Always Us by Lizzie Morton

 

 

 

 

 

 

Twenty-One

 

 

Abby

 

 

How many times am I going to wake up on this tour feeling like this? The world is spinning, and it needs to stop, right now. I don’t remember much else after getting back to where we were camping. Nausea builds and it passes through my mind that getting drunk last night probably wasn’t the best idea.

My next thought is that it’s really hot in here, like incredibly hot, unbearably hot. Rolling over onto my side, I soon find the answer why.

Shit.

I’d recognize that back anywhere, although there are a few new tattoos since the last time I spent the morning memorizing it. God, what have I done?

As if subconsciously, he knows I’m awake, Jake rolls over and it’s a sight to behold thanks to the fact we’re laying on top of my sleeping bag rather than in it. My eyes greedily take in every naked inch of him. His eyes remain closed and I’m unsure whether he’s asleep but can’t help gawping. I could never get bored of watching him like this.

I’m more hungover than I’ve been in a long time, and the sick feeling is building at an alarming rate, not helped by the guilt that is tugging me backwards and forwards. In case I wasn’t overwhelmed enough, I hear my cell vibrating from somewhere in the tent, alerting me to a new message that I know will be from Dan, because fate is kind like that.

Finally, Jake opens his eyes.

“Hey, you.” His voice has that sexy, gruff, early morning sound to it, which I’m trying not to let affect me. I can tell from how bleary eyed he is that he’s as hungover as I am.

“What have we done?” I ask, mortified.

“What we should have been doing every day for the past two years?” He looks amused and it pisses me off.

“I’m being serious, Jake,” I croak out. “We shouldn’t have done this, again.”

I want to scramble and get my clothes on, but my body has other ideas. It’s officially broken, and no quick movements will be happening any time soon.

“You weren’t complaining last night,” he looks at me like this is all a game.

Even though I’m annoyed, I can feel myself becoming flustered as his eyes trail hungrily over my naked body. Why does he have to be so sexy, even hungover, surely that’s not normal?

“It was the alcohol.”

I’m clutching at straws, but I know he isn’t going to let me get away with it that easily. Some of his playfulness disappears as he begins to get annoyed.

“You wanted it as much as I did, and alcohol had no part to play.”

“Jake, I told you. I’m trying to make a go of things with Dan. This shouldn’t have happened, and it can’t happen again.”

“You’ve had one date with him, Abby. We have years of history and you’re going to brush that aside for someone you met a couple of weeks ago? Someone you’ve spent what, a few hours with max?”

“There’s something there and I want to give it a chance.”

It feels like we’ve had this conversation before and there’s no doubt in my mind that it was last night when we were wasted, I just can’t remember clearly enough.

“I didn’t take you for a fame seeker because that’s what this is, isn’t it? He’s sooo sexy and cool because he’s world famous?”

I narrow my eyes at how childish he’s acting.

“That’s not it and you know it. You know I’m not like that.”

“I don’t know what to think anymore, Abby. I thought you’d never walk away from me and you did. I never figured you’d fuck me twice and shove me to the side, yet here we are.”

His words are degrading and make my actions sound slutty.

“How can you say those things to me?” I say quietly.

I’m almost in tears, but I don’t want to let him see how much he’s hurting me.

“How can I not? Put yourself in my shoes. How do you think I feel being treated like this? Having to watch you with him?”

“I don’t know what to say, Jake. We can’t keep doing this, it’s too much. Each time we break each other a little more.”

“I told you, Abby. I’m not going down without a fight. You might not want to admit it to yourself, but you’re mine. I’ll let you have your fun for now, but don’t forget everything that’s happened between us.”

He stands up as best he can in the small tent and begins pulling on his clothes before I get a chance to reply. He storms out without another word and when I’m certain he’s gone, I fall back, covering my face with my hands and allow the tears I’d managed to hold in fall.

How could I have done this to Dan?

We’re only at the start of whatever this is between us and already I’ve been unfaithful. He asked me if Jake and I were history and I blatantly lied, to give us a small bit of hope at starting something, only to do the complete opposite thing the next day.

There’s no way I can’t tell him about this, but how will he take it? He doesn’t strike me as the jealous or angry type, but this would be too much for anyone. Especially after what happened before our date. He had his doubts but put them aside, and what little faith he had in making something work between us, I walked all over.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this dance with Jake before it breaks me. Luckily, I don’t have to for much longer. We have a two-week break coming up after the guys’ performance later today and then I can get some much-needed space from him. Then there’s one more tour date to make it through.

I can do this. I hope.

 

***

 

The rest of the day is awkward. We all spend our time wallowing in our hangovers, which isn’t pretty. Whoever’s idea it was to go out drinking the night before a performance needs to be put down. Painful doesn’t begin to cover it.

Sooz is eager to get things done though, raging at herself for letting us all go wild like we did. It’s a half hour before the guys are due on stage, and I watch as she paces back and forth in the VIP tent, becoming more and more frazzled as the minutes tick by.

“Where are they?” she growls.

“Who knows?” I shrug.

My mind is in other places, but for the benefit of the guys, I should also be worried about where they are. They should be here by now, ready and getting amped to go on stage. But we’ve heard nothing.

A few minutes later noise comes from the entrance to the tent, and when we look, the band walks through in good spirits. They look considerably better than they did earlier this morning, and are followed by Amanda, who looks smugger than smug, and her team.

“I hate her sometimes,” says Zoe under her breath.

“You’re not the only one,” I agree.

Sooz ignores us both and zones in on the group.

“Where the fuck have you all been?”

Her choice of language shows she’s not her usual diplomatic self.

“Well …” Sam’s tone is playful. “Our wonderful lead PR rep let us go out and get wasted last night. We’ve spent as long as we can resting and making sure we’re ready for our set. Luckily, we had Amanda close by to think on her feet and she brought all the gear we needed.”

She preens next to him at his words. The way I’m feeling, I’ve never been so close to bitch slapping another woman, she’s pushed me to the edge too many times this summer, and to be frank, she’d deserve it.

Sam has misread the situation entirely though and doesn’t understand that when it comes to anything work related, Sooz doesn’t have a sense of humor. She grabs him by the scruff of the neck and drags him through to where they need to be sorting their instruments, while muttering under her breath that she doesn’t get paid enough for the shit she has to deal with.

I don’t look at Jake, I can’t.

What happened last night has been drip fed into my conscious as the day has gone on, like a slow form of torture. My body can’t decide whether it needs to be angry, repulsed or turned on, and I’m not sure how much longer I can hold it together in my fragile state. Without a word to anyone, I turn and make my way to the frontstage with my kit.

All I need to do is make it through the next hour. I keep telling myself that I can do this. I didn’t expect it to be so painful though. Wherever I move with the camera, trying to capture the performance, I can feel Jake’s eyes on me, burning into my skin. Each time I look up, his eyes are narrowed, and his expression is angry, causing my heart to race with anxiety.

At the rate I’m going, the images are going to be awful. I’ve no idea how I’m going to explain his expression to the record label, so I do what I can to capture him in the images without actually focusing on his face, then I pay more attention to the rest of the band.

Maybe, just maybe we will all get away with this, without being in serious trouble.

 

***

 

Hours later, we all collapse at a long table in a restaurant on the seafront. The late evening sun is setting and has a calming effect on us all. It’s been six weeks since we were all thrown together in this crazy scenario, and weirdly, I think we each feel a bit emotional at the idea of being away from each other.

We spend the first part of the evening drinking and eating, and finally recover from our hangovers from the night before. When we’re all fit to explode, we relax and become peaceful.

Shaun stands to do a bar run with the guys. Before he goes, he leans down into Zoe and rubs her back affectionately as he whispers something in her ear which makes her smile.

I watch as he leaves before unleashing my wrath on her.

“You slept with him, didn’t you?”

Sophie gasps and Sooz looks elsewhere, not wanting to get involved. Amanda and her cronies sit watching closely, refusing to miss out on any of the gossip.

When she doesn’t reply, I try to persuade her and say, “Zoe, talk to us.”

Sophie leans in nodding and encouraging her to open up.

“I don’t know what happened.” She places her head in her hands.

I’ve never pushed what I’ve seen happening between her and Shaun as I’ve not wanted to interfere. We’re past that point now, so I don’t try to hide that I’ve figured out something has been going on between them.

“Maybe this has been coming for a while?” I say.

“How so?”

She looks confused, maybe she’s more oblivious than I thought.

“It’s not the first time I’ve seen you guys flirting with each other. I thought there might have been something going on when I was back in Brooklyn, but I didn’t want to pry. It wasn’t quite as obvious as it is now.”

“Hmm.” She looks away.

“You can’t deny that you have a thing for him,” agrees Sophie. “I mean come on, he’s gorgeous. No one would blame you.”

Zoe shakes her head. “It’s too close to home.”

I understand what she means. She’s seen how a relationship within the group can affect everyone and has watched as the whole group has suffered at times because of things between me and Jake.

That’s why I say, “Don’t let me and Jake put you off trying something with him. We’re not the best example to go by.”

“There’s nothing to try.”

“How can you say that? This is Shaun we’re talking about. I’ve seen the way you look at him.”

“It was nothing.” Really, I know she’s just angry and annoyed with herself for letting her guard down because she’s scared.

She sleeps around and has one-night stands to avoid any sort of commitment, the same way she won’t commit to anything in her career. She’s scared that failing will hurt, so it’s easier to not risk it. It makes sense.

“If it was nothing, then nothing would have happened.” Sophie looks upset by how in denial Zoe is being.

“I said it was nothing and I mean it.” Her voice is firmer this time and increases in volume. “We fucked and that was it. It meant nothing.”

“Nice, Zo.”

Shit.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out that the guys have returned with perfect timing without us realizing, and that Shaun is standing directly behind us and has heard every word.

Zoe’s face pales and I watch as her eyes begin to glisten with tears. She will never admit it, but this has meant more to her than she’s letting on, and she clearly regrets what she just said, especially that he’s heard. She goes to stand so she can speak with him and explain.

As she’s moving, she says, “Shaun, I’m sorry, I—”

But he’s too angry with what he’s heard and slams his drink down before he storms out of the restaurant without a word.

Something dawns on me as I watch his reaction. I remember the conversation we had one night back home when he told me he had met The One. Only now do I understand that it’s Zoe.

The reason he came here, the reason he’s so upset, is because he’s been in love with her and has been waiting all along. And the moment he finally got to be with her, she’s stomped all over his feelings and shoved them back in his face.

I feel awful for them both. Shaun, because I know his heart will be breaking, and Zoe, because fate, the fucker, has once again intervened in a nasty way. She’s not been given the chance to process what happened between them and what she’s really feeling and now it might be too late.

Zoe looks at me in despair, not knowing what to do.

“Go after him,” I whisper, attempting to keep the moment private. “Try and explain, it’s all you can do.”

She nods solemnly and runs out of the restaurant after him, as fast as she can. I hope this can be sorted.

“Well, that was interesting.” Sam takes the seat next to me. “How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better. Seeing two of my best friends having their hearts broken by each other isn’t the nicest thing to witness.”

He chuckles lightly, pulling me in for a side-on hug. “Now you know how the rest of us feel.”

After the explosion, the night is done. We don’t even finish our drinks before deciding it’s time to make our way back to the bus. I hang towards the back of the group as we walk, not wanting to be too close to Jake and chance having to speak again about what happened last night. I haven’t told any of the girls yet and I’d be happier pretending it didn’t happen at all.

“I saw him leaving your tent this morning.”

Lost in my own thoughts, I failed to notice Amanda appear at my side.

“He was making sure I was alright after what happened,” I reply.

“All night long? My tent was on the other side of yours. I heard everything. The two of you weren’t exactly quiet.”

It’s dark so she can’t see how I turn red with embarrassment.

“Can we just leave it, Amanda? It’s been a long day and I’d rather not talk about it.”

“No. You can’t keep leading him on like this.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, I do. I’ve stood by and watched it for the past few years. I lost him, because of you. Remember?”

I do remember, every day. There isn’t a time I don’t feel guilty and a horrible person for what happened, but I don’t say that out loud, I’ve already apologized once.

“Look,” she continues. “I don’t want to fight with you anymore. In fact, I’ve never wanted things to be the way they are between us.”

My brows furrow together at the irony of what she’s saying, when each time this summer she’s been the one to provoke an argument. “You could have fooled me.”

“Give me time. Being thrown into this scenario hasn’t been easy and watching the two of you together has been hell.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are, and I know you didn’t mean to do the things you have. But at some point, you can’t keep stringing him along like you are doing.”

“I’m not doing it on purpose.”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that you are. I know you’ve tried to avoid him, but I also know the pull he has. You need to decide what it is you want.”

It makes me sound ridiculous when I admit, “I want it all to be easy, and so far, it’s been anything but.”

“Relationships aren’t easy, Abby. No matter how in love you are and how much passion there is, they still take work, and they can still be messy. You should know that.”

“I do know that.”

At least I think I do. But then I question to myself, when have I ever been in a relationship where I’ve had to work around loving someone the way I do Jake and everything it entails? Never.

“Then why are you giving up on him so easily?” she asks.

“He won’t give me what I need.”

“But are you giving him what he needs? Are you helping him?”

This girl is speaking in riddles and it feels like my hangover from earlier is starting to return.

“I’m not following,” I say confused.

“Come on, Abby, think about it. You finally got back together and as soon as there was any sign of hard work involved, of things not going the way you wanted, you walked away. That wouldn’t exactly fill a person with confidence when you’re asking them to open up and put their heart on the line.”

“How do you know all this?”

“Jake and I have moved past everything and managed to become friends over the past couple of years. He told me bits of what happened, and it makes sense to me why he’s holding back. You’re demanding something from him which he knows will test the both of you. Each time, as soon as he shows any resilience you walk away. It’s like you have no faith in him that when he’s ready and the time is right, he will tell you. You just need to give him time.”

What she’s saying makes sense. All along, maybe it hasn’t been Jake that’s been the problem, maybe it’s been me. I’m the one constantly throwing everything he says back in his face, who won’t hear him out.

I finally resign myself to the truth of what she’s saying. “I’ve been a spoilt bitch, haven’t I?”

“We all have our moments, don’t think you’re something special.” For the first time since we met, it feels like she gives me a genuine smile. “I just want to see him happy, and he can’t move on as long as you’re there, and this thing keeps happening between the two of you.”

“I know you’re right, but I don’t know what to do. I’m trying so hard to walk away, but each time I do, there’s this pull between us, bringing us back together.”

“Does that not tell you something? Perhaps you should stop walking away and finally give him a real chance. Let him come to you with everything else in his own time.”

“And what about Dan?”

“Ah, lovely Dan.” She looks dreamily into the distance. “That’s where things get tricky. I see the appeal, I do. But do you know him enough to sacrifice everything with Jake, once and for all? Is he worth it?”

I swallow. “I’m not sure.”

“Only you can make the choice, Abby. I wish I could help, but I can’t. This is all on you.”

“Great.”

I roll my eyes and Amanda laughs.

“I hope one day we can maybe be friendlier towards each other. I know what happened between the two of you was inevitable, I see that now. I see that I never stood a chance. I honestly hope you figure out what it is you really want.”

Satisfied that we’ve overcome some sort of hurdle between the two of us, and that maybe the rest of the summer could be somewhat bearable, I nod back to her, signaling we’re done with the conversation.

But what is it I really want? Her words keep ringing over and over in my mind: until I decide, there’s only one place I will get any sort of clarity.