toward our homeroom. “Since the second grade when I tripped him by accident while playing tag.”

“He scraped up his knee,” Jenny said.

“And laying there on the ground he told me—”

“—I think I like you,” we both said at the same time and laughed.

Poor guy. I was half tempted to agree to be his girlfriend just for being so faithful. Devon. The one guy friend I had and the only person besides Jenny I could count on.

A shiver slid down my spine, and I glanced over my shoulder while walking into class.

Gideon studied me from where he stood by his locker.

I lifted my chin and turned away, refusing to admit to myself I could count on him too.

I waited until Thursday night after dinner to attempt to set my plan into place. Mother had two glasses of wine with her meal and a third settled in her hand as she and Lloyd headed to the parlor. She’d smiled a few times at dinner while speaking with her doting husband, and I thought I might stand a chance of getting her to agree.

The birthday hadn’t been a topic of conversation in three days, and with all the sudden drinking, maybe she’d forgotten what day Saturday was to me.

“Oh, I wanted to ask if I could sleep over at Jenny’s on Saturday,” I said, stopping at the stairs leading to the second floor, one foot on the bottom riser.

Mother and Lloyd paused in their walk to the parlor, both glancing my way.

“We’re going to watch our favorite movie and eat a bunch of popcorn and Swedish Fish.”

Lloyd’s gaze seared my face, but I kept my focus on Mother who weaved a bit, leaning on him. Guess she’d had a glass or two prior to dinner too.

“Didn’t we have dinner plans for Saturday anyway, darling?” Lloyd asked mother, squeezing her tight against his side. “I’m sure it would be okay for our sweetheart to go.”

The guy really wasn’t so bad after all.

“That’s fine,” Mother said, waving her free hand as though she couldn’t be bothered with me.

He shot me a quick wink, and I mouthed a ‘thank you’ as he kept his smiling eyes on me while steering her around toward the parlor.

I offered him his first grin and sailed up the stairs. Once I disappeared from sight, I let my excitement out, breathless giggles bursting from me.

“She said yes,” I holler-whispered into my cell the second Jenny answered my call.

“Oh my god! I was sure she’d make you stay home.”

“She’s so damn drunk, she probably doesn’t even know what day it is.”

Jenny laughed.

“Now to figure out how to get me over there,” I said, sprawling onto my back on my bed.

“I already asked my mom if we could pick you up.”

“Sweet!” I laughed again, that light feeling of having things go my way for once filling my chest. “You’re sure they won’t check on us after we lock ourselves in your room?”

“I’m sure. You know how much they trust me.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “and it’s well-earned. You’re one of the few people I trust.”

“Who else?”

“Devon,” I didn’t hesitate to answer. I considered naming Lloyd too but decided to keep that bit to myself, considering how much I’d claimed to hate him and his son. “Can you believe he’s willing to throw a party for me? I mean, what a sweetheart!”

“He just wants that kiss,” Jenny said with a snort.

“Well, he’s definitely getting that kiss Saturday night,” I stated, butterflies dancing in my belly. “He deserves it for going out of his way to make my birthday special.”

We chatted a bit more and made plans on what to wear, knowing Devon’s dad would have a big bonfire outside like he usually did whenever they allowed him to have friends over. Hardly any snow had dumped on us since early February, and the warmer weather had pretty much melted all the white except for plowed piles here and there.

Spring seemed to have arrived early—and I finally had something to look forward to again.