Company Ink by E.L. Lewis

t h i r t y

"So, where are you guys having dinner?" Kitty asks, sprawled out on her bed, flipping through a magazine. "Because I walked by the restaurant that's downstairs and it's pretty small, which means people will notice that the two of you are eating by yourselves."

"I have no idea, Kit," I say in an annoyed tone, carefully coiling my hair around the curler. "Adrian texted me and said, 'meet out back at 8 pm', that's all."

"Ooo, maybe he's taking you into town," Kitty sings, cocking her head to the side. "But he doesn't have a car, so how's he going to do that? Oh! Maybe you'll walk there. Or! Maybe he rented a boat? A boat sounds so romantic. Wait, do you want this to be romantic? What're you going to say to him? Have you thought about it?"

Oh, my fucking God. Does she ever stop asking questions?

"I don't know, Kit. I do not know!"

"Jeez, relax, Cassie," Kitty mumbles. "I was just asking."

After being paired with Kitty to play a thrilling game of Shark Tank where we had twenty minutes to come up with a business proposal and present it to 'The Sharks' aka the other members of our group, I don't think I can handle another minute alone with her. I know she's just trying to bond but I'm about two questions away from shoving a pair of socks in her mouth.

I think I'm mostly irritated because she's asking all the right questions. Questions I should probably have answers to. Do I want this to be a romantic dinner? What am I going to say? I'm blanking, unsure, because Adrian has this ability to make me forget my convictions, the reasons why I'm frustrated. He just smiles at me and all I want to do is kiss him. I can't do that tonight. I won't do that tonight.

I need answers. Concrete, valid answers as to why things are different now. Why he can suddenly 'give me more...'

I do one final hair and make-up check and grab my purse. "Alright, I'm leaving now. Don't text me for updates. I promise I'll tell you everything when I come back, okay?"

"Fine," she huffs. "Make sure Blake doesn't see you."

I roll my eyes. "We'll try and be covert."

"Have fun!" she exclaims as I exit the room.

Blake. Fucking Blake. Get out of my head. This whole afternoon, every time I'd look up, I'd catch his gaze, like he'd been staring at me for hours with those ocean blue eyes of his. And that crooked smile, his stupid dry sense of humor, his taste in food. God. Why? Why am I suddenly so intrigued by this man? This isn't natural. People should not be allowed to harbor feelings for more than one person. It's messy and confusing and downright unconstitutional. Oh God, did I just say feelings? Fuck.

I circle around the lodge until I'm at the back exit. It's dirty, dark, and borderline spooky back here.

"Cassie, over here," Adrian's voice looms from several feet away. I squint my eyes, trying to make out a figure.

"I can't see anything," I whisper. A flashlight flickers on and I hesitantly walk towards it. "You know, in most horror movies this is exactly how people die; by following strange lights coming from the woods."

Adrian's laugh echoes through the night. "Don't worry, Cassie, my murderous tendencies are far behind me."

"Good to know," I murmur, finally able to see Adrian's face. "What's with the cloak and dagger routine? Scared we'll get caught by the others?"

"I figured we'd be able to talk more freely without worrying about our colleagues interrupting us," he explains, offering me his arm. "Follow me."

"Where are we going?" I ask, tripping over stones.

"Down to the beach," he says, maneuvering us through trees and bushes and dear God, was that a spider web?

"Nothing I love more than sand fleas," I mutter. Oh my God, something just flew into my hair.

"How the hell did you hike Machu Picchu with this attitude?" Adrian teases. "I thought you were adventurous."

"I am when I have time to prepare, and I'm not wearing a freaking skirt with no bug spray," I retort in a sour tone. "You should've told me where we were going, I would've dressed accordingly."

"Where's the fun in that?" he smirks, leading us through a clearing. "And we're here."

In the midst of all the rocks and washed-up seashells is a checkered blanket spread along the sand, a lantern on every corner. Two take-out containers and a bottle of wine placed carefully in the middle of the adorable setup.

"Adrian..." I shake my head. When the hell did, he have time to do all of this? Lanterns? What?! "This is so...cute."

"Worth the sand fleas?" he asks, leading me to the blanket.

I shrug coyly. "Maybe, we'll see." We sit down and Adrian opens the bottle of wine. "A twist-off cap?" I ask, amused. "Look at you, slumming it."

"It's all they had at the store," he explains. "But I was told this 2019 is just delectable."

"Aged a whole year?" I pout. "You spoil me."

"I'm happy to see that regular Cassie has returned," he grins, pouring us a glass each. "That crazy woman from earlier was quite frightening."

"I just love your sweet talk." I roll my eyes and take a sip. It’s dark enough outside that he won’t notice my face flush. Perfect. "Mmm, it's not bad."

"Good," Adrian smiles, the light from the lanterns reflecting off his eyes. "So..."

I swallow, slowly nodding my head. I guess the small talk is done. "So—"

Adrian takes a deep breath. "Cassie, I…I like you," he says quietly. "I have for a while and I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't pretend that I don't feel what I feel. I've tried and—"

"But why? Why did you have to try?" I ask, my heart thudding in my chest. "I don't get it. Why was it so hard to begin with? Why was it complicated?"

Adrian doesn't say anything. He just stares at me, studying me, his eyes flickering to every corner of my face. "I don't do relationships because I know they'll never go anywhere," he finally says. "With a relationship, women expect marriage, and I…I don't plan on ever getting married."

I narrow my eyes, not following his logic whatsoever. "That's...bullshit. You could've just told me that from the get-go, explained yourself. Who the hell thinks about marriage when they first start dating someone? That's something you're supposed to talk about as a couple...I think. I don't have a lot of experience in the area so I'm just speculating, but still. Why didn't you just tell me?"

Adrian sighs, his eyes drowning in frustration. "I don't know, Cassie! I don't. I've never had a girlfriend. Not in high school, sure as hell not in law school. I…I didn't know what to do. I've never felt so strongly about someone before and I just—I tried to fight it."

My eyes widen in astonishment. "You've never had a girlfriend? You? Really?"

"Is that so hard to believe?" Adrian asks, tilting his head.

"Uh…yeah! You're so—" I wave my hands in the air, trying to think of a word that's not slutty. "Datable."

Adrian chuckles. "I'm not saying that I haven't enjoyed the company of women before, Cassie. It's just always been casual."

I can't even get mad at him. Pot meet kettle. "Okay, I get that but—" I bite my lip. "It just seems like you made something that could've been a simple conversation into this super complex thing. I—"

"I know and I'm sorry, Cassie." Adrian shuffles towards me, putting his hand on my thigh. "You have every right to be upset with me, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm all in now. I'm here. I'm ready. I will give you everything you want, just say yes. Be mine."

I close my eyes. Be mine. His. Be with Adrian. I want to say yes, but the word refuses to leave my mouth. This shouldn't be so difficult, I shouldn't hesitate. I want to believe him. I do believe him. His explanation screams immaturity, but who am I to talk? It's not like I have the best track record for dating. I understand his fear. I've felt that fear. I still do.

"Cassie?" Adrian whispers, forcing me to open my eyes. "Say something."

I bite my lip, uncertainty and doubt holding me back from spilling out that tiny syllable that would finally merge us together.

"I need time," I breathe. Time to think. Time to prepare. Time to figure out why the hell I feel the need to get closure with Blake.

"Time?" Adrian asks, running a pained hand through his hair. "Do you not believe me?"

"I do," I swallow. "I just need to clear my head. Today has been a bit crazy."

"There's no other reason?" Adrian's vulnerable eyes scan my face.

"No," I lie. "There isn't."

He sucks in a sharp breath. "Then take all the time you need, Cassie. I'll be here."

I nod, my heart clenching with guilt. "Thank you," I say quietly.

Adrian gestures towards the take-out containers. "Are you hungry?"

Not really. "I could eat," I smile. "What is it?"

"Cobb's salad," he says, opening the containers. "I figured if I got anything hot, it'd be cold by the time we finished talking."

"Good call."

I take one container and we begin eating, making light conversation under the star infested sky. We don't touch, we don't kiss, we just talk. About life, about travel, about astronomy.

That night I fall asleep thinking about Cassiopeia falling off of her throne into the unforgiving ocean, praying that history doesn't repeat itself.

***

"They're both staring at you," Kitty whispers, bringing a latte up to her mouth. The muffled luncheon conversation coming from all of our colleagues drowns out her keen, and oh-so-awesome observation. Great, I have befriended Nancy Drew.

"Kitty! If you stare at them while they stare at me, they'll notice that you're staring at them, and then it's going to get weird, so just stop it! Eat your fucking soup." Lord, help me.

Kitty rolls her eyes. "You're bossy."

"And you're being Captain Obvious right now. Just chill, Kitty. Be cool, pretend they're not here."

Kitty had already passed out when I got back from the beach last night, thank God! But this morning consisted of a full one-hour recap of my evening; she even woke me up early to chat. Kitty vouched for Adrian and said she's never seen him with a girlfriend, and that he's telling the truth, not that I didn't believe him. Never being in a committed relationship isn't really a positive quality in a man, so it doesn't make sense that he would lie about it.

"Adrian and Blake, who?" Kitty shrugs, winking at me. "Let's talk about something else then. What activity are you going to do during free time? Come to the painting class with me! It's going to be fun!"

"I'm not really artistic," I say, polishing off my BLT. "I think I'm going to join the guided meditation class. I feel like a little Zen would do me some good."

Kitty grimaces. "Meditation? Gosh, that sounds so...quiet."

"Yeah, it does." I nod my head. Peace and quiet are exactly what I need right now. These team building activities are insane; this morning we had to do a scavenger hunt, while they blasted the theme song to Mission Impossible over the outdoor speakers. It was insane.

I grab my sweatshirt off the back of the chair and chug the rest of my water. "Okay, I'm going to get going. I'll see you around 3?"

"Have fun relaxing," Kitty teases. "I'll be in Room D if you find yourself bored to death."

"I'll keep that in mind, Kit," I smile and exit the restaurant.

According to the guidebook, Meditation with Mandy (love me some good alliterations) is in Room B. After changing into a pair of sneakers and tying my hair into a ponytail, I rush back downstairs. I'm late!

I squeeze through the wooden doors of Room B and scan around, looking for a free yoga mat. In the far corner of the room, I notice Blake's thick head of hair. Wow, I did not expect to see him here. I give him a light wave and sit down on the purple mat, taking off my shoes after realizing no one else is wearing any.

"Good afternoon everyone, my name is Mandy, and today, I will be your guide." Her voice is serene and tranquil. "Please sit whichever way is most comfortable."

I cross my legs and straighten out my back. All right, bring on the Zen Mandy.

"Let's begin," Mandy whispers. "I'd like you all to close your eyes. Start relaxing your muscles. If any thoughts come to your mind, disregard them, turn your attention back to your body."

Thoughts. So many thoughts. Adrian. Blake. My parents. Ness. No. I'm disregarding. Go away.

"Relax your muscles, set them free. From your feet... your ankles.... your legs.... your torso....your arms.....your neck.....your head. Feel your body, you're relaxed, you're safe."

My mind is blank, I can feel the rhythmic beating of my heart. Relaxed. I'm relaxed.

"Now focus your attention on your breath. In and out. In... and... out."

I take deep breaths for what feels like hours, my chest rising and falling, my body light.

"Notice every breath but don't try and control it. Just observe it..."

"Just breathe.... breathe naturally...breathe slowly... just breathe..."

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Just breathe, Cassie.

Cassie, it's okay. It's okay, Cassandra. She's okay.

Cassie, you need to breathe.

Where is she? I need to see her.

Tears, so many tears. Blinding me. I can't see.

Blood.

Blood everywhere.

On my clothes, in my hair, on the street.

My hands.

My fault. It's my fault. I'm so sorry Lucy. I'm so sorry.

Cassandra, breathe. She's in surgery. You can't go in there.

No. Stop. I need to see her. Where is she?

No. No.

No!

My eyes spring open, my palms sweating. My heart. Oh my God. I grip my chest, rocking back and forth. I'm having a heart attack. I can't breathe. I can't.

I scramble to find my shoes, shoving them under my arm and running out of the room. My head spins. I need air. Fresh air. I rush outside, stumbling down the stairs. What is happening? No. I don't want to see it again. God, I'm so sorry Vanessa.

"Cassie!"

I ignore it, running down to the dock, everything's muffled, everything's blinding. Hurt. Pain. My heart. Oh my God, Ness. No. I'm so sorry.

"Cassandra! Stop! What're you doing?"

"Go away!" I cry, stopping by the dock. "Leave me alone." Two hands grab my shoulder and I look up to meet a set of worried, milky eyes. "Go away, Blake."

"No," he whispers. "What's wrong? What's going on? Are you okay?"

"My chest hurts," I cry. "I can't catch my breath. Oh my God."

Blake wraps his arms around me, tugging me plush against his body. His warmth and sweet oaky cologne fill my senses. "Just breathe, Cassandra. I think you're having a panic attack. Just breathe."

Breathe.

"No!" I push him away. "I don't deserve to breathe. I don't. I can't be here. I need to go. I need air." I jog down the length of the dock towards the canoes.

"Cassandra, stop. You can't go out alone. Not like this," Blake says, catching up to me.

"I don't care. I can't be here," I say, jumping down into the rickety green boat.

"Then I'm coming with you," Blake says, slowly stepping into the canoe.

"I don't care," I whisper. "We need to go. Now."

"Okay, just calm down, I'm untying us."

I drop my head to my knees, squeezing my eyes shut. The party. The cake. The car. The blood. So much blood. Red. Everywhere. It's okay. She's okay. Relax. Please relax. Please.

One minute.

Two.

Three.

It's quiet now. Just water splashing along the side of the boat. Seagulls. The wind.

"Cassandra...are you okay?" So quiet. Like a whisper.

I lift my head up, wiping my eyes. "I'm fine," I say lifelessly, looking around, we're not too far from the dock but it's calmer here. Safe.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks gently.

"No."

"Are you sure? A little birdy once told me it's good to talk things out," he smiles warmly.

My eyes scan his face. I did say that. I do say that. But I don't want to. I can't.

"You can tell me, Cassandra. I'm here," Blake whispers, clipping the oars to the sides of the canoe. "What happened?"

I lick my lips, my eyes watering again. "It's my fault Ness has a brain injury...It's my fault. I forgot the cake. If I just didn't forget..." Memories of that monstrous day flash through my mind. "It was my friend's birthday, it was raining so hard," I continue in a hushed tone. "We were all meeting at our house. I was supposed to pick up the cake at the bakery across the street, but I forgot, I was running late already. I'm always late.

"When I got upstairs, Ness reminded me. I needed to shower still, Ness said she'd go get it. I agreed. It was just across the street. Thirty seconds away...

I blink away the tears. "It only took fifteen seconds for the car to hit her. We heard a crash and looked out the window. I saw her—I saw her laying there... The driver wasn't even drunk, he just hydroplaned... Ness was—"

"Cassie, you can stop," Blake whispers. "You can stop."

"It's my fault."

"It's not your fault, Cassie. It was an accident. A horrible accident. You couldn't have known," he reassures me. "And Ness is okay, Cassie. She's okay."

"Yes, it is!" I cry. "Why does everyone say it's not? If I didn't forget the fucking cake, she would be in Europe right now, studying ancient ruins and dating Frenchmen. But she's not! She's at home, painting, going to rehab!"

"You need to forgive yourself," Blake pleads. "You told me that anger is an expensive luxury, that it's best to let it go. Forgive yourself."

I grind my teeth. "I'm not angry with anyone!"

"Yes, you are." Blake tilts his head. "You're angry with yourself."

"She could've died, Blake! Died!" I shake my head. "Stop trying to make me feel better. It's not going to work." My heart clenches. "Life is precious, you only get one, I took Ness's from her. Fifteen seconds, Blake, everything can change in fifteen fucking seconds." God, I am mad. I'm so angry right now.

"It is not your fault, Cassandra," Blake repeats himself, steady, calm, unwavering.

"Why do you bother making plans?" I ask, my hands shaking. "What's the point of planning so far into the future, huh? You don't know what's going to happen. It's so stupid. Ness had plans. She had so many plans...so many—"

Blake studies me intently before asking, "Is that why you don't make plans? Why you prefer to be spontaneous? Because you're scared?"

"What?" I'm paralyzed by his question. "I'm not scared."

"It's okay to be," he says. "It's normal."

"I'm not scared! I'm never scared. This has nothing to do with me!" I let out a deeply frustrated grumble. "This has nothing to do with you! I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this. You don't know me. You don't know Ness." I grab an oar and begin paddling.

"Cassie, what're you doing?" Blake asks, his tone still stupidly calm.

"I'm going back to shore!" Who does he think he is? Telling me how I feel?

"You're rowing too hard," he warns me. "Slow down."

"No! I don't want to be around you anymore." I plunge the oar deep into the ocean, using all my arm muscles to push the damn thing.

"Cassie, stop."

"No!" I fight with the ocean, the boat beginning to rock. Almost there! The oar splashes down, water ricocheting into my eyes. I blink, my body swaying and then we flip.

Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me? I gasp for air, my head bobbing up and down, my clothes soaked through, so cold.

"Are you okay?" Blake asks, swimming towards me.

"No! You flipped the canoe!"

"Me? Are you kidding me right now? I told you to stop!"

I groan, doggy paddling towards the shore. "I didn't ask you to come with me!"

"So, I should've just let you go out into the open ocean alone when you were clearly having a panic attack? Oh, my bad, Cassandra. I'll remember that for next time!"

"Just shut up!" Fuck, it's hard to swim when you're wearing a full fucking outfit.

"Gladly!" Blake barks as we approach the dock.

Using all the strength I have left, I pull myself up, Blake follows. "Have a nice day!" I huff.

"What about the canoe?"

"You're a smart guy, right? Have a lot of insights? Figure it out!" I march down the dock, ignoring the odd looks from passersby.

I slam the door to my room. Kitty must still be in art class. Good! This is so fucked up. I hate him. Me? Scared? God, I can't believe I thought I liked him. He doesn't even know me.

I grab my phone off the dresser and text Adrian.

Cassie: Yes

Cassie: My answer is yes

Cassie: Come to my room

I throw my phone on the bed and head to the bathroom, leaving puddles of water in my wake. I take off my drenched hoodie and toss it in the tub, my entire body vibrating. There's a knock on my door.

Well, someone's eager. Grabbing a towel from the rack, I dry my hair as I head towards the door. This is going to be a bitch to explain.

I swing open the door and frown.

"What're you doing here?" I ask Blake whose chest is heaving, lip twitching, water dripping down his face, his strikingly intense eyes burrowing into me. "Blake?"