Always Us by Lizzie Morton
Nineteen
Abby
A combination of heat and the journey on the bus has me feeling unsettled and nauseous. It’s been a long ride from Arras to Benicassim in Spain, where the last tour date is before a much-needed break. So far, the bus journeys haven’t affected me, but this one has left me feeling God awful, most likely down to the excessive amount of wine Dan and I drank.
“You don’t look too great,” says Zach as he makes his way over to where I’ve been standing for the past few minutes.
The bus finally pulled in to where we’re staying and as soon as it stopped, I darted up to the small kitchenette to grab a glass of water.
I just about manage to reply, as I fight to keep the nausea at bay. “I’m fine, just a bit of motion sickness. That or too much alcohol.”
“That’s what you get for partying with a rock star,” sings Sam from behind.
He’s oblivious to how sick I look and swings an arm around my shoulders, pulling me in closer and playfully rubbing at my hair.
“I probably wouldn’t do that,” says Zach. “She’s looking a little green.”
He pulls away to take a proper look at me before he understands what Zach is talking about.
“Man, Abby. You could give the Hulk a run for his money. What’s up?”
“I’m fine,” I grumble, becoming annoyed with all the attention. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and be left alone. “Too much alcohol and a bouncy bus ride don’t mix.”
“Too right. We need to have a word with Ray. You’re not alone, that drive almost had me making my way down to vom town.”
I watch in amusement as he makes his way off the bus to meet the others. When I spin back around, Amanda is there watching me with suspicious eyes.
“Can I help you?” I ask.
She smiles. “No. I’m just enjoying watching you suffer.”
“How kind.”
With that I grab my bag and storm off the bus. Being annoyed is now on the long list of things making me feel like crap. It doesn’t help that when I step out, the heat hits me like a ton of bricks.
“Fuuuuck!” I complain.
This day just keeps getting worse.
Zoe laughs. “You’ve spent more of this summer hungover than I have. Looks like you’re taking over my waster role for the tour.”
The others chuckle which pisses me off even more.
“Leave her alone,” says Sophie, looking at me sympathetically. She magics up a cold beer out of nowhere and places it in my hands. “Here, I know it’s not what you think you want, but it should help.”
Taking it from her, I pop the ring pull and it fizzes with a satisfactory noise. When I take the first swig relief floods over me as it quenches a thirst I didn’t know was there. Impulsively, I guzzle most of the can in one go. It creates a buzz as it travels down and thankfully the nausea begins to dissolve.
“Steady, you don’t want to wind up wasted,” warns Jake.
It’s the first time we’ve properly spoken since Denmark. For a moment there, I almost thought we wouldn’t speak again for the rest of the summer after the way we left things. Maybe that wouldn’t have been a bad thing.
I’m still pissed with the stunt he pulled on stage. “I’m a big girl.”
“I know you are,” he says softly.
I think he’s going to say something more, but a fuss is created to the side of us by Zoe.
“What do you mean camping?” she barks at Sooz. “As in sleeping on the ground?”
Sooz rolls her eyes. “Yes, Zoe. That is what camping involves. Or is it different where you come from?”
“There’s no way I’m sleeping on the ground. There are like bugs and snakes and shit.”
“There are hardly going to be any snakes in a rowdy campsite full of thousands of people. You don’t have a choice. Hotels around here are booked out the year before the festival so there was no way we could have gotten a room at such late notice. You’re welcome to sleep on the bus which will be about a mile trek away.”
Zoe scoffs, “Fuck no. I’m not spending any more time in that tin can than I have to.”
“Right, then stop complaining,” Sooz says dismissively, then walks away before Zoe can argue with her anymore.
Shaun saunters over, acting as if he might be able to diffuse Zoe’s foul mood. “Come on, Zo. Where’s your sense of adventure? You used to be so carefree.”
All this does is piss her off more.
“I am carefree … unless I have to sleep on the floor.”
“You’ll be so wasted later it won’t make any difference,” he smirks.
Huffily she says, “Actually, I’ve turned over a new leaf.”
“Oh really?” He raises his eyebrows. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”
She looks like she’s about to blow a fuse at him but is stopped in her tracks.
“Anyway guys!” Sam shouts. “Believe it or not, there’s one thing we haven’t done yet this summer …” He gains the attention of the whole group and we turn to listen to what he has to say. “Can you believe we’ve yet to actually be ‘festival goers’? Five weeks we’ve been at this. You know what they say, all work no play ...”
Thanks to the beer I downed, my judgement is hazy. Before I know what I’m doing, I agree over enthusiastically, “He’s right you know. We should totally get our festival on!”
Zoe glares at me. “Get our festival on? Do you think you’re part of the High School Musical gang or something?”
“Pack it in, Zoe.” Sam appears to have had enough of her snarky mood for one day. “Get a few drinks down your neck and you’ll be loving life with the rest of us. Now, how about we all go set up the tents and then let’s chill out? There’s been far too much working and bitching at each other for my liking this summer. Who’d have thought you could all be so boring?”
Sooz and Sophie laugh, leading the group to pick up the tents and pitch information. Once we’ve hauled our stuff off the bus, it’s a long walk in the stifling heat.
We got lost for an hour before we finally found where we were meant to be setting up which didn’t help improve Zoe’s mood. Watching her try to figure out the instructions and get the tent up is something I hope I’ll never forget. We all sit drinking, watching her cuss like a sailor. It’s taken her that long that we’ve wound up wasted and are now past the point of being able to help.
Attempting to be the hero, Sam jumps into her rescue.
“Don’t worry, Zoe baby. There’s room in my tent for you.”
“Not happening,” she snaps. “Will someone please hand me a drink before I die of dehydration.”
We spend the rest of the late afternoon and early evening drinking and generally being happy which makes a refreshing change to the animosity that is usually bubbling away. Even Amanda and her team manage to join in without any drama. The sense of unity between us is well overdue. The tour has been rather angsty and we’re all ready to have some fun.
As we’re closing up the tents, ready to head off and watch some bands, my cell vibrates in my pocket. Pulling it out, I find a message from Dan, which has me smiling to myself. Opening it, I read the text.
Missing you, counting down the days x
When I look up, of course Jake is watching.
“Can I help you?”
“Is that him?”
His expression is torn and the hurt in his eyes is crystal clear. I hate that I’m the one that’s put it there, but he’s not innocent in all of this and has played his own part in hurting me over the years.
Not knowing how to handle the whole situation, I reply, “It’s none of your business.”
He moves closer. “Of course, it’s my business, Abby. What’s going on between you two?” His voice is firm, but he attempts to keep the volume down, careful not to alert the others to the fact that we’re arguing, again.
“It’s nothing you need to worry about.”
“But I do, Abby, because I worry about what’s mine.”
“Jake, how many times are we going to have this conversation? I am not yours. I haven’t been for a long time. You gave up on us and until you tell me why,I won’t be yours, ever.”
I walk off to catch up with the girls. If they can tell I’m upset, they don’t let on, determined not to let the night be ruined. We spend the next few hours drinking and enjoying every part of the festival. It’s exciting to be out, living the life we’ve been working but not experiencing.
One of our favorite bands is headlining, and we all decide together that it’s a great place to end the night. We make our way as close to the stage as we can, which isn’t very close considering the thousands of people tightly packed around us. It doesn’t change how amazing it all is, and we all become lost in the show, letting loose for the final time. Thankfully, Jake and I have managed to avoid each other at all costs so there have been no more arguments. He’s kept himself at such a distance, I barely noticed he was still with us.
It's not far from the end of the performance when the crowd begins to get rowdy. We close our ranks in an attempt to keep away outsiders, but we’ve all had so much to drink that it proves difficult.
A guy from the group in front whohas gotten wasted falls back into me, knocking my drink out of my hands while covering me in his own.
“Hey asshole!” I yell, wanting to let him know I’m annoyed.
Annoyed and sticky. He spins around and leers at me drunkenly.
“Hey, beautiful,” he slurs.
“I wasn’t coming on to you. You spilled my drink and covered me in yours.”
He looks down to where my top has become see through and his gaze changes from drunken to seedy.
“Here, I can help with that.”
He approaches but I back away abruptly.
“You’re ok, I can sort myself out. Just watch what you’re doing next time.”
I wish that I’d left it and not gained his attention, the situation doesn’t feel right, and I start to feel apprehensive.
Swaying drunkenly on his feet, it takes a while for him to understand what I’ve said, then he grabs one of his friends and whispers something in their ear. His friend spins around with the same leer on their face and offers his own drink.
“Peace offering,” he says.
Everything begins to feel familiar, but I attempt to swallow down the nerves and how uncomfortable I’m feeling. I need to keep my head together and my wits about me with these guys.
I shake my head and reply, “It’s fine, thank you. I don’t need it.”
The guy’s expression changes and is replaced with rage.
“I said take it!”
He grabs my wrist, causing pain to shoot up my arm as he attempts to force his drink in my hand. I feel like I’m stuck in that night back in Brooklyn when I lost all control. Everything begins to look and feel the same, faces blur and I lose all sense of what is a flashback and what is reality.
Panicking, I try to find words, try to choke them out and make the others aware I’m in distress but fail as my throat feels like it’s closing up. I struggle to breathe, and everything begins to go black. When I feel like giving in to my own despair, like no one is going to help, a fist comes flying out of nowhere, and then another, smashing into the faces of the guys in front of me.
I vaguely register when Jake and Sam dive on top of the two guys, their faces contorted with anger like I’ve never seen before.
And then all hell breaks loose.
***
Jake – 2 years earlier
I should have known something was wrong as soon as we met with the girls. She wasn’t right – I knew she wasn’t and instead I let her carry on, for what, ten minutes? Ten valuable minutes that could be the difference in her fighting for her life.
The doctors said she was lucky and that she had a near miss. It could have been so much worse, what they used was strong and she was lucky we were there. Their words and concerns keep ringing through my mind on a continuous loop that I can’t get out of my head.
God, she was so close to being … being … I can’t bring myself to even think it, it’s unbearable. I can’t get it out of my head, the way she tumbled to the ground, lost all control. The way her body became lifeless. Sophie and Zoe are beside themselves and so they fucking should be. I don’t know how many times we’ve warned them, and now it’s Abby suffering for the mistakes they make time and time again.
I don’t know how long we’ve been in the hospital, when eventually the doctors give the go ahead to take her home. On and off she keeps regaining consciousness, but they said she won’t be fully with it for a few days and most likely won’t remember the times when she’s been awake.
All I care about is getting her somewhere comfortable and safe. Her parents can’t get back in time to bring her home and she needs to rest, so they agreed, for now, to let her come to my place. I promised I wouldn’t let her out of my sight, and they know I’ll stay true to my word.
John West knows how much his daughter means to me.
I’ve spent hours watching over her, days even. I can’t remember the last time I slept more than a half hour at a time, but there’s no way I’m letting her out of my sight again. Not a chance in hell. Not until she’s awake and resembles the Abby I know.
There’s one positive that’s come from all this though, it’s solidified how I feel about her. The girl lying in front of me, I can’t live without. I love her and I’d do anything for her. Cross an ocean, do anything she asked of me.
I just hope she feels the same.
***
Jake – Present
I saw red tonight. There’s no way around it. I completely and utterly lost my mind. I’d been keeping an eye on her all night long, I always do. Particularly when there’s alcohol involved, especially after that night.
The crowd had been getting raucous and it made me nervous not being able to get close to her and keep her safe, so I moved myself into such a position that I could watch what was going on. When I saw that dick lay his hands on her, I lost the plot and no one on Earth could have stopped me.
It doesn’t matter how much time goes by, how much of a fight she puts up or how many times she says it’s done. I will always be there watching over her, making sure she’s ok and fighting her corner. I walked away once, and it was the worst thing I ever did. I promised myself that I would never, do it again.
Watching, I knew what the guy was doing would affect her on a level no one else could comprehend. How could I forget the sleepless nights, watching over her as she tossed and turned and succumbed to the nightmares? She’ll never admit it, but she suffered with PTSD after the night she had her drink spiked and it’s clear now that she still does.
Two years ago, I watched as she powered on, pretended like everything was ok. No one would have blamed her for being how she was, she needed help to get through it but never reached out. But that shit doesn’t just disappear, it lies dormant and festers, rears its head when you least expect it, like tonight.
Tonight, I saw the sheer terror on her face, she was going down a dark hole she wouldn’t be able to crawl back out of.
I wanted to make her feel better. I wanted to make myself feel better. There’s no excuse, but maybe that’s why later, I did what I did. I shouldn’t have pushed it. I know deep down she wanted to try and put her feelings towards me to bed. But tonight, seeing her like that, I couldn’t just stand by and let that happen.
