The Masks We Wear by Lee Jacquot

 

SEVENTEEN

 

My phone buzzes for the fifteenth time, and I don’t even bother looking anymore. My last test is coming up, and with the nonstop shit at school, focusing has been nearly impossible.

It’s been a whole fucking week, and people still haven’t let up. The constant gifts left for me have become so abundant, the local shelter knows me by name. I’ve dropped off donations every day. Dog bowls, food, leashes, toys, you name it. At first, it was easy to ignore, but it went from annoying to straight fucking harassment. The amount of little scabs running across my palm from clenching my fist is pitiful.

Hold fast, hold steady.

I played my mother’s words on a loop to keep from bashing in every head that barked at me. She’s forgotten about the fight already, but I haven’t forgotten the face she made when I got home. It was the same one she gave me back in Idaho when all she saw in me was a bloody disappointment.

There isn’t much time left before I’m just another stranger, and I’ll be damned if that’s the last look she ever gives me while remembering who I am.

I won’t lie, though. Holding fast and steady this afternoon has proved fucking difficult. It’s Friday afternoon, just a couple of hours since school’s let out, and my phone won’t stop ringing. I answered the first one, but after being barked at, I haven’t bothered picking it up again. Somehow my number got out, that much is obvious, but then the emails started coming in. How the fuck they got that is beyond me.

Now, I’m waiting for Remy to finish up her book club meeting, so we can FaceTime study for this chemical compound test. Glancing at the clock, I consider texting her. Tell her I’ll just come over tomorrow after work so that I can turn off my phone.

Right as my finger hovers over our text thread, a bright smile and hexagon glasses flash across the screen.

“Spencer!” Her voice is breathy like she’s been running. “I’ve been calling you. Where are you?”

Guilt takes the place of annoyance, and I sigh, rubbing the nape of my neck. I must have missed it while ignoring others. “You and thirty other people. I’m sorry, I don’t know what th—”

“I know! That’s why I’ve been calling. Can you come over?”

My brows pull together. “Yeah, of course. Now?”

“Yes, hurry up, Spence.”

I pause, feeling my face contort at the use of the nickname before responding. “Okay.”

After hanging up, I turn my phone off, unable to take any more of the calls, and throw on a hoodie. Whatever the fuck is going on, there’s no doubt in my mind who’s the cause. The moment she swung herself out of the room, I knew.

Lily’s pissed.

But I’m not sure why. She mentioned multiple times about keeping my mouth shut, which I’ve done. No one knows her mom’s a custodian, and I damn sure haven’t told them Lily’s family abandoned her. So I don’t know what her problem is. She seems to be pissed I don’t react, but that’s like bully survival 101. Don’t engage, and they’ll leave you alone. But it seems to have the opposite effect on her.

My eyes flash to the house behind mine. It’s hidden under a fresh blanket of snow, the smoking chimney showing the only signs of life inside. The life that for some reason, is hell-bent on making mine miserable. An unwelcome ache radiates across my chest, but I force my gaze away, snatching my keys from the kitchen counter and leave.

The influx of snow we’ve had causes it to take a little longer than normal to get to Remy’s, which lets my mind wander more. Frustration burrows in my head as I try to wrap my thoughts around what the fuck happened with Lily and me.

There’s something I’m not seeing. Something I’ve missed, maybe.

By the time I arrive, the sun is setting, and a chill cuts through the air, threatening to bring a blizzard with it.

Remy must hear me pull up and opens the front door before I get out of my car. She’s bundled up in fleece long johns, and a chunky knit blanket wrapped around her. Her short nose is already blooming a pink that’s spreading to the tops of her cheeks. Those big hazel eyes are wide beneath her oversized glasses as she watches me trek up the driveway.

I make a note to clear it before I leave in case she needs to go somewhere.

“What’s up?”

She closes the door behind me but doesn’t respond immediately. Instead, her eyes focus on the floor, and she chews on the corner of her lip. After a few seconds, she tilts her head toward a stack of crumpled paper on the entryway table.

Grabbing the one on top, I glance at Remy before opening it. Her voice is barely above a whisper. “I got as many as I could find.”

The flyer is the printed photo from the party with a bold print, listing the appropriate time I can be reached for services, along with my phone number, email, and place of fucking employment.

It’s not anger or rage that floods through my body, it’s validation. It’s knowing my suspicions were right, and every bad thing in my life stems from this new Lily. The one I loved isn’t underneath some complicated layers, waiting to be saved.

This girl is damaged beyond recognition, leaving me mourning the loss.

“It could always be worse.” Shrugging, I toss the paper back down and stride up her stairs two at a time.

There’s a pain, one I don’t want to acknowledge, stabbing into my heart. Each breath I take makes it worse, shoving whatever’s poking it, further in. I flop down on her futon in my usual place, and my hand massages the ache.

Remy appears in the threshold, still bundled up. She peers over the rim of her glasses before pushing them back up the bridge of her nose. “You’re not mad?”

“Nope.”

It’s not a lie, but it’s not the truth. Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck I’m feeling.

“Seems a little much for someone to do just because they want you to do their part of a project, Spencer.” Remy sits next to me, folding her legs beneath her. She almost looks like a little kolache, and it makes me smile.

Her eyebrows knit together, and I realize she’s waiting. When I merely shrug again, she clears her throat. “I’ve thought about things lately, and I noticed something. You know a lot about me. Like a lot an—”

“No, I don’t,” I interject. I know where this is going, and I’m not ready. Having a friend of the opposite sex is easy, but when they know too much, when they know everything and become a best friend, that’s when you have to worry about losing them–about becoming strangers that know each other’s secrets. I don’t want to lose Remy.

“What’s my favorite color?” She’s not going to let this go.

“Pink. But come on, that’s pretty easy.” I gesture around the room. “Your favorite hobby is reading. You always have a book, most of the time, your finger is tracing some part of it. You’re smart as fuck, and low-key a little funny. You stutter when you get nervous and chew on your bottom lip so much, it explains why it’s always swollen. Let’s not forget your bad taste in guys. But those aren’t intimate things, just simple observations of a scientist.”

Remy huffs, leaning back a little. “I see. And are you always that observant?”

I nod. “Always.”

“Okay. Well, it looks like we have a few things in common. Like our poor choices in who we like.”

My head tilts. “You lost me.”

“I mean, this thing with Lily. Crush gone wrong? Or mayb—”

“Crush? Remy, fuck that girl. She’s a psychotic fucking train wreck, and the only kind of crushing I want to do, is my hand around her throat. I can’t believe she’s changed so damn mu— Fuck.” Remy laid the trap in front of me, and I still fell in.

“Changed. The Lily I’ve known about has been the same since she was a freshman. Who’s the Lily you knew?”

I sigh, scrubbing my hands over my face. She doesn’t need to know every detail, but keeping up the vague lie is becoming exhausting. “Her name was Liliana when I knew her.”

After that small admission, the words flow. I tell her everything. How Liliana and I met, our childhood, the time spent in the summers under the stars, and all the days we wasted in the treehouse. My mother’s condition and her parents’ absence. I tell Remy how much I loved Liliana.

I loved her.

The once annoying stabbing in my chest stops. Now, it’s a twisting sensation, and everything inside my ribs seizes. My ribs cave under the pressure, and suddenly I can’t breathe.

I need to leave.

“Remy, I got to go. Thank you for ripping the posters down. But really, don’t worry about it. I don’t want you becoming a target or anything.” No matter how much I try, my voice cracks, strained under the lack of air.

Remy, being the amazing friend she is, just nods and stands, walking me to the door in silence. When we get to the front, the weight has lessened, and I turn on my heels.

“Where’s your snow shovel?”

She shakes her head, “Oh, no. You don’t need to do that, Spencer. My dad should be home in the next couple of days.”

“Where?” I say again, though this time, I’m not asking.

A smirk lifts the right side of her mouth, and she juts her chin toward the side door. “Left side of the garage, in the tall bin.”

Nodding, I head out. “See you tomorrow, Remy.”

I find the shovel and tug my hoodie on, leaving her garage open a foot so I can roll it back under when I’m done. The frigid air wraps around me, tightening every muscle in my body. The wind has died down, leaving a new layer of snow on the ground. The crunch of it beneath my feet echoes into the night as I trudge to the side of the driveway behind her car.

Taking my time, I start, pushing all my weight into the handle. I force all my attention on the satisfying lines I make as I pile the snow on the side. Clouds of smoke come out in puffs as the thin air becomes harder to breathe.

For the next twenty minutes, my mind is nothing. It’s barren of any thoughts beside the cold, and the stars shining ridiculously bright despite the amount of light pollution our city makes.

Finally, in my car, the vibrations of the engine purring as it warms settle my chatting teeth. With the thawing of my skin, comes the memory of the first and only time I ever saw snow with Lily.

“I can’t believe you’re here! How did you get your mom to agree?” Liliana’s warm brown eyes are the only thing keeping me from freezing. Her smile is stretched from ear to ear, making the one-day trip all the more worth it.

“Oh, she didn’t mind since it’s just today.”

Liliana’s smile flips, and my stomach plummets with it. “Just today? I thought you’d be here all week.”

“I know, I’m sorry. But hey, at least we get to build a snowman. Scratch it off our bucket list.”

She pouts for a minute, pushing her lips out, and I wonder what it would be like to kiss her. Share our first kiss in the snow. Maybe after the hot chocolate, grinch movie, and some snowman building. Maybe.

I didn’t kiss her. The chicken shit I was. And come to find out, she would kiss Johnny Macland at the city Christmas Yule a week later.

I was so mad, I almost caught the bus to go punch his ass in the face. He knew I liked her. William had to talk me off the ledge. Probably explains why I’m calling him now.

“Aye, man, what’s up?” William’s voice fills the car.

Hearing it does something. Almost as if it’s a reminder and a realization all at the same time. He was there through it all. The beginning, middle, and end of Lily and I. He knows the way she burrowed into my fucking skin, tattooing herself into my chest. Will was also the one that had to put me back together when she ripped herself out, leaving a big-ass hole.

I slam my fist into the dashboard, and the tears that have been teetering on the edge finally do, searing down my face. Anger boils in my gut. I’m pissed I still fucking care.

I still fucking care.

A shuffling on the speaker reminds me that William is still there. He clears his throat and sighs. “I’m on my way.”