Badge by K.L. Savage

 

Eighteen years old

I’m not like the other teenagers my age. I don’t spend my time partying or slacking off, hoping my parents will buy me a new car. When I do something, I take responsibility for it. I have pretty supportive parents and a healthy home, so that helps. I know the difference between right and wrong.

So when my high school sweetheart Haley told me she was pregnant, I did the only thing a man could do. I got my G.E.D., and with our parents’ permission, we got married. It’s been a lot to take on, but it’s been worth it.

Being a cop while having a newborn is hard. Haley has been a little resentful, but what does she expect? I have to be able to afford our home and bills. I’m doing the best I can with the time I have, and since I’m a rookie, I have to take the hard shifts, which are the nights. I have to prove myself. It’s the worst shift to have because I know Haley needs help at night. She needs rest and my mom comes over as much as she can.

“You okay, Rookie?” my partner asks. His name is Emerson. He’s been on the force for nearly thirty years and because of his age, they stick him with the rookies to show them the ropes. He’s a good guy, if a little stereotypical. The cliché cop who loves donuts. He has a big round stomach and a thick silver mustache. He always has a bit of powdered sugar on his uniform, right in the middle where he sets the box on his stomach.

I rub my eyes from the exhaustion. Night after night of only getting three hours of sleep is getting to me. When I get off shift, I like to hang out with my daughter Amber. She’s so small, so perfect, so damn beautiful. I try to spend as much time with her as I can, but it’s so hard. I want to do more as a dad and as a husband, but Haley doesn’t work because we can’t afford childcare, so she stays home to take care of Amber.

It’s a lose-lose situation. I don’t know what I can do better.

“Just tired.”

“I remember when my girls were born. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.”

“Any advice?” I question as I turn down a street known for drug deals.

“Not really. You just have to get through it. It will test your relationship, but I’m telling you, all these tough times? You’ll look back on ‘em, Rookie. You’ll see.”

“Tell Haley that,” I grumble, staring out the window as we roll by each rundown house.

Emerson sighs. “Listen, Rookie. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve been married for forty years. I got married in high school just like you, got pregnant too young, like you, and we have been through the worst of shit. She’s new to this just like you. Give her a little slack.”

She isn’t giving me any.

Now I sound like a real asshole.

“Yeah, you’re right. I know.” It doesn’t stop the inkling in the back of my mind. We’re so young. Part of me can’t help but wonder if we would have gotten married at all if she hadn’t gotten pregnant. I think we were together for so long because we were each other’s first everything—and then so much time passed, we didn’t know how to be without each other.

Lately, she’s been so different, and I mean even before her pregnancy. She was distant, zoned-out, and her temper was getting out of control. And then after she had the baby, it’s become even worse.

I read in one of the books about postpartum depression, but what the hell do I know? I try to do whatever I can, and I feel like it isn’t enough.

I almost feel like she hates me and Amber, which hurts, but I hope Emerson is right. I hope this is all in my head and we can build our family together. We will be okay.

“Shots fired at 765 Ruthless Drive,”dispatch announces over the radio.

“Ah, shocker. It’s your first night going to the Ruthless Kings’ Clubhouse. You ready?” Emerson asks, flipping on the sirens and the lights.

I’ve heard stories about these bikers. They are notorious criminals, but apparently, they have an in with the department. The captain likes to use them for frowned-upon things that wouldn’t look too great on the police department’s name.

“Fucking sweet!” I cheer, sounding way too happy to report to a call where shots are fired.

Emerson chuckles at me, but responding to a biker gang’s clubhouse is so much better than roaming the streets waiting for something to happen. I know, it’s bad to be excited for something to happen, but being a cop can be boring.

“You say that now, but just wait. They aren’t the type of people you fuck around with.”

I’d love to be that kind of guy one day—or that kind of cop. I want to be respected. Maybe a little bit feared. I want people to look at me like I'm a complete badass. But I have a lot to learn beforehand. Fuck, I haven’t ever shot my weapon outside of training. Granted, I’ve only been a cop for six months. I got in just before Haley had the baby, so we had health insurance.

Whew. Who would have thought having a baby would be so expensive?

“You can floor it, Rookie. It’s time for speed.” Emerson grins.

“Holy shit. I get to go above the speed limit? Fucking sweet.” I slam on the gas and Emerson’s crackled laugh overpowers the sirens.

Cars drift out of the way as we zoom through the highway, our lights and sirens blaring. I get a thrill from the engine roaring like a mighty beast.

“Ah, fucking love Rookies. I don’t know why the other cops complain. You’re so damn eager.” He holds onto the gray plastic ‘oh-shit’ handle and with the other hand, presses the button on the radio. “Unit 247 responding,” he replies. “Alright kid, show me what you got.”

I have to take a hard left at the next light, but I’m in the far right-hand lane. “Oh, you better get ready, old man,” I warn him and when the light turns red, I rip the emergency brake up, and the car fishtails and drifts. Rubber burns. Smoke fills all the mirrors, and the scent tickles my nose.

“Fuck yeeeeeesss!” Emerson shouts. I swear the damn car begins to tilt, threatening to roll.

But we don’t.

The car slows from the brake, but we don’t stop. I gun it again, my vision tunneling from the speed and my heart racing from the adrenaline. My hands are sweating on the leather of the wheel as I follow the GPS to our destination.

Cars continue to pull off the road to get out of our way and the clubhouse comes up on the right. I slow and pull into the parking lot, flipping the sirens off but keeping the lights on. I make sure to be extra careful around the bikes as I park, not wanting to hit any of them. I can’t imagine the fiasco that would cause.

The front door bursts open just as Emerson and I undo our seatbelts and two men hit the ground in a scuffle. I’m up and out of the car quicker than Emerson is. I don’t place my hand on my weapon because it’s a fight.

Fights happen, especially between hot-headed men.

I grab the one on top and pull him off the other, lacing his arms behind his back. He isn’t much bigger than me, so he’s easy to subdue. The guy on the ground begins to get up but Emerson is there, cuffing his hands behind his back to stop him from attacking.

Right. Cuffs. Duh. Jesus, I am a rookie. I slap the handcuffs on his wrists and listen to the guys arguing with each other.

“You were supposed to have my back!” Emerson’s guy spits. He’s wearing no shirt or cut, but he has a few wounds bleeding from various parts of his torso.

Are those… nail marks?

“Have your back? Fuck you. You were fucking my ol’ lady!” my guy snaps, trying to rip himself out of my hold.

“Really, fellas? A domestic dispute? You couldn’t give us something juicy? Like drugs?” Emerson sighs and a guy off to the side smoking a cigarette next to his bike chuckles.

“Ah, come on, Emerson. You know better than that. We’re clean.”

“As the bathroom stall at the station,” Emerson grumbles. “Which is not clean, to clarify.”

I snicker and all heads turn towards me.

I gulp.

Oh, fuck me.

“Who’s the badge, Emerson? New guy for us to play with?”

“Be nice, Taz,” Emerson warns.

“I didn’t know she was your ol’ lady, man. I didn’t know. Why aren’t you mad at her? She’s the whore.”

“You don’t know when to shut up, do you?” my guy sneers at his friend.

His ex-friend?

“We got a report about gun shots?” I finally manage to speak up, keeping my hands locked around my perp’s wrists.

“Cause he tried to shoot me.”

“Oh, fuck you, Pudge. You were fucking my woman, of course I tried to shoot you.”

“Come on, Fingers. It ain’t like that. I didn’t know you had made that decision.”

“Do you want to file charges?” Emerson asks Pudge. His name makes no sense to me, because he isn’t fat at all. The guy looks like he can bench press eight of me.

“No,” he scoffs. “Are you kidding? I really meant no harm. I wouldn’t ever do that on purpose.”

“And will you play nice? Maybe you guys can learn to share,” I offer to them before I realize what I had just said. Everyone’s eyes fall on me, including the two we have in cuffs. “Uh, what I mean is… what I mean… I meant—”

Everyone bursts out laughing, including Emerson. His big belly bounces and he presses a hand to his side.

“Shit, Emerson. Where did you find him?” The one named Taz tosses his cigarette on the ground and strolls to me.

I swallow when I see all of his tattoos and scars.

He could kill me.

“You don’t look like you’re old enough to drink,” he notices.

“I’m eighteen.”

“Fuck me. Can’t believe you can be a cop at eighteen yet can’t drink a beer. Tell you what, when you get off work, I’ll buy you one.”

“I didn’t hear that, Taz. Come on. You can’t say shit like that around me,” Emerson gripes.

“I was kidding,” he protests, adding a wink as he stares at me. “Tell me, Badge. What makes you think they would share? Some of us don’t like sharing.” He lifts a pierced brow at me and sweat begins to bead around my temples.

It’s my first encounter with a known dangerous person. My heart is racing, but it’s different from when I was driving the car past the speed limit. I’m afraid if I say the wrong thing, he’ll kill me.

“Relax, Badge. Relax. You won’t get hurt. We like the cops. You do things for us, we do things for you. It’s a good system.”

“Right.” I let out a breath. “I just figured maybe she wanted both of these… gentlemen. Maybe it’s an option they can pursue if they want. I don’t know.”

“You have an ol’ lady?” Taz’s eyes fall to my wedding ring.

“Yes, sir. I have a daughter, too. She’s two months old,” I say proudly and without shame. I might be young, but I’m proud of my family.

“Good for you,” he says. “When that fails, you come to me, okay? I’m always looking for prospects like you.”

I keep my snort in check. It isn’t the first time someone openly has had no faith in my marriage, and it won’t be the last.

“Thanks for the offer,” I tell him honestly because in the back of my mind, something tells me I’ll need to take him up on his offer.

It’s okay to have a Plan B.

“I’m okay with it,” the guy I’m holding, Fingers, mumbles under his breath.

“Really? I don’t mind either,” Pudge agrees, and Emerson rolls his eyes and unlocks the cuffs from around the perp’s wrist.

I follow his lead and do the same. The two guys hug it out, then run inside. A girl’s playful scream fills the air and then a door slams.

“Glad we could be of service,” Emerson says before stomping over to the patrol car and slamming the door. He picks up the box of donuts we got earlier and bites into one.

Taz slaps my shoulder before I can move. I know I’m a cop and he should be somewhat afraid of me, but I know it’s him that has the upper hand. “He’s just mad. Emerson is the kind of guy that loves a little action. He doesn’t get much of it these days. We try to humor him,” he explains.

“Sure. Well, it was nice meeting you, Taz.”

“I’m the President of the Ruthless Kings Oklahoma Chapter. I have a feeling you’ll be back. I’ll be seeing you around, Badge.” The orange flicker of the lighter ignites a faint glow on his face as he lights another cigarette. “Kiss your wife for me,” he adds with a smirk. Taz turns around to head inside and I’m stuck staring at the skull on the back of his cut.

Feels a bit familiar. I don’t know why.

“Come on now, Rookie. Our shift is over. I know you want to see that cute baby of yours,” Emerson hollers out of the car.

I settle my hands on my belt and head to the driver’s side. I take one last look at the clubhouse, then climb into the patrol car.

“He doesn’t ask everyone to prospect. He must like you. Makes sense. You’re a loyal guy. Loyalty goes a long way here,” Emerson explains as I reverse out of the parking lot.

I lift a shoulder. “He doesn’t know anything about me.”

“You told him you were eighteen, married, and with a baby. That’s all he needs to know. You might not see it, but not all teens are like you. They don’t all push forward like you did. You can make a career here. If you haven’t heard, I’m proud of you for that.”

I nod and clear my throat. It feels so good to hear. “Thank you, Emerson. It means a lot.” My parents might be great with their grandbaby, and I know they love me, but I know they aren’t proud of my situation. They wanted me to enjoy my youth and now I’m strapped down.

But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love Amber.

“Just stay away from my donuts and we won’t have issues.”

We both laugh and, fifteen minutes later, we pull into the police station. I get to take the patrol car home tonight, which I’m so excited about. Amber loves the lights. I drop Emerson off at his car and head home.

There are only a few cars out this late and the ones that are speeding aren’t going too far over the speed limit, so I let it slide. I just want to get home at this point.

I pull into our small two-bedroom home and notice the living room light on, which is unusual for this time of night, but I figure Haley is awake with the baby.

A breath releases from me and I tilt my head back against the seat, shutting my eyes for a second before I go inside. It’s going to be the same old same old.

“You’re never here.”

“You don’t help me.”

“She’s never going to know you.”

“What kind of father are you? You aren’t even here.”

“Did it ever occur to you that I’d like to get out of the house too?”

It’s not like I leave to go get a beer. I go to work and come home. I’m not like most guys my age. I don’t fuck around like that when I know I have a family waiting for me. I know what I have inside, and I know it’s worth it.

I just don’t know if Haley feels the same.

Knowing the argument isn’t going to have itself, I step out of the car and carefully shut the door, so it doesn’t make a loud noise. Rubbing my eyes to wake up a bit, I walk through the humid night—and nearly trip over the garden gnome.

“Goddamn it,” I curse, kicking the thing across the lawn. I hate it. I trip over it every damn morning.

Haley always says, “Well, if you used the walkway, you wouldn’t trip over it.”

Whatever.

Logic.

The keys jingle when I pluck them out of my pocket. I unlock the door, sighing in relief from the cool air. I tiptoe as quietly as I can so I don’t wake anyone and timidly place the keys on the hook.

I roll my neck and crack it, then see Haley on the couch passed out, sound asleep. Her arm is hanging off and her mouth is open. I chuckle and then head into Amber’s room to check on my favorite girl.

The hallway is long, lined with photos of us to make it feel like home, but the only thing I can’t stand is the floors.

They fucking creak with every step I take.

I come to her door, which is decorated with a pink A hanging in the middle surrounded by glow-in-the-dark stars. I turn the handle and the first thing that hits my nose is the smell of baby wipes and baby powder. If someone had told me how many diapers and wipes we would use just in the first week alone, I would have laughed at them.

But holy hell. So… much… shit.

Everywhere. All the fucking time.

The floors stop creaking when they switch over from hardwood to carpet. In the corner is a rocking chair, and to the left of that is the changing table. Against the other wall rests the crib my dad made. Her name is carved in the middle.

I might not be able to give her much now, but one day I will. I’ll be able to give her everything. That’s my goal.

I flip on a lamp that’s in the shape of the moon. It gives off the perfect glow. It isn’t bright enough to wake her up, but bright enough that I can see her.

I bend over the crib and stroke my hand down her back. “Hey, sweet Amber. How is my favorite little girl?” I whisper, noticing she’s a bit cold.

It’s not that cold in here.

“I can fix that, angel. Come here.” Even in my work clothes and all, I slide my hands around her body, smaller than my damn hands, and hold her like a football. My smile fades slowly when I notice some things about her that don’t seem right.

She’s really cold.

Blue lips.

And she isn’t waking up.

She always rouses when I pick her up.

“Amber?” I shake her a little bit, hoping this is all in my head. “Baby?” I drop to my knees and bring my ear to her chest. I press my fingers against her neck.

I don’t feel anything. Why don’t I feel anything?

“No, no, no.” Tears begin to cloud my eyes as I begin to try CPR on her. “Two fingers. Just two fingers,” I tell myself as I press them against her small chest. “Come on, baby. Don’t do this to me.” While I’m working, I turn on my radio and call for an ambulance. “Dispatch. This is Officer Walker. I need an ambulance at my residence. 578 Sun—”

“This is dispatch. I have your address pulled up, Officer Walker. Help is on the way. Can you describe what’s happening?”

“My daughter,” I choke, continuing CPR through the tears that fall from me onto her sweet, chubby face. “She isn’t breathing. I don’t know for how long. I… I… she has blue lips and she’s cold. Please, I can’t lose her. I can’t.” I take a deep breath in, bend down and blow easily into her mouth, then start compressions again. “I’m doing CPR.”

“Don’t stop, okay? Help is two minutes out, Officer Walker.” The radio statics off and I sob. I hold Amber against my chest and run into the living room with her limp body. “Haley! Haley! Wake up! Damn it, wake up!” I scream, but Haley doesn’t move. I sit on the floor next to the couch and place my daughter in my lap. “Fucking don’t do this me!” I shout at her as if it’s her fault for not breathing. “God,” I groan, sweat beading along my brow.

I shake Haley violently and try to wake her up while keeping the easy beat to Amber’s chest.

“What?” Haley grumbles and flips over.

“No! Wake up and tell me why our daughter isn’t breathing. Why isn’t she breathing? I swear to fucking god if you did something to her—”

Haley finally wakes up, her eyes wide and hair a mess as she stares down at the beautiful life we created together. She sees her blue face and gags, throwing up all over the couch. And that’s when I see them.

Pills.

Small white ones in her vomit.

Her pupils are dilated.

“You’re fucking high? You’re high! You needed to be watching Amber and now look? Look at her! Did you drug her?”

“No, Forrest, no. I swear I didn’t. I just… I needed to sleep. I swear to you, I would never. I love Amber so much. Oh, God. Why isn’t she breathing?” she cries, sliding onto the floor with me.

“I don’t know,” I choke, her small, fragile body jerking every time I pump her chest. “My angel. Come on, baby. Come on.”

Haley’s hands touch my shoulder, and I jerk away from her. I can’t look at her right now. She didn’t take a pill to sleep. She took at least four, from what I can see on the couch.

With our baby home.

Our child.

I can never trust her again. I can’t.

“Don’t.”

“Forrest—”

“Don’t!” I shout so loud my own ears tremble. “Don’t,” I whisper, my cheeks wet as I try to revive Amber.

The sirens get closer, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the lights reflecting off the windows.

“I love you. I’m sorry,” Haley tells me. “I didn’t know. I didn’t… I needed to escape awhile.”

“Escape? Escape! What the fuck from? She’s perfect.” I stare down at my girl, admiring her. Blonde fuzz coats the top of her head. Her button nose I always love to boop every time I see her. She grins every time. She has a tiny dent in her chin, something she got from me, and her lips… well, she has her mother’s lips.

The paramedics come in and I know them. It’s Ashe and Keagan.

“Walker. What happened?” Ashe drops to his knees and takes Amber from me, immediately starting compressions while Keagan drapes the oxygen mask over her face.

“I don’t know. I don’t know, I just… I checked on her and she was blue, man. She was cold. Is she okay? She’s going to be okay, right? She’s so little. She has to be.”

Keagan and Ashe share a look.

I’m too familiar with it.

They don’t think she will be.

“We will take her to the hospital, okay? Ride with us?” Ashe asks me as they take the gurney and begin to leave.

I pick up Haley and run out the door, following the two men that have my daughter’s life in their hands. Haley is sobbing against my chest, but I’m so fucking mad at her for some reason. I know this isn’t her fault. I don’t know what she could have done to stop it.

But drugs? What if Amber cried and Haley didn’t hear because she was passed out? I just… I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to forgive her.

We climb into the ambulance and the medics shut the doors behind us. I set Haley down and scoot away from her, watching as Ashe works on Amber and Keagan races down the road.

I’m not an idiot. I know things don’t look good. Keagan talks to someone from the hospital and tells someone we are coming in hot with a two-month-old, most likely SIDS.

Hearing that stops my ability to think, breathe, and hope. He has to be wrong. I won’t believe it when I hear it from the doctors. I place my hands over my mouth and watch in horror as Ashe works, the heartrate monitor flatlining like a bad fucking song I can’t turn off.

Haley is sobbing, loud and heart-wrenching. I reach a hand out for her, trying to push the anger aside so we can grieve together instead of alone. Her fingers intertwine with mine, but everything has changed. Everything.

When we pull up to the hospital, Ashe opens the back doors, which is when I see several cop cars with their lights on parked in a line. Emerson is up front, along with a few other cops to show their support.

Ashe wheels Amber out of the ambulance. Her body looks so small in the middle of the gurney. Emerson and the others follow us in, and it isn’t long before the entire waiting room is full of men in uniform.

“Two months old, found unresponsive in her crib, I haven’t been able to get a heartbeat,” Ashe tells the doctor as they run side by side down the hall.

The nurse stops me, her hand on my chest as I run with them. “You can’t go back there, sir. Okay? We will let you know.”

“She’s my daughter. I need to be with her,” I explain, wiping my eyes of tears so she can see I’m serious.

“I know.” Her lips frown and her eyes are sad as if the news she has to tell me is bad. How can she already know?

“Rookie,” Emerson’s voice has me turning around. His eyes are glassy and there is a rosy tint to his cheeks.

Haley is sitting down, mascara running down her face. I know I’m the asshole because I’m so mad at her, but how could she? How could she pop not one, not two, not three, but four pills?

“She’s just a baby. She’s just a baby!” I scream, gripping his uniform tight in my fists.

“And so are you, Rookie. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He brings me in for a hug. I don’t care who sees me fall apart. I’m only eighteen. I’m supposed to have the rest of my life ahead of me. I’m supposed to have the happily-ever-after with the fucking picket fence and fucking pink ribbons everywhere because Amber would love that color.

I’m supposed to have the rest of my life. I’m supposed to die first. Me.

“What do I do? Tell me what to do. I’ll do it.” I press my head against his shoulder.

“Forrest,” Haley whimpers. “I’m so sorry. I…”

“Don’t talk to me right now.” I lean away from Emerson, a guy who is like a grandpa to me. “Call our parents. They are going to want to be here.” I turn to walk away before I stop mid-step. “How long, Haley? How long with the pills?”

“Forrest. Not now, our daughter—”

“I know about our daughter. I got to her first!” I shout, slamming my palm against my chest. “I asked how fucking long!”

“Before she was born!’

It’s like she slapped me across the face as I rear back and stare at a woman I barely know.

“Don’t walk away. Forrest, talk to me. Please.” She grabs my hand and I pull it away from her, shaking my head. I have so much I want to say but it will all be out of anger.

Emerson follows me as I sit down across the room. “We can arrest her, you know. Get her blood checked and she can be charged with child endangerment, neglect, and substance abuse.”

The thought has my head spinning. “I don’t know. She’s going through this too, Emerson. Maybe the pain is enough.”

“Maybe…” But he doesn’t sound too convinced.

I’m not sure how long we sit there. Minutes. Hours. All I know is that I feel like I had everything this morning and now I have nothing.

“Walker family?” A tired doctor in a white coat comes out of the double doors and I get up, running to him at the same time Haley does. The cops are behind us, giving us enough space for privacy but close enough to hear the diagnosis.

“Your daughter—”

“—Amber,” I tell him. “Her name is Amber. Is she okay? What happened?”

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but Amber passed away. My official cause of death is SIDS. We don’t have a lot of reasons for why it happens, but I’m sorry for your loss, Officer Walker.”

Haley screams and her knees buckle. I catch her in my arms and hold her tight, closing my eyes as my world ends all around me.

I can’t feel anything.

I remember my first hello to Amber the first time I saw her.

And now I’m saying my last goodbye.

That’s the bitch about loving someone.

Like a water-sealed vault, I throw my love and pain and memories into it and lock it up. I switch gears.

Why are children so weak?

In a matter of seconds, my love turns to hate.

It’s harsh, but it’s true. Amber will be the only child I’ll ever have. I swear it. No child will ever be able to compare, but I’m so mad at her. I’m mad at her for being small and fragile. She was weak. I have to hate her for that. I have to because I don’t know how I’ll live. I don’t know how to survive this pain if I don’t.

She was… perfect. I was supposed to protect her, but I failed.

I’ll never have to say goodbye again, because I’ll never let myself say hello.

But I know deep down, I’ll never hate my angel.

My Amber.

Deep down, because that’s where love belongs.