Outrageously in Love by Jen Morris

24

Iset my phone down on the table in front of me and secure my earphones, tilting the screen up so the front camera catches my face. I got out of Luke’s place quickly, making a lame excuse about being tired. I’m pretty sure he saw through that, though. He saw me for the scared little liar I really am.

But I need to process everything. I convinced myself that having sex with Luke would somehow get it out of my system, but how bloody delusional am I? The more I think about it, the more I realize there is no getting Luke out of my system. And the more I think about that, the more I panic.

So I caught a cab home to the Village, stopping in at Beanie to call Steph. She’s the only person I can speak to about this. My stomach is swirling as I press her name in my contacts, and when the call connects, relief engulfs me.

“Oh my God, your hair!” Steph gapes at me through the screen on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her properly since our last call and I miss her like mad. Seeing her now, I feel myself begin to relax. She’ll help me figure this Luke stuff out.

“You like it?” I turn my head, showing off my red locks for her.

“I love it! I can’t believe you dyed your hair. A week and a half ago you were worried about wearing red lipstick. And now…”

A grin creeps onto my lips. “That’s not the only new thing I’ve done; I went on a trapeze the other day.” I’m tempted to tell her about John Stamos, but that might be too much.

“A trapeze!?” Her eyes widen with shock. “Harriet George! What the hell has happened to you?”

I chuckle, amused by her response. I guess she has a point; two weeks ago if you’d told me I would be saying these things, I wouldn’t have believed you for a second.

“Honestly, Harri. I know you said you were going to be more adventurous, but this is next level. Dying your hair bright red, going on a trapeze—not to mention sex in an airplane bathroom. Ooh, speaking of, are you getting on alright with the best man?”

Heat rises up my neck as I examine my cup of tea. “Erm, yeah. We’re getting on really well.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means…” I take a long sip of tea, bursting with my need to tell her everything. “It means I, um, slept with him again.”

“What?”

I set my cup down, resisting the urge to grin like an idiot. “I know. It just sort of happened.”

“Wow.” Steph arches an eyebrow and I grimace, thinking back to our last conversation.

“I know I said I wouldn’t, but—”

“Don’t ruin this for yourself,” Steph says, holding up a hand. She knows me too well. “You’re only human. Besides, I’m loving this wild new Harriet!”

This time I can’t hold in my grin. “Me too.”

“Was it as good as last time?”

“Um… yes.” Understatement.

She lets out a little shriek. “Well, what’s happening with him then? Are you going to do it again?”

My smile slips. “Oh, no. We probably shouldn’t.”

“But you want to?”

My head nods without my consent and I curse myself for being so weak. A week and a half ago I didn’t even know this guy, and I didn’t spend most of my waking minutes picturing his lips on mine. I was perfectly happy in my own bubble, disappearing into make-believe worlds in my books, existing only to go to work and come home, living a life that was safe and predictable, perhaps a little boring, but comforting in its own way. I was perfectly happy.

But… was I really? I thought I was, but after this past week—after tonight—I’m not sure. Meeting Luke has changed me. I’ve never connected with someone like this, I’ve never felt this kind of chemistry—and we’ve already covered the other thing he’s helped me with. But it’s not just sexual, it’s everything. When I’m with him, I feel like someone else. Someone who isn’t quite so afraid, someone full of life. I feel like a better me.

“If you want him,” Steph says, interrupting my thoughts, “you should go for him.”

I trace my finger around my teacup, thinking about this—about what it would be like if I showed up at his place tomorrow and told him that I want to do it again. And again. That I don’t want to stop.

A thrill shoots up my spine at the thought. It’s the same sensation I felt after going on the trapeze, the kind that was equal parts terrifying and exhilarating. The kind that tells me to do it.

But guilt is tugging at me, reminding me how important it is that I get everything organized for Alex, that I don’t do something stupid and ruin her wedding. After all, Luke is going to be there with Dena and he’s insistent he has to pretend to be married. I might wish that wasn’t the case, but it’s what Luke wants to do and I’m going to respect that.

I rub my face, exhaling. “It’s not that easy, Steph. With the wedding and everything… it’s risky.” And as much as I hate to think about it, I’m leaving in a week. After the wedding is over, I have to go home and pretend that none of this has happened.

I swallow, feeling empty at the thought of going back to my old life. My life without Luke. If anything, that makes me want to make every moment with him count, to do everything I can with him.

“Well, think of it this way,” Steph says. “Would you be okay if this was it? If you never kissed him again?”

My chest constricts. “No.”

“Exactly. So what if it’s a little risky? I’m sure you can manage the wedding at the same time. You’d never let this get in the way.”

“Maybe,” I mumble, unconvinced.

“Besides, what did Hermione say?” Steph pauses, thinking. “Something about how it’s exciting to break the rules?”

I laugh. “I can’t believe you remember that.”

“You’ve made me watch those films with you a hundred times. I know way more about Hermione than I’d like.” Steph rolls her eyes, but her lips twist with a little smile.

“Right. But you’re forgetting one thing—they got caught. So…”

“Oh shit, yeah. Okay then, think about it as Harriet 2.0—she wouldn’t let anything stop her.” Steph peers close at the screen for a moment then frowns. “Shit, my boss is calling. I’d better take it. But I want a full update on this soon, okay?”

“Okay.” I end the call with a sigh.

When I get back to the apartment, my suitcase is sitting inside the front door. I haven’t seen it since I checked it into the airport back in New Zealand, and it takes me a second to recognize it.

“Hey.” Alex glances up from her spot on the sofa where she’s working on her laptop, her face lit by the glow of the screen.

“My suitcase,” I say flatly, slipping my boots off.

“Yeah. It came for you this evening.”

I look at it, feeling an odd sensation behind my sternum. So much has happened since I got on that flight, it feels like it doesn’t belong to me anymore.

“You must be relieved,” Alex says, tapping away on her keyboard. “You’ve got all your stuff, finally.”

I don’t reply. Instead, I drag the suitcase into the bedroom and close the door behind me. Hauling it up on the bed, I enter the code to unlock the padlock on the zipper and pop it open. Inside are all my things, undisturbed, as if frozen in time: my jeans, my simple T-shirts, my plain cotton underwear that doesn’t match, my sensible shoes—and of course, several books.

And as much as I recognize all of the items, I’m not sure I recognize the woman who wore them anymore. The objects that I carefully selected to bring with me, the things that once comforted and defined me, no longer have the same meaning. They feel like relics of a bygone era, props from an old movie I once starred in.

I was waiting for my suitcase to arrive and now that it’s here, I don’t want it. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to dress in clothes that make me feel invisible, to bury my nose in a book and forget about my actual life.

No. For the first time, I want to live my own life out loud, in my fun new clothes with my red hair and a man who rocks my world in bed. I know it’s risky to pursue something with Luke, but Steph’s right: my alter ego would take the risk. And I want to be her. I want to be brave enough to try.

I contemplate the suitcase for another second, then zip it back up and stuff it under Henry’s bed. I won’t be needing it after all, because now I know what I want. I want Luke, and tomorrow, I’m going to tell him just how much.