Company Ink by E.L. Lewis

t h i r t y – f o u r

My ears are ringing, my heart thumping out of my chest as I scramble around looking for my other shoe. He's married? Fucking married? No. This isn't happening. This must be a joke. I'm blinded by rage and soul-crushing disbelief. I need to leave. I can't be here. The walls are closing in on me, every breath getting harder to catch, my throat dry, my eyes welling up with livid tears. Married.

I dash to the elevator, repeatedly pressing the down button. God, I'm so stupid. It all makes so much sense now. How did I not see it? Why didn't I listen to him when he told me he doesn't do relationships? Why did I believe that flakey-ass excuse? Why did I push him into this? Why did he listen? Why?

The elevator chimes and the doors open, Adrian standing in front of me, holding a paper bag in his hand, his eyes wide, confused.

"Going somewhere?" he asks with a smirk. His face falls when he scans my face.

I clench my jaw, my vision blurry, my hands vibrating. "I don't know!" I seethe. "Why don't you go ask your fucking wife!"

All the color washes away from Adrian's face as he takes a step towards me, I move backward, shaking my head, disgusted at the thought of him touching me. Oh my God, I almost slept with a married man!

"Cassie, what're you talking about?" His tone is strained, uneven.

Really? He's going to play dumb?

"I'm talking about Mariela or whatever the fuck her name is!" I shout. "You're married, Adrian! Married! What the actual fuck? You're horrible! A cheater! I can't believe this. I can't believe you!" I shake my head. "You know what? Actually, I can. How very on-brand for you!"

Adrian's jaw tightens as he tries to grab my hand. "I can explain," he says, ignoring my slight, his eyes frantic. "It's not what you think."

"Really? It's not? Don't fucking lie to me! She called you! I talked to her!" I let out a psychotic laugh. "Apparently, there's an emergency back home, you should probably call her back! Maybe one of your kids are sick or something! Do you have kids too, Adrian? Huh?"

Adrian, swallows. "I don't have children," he whispers, shame plastered all over his cheating face.

"But you do have a wife?" I ask, my tone throaty, harsh, shaky. "Right?"

Adrian doesn't say anything, he just stands there, staring at me like some stupid fucking statue. Motionless. Dumbfounded. Caught.

"Well?" I probe, my voice rising. "Are you married, Adrian? Yes, or no? It's an easy fucking question!"

Adrian closes his eyes. "I am but it’s—"

And there it is. Confirmation. I was hoping he'd say he's divorced. Separated. Anything. Anything but this. I feel dirty, criminal, an accomplice to infidelity.

"No!" I exclaim, pressing the elevator button again, my nail nearly being ripped off, my heart clenching. "There are no buts! There are no excuses. God, you're fucked!" The elevator doors open, and I step inside.

Adrian extends his arm, preventing the doors from closing. "Let me explain, Cassie. I can explain!" Desperate. Pleading. "Please don't go, please hear me out! Mariela and I... We're not—"

"Move your fucking arm!" I command through my teeth, her name slipping off his tongue causes my guts to ache. "Now!"

"No," he says quietly, his face contorting with guilt. "Please, Cassie...let's just talk. Don't go... This is all a misunderstanding. Just listen to me, please."

Misunderstanding?

I start laughing. Like really laughing. Because this is hilarious. Comical. Out of this world fucking funny. I stand there, my abs contracting, and slowly, so slowly, the laughs turn into tears, frantic, messy sobs until I can't stand being around him any longer.

"Move your arm," I beg, trying to catch my breath. "I can't look at you right now." Pain. My heart. It hurts. Collapsing. Crumbling. I look up at Adrian through my wet and dripping eyelashes. "Please... Just move."

Adrian slowly lowers his hand, his eyes glossy, dim, hurt. "Cassie, please..." he breathes as the doors begin to close. "Don't go—" And the doors shut.

I slide down the wall of the elevator, gripping my knees, weeping violently, my stomach churning. Why is this happening? Why did he lie to me? Why did I fall for him? Why am I so fucking stupid?

I try to compose myself as I near the lobby, my knees wobbling, mascara dripping down my face, my dress in complete disarray.

Once I'm outside, I hail the first cab I see and give the driver an address. The cab driver looks at me, concern written all over his face. "Are you alright, Miss?" he asks, pulling out into the street.

"I'm fine," I whisper, trying to smile. But I can't. Impossible. "Can you turn up the radio?" The driver's eyebrows knit together but he complies with my request. "Louder. Please."

When the music is loud enough, I break down in tears, hoping that the blaring sounds of top 40s drown out my sobs.

Her voice echoes in my mind. His wife. Oh, God. Should I have known? Was it obvious, right in front of me? He doesn't wear a ring; he doesn't even have a tan line where a ring should be. But he is. He said it. How could I have known? No one said anything. Kitty didn't say anything. Blake didn't—

Oh, God.

Blake.

I fucked up. Oh my God, I fucked up.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with Adrian? How could he say all these things to me, convince me that he cared, that he was all in?

I cry the entire cab ride, replaying every single moment with Adrian in my head. So many red flags. So many times, I should've backed down, listened to him, heeded his warning. But I was relentless. I didn't care. And then I cared too much. And I believed him. I fucking believed him.

I hand the driver a twenty-dollar bill and slide out of the cab, jogging up to the house. It's late. I should've called. Damn it.

I knock lightly on the door and wipe the smudged make up from under my eyes. Please be awake. Please.

The door opens slowly. "Cassie?" Lucy yawns, adjusting her robe. "What're you—" She pauses, frowning as her eyes flicker across my face. "Oh God, Cassie what's wrong?"

"Everything," I whimper, flying into my auntie's arms. "Lucy..."

My aunt closes the door and leads me to the living room, turning on a lamp. "Cassie, baby, what's wrong? What happened? Are you hurt?"

I lay down on the couch, curling my knees up to my chest. I coil my fingers around a pillow, hoping to transfer some of this rage, this anguish.

"Adrian's married," I mumble between sobs. "He has a wife... and I believed him, Lucy, I thought he cared about me. I didn't know... I swear I didn't—"

Lucy sits beside me and strokes my hair gently like she did when I was a kid, whenever I got my heart broken, whenever Mom yelled at me, whenever Dad didn't come home.

"Oh, Cassie, I'm so sorry," Lucy hums. "I'm so sorry."

She sits with me for what feels like hours, rubbing my back as I soak her pillows with my tears. "I shouldn't have texted him," I mumble, my voice hoarse. "I shouldn't have said yes."

"What are you talking about, Cassie?" Lucy asks softly. "You texted him today?"

"No, it's—" I sniffle, sitting up. "Never mind. Doesn't matter. It's over. It's all over."

Lucy pulls me into her arms. "How did you find out?" she asks quietly.

"I answered his phone," I mumble.

"Oh, God..." Lucy shakes her head. "What a pig."

"I know!" I cry. "And he didn't deny it."

"Did he explain himself? Why, he lied? Why he—" she sighs.

"Explain what? How miserable he is? How horrible his wife is? How, doesn't he love her? How unhappy he is? I don't care how shitty his marriage is, it's not an excuse."

I know Lucy agrees with me. She's had her fair share of shitty relationships.

"God, I hate men," Lucy states harshly.

"They're not all bad," I breathe, Blake's face flashing in my mind. "Some are good. It's me, Lucy. I'm the problem."

"Oh, honey, stop." Lucy hugs me. "This isn't your fault, you didn't know."

"But I pushed him, Luce. I pushed him. He told me he didn't—"

"You didn't make him cheat, honey. He did that. You're not responsible for his actions."

"If you say so," I murmur, exhaustion taking over my body. I look up at the clock hanging above the mantle. "It's late Lucy, we should go to bed."

I've had enough of this day. This week. This fucking year.

"Okay, I can make up the guest room for you, just give me five minutes."

"No." I shake my head. "I wanna sleep in Ness's room. The floor is fine."

"Okay, but you know how she gets if you wake her up."

I laugh lightly. "I'm sure she'll forgive me just this once."

 

***

"Cassie, you gotta eat something," Lucy hollers from the kitchen. "A bagel? Oatmeal?" She pauses. "A mimosa? At least that has fruit in it."

I stare blankly at the TV in front of me, some weekend morning news program is playing. How much makeup do they have to put on the news anchors for their skin to look so clear? Probably tons. I bet it's cakey in person. Hmm. I wonder if anchors ever cry, and if they do, how do they get rid of the bags under their eyes? I should Google that...

"Cassie?" Lucy calls again. "Earth to Cass?"

"I'm not hungry," I mumble, flipping off the TV. I need a change of clothes. Lucy and Ness are both so short. It feels like I'm wearing children's clothing.

"Eat," Ness says from the other couch, her eyes pleading. "Please?"

I roll my eyes. "I'll have a mimosa," I say, smiling at my older cousin. "Happy?"

Ness frowns. "No."

"It has vitamin C, it's good for you."

Ness shakes her head. "Cass... eat."

The doorbell rings and Lucy rushes towards it. "Oh, thank God, you guys are here! Help me!" she exclaims.

"Who is it?" I ask Ness.

"The cavalry," she smiles, nodding towards the door.

I crane my neck to find Monique, Kai, and Axel at the door, each of them holding a takeout container in their hands. Oh, God. Lucy... No!

Why can't I wallow in peace?

"Alright, bitch, listen up," Axel says, circling the couch and sitting down beside me. "Luce explained everything, and I speak for all of us when I say, fuck Adrian. Fuck him! Total and utter fuckboy."

I press my lips into a thin line, shaking my head. "Why are you guys here?"

Kai scoffs. "Honey, when you're hurting, we're hurting. And I for one am not a masochist, so let's cheer up, okay?" He hands me a container. "Now, we brought you food from all your favorite restaurants. We have Indian, Thai, and Japanese. What will it be?"

I look up warily at Monique who hasn't said a word yet. "Are you going to tell me I told you so?" I ask quietly.

Monique tilts her head. "Cassie, I'm not going to kick you when you're down."

I purse my lips, pouting. "Maybe I need it."

Monique takes a seat in the armchair and places her container on the coffee table. "Maybe this is a sign, Cass. Maybe you need to be on your own for a while. Get yourself organized. Figure out what you want from life. What's important and what's not."

Axel blows a raspberry. "Fuck that, she needs to drink! Go out! Get her mind off of everything."

Kai nudges his boyfriend. "Axel, stop. Monique's right."

"No, she's not!" Axel exclaims. "This is Cassie! She'll cry, she'll drink, and then she'll be good as new in a few days, right Cass?"

God, is that what I do? Is that how I deal with shit? How childish. How...immature.

"Look, I appreciate you all coming over, but I feel like being alone right now." I reach for Lucy's laptop. "I need to send out a few more resumes."

Usually when I feel down and upset, being around friends always helps. Not this time though. This time is different. This time hurts more. Way more.

Monique stands up and walks over to me, giving me a kiss on my temple. "I'll be at Matt's if you change your mind, okay?" No arguments. No questions. I love her.

Axel's mouth drops. "That's it? I thought we'd get day drunk? Hit the farmer's market. Go clubbing?"

Kai rolls his eyes. "Babe, it's like 1 pm right now."

"So?" Axel crosses his arms.

Kai shakes his head. "We'll be here when you're ready, okay Cass?" he says, pulling Axel to his feet. "Call us."

Axel lets out a loud groan. "Boo...this, sucks."

Kai gives me a hug, Axel...a half-assed hug. He's clearly disappointed by my lack of clubbing enthusiasm. I wave goodbye to my friends and open the laptop.

My phone vibrates on the coffee table. He's calling again? Really? It's been nonstop since last night. Once I was in bed, the phone wouldn't shut up. Call after call. Text after text. I had to turn it off so I could sleep.

I pick up my phone and read the messages.

Adrian: Cassie, please call me

Adrian: I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. There's so much you don't know. I can explain

Adrian: Let's meet and talk

Adrian: Cassie?

Adrian: Cassie, please...

I roll my eyes and slam my phone down. No. I'm sending out resumes today and that's all. No Adrian. No talking. No boys. Just work. A job. This is now my only task. The only thing that will fill my thoughts.

I spend the rest of the day applying to dozens of jobs. Some in California. Some in Texas. I even sent a resume to Toronto. I hear Canada is nice. Polite. Why not? I write cover letter after cover letter. Anything to distract me.

By 5 pm, my fingers are cramped and my eyes bloodshot. I need my glasses. I have literally nothing here.

"Lucy, can I borrow your car?" I ask, standing up and stretching. "I need more clothes."

Lucy looks up from the book she's reading. "On the counter, honey."

I grab the keys and head out the door. "I'll be back in an hour."

It's been a hot minute since I drove a stick. It takes me an embarrassingly long time to get out of the parking spot, but thankfully muscle memory kicks in.

Nothing feels real. It's like these last sixteen hours have been a dream. A nightmare. Everything's hazy, foggy. My eyes hurt. I pay extra attention to the road in front of me as I drive to my condo.

I park down the street and grab my house keys. House. Fuck. I'm going to have to move soon. I can't afford my rent without a job. Without Monique. I guess I can stay with Lucy in the meantime. A burden. Great.

As I approach my complex, I halt, my heart rate speeding up. No.

Stalker.

Adrian is sitting on the curb, rubbing his hands together, his foot tapping on the ground. He looks unkempt, exhausted, and anxious. Hah, maybe he's scared I'll tell his wife he's a hoe.

I try to walk past him without him noticing me. No luck.

Adrian hops up and stumbles towards me. "Cassie, wait. Please!" he pleads.

I cross my arms, my body about to give out from stress and fatigue. "Adrian—there's nothing to say. I don't want to hear it."

"I know you're angry, you have every right to be, but please, just give me five minutes. I'll tell you everything. Please, Cassie. I beg of you. Five minutes."

I take a deep breath. I have no energy to argue. I just want this to be over. For good.

"Five minutes."