The Masks We Wear by Lee Jacquot

 

NINTEEN

 

“You did what?” William leans back in my desk chair, throwing a blue stress ball in the air. His long black sleeves are rolled halfway up his forearm, just under where his tattoos start. Only one emerald butterfly is visible, vibrant against his deep golden brown skin, and each time he extends his arm, it looks like the wings are flapping. I’ve been watching it, trying to distract myself from the ones in my stomach as I tell him about my royal fuck up with Lily earlier this week.

Turns out the red light can make you do stupid ass things, and now it’s all I’ve thought about—replaying it in my head on a constant loop. If it’s not my dick throbbing in my pants, it’s the twitch behind my eyes, reminding me of my mistake.

And now that William’s here, I have a feeling things are going to get more chaotic. He has a way of acting on impulse. Like now, being hours away from home, and I can bet my bank account, his mom doesn’t know. After my breakdown outside Remy’s house, he practically forced me to let him come for the weekend, help me move on from the stress like he did three years ago. At the time, when I was wrapped in too many emotions, I said yes.

Because at the time, things weren’t that bad. But then I kissed her.

I kissed Lily.

What the fuck was I thinking?

I brush my thumb across my lips and can still feel the warmth of her mouth. Her taste was sweet, but not like the fake sugar that spews from her daily. It was like honey—real... raw, unfiltered.

Everything about it was primal. Aching need fueled every movement I made. Well, that and her desperate whimpers. I almost lost control completely, caught up in everything I ever wanted at the tips of my fingers. But she opened her eyes, and when I saw the fake hazel instead of her chocolate brown, I remembered.

She’s not the one I want...wanted.

“You’ve lost it, Hanes. You need a good fuck. That helped the first time.” He tosses the ball at me, and I let it bounce off my arm.

I grimace, ignoring the horrendous flashbacks trying to flit through my mind. Fucking Lily out of my system didn’t work, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell William that. After sophomore year, he forced me to every party, wing-manning the shit out of each one. He was a good friend, doing what we thought would help. But when I found myself on top of someone later, she always had brown hair and chestnut eyes.

A means to an end. But the end never came. I was never satisfied or happy after, just numb. I was confused back then. I still cared about her. I still wanted her.

Now?

Now, the ache running through my body is nothing more than anger. Anger that I wasted so much time caught up in a girl wearing a mask. I had it backward—thinking Liliana was still underneath it when really that was the persona all along. The more I think about it, the more frustrated I get with myself.

When people show you who they truly are, believe them.

“So what are you going to do?” William’s large frame hops from my chair, leaving it spinning behind him. He’s only an inch or two taller than me and is bulky where I’m lean.

“Any parties happening this weekend?” He sinks into my bed, propping a hand behind his head, and pulls a thick curl out straight to examine it. “Let’s grab a couple of girls, or maybe a few, and have a good time.”

I scoff, falling into the empty chair. “Yeah, at Lily’s. And there no fucking way I’m going there.”

“Yes, the fuck we are.” Will releases his dark coil and leans on his side. “It’s perfect, actually. After all the shit she’s done, bring out the Spencer I know. Show up, get a few girls, and let her see that bullying a guy doesn’t matter. He can still get pussy.”

“Dude, I need a break from seeing her.”

“We’re going.”

“She’ll probably have someone kick us the fuck out on sight.”

He huffs, puffing up his chest. “And we beat their ass like old times.”

“You know I can’t.” With William, I don’t have to explain things when it comes to my mom. Too many occasions, he’s had to help me find her when she went on walks and didn’t come back for hours. He was actually the one to call my dad and let him know what was going on. I was hardheaded. Thinking I could carry the weight of her, school, and my future. I think part of me didn’t want to give up his real friendship and come back to the one that broke me in two.

“How is Ms. Hanes?”

I shrug, rubbing the spot above my shirt pocket. “Her and my dad are visiting some places this weekend. Where she might be more comfortable.” That last part is a whisper.

Williams’ lips form a thin line. “I’m sorry, man.”

I shake my head. “It’s just...one day, she won’t remember me at all. And I don’t want her last memory to be of me disappointing her. If that means I take Lily’s shit a little longer, so be it.”

William nods. “Yeah, man, I get it. Alright. Well, I promise to behave if you say we can go.” He holds up two fingers pinched together. “Scout’s honor.”

“Says the same boy who went across to the girl scouts camp and got a blowjob.”

“Hey! Still to this day, the best blowie of my life.”

We erupt in laughter. A genuine, deep, fuck-the-rest-of-the-world, laughter. And for two seconds, I forget the pain digging in my side.

“WE’RE OUTSIDE.” I end the call and point to Remy’s driveway. I told her I was being kidnapped and dragged to a party against my will. She threatened to call off work an entire week if we didn’t pick her up too.

She appears in seconds, and William sucks in a sharp breath. Her curvy frame is on full display under a cream sweater hanging over leggings. Tan boots grip her calves and have a heel, boosting her small height a few inches. A woven beanie sits at the back of her head, leaving her face exposed. There’s a blush overtaking her cheeks and button nose, somehow making her cuter.

I hit Will in the shoulder before he can get any ideas. “She’s off-limits.”

“Ugh.” He rubs his bicep, scowling but not taking his eyes off Remy. “You don’t like her, so why can’t I have some fun?”

“Romance reader.”

His annoyingly bright eyes flash to me. “Fuck. Yeah, hard pass.”

Remy stops when she sees us, so I open my door, waving her over. “We took William’s truck.”

“Yeah, I can see that. It’s huge. How in the world am I going to get in there?”

“I’ll pull you up.”

She walks closer, moving cautiously until she’s at my side. She looks up and sees Williams’ perfect smile next to me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Remy’s eyes so big. “H-hi.”

Holding out my hand, she grasps it, hoisting herself into the back of the truck, her gaze flicking to his too many times.

I sigh, close the door, and make the introductions quick. “William, Remy. Remy, William.”

“Hey-a, sugar. Nice to meet you.”

It’s hard to keep my eyes from rolling. It’s like he can’t even help it—his promiscuous nature oozes from every part of him whether he wants it to or not.

We take the ride back to my neighborhood, and I can’t seem to hear the conversation they start having. Each time we pass a stop sign that’s closer to her house my pulse increases, leaving a whooshing sound in my ears that makes my head dizzy.

I haven’t seen her since the kiss. And after William answered a few of my spam calls, even that’s died, leaving me to think it all fucking happened in my head.

But when we pull up, and I feel the thud of my heart in my throat, I know it didn’t. My body vibrates with the fucked-up combination of nerves, anger, and arousal. I’m beginning to think I’m going crazy. That’s what Lily’s done to me.

Always done to me.

Made me think things that weren’t real. Feelings, who she was... the list goes on.

William decides to park at my house, and we walk around the end of the street, wrapping back around to Lily’s. We fall behind a group of juniors giggling and rattling off about the football game from Friday. They are all huddled close, shivering with their laughter. For the ground to be covered in snow, it always surprises me the lack of clothes people wear to these things.

“So this is it, huh? The house to the famed Liliana.” William looks around, letting his eyes linger on a few groups of girls.

I nod, unable to really speak. I don’t see her, but I can feel her. The heat on the side of my face is scalding, but I can’t force myself to look just yet.

No matter how much we can’t stand each other, in that room, we both wanted each other. And that scares the fuck out of me.

“Well, well. I thought I told Blaze to take the trash out.” Amora skirts in front of us, blocking our path to the living room. She turns to Remy first, letting her icy eyes trail down Remy’s body.

“And who is she supposed to be? Someone we actually give a fuck about?” William looks at me, his thick brows raised.

“Oh, honey, I’m not sure who you are, but I’m all you should care about.” Amora turns to William, a placid expression on her face, but the vein in her neck pulses.

“I’m anything but sweet, bunny. Now, hop along and bother someone else.”

William twists and faces Amora. I don’t miss the way her eyes widen slightly or the hitch in her breath. It’s the normal reaction when girls meet him. Hell, guys too. But she doesn’t back down. “Bunny. That’s cute. Know what else would be cute? Watching your nose play peek-a-boo under my pussy.”

He scoffs, but a playful smile curls the end of his lips. “Sorry, dove, I’m fasting. But even if I wasn’t, I’d have to pass. You look a little clingy.”

Amora tilts her head back and laughs so hard she snorts. She flips her blonde strands behind her exposed shoulder, and suddenly all humor has left her. “I only use you boys, for a little light amusement. And while you look like a fun time,” her eyes drop the length of his body, stopping right at his groin before snapping back up. “I bet I’d be disappointed.”

She disappears before William can respond, but even if she hadn’t, he looks stumped. His mouth is open, and his eyebrows are furrowed. It’s a face I have never seen on him before. “Who was that?”

“Lily’s best friend.”

He huffs, running an oversized hand through his hair. “Hmm. That explains a lot.”

Remy grunts, leaning against the wall. “C-can we get some drinks?”

I wrap my hand around her wrist, rubbing the back of my burning neck with the other, and lead them toward the kitchen. “Say less.”