The Masks We Wear by Lee Jacquot

 

THIRTY SEVEN

 

To say I’ve been a fucking wreck the last five days is the understatement of the century. Sleeping, eating, hell, even thinking has become a daunting task I have to force myself to do. There’s no way I can prove I didn’t do it. Hell, it makes perfect sense that it would be me. But that’s not going to stop me from trying to prove tooth and nail until the truth does come out.

Too many times have I let this girl walk out of my life, with me in the rear, willingly letting her.

Not this time.

She needs to know that without a shadow of a doubt, she is for me. I am for her. And that’s it.

Which explains why my dumbass drove out to regionals as a one last grand gesture. I have no fucking clue what to say or how I might persuade her, not to mention I’m a ball of nerves. This also explains why William drove me, lecturing me the entire way. It wasn’t until we pulled up and saw the flock of cheerleaders, he relaxed a little.

“She’s hot, no offense.” He holds his hands up, a silent surrender to the wrath he dealt with after he mistakenly kissed her during a Halloween party. “But jeesh, man. How many signs are you going to need from the universe before you grab some new snatch?”

“Are you done?” I ask over my shoulder, meandering through the dense crowd.

He always brings up how long it took me to get her out of my mind back in Idaho. How long I moped around until I finally found something to keep my mind busy. But I never moved on, and those girls were only a distraction. She’s it for me.

My heart knew way before my head. But now that they are on the same page, there’s no going back.

William stops at least four times to pick up a few numbers before we find our way to the front. Lily’s aunt Mina stands, waving us over. “Where in the hell have you guys been? They’re up.”

Will tenses beside me, wide green eyes stuck on Mina. He has no shame as his gaze trails down the length of her black sundress, then finding its way to her lips.

“Oof.” He huffs as I jab him in his side.

Mina ignores him altogether and sits, tugging on my shirt sleeve to follow.

Even though our circumstances weren’t ideal, it’s been nice getting to know her. She’s always been kind when she’s had to turn me down from seeing Lily. “She’s not ready. Just give her some time. She has to figure it out herself. She needs to know without a shadow of a doubt, or else it will be forced. She’ll come around.”

I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees when the announcement is made.

“Three-time reigning Regional Champs, Emerald Falls High School.” The announcer booms and the entire stadium erupts. The bleachers shake, my ears pop, and our bodies vibrate with palpable excitement.

The Emerald Falls cheer squad exits from behind a hidden curtain, trialing in military-style. Each step is perfectly in tune, matching that of the person in front of them. The three in front carry black and gold pom-poms, one of which is Lily.

My heart stops, just as the noise around me fades. It’s only been a few days since I’ve seen her, but it feels like a lifetime. I clench my teeth, fighting the burn prickling at the back of my eyes.

Every nerve in my body is pulling me toward the sizable blue mat.

My leg shakes at my side until Mina places a tender hand on my knee. “It’s going to be fine. Just got to hold fast.”

I look to her, my nostrils flaring with a burn coiling in them. Her ruby lips curl into a soft smile before she pats my leg twice.

Before I have time to think, the music starts.

The girls break off, moving in unison before bunching up in groups and lifting another, tossing her in the air incredibly high. The flying girls twist, some flip, but they all land to their feet with unbelievable grace.

After that, stunts are done, one after the other, in unison that reminds me of those synchronized swimming competitions. Everything is fluid, as if their muscles have the memory of every move they’ve ever practiced, and their bodies are on autopilot.

It’s incredible to watch. And Lily is a fucking masterpiece. She commands the mat, and though her eyes are facing the front, I catch the small orders and compliments she gives each of the girls when they move and rotate. She’s incredible.

My gut twist. This is the first time I’ve ever seen her in her element. And now, I regret all the missed time I could have seen this. Seen how absolutely made for this, she is.

No more wasted time. Ever again.

Lily sticks the final landing of an outlandishly high jump, and the crowd erupts. Even William stands to applaud.

After everything calms, groups of other teams file out onto the floor, all clustering up. Some sit in tight circles, others are in loose staggered sitting groups.

“This is for the winners,” Mina whispers in my ear.

“This soon?”

She nods, raising her eyebrows and bunching up her shoulders. “I’m so nervous.”

I’m not. Even though I didn’t get to watch any of the other teams, there’s no fucking way EFH didn’t win. They fucking killed it. My eyes find Lily standing on the outside of their circle. Their hands are interlocked, and she’s speaking to all of them with their heads inclined toward her. I make out the words proud and phenomenal, and I couldn’t agree with her more.

The announcer’s voice echoes through the stadium with his announcements. “First, we would like to give a round of applause for all the performances here today—amazing job, ladies and gentlemen. We would also like to thank our sponsors for making this event possible and continuing to support the cheerleading community. At this time we would like to announce or third place winners... Astigo Valley High. Nice job, ladies.”

The team with sea-foam green stands, waving at the crowd before moving to the front of the mat to accept a pretty impressive trophy.

“Our second-place winner… Coentuga High. Great job, ladies.”

This time a red team stands, bouncing to the front to accept an even larger trophy.

My eyes leave the red team and snap back to Lily, whose eyes are on me. Her face is impassive, and while that scares the shit out of me, I don’t care. I mouth it anyway because I want her to hear it from me first. “You won. Congratulations. You killed it.”

Her hand lifts to her mouth before rubbing the tip of her nose. But that’s it. My heart jackhammers in my chest, but I don’t allow my thoughts to wander. To doubt. Instead, I hold on to my chair’s armrest and focus on the announcer’s voice.

“And your RCA, Regional Champs in the northwest division, with a ninety-three point seven five, Emerald Falls Highschool!”

The crowd erupts, even louder than when they were introduced, and the entire stand jumps to their feet, myself included. The Emerald Falls cheerleaders jump, celebrating their victory, and in the middle of it all, my eyes find her.

A shot of cannon confetti sounds in the air, raining down as my heart thunks in my chest, begging me to go to her now.

I want to jump over the fucking railing, past the judge’s table, and grab her.

So I do.

My hands grip the cold metal railing, and my muscles tense as my feet leave the ground. I land the three-foot jump and bound past the long table, ignoring the hollers of Mina, William, and a group of security guards now trailing after me.

I reach the mat and jerk to a stop. My chest heaves, adrenaline shooting through my nerves with a force so strong my body shudders. The group of girls doing the small celebration look at me, mouth ajar. Lily rotates, eyes connecting with mine.

Everything I had planned to say evaporates in the heat swirling between us. The part of me that always lets her choose what she wants to do rears its head—whispering how stupid I am. How this isn’t going to work. To turn my dumbass around and walk back to the stands.

But I don’t. Not this fucking time.

“Lily. Since the day I saw you, with that yellow ribbon tied in your hair, flying behind you in the wind, I knew. Right then and there. But if I didn’t, you showed me the next week when I went into that treehouse and never wanted to leave. You’ve been with me through the roughest times of my life, even when you weren’t physically there. You’re so many wonderful things bundled into a spicy little ball of fire, and fuck, Lily, being without you feels like being without the Sun.”

Lily’s eyes slowly well with a wall of tears, or maybe it’s my own eyes, but she doesn’t stop me. She just stares. Everyone stares, waiting. I greedily swallow some air before saying what I should have said the day she told me not to move to Emerald Falls.

“I would never hurt you, Lily. I need you to trust me when I say that because it’s always been you. Yesterday, today, tomorrow. For the rest of my fucking life. It will always be you. And I am so in love with you I—”

“I love you too.”

“Lily, I promise you I didn’t... wait. What?”

The ends of her perfect lips curl, those chestnut eyes glimmering with amusement. “I said I love you too, Spence.”

Is it possible that your heart can explode with happiness, but you somehow live through it? Because mine does. It swells in my chest and pushes so hard into my ribs, I have to hold a hand to it to keep it inside. Relief, euphoria, bliss. Everything surges through my body until I feel the tear slide down my cheek, matching the ones trailing down hers.

I scoop her in my arms, the sudden screams and cheers of the crowd finally registering as we twirl around, her giggles muffled in my neck. A second round of confetti cannons ring out, showering us in the gold and black of Emerald Falls. And when Lily leans back, hands clenching me as if she may fall at any second, I see it.

Her purest form. The one before she was, before she needed to put on the facade.

My future. Wrapped in her chestnut eyes.

Our love. Raining down in foil confetti.

This new Lily isn’t some horrible girl, hell-bent on making my life miserable. She’s a fighter, resilient and strong. Lily’s the product of thousands of pounds of pressure molding her into the diamond I couldn’t see. I thought all this time she had lost herself, but really she was blooming into what she’s always been since the day I laid eyes on her.

A queen.