SEAL’s Redemption by Leslie North
10
The next morning, Logan was up at the crack of dawn as usual. He left Hope sleeping and got showered and changed into clean jeans and a faded gray T-shirt before making coffee and padding outside to the front porch with his cup and phone to call his older brother Jeremy. The birds were singing, and a slight breeze rustled the bushes surrounding the porch. That early morning energy, where anything seemed possible, crackled through the predawn gloom. Across the street, a pair of yellowish eyes stared back at him, probably a raccoon getting into the neighbor’s trash. The things were all over around here. A squirrel chattered from a tree nearby. It was all so peaceful and domestic, so far removed from the life he’d gotten used to as a SEAL, never more than a few steps from a battlefield. It was a little unsettling because it was so different from the norm for him—but it was powerfully appealing all the same. It made him want to stay—here, with Hope, with their baby. But that wasn’t an option…was it?
Frankly, last night had thrown him for a loop, and he needed to talk it out with someone who would listen and offer sound, unbiased wisdom. Given the fact that Jeremy Miller was a trained counsellor who worked with military personnel suffering from PTSD, he fit that bill nicely. Plus, he’d always been Logan’s go-to guy for advice. In fact, he’d helped Logan tremendously with his own demons over the past several months. The anxiety and depression that had begun after the near-death of his friend had sent Logan into a spiral—and Hope giving up on him and ending their relationship had been him landing at rock bottom. He’d needed that—needed to hit bottom and realize how far he’d fallen so that he could decide to pull himself up…but that didn’t mean he’d known where to start. His brother had been a lifeline. Jeremy wasn’t his official counsellor, since that would be a conflict of interest, but he was a great sounding board and a trusted friend. In fact, it had been Jeremy’s idea for Logan to go see Hope again in the first place, to put their past to rest after he’d started getting his life back on track.
Early rising was a genetic trait in the Miller family, so he felt no guilt about calling this early—a decision that was validated when Jeremy answered on the second ring, sounding far more perky than a man had a right to at dawn. “Bro, how you been? Did you go apologize to Hope yet?”
“Uh, yeah. About that…” He winced, scrubbing a hand over his buzz cut. Jeremy was two years older than Logan and happily married, with two kids and another on the way. His brother was the goody-two-shoes of the family, whereas Logan was more of the rebel son. Jer was used to his screwups by now, but still. There wasn’t enough coffee in the world to prepare a guy for this conversation, so he just went for it. “I did. Turns out she’s pregnant. With my baby.”
There was no response from Jeremy. The silence lasted for so long that Logan double-checked to make sure the call hadn’t dropped, his heart thudding sickly against his rib cage. Man, this was worse than a late-sniper raid. Finally, his brother exhaled slow and said, “Uh, wow. That’s…wow. How are you handling that?”
“Okay, I think. I went to a doctor’s visit with her, and we saw the ultrasound images. Even heard the heartbeat.” He gave an uncomfortable chuckle, feeling a twinge of protectiveness for his unborn kid. “Anyway, I’m still processing a lot of it, but then we’ve had a lot of other stuff we’re dealing with too.” He told Jeremy about the incidents with Hope and how he’d left his job at the security firm to protect her and the baby full time. “So yeah, things here have been pretty busy and stressful.” After an awkward silence, he came out with the rest because, dammit, that was why he’d called. He really needed Jer’s help here because he had no idea what the hell he was doing anymore. A few months ago, he’d have reached for a drink and asked questions later. That was no longer an option. “We, uh…” He winced then forced out the words, emotions whirling inside him like a tornado—shame, confusion, uncertainty, joy. Just tell him already. “We slept together last night. We both wanted it, and things have been so rough here the last couple of days that I think we both wanted to feel good, feel alive. It was amazing…but now I’m not sure how to handle it.”
“What?” The word was so sharp it could’ve cut glass. Logan couldn’t blame his brother. Not really. In hindsight, it probably hadn’t been the best idea, no matter how perfect it had felt at the time. “That… I don’t even know what to say about that, man. No. Wait. I do know what to say. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I don’t know,” Logan sat forward in his chair, his bare toes curling on the cold floorboards and his cooling coffee untouched. “Hell, I wasn’t thinking. Not with the right parts of my anatomy anyway. That’s the problem.”
“Got that right.” Jeremy wasn’t one to pull punches, which was exactly why Logan had called him. “Shit. That was a terrible idea.”
“Dammit. I can see that now. But it felt right at the time. When I think back on it, it still does. Which only confuses me more because I know I shouldn’t be doing this.” He scrubbed a hand over the rough stubble on his jaw and stared out at streaks of color near the horizon. Inside, he heard the first stirrings of Hope moving about and his heart pinched. She’d said she wanted him last night, and the sex had been amazing, but Logan refused to force her to go against her principles or worse, let her into his life again, only to hurt her in the end. “I know. I know. I know. But it’s done, and now I need to figure out how to proceed. That’s why I’m calling you.”
“Well, first off, don’t sleep with her again,” Jeremy said, and Logan could just picture him pacing the floor in his home office. “It would be one thing if you were both genuinely looking to get back together again and resolve the issues between you, but I’m guessing that’s not the case, right? Otherwise, you wouldn’t be calling me.” He cursed under his breath, then sighed. “Which means this was a hook up. We talked about this, Logan. About substituting other things for the booze to make yourself feel better, like sex. If that’s what’s happening here, then it’s going to lead to more poor decisions and one or both of you will get hurt. You and Hope have been through enough with each other already, don’t add more fuel to the fire. Especially now that there will be a baby involved.”
Unexpected defensiveness rose within him, making the back of his neck prickle. He wasn’t using Hope like that. They’d slept together last night by mutual consent, as two adults making a conscious choice. There weren’t any ulterior motives.
Were there?
Shit. He felt so confused he didn’t know anymore. For a guy who was so brilliant on the battlefield, he sure was fucked up in his private life. He took a deep breath and hung his head. Jeremy was right that he would never want to do anything to hurt the baby.
“Logan?”
“Yeah. I’m here.” The sun crested over the tree line, and Logan squinted into the brightness. “No. You’re right. I need to keep my distance from Hope, emotionally at least. It’s best for the situation and for both our own good. Thanks, Jer.”
“Call me later,” his brother said. “We should talk more about this.”
“I will. Gotta go.” He ended the call and tossed his cold coffee into the grass and went back inside for a fresh cup of energy. Hope was sitting at the kitchen table now with her laptop, frowning adorably. She’d pulled on a pair of pink PJs covered with white dancing cupcakes, and a white robe atop them. On her feet were fluffy pink slippers. Her hair was piled atop her head in a messy bun, and she looked good enough to eat.
Not good. Not good at all.
His first instinct was to kiss her, so he headed for the opposite side of the kitchen instead, concentrating far too hard on the coffee machine instead of her. “Good morning.”
“Morning,” she said, her voice edged with annoyance. “Why can’t I find anything else about this Mick Kleypas guy, Logan? I mean he’s got a website, but nothing else. And I understand that some people like to keep their private lives private, but come on. He doesn’t have any social media accounts. It’s not that his accounts are locked down or bare bones. They just don’t exist. Nothing. Who does that anymore?”
Logan snorted. “Smart people.”
“I’m serious. He’s got a small business. Social media is one of the biggest sources of new clients. Why would he not want to take advantage of that? Not for himself, but at least for his business? Seems fishy to me.” She crossed her arms and scowled at her screen, tucking one leg beneath her on the chair. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just getting too desperate for a lead. Looking for trouble where there isn’t any. I mean, it’s not like it would be the first time I’ve—” She glanced over at him and stopped. “What are you grinning about?”
He tried to bite back his smile and failed. So, instead, he shrugged. “You’re pretty cute when you’re pissed off.”
“Bite me.” She huffed. “Seriously, Logan. This is not funny. Someone’s after me and I’m not even sure why. What happened to Diana Lauren to cause all of this? What did she get herself mixed up in? I owe it to Diana Lauren and her family to solve this mystery once and for all, and stupid Mick Kleypas and his chauffeur company aren’t helping me at all. Not to mention my deadline coming up with my editor. I owe her a solid outline, but I can’t get any of these leads to pan out for me, so I’m not even sure what story I’m trying to tell. Is it the story of a girl who ran off? A girl who was threatened? A girl who was attacked? A girl who got in over her head? I really need a hit here.”
“Hmm.” Logan slid into the seat across from her. Man, it felt good just sitting here like this with her again. When they’d been together, he’d never appreciated their time together like he should have. He was usually home for such short stretches for leave that she usually put her work aside and just focused on spending time with him when he was around. It was great, but it meant that he never really got to be with her like this, to see what her life and her work were really like. This was one of the longest chunks of time they’d ever spent together. He sat back and sipped his coffee. After last night, the atmosphere between them felt more relaxed and right. Logan couldn’t keep from smiling again.
Hope frowned. “What now? Why are you staring at me?”
“Nothing.” He laughed. “I just like looking at you, that’s all.”
Pretty pink color stained her cheeks and she lowered her gaze, the beginnings of a smile forming on her lips before she bit it back, and he felt, suddenly, unaccountably proud of himself. Hope started typing on her laptop again in response, focusing on her screen and not him. “We should concentrate on the case.”
Keep your distance.
Jeremy’s voice rang through his head like a claxon, but damn if he could bring himself to follow its advice. He got up and moved closer to Hope, leaning over her shoulder to see the screen as she typed, inhaling her sweet scent. They weren’t getting back together. They both agreed on that. But right now, things were good between them, and they made each other happy. He’d lived through enough life-and-death situations to know better than to waste even a precious second of that fleeting happiness.
Just because he could, he leaned in and kissed her neck, making her giggle, then he did it again and before he knew it, they were on their way back to the bedroom because life was short and this wasn’t forever, and it just felt so right that he couldn’t not be with her again for now.
