Outrageously in Love by Jen Morris
42
It’s been a rough week. Luke was supposed to be back by now, but he couldn’t get on a flight out of New Zealand for three days, and then out of the blue he got a call to say that the Houston company does want to partner with him, so he’s had to stop there before he can come back to New York.
Since our video chat I’ve been keeping busy with the cafe, and I haven’t been doing it alone; I reached out to Geoff and Cat, who have been very enthusiastic, and Myles is working on branding and a website for me. I haven’t told Alex yet, but I did tell her I’ll be sticking around in New York for a while. I could hear her squeal from the other side of the planet.
I’ve been staying at the hotel but it’s getting pricey. As soon as my visa comes through, I’ll have to find a place of my own. Mum will have a hernia that she’s losing another daughter over here, but right now that’s the last thing on my mind.
It’s a crisp morning as I wander along the street towards work, my breath coming out in a cloud in front of me. I arrive at the front door and unwind my scarf, pulling my keys out of my bag, but the door is already unlocked. When I push my way inside, I hear the hum of the espresso machine—one of the first things I bought, because I figured we’d all work much more efficiently with a regular supply of coffee.
“Hey, chick!” Paula’s head pops out. “Coffee?”
“Morning! Yes. Please.” I smile, shrugging off my coat as the high-pitched screech of the milk-frother fills the space. Seeing Paula behind the counter over the past few days has brought a sense of comfort and familiarity to what has been a daunting endeavor. I asked her if she wanted to run the place with me, but she insisted that it should be all mine. I’m kind of glad she did.
We sip our coffees in silence, gazing around at the blank slate before us. All the broken drywall and old fixtures have been removed and the wooden floor and counter have been sanded back to the grain. It’s good progress, but it’s a far cry from where it needs to be.
Coffee consumed, Paula disappears to clean and organize the kitchen, and I set out some little pots of yellow paint to test on the bare walls. As I work, my mind wanders to Luke. I’m trying to be positive, I really am, but he told me he couldn’t wait to see me and it’s been a whole week now. I know he’s busy—and, you know, he did fly to the other side of the world for me and everything—but I can’t shake the feeling that something is off. We’ve been texting since our video chat but over the past couple of days I’ve hardly heard a peep. What if he’s changed his mind, or somehow figured out that I lied to him?
I try to push the thought from my mind for the rest of the day but it’s a struggle. I’m tired after working my ass off all week and my nerves are frayed to bits from worrying about things with Luke.
We’re just finishing up for the day when my phone buzzes. I hear it, sitting on the counter, and my heart lunges against my ribs when I see a message from Luke.
Luke: Hey, Harri. Can you come by tonight?
I stare at the words, trying to decipher the tone. There’s no “I’ve missed you, baby!” or “I’m back and I can’t wait to see you!” Just cool, casual, detached. He didn’t even text to tell me he was leaving Houston.
Shit. I don’t want to think about what this means.
My belly fills with butterflies as I lock up the store and take a cab to Chelsea. I can’t sit still; I’m a jittery ball of nervous energy. Now that I’m seeing him, I have to tell him the truth. I don’t know what I’m more worried about—that he’ll be shocked to realize I’m not who he thought I was, or hurt because I lied. It doesn’t matter, really. All that matters is that if he decides he can’t be with me after everything, I don’t think I’ll be able to come back from that.
The door is ajar when I get to his floor, so I give it a tentative push. “Hello?” I call, and the butterflies in my middle turn into a furious swarm of hornets.
But as I step inside, I realize I’ve made a mistake. The walls are dark, the floors exposed wood, the lighting dim and warm.
“Sorry, wrong apartment,” I say, hastily backtracking through the door.
“Wait!” Luke wanders out of the kitchen, grinning. “Harriet, come in here.”
I blink, taking in his familiar, tall figure and the huge smile lighting his handsome face. My feet have a mind of their own as they lead me back inside, and I peel my eyes away from him to take in the space around us, my jaw hanging open.
It’s not the wrong apartment, but everything is different. Gone are the gleaming, sterile, white surfaces, the chrome and LED lights. He’s stripped back the carpet to reveal wooden floorboards which are stained a dark chocolate brown. The walls, once blindingly white, are Prussian blue, and the bright lighting has been replaced with yellow bulbs which give the place a warm, golden glow. The kitchen has been redone with a dark granite countertop, the white sofa has been replaced with a chunky, tan leather three-seater, and his fancy gaming wall panel is gone. In its place is an exposed brick wall, and a low wooden cabinet with the TV sitting right on top—not hiding.
“What do you think?” Luke’s voice is close behind me and I spin around, breathless.
“It’s… It’s… Wow.” I’m shaking my head, trying to process how different the place feels from before. It’s like night and day. And this is fresh—I can smell the paint. I notice he’s kept the huge metal bookshelves along the wall, and I’m glad.
Luke cocks his head, keeping his eyes on mine. “You like it?”
“I love it,” I breathe.
He nods, not saying anything more.
Now’s your chance, the rational voice in my head says. Tell him the truth. But my lips won’t move. Instead, I drink in the man before me like an oasis in the desert. He’s had a haircut recently, and his beard is thicker. His eyes look tired, but they’re sparkling as they silently roam my face, making my pulse rush. He’s wearing jeans and a black long-sleeved tee with the Star Wars logo on it, and when I spot a clock on the kitchen wall in the shape of the Millennium Falcon, I think my heart is going to burst.
This man… look at him. I love him so much it hurts. He’s everything.
“I got back from Houston two days ago,” he says at last. “But I couldn’t call you. Not until I was ready. I wanted to make sure this place was perfect when I asked you to move in with me.”
My breath stills in my lungs. “What?”
“I told you I would do everything I could to make up for what I did at the wedding. I let you down in the worst way, at the worst time, and I didn’t want to face you until I could prove that I wouldn’t let you down again. Alex told me you’re sticking around for a while, and”— he shrugs, his mouth lifting into a shy smile—“I was hoping you might… move in here.”
Holy fuck. Is he for real?
“I love you.” The words jump from my mouth before I can register what I’m saying. Seeing him again—in this dream apartment that he’s asking me to share with him—I can’t think straight.
His eyes light with surprise, the smile on his face growing wider, but I can’t enjoy it. I need to come clean.
“But there’s something I have to tell you.” I swallow, knowing it’s now or never. “I lied to you, Luke. I told you I was someone who loves to be adventurous, who goes skydiving and lives life on the edge. I told you those things because you were a stranger on a plane and I thought I’d never see you again. Then, the more time we spent together, the more it seemed like you liked that wild side of me and the more I became afraid that if you knew the truth you wouldn’t like the real me.”
His face softens and he opens his mouth to speak, but I can’t stop now. My heart is knotted into a tight ball in my chest, my breathing shallow as I keep going.
“The real me doesn’t seek out thrills, because most of the time I’m too scared. I didn’t even want to come to New York for Alex’s wedding, I was so afraid of the city. I let you believe I was someone who loves to do crazy, outrageous things, and I shouldn’t have. Because that’s not who I am.” I stop here, thinking I’m done, but more words come spilling out, desperate to be heard. “Since the wedding, I’ve learned something, though. I thought I had to be fearless, but I don’t. What really matters is being brave—choosing to act, even if I’m scared.” Tears well in my eyes and I swipe at them quickly before they fall. “So I might not be the woman I told you I was on the plane, but I’m learning how to look at things that scare me and not let them win. And that includes telling you the truth, telling you I’m in love with you, and hoping you still want me.” My voice is so shredded with emotion it’s barely audible, but it doesn’t matter. I have no words left.
Luke gazes at me for what feels like an eternity. “You’re wrong,” he says at last, and my pulse crashes.
“What?”
“You said you’re not wild, but I’ve seen that side to you. On the trapeze, skinny-dipping in the lake, in the reception hall that night, and fuck”—he gives a little grunt, his eyes glinting—“that time I bent you over the kitchen island… You are wild. You make me wild. I think we bring out that side in each other.”
In spite of everything, a smile touches my lips. He’s right. I might not be naturally adventurous, but with him I’ve done more outrageous things than I ever have. He does make me want to be wild.
“Harriet…” Luke takes a step towards me, shaking his head with a funny little smile. “You are the bravest, most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I don’t care about some stupid lie you told me when we were strangers, because I know who you are now. I know you were bullied in high school and you had panic attacks and it scared you. I know you love books and games, that you’re anxious when you’re on the subway, that you dream of running your own cafe. I know how you like to be touched, what makes you feel good, what makes you feel safe. I know that you’re sweet and caring and you’ll do anything for your sister—or anyone who asks for your help.” He pauses, his eyes gleaming, and my heart takes off at a gallop. “I do know you, Harri. And if there’s anything else I don’t know, then I want to get to know it. Because I’m in love with you, too.”
I press my eyes shut, letting tears spill down my cheeks. His words pour over me, a balm to my raw heart, my frazzled nervous system, my anxious mind. All that worrying, but he wants me just as I am. He always has.
When I open my eyes, I find him watching me hopefully, his cheeks moist. I step forward and reach a hand up to him, dragging my thumb over his cheek.
“Are you sure?” I whisper. “Are you sure you don’t care that I’m not fearless?”
His eyes crinkle into a smile, his hands settling on my waist. “The only thing I care about is you—is having you in my life. And since you’re sticking around, will you stick around here, with me?”
I nod eagerly. Because now that I know he’s in love with me—the real me—fuck. That’s all I want.
The corner of his mouth twitches. “Even though I’m not John Stamos?”
“Actually,” I say, smothering a smile, “if you must know, I am more of a Bob Saget girl.”
He throws back his head in laughter and the sound makes my whole body tingle. God, I missed him.
“Luke…” I look around the apartment in disbelief. “I can’t believe you finally redecorated. How did you get it done so fast?”
“When I came back from the cabin to this empty, miserable apartment, I kind of lost it. I couldn’t stand the sight of this place, the way it made me feel. I started ripping things out and called contractors in the next day. When I had to fly out to New Zealand, Andrea offered to oversee the work.”
“It looks amazing. Like a totally different place.”
Luke nods. “Good. That’s what I wanted. I should have done this a long time ago, but I needed you to help me see. Not just with the apartment, Harri, with everything. I thought working on this place would take my mind off you, but the more I tore out, the more I realized what a mistake I’d made by walking away from you at the wedding. And then when Mike called…” He lowers his gaze in shame, then brings it back to mine, resolute. “I will never let you down like that again. I want you to know, I’m all in.”
Those words send happiness rolling through me like a wave. “I am too,” I murmur. His hands are still resting on my waist and I reach down, pushing his sleeves back. Then I slide my fingers over the warm skin of his forearms, squeezing the muscle. “I missed these arms.”
He chuckles. “I missed your everything.”
That might be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. “Me too,” I say, stepping forward to kiss him. But before I can, he cocks his head.
“Why did you come back to the city? Was it for me?”
I nod.
“But I wasn’t here. So why did you stick around?”
“Um…” I chew my lip, trying to play it cool. I don’t want to tell him, not yet. I want to show it to him when it’s finished and looking amazing. But that will be weeks away and I can’t wait that long. “I rented that space Isaac showed us.”
Luke’s eyebrows spring up. “Seriously?”
“Yeah.” My mouth pulls into a ridiculous grin. I am so not playing this cool.
“Oh my God, Harri!” He beams, practically vibrating with excitement. “That’s amazing! You’re doing the cafe?”
“I am. It’s because of your help, Luke, and your encouragemen—”
My words die away as Luke hauls me into his arms and covers my mouth with his in a hot, ravenous kiss. “Fuck, I love you,” he says against my lips, and I let out a blissful sigh. As he kisses me, I forget everything but the feel of his hands on my back, the sweep of his tongue over mine, the way he makes my heart feel full and happy.
Then he picks me up and carries me into the bedroom, and we make love under the stars as if the world is ending and we’re the only two people alive.