Alec by Margaret McHeyzer
Sitting in the counselor’s office at New Dawn, Jordan is beside me, and he’s been fidgety since we arrived in Kentucky. Luckily, the drive from the airport to here was less than an hour, and with Alec doing all the driving, I was able to keep Jordan from jumping out his skin, or possibly the moving car.
“How are you feeling, Jordan?” Robert, the counselor, smiles.
Jordan is antsy, it’s obvious to everyone in the room. “I’m fine, I don’t have a problem, and I don’t know why I’m here.”
I feel my shoulders droop, and I let out a breath of resignation. This has been on repeat for hours, ever since we left Mulberry Point. “You’re here because if you don’t take this treatment, then I don’t want anything more to do with you,” I say, struggling with the words that are so harsh and final. The reality is, I could never walk away and wipe him from my life.
“Seems your sister is worried about you,” Robert says.
Jordan’s leg is bouncing up and down, and he’s looking around the office, remaining silent.
“What would you like to see happen to your brother, Serena?”
“I’d like him to get clean, and find his strength. He’s a good person, but right now, any semblance of that is buried under years of drug abuse. And I don’t even know who he is anymore.”
“We can help with that. Jordan, how do you feel about what your sister has said?”
Jordan shrugs as if he doesn’t care. We wait for an answer, but it doesn’t appear as if he wants to verbalize one.
“I can’t wait until I can come back here for a visit, and see my brother again. Not this version of a brother, but my brother. My funny, smart brother who I miss so much,” my voice cracks, and Alec reaches for my hand to hold. “The brother I want to be able to talk to, and hug, and want him to hang out with me and my boyfriend. The one I don’t have to worry about anymore.” A few tears leak and I’m struggling to keep it together. “I want that guy back. Not this one.” I point to Jordan.
Alec squeezes my hand to let me know he’s here for me. He leans in, kisses my temple, then whispers, “You’re so strong.”
“Are you ready to live?” Richard asks Jordan
What a daunting question. It makes my stomach churn and my heart race.
Jordan only nods without saying another word.
“We’ll need to go through your suitcase,” Richard starts.
“This is the only thing he came in with.” I pointedly look at the ragged, dirty clothes Jordan is wearing. “But, I’ll go to the mall to buy him some clothes and bring them back.”
“Excellent. Jordan, if you’d like to follow me, I can introduce you to the treatment team who’ll be looking after you and show you to your room.” Richard stands. “And Serena, if you don’t mind, please wait here a moment so we can have a chat.”
“Okay.” Jordan stands, and without even looking at me, he follows Richard out the door. “I love you,” I call to Jordan, who flips me the bird over his shoulder.
“Don’t take it personally,” Alec says.
“It’s hard not to.”
“When we leave here we’ll find a Walmart or Target so you can get clothes for Jordan. And I’ve booked us into a room for the night, not too far from here. We’ve got a flight back tomorrow at midday.”
My head has been in a whirlwind from the moment I listened to that voicemail message last night. “Everything’s happening so fast. I’m surprised, because even though I want this, I’m not ready for it.”
“This is the best place for him to be. This is what you’ve been working so hard for. It’s his best chance at kicking his addiction.”
“Logically, I know this is the best place for him. I’m just frightened. What if this doesn’t work and he goes back to using again?” I bury my face in my hands. My chest hurts while my breath becomes short and sharp.
“Come on, it’ll be okay.” He swivels my chair around easily, pulls me up and sits me on his lap. His arms envelop me while he tries to calm my anxious, wayward feelings. “You’re shaking.” He kisses my forehead over and over again.
“I feel like a blubbering mess.”
“You’re allowed to break down, Serena. You’ve done a miraculous job keeping him alive this long, and you should be really proud of all your efforts.”
I clutch at my chest as I crumple against him. “It hurts, Alec. It hurts so bad.”
“To be afraid is okay. Be kind to yourself. You’ve been on the go for how many years, and now he’s in the best hands possible.”
The door closes, and I struggle to lift my head. “Everything okay?” Richard asks.
“Serena’s coming to terms with everything,” Alec responds on my behalf.
“I can tell. I know you love your brother, and I know he’ll flourish here. And the other thing I know is that I can see how strong a support system you’ll be for him once his ninety days are up,” Richard says. “Let me put your mind at ease, Serena, and tell you a little about what’s going to happen.”
I pull back from Alec, and silently thank him for being my rock in my dark hours. I sit again on my seat, and reach for a tissue on Richard’s table. “I’m sorry you’ve seen me like this. I’m usually stronger.”
“It’s often the times we’re feeling our weakest, that we’re actually at our strongest.”
I suppose that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. Weak, and empty, unable to help Jordan when he’s needed me most. “I feel like I can breathe again.”
Richard is an older man, maybe in his late fifties, with a very bad comb-over, but the kindest smile and eyes. “So, he’s having a shower right now, and we’ve got some clothes he can change into. You need to bring some underwear, sweaters, t-shirts, shorts, and pants. Nothing too elaborate, because the withdrawals will be intense once the Narcan is fully out of his system.”
“He was hot and sweaty, and quite on edge for the entire flight and car ride over,” Alec says.
“Very normal, so don’t worry about it. You got him here, and that in itself is commendable. You’ve kept him breathing, Serena. But now, it’s time to trust in us, and to know we’ll get him clean and hopefully he’ll work hard to stay clean.” It’s obvious to me that Richard genuinely cares for the patients who come here. He’s kind and thoughtful, and speaks with confidence, though gently too.
“When do you think I’ll be able to come back to see him?”
“First of all, he’ll need to detox before he can see anyone. The physical detoxing is very difficult. However, the hardest part will be the warfare going on in his mind. You see, the receptors in his brain will be telling him for a while that ‘just a little bit won’t hurt,’ and the more he resists it, the weaker those particular receptors become, and the stronger he’ll be. He needs to build new, and healthier neural pathways. But, for now, typically, it’s around two weeks before I suggest you come to see him. He doesn’t have phone privileges to call you, however you’re more than welcome to phone us to see how he’s progressing. The more we can keep him focused at this massive task ahead of him and limit his distractions, the better it is for him.”
I completely understand everything he’s saying, and in order to give Jordan the best chance possible, I need to be my strongest for him. “I’ve done all the research I can, and New Dawn has a success rate of over eighty percent, which is amazing. But what reasons do you find are most typical for relapse?” I ask.
“Old behaviors. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. And there are a lot of tools we give every one of our patients to ensure they’re successful from the moment they leave here.”
“I’ll be there to help him,” I say.
Richard smiles. “I have no doubt you will be.” Standing, he makes his way over to the door and opens it. That’s our cue to leave.
“We’ll be back shortly with clothes for Jordan.”
Richard extends his hand, and shakes my hand, then Alec’s. “Take your time.”
Alec and I leave his office, walk through the corridor, and we’re buzzed out into the foyer. “You were so quiet in there,” I say to Alec.
“I’m here for your support, Serena. Do you want to check into the hotel, or find somewhere to buy clothes?”
I can’t help but yawn, but my stomach grumbles too. “I’m tired and hungry too. Maybe we can find somewhere to buy his clothes, then grab something to eat and go back to the hotel?” I pull my phone out of my pocket, and look at the time. “It’s only midday.”
“Actually, we can’t check in until two, so we may as well go get his clothes, maybe have some lunch somewhere too.” As we walk back to the car, I lean my head on Alec’s shoulder while he wraps his arm around my waist. “It’s been a big night, and an emotional morning,” he says.
There’s a stirring of reactions inside my chest and stomach. “A part of me never thought this day would actually come. But now I actually have a moment to think about it, his overdose was a godsend in that he’s actually still alive and manageable.” We get to the car, and I turn and snuggle into Alec. His strong arms wrap around my body, allowing me to appreciate his warmth and support. “Thank you, Alec. You didn’t need to be here, but you are.”
He kisses my temple, and takes in a deep breath. “Let’s go and find something to eat, and clothes for Jordan.” He unlocks the car, and opens the passenger door for me. I slide in and put my seatbelt on. By the time I’m done, he’s in the car too. I can’t help but stare at how beautiful he is. “What?” he asks.
“I don’t know how you do it. You’re so nice to look at,” I tease.
He tsks, and rolls his eyes. “I’m nice to look at?”
“Yeah, you look awfully fine to a tired woman.”
He starts the car, chuckles, then narrows his eyes and slowly turns to look at me. “I’m only fine to a tired woman?” he playfully teases.
“I suppose you’re okay to a fully awake one too.” I chuckle and jokingly shove him in the shoulder. “But in all honesty, I don’t know how you do it. I haven’t slept in what feels like days, and I can barely keep my eyes open.”
“I’m used to it. At work, our schedule is twenty-four hours on, then forty-eight hours off. So it’s something I’m used to.”
“Have you ever thought of doing anything else?”
The stern shaking of his head gives me my answer. “We come from generations of firefighters, and I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else. I love it. I think Dean, Rhett, and I were born with it running through our veins.”
“But you were hurt; doesn’t that frighten you?”
“It’s all a chance isn’t it?” he says as he glances toward me, then back to the road.
“What do you mean?” I ask, curious.
“At any moment our lives can come to an end. So why not do what you love until that moment arrives?”
“Listen to you, all philosophical and shit.” He moves his right hand and places it on my thigh.
“My old man went to work one ordinary day, and never came back. So, I figure, when death is ready, it’ll come and get me. But in the meantime, I love being a firefighter, so I’ll keep doing it until the day I can’t anymore.” I turn in my seat to fully appreciate the amazing man he is. Alec seems to sense me watching him, and he sits straighter, with chin held high. “First stop, the mall.”
I look out the window to see we’re approaching a mall. “How did you find it?”
“I thought I’d drive around for a while, and if that didn’t work, I’d look at maps on my phone. Let’s find something to eat, and get what you need.”
All three of us quite literally jumped on the plane with no luggage. I don’t even have anything to wear. We’re only here tonight, but I can’t be in these clothes anymore. I’ll find something for me too while we’re here.
Alec’s holding one of the bags from the store, and he’s got the key to the room. I’m leaning against him in the elevator on the way up to our room, and I can feel my grip loosening on the shopping bags I’m carrying as I struggle to keep my stinging eyes open. “I think I’m going to have a shower and go to sleep for two hours. I don’t want to sleep too long, because then I won’t sleep tonight,” I say in a semi-slurred voice.
“Gotcha. Shower, then bed. Oh, I’ve booked us a table for the restaurant at seven tonight, and we have to be at the airport by eleven tomorrow morning.”
The elevator door opens, and with Alec leading me, we find our room. It’s nothing overly fancy, a huge bed, a balcony, a mini bar fridge, and a bathroom. “Wow, look at those views,” I say. “Makes up for the shitty reason we’ve had to come here.” I open the door to the balcony and step outside. Alec is behind me, caging me up against the half wall with his body flush against mine. He moves my hair and kisses my neck, as he grips my hip possessively. “God, this feels so good,” I say as I close my eyes and lean into him. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been kissed with so much ferociousness. If only I was awake enough to appreciate it more.
He moves back, smacks me hard on the ass, and chuckles. “Go have a shower, and go to bed.”
My eyes are seriously closing, and as much as I want him to join me in the shower, I’m way too emotionally and physically spent to truly appreciate him. “Okay, I’m going.” Mental side note; when I wake up, I’m so going to show him my gratitude for everything he’s done.
Taking my clothes and toiletries out of the store bags, I take the tags off, and bring them into the shower with me. First thing first, I need to brush my teeth. No one likes to kiss someone with furry teeth, and mank breath. Bleh.
Stepping into the shower, it’s like pure bliss with the hot water, and the pressure of the showerhead. My eyes close, and I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a restful and calm state. If I stay here too long, I’m going to fall asleep in no time.
I turn the faucets off, step out and towel dry my body before slipping into the new pajamas I bought. I didn’t wash my hair, which means I don’t have to dry it. I open the door, and find Alec sitting outside on the balcony with a drink in his hand, gazing over the pretty views of the landscape, greenery mixed with buildings. I head out to him, and wrap my arms around his shoulders from behind. “You smell nice,” he says as he kisses my arm. “But you need sleep.”
“Don’t you too?”
“I’ll stay awake until tonight, then I’ll sleep well. I’m used to these kinds of hours.”
I want to ask him if he’d lay with me, but he appears quite content sitting out here sipping on his drink and relaxing. I give him a kiss on the cheek, then unravel myself from him. “Wake me in two hours please.”
“Okay, I will.”
I head inside, and lay on the bed, facing the balcony. Alec has the rest of his drink, stands, and comes in. He pulls the covers back, and crawls into bed facing me. “You don’t have to come in. You could’ve stayed out there.” I tuck my hands under the pillow, staring into his perfect dark eyes then move my gaze to follow the curve of his strong jawline. There’s something about Alec that just speaks to me. “Why are you still single?”
“I thought I had a girlfriend.” He smirks.
Cheeky bastard. “You do, and she’s awesome, so you better watch it, ’cause she’ll kick your ass if you don’t say she’s awesome too,” I say referring to myself in third person. He smiles wider. “But really, why haven’t you settled down already?”
“Because I’d relentlessly search for the same type of woman, and I’d always find her. But that type never held my interest long.”
“Are you telling me you’re going to be bored with me soon?”
“Hmm,” he clicks his tongue to the roof of his mouth. “I don’t think I’ll ever be bored with you. You’re nothing like what I thought I wanted.” I internally cringe, but I think my face shows my consternation. “You’re overthinking it.”
“Probably,” I agree. “It’s just...” I huff in frustration. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just so stupid tired that everything is amplified, and I’m looking at the negative instead of the positive.”
He lays his hand on my hip, leans in and kisses the tip of my nose. “You’ve been nothing but a surprise to me, Serena. It’s like when I’d take a lady out for dinner, I’d say to her, what do you feel like eating, and the reply would become tedious to me, because it was the same time and time again. They’d say, whatever you want is fine. That’s okay every now and then, but when I’m dating someone for a month and we’d go out at least once a week and she could never give me more than that, it felt like she didn’t have a voice of her own.”
“Well, you know my voice is plenty loud.”
“You call me on my shit, and I like that. I love how when we’re eating you order what you want and you eat it. Although, I must say, I wasn’t impressed about you eating my donut when we went to that cafe today.”
“You snooze, you lose, buddy,” I say and giggle. “You took way too long to drink your coffee, it was sitting there, mocking me, so I ate it.”
“You truly are phenomenal, and I’m so glad we met.”
“See, the universe has a funny way of giving us exactly what we need, even if we’re not looking for it.”
“Here we go again, the whole mumbo jumbo about meditation and crap,” he says as he rolls his eyes.
“If you hadn’t been hurt in the fire, then we would never have met. Which means, you’d be on your merry-go-round of the same milquetoast girlfriends. I wouldn’t have been able to send Jordan to New Dawn yet, and we wouldn’t be here, together.”
He scrunches his mouth, then lifts his hand from my hip and taps his chin. “Miss Whitaker, it appears you have a point.”
“See. The universe knows what it’s doing. Maybe I’ll even be able to get you into meditation.”
He places his hand on my hip again, while laughing. “Yeah, let’s not go crazy now or anything.” A massive yawn rips through me, causing my eyes to tear. “You need sleep.”
“I know, but I like talking to you.”
“Close your eyes, or you’ll force me to leave.”
I close my eyes, and the last thing I remember saying is, “Don’t go, I like it when you’re near me.”
I think I hear him say, “I love it when we’re together.” Although, that may have been me dreaming.
