Fighting Conviction by Greer Rivers
Chapter Eleven
Ellie scanned the area around the bushes to make sure the coast was clear before stuffing her bike inside them. It was easier to hide it in the wild brush now than when she and Sasha first started coming to the park. When she finished fighting the brambles, Ellie took measure of the towering Eastern White Pine, somehow seeming both much smaller and much bigger than it once had.
She circled the tree, one hand following the divots of the bark, like trails to her memory, before she once again checked to make sure nobody was watching. It was still the middle of the school day and her shoulders relaxed when she realized no one but toddlers and their caretakers were there. She didn’t have to worry about them because they were far off in the designated playground.
Satisfied she was sufficiently secluded, Ellie balanced the pink box she’d brought in one hand and climbed the tree with the other, using the gnarls in the trunk as footholds and trying to avoid getting too much sap on her hands until she reached the first wooden platform Jason had built.
Wobbly, long-forgotten tree climbing skills got her to the first nailed rung, but after that, it was a lot easier to reach each scaffold thanks to her height. Back when they were kids, it was one of the deterrents for other children to follow them up. Parents didn’t like having their child suspended on shoddy craftsmanship twenty feet up in the air. Then again, not many kids had wild brothers as their chaperones.
“How the heck did Jason ever think this was safe,” she muttered and kept climbing until she mounted the last floor, high in the tree. Ellie pushed the small box across the wooden slats and hoisted herself into a seated position against the tree.
Jason built them the treehouse when Ellie and Sasha first started going to the park. Although “treehouse” was a little generous. It was basically a bunch of two by fours haphazardly nailed in a semblance of a floor with ledges leading up to it that passed for a ladder. When she and Sasha would climb all the way up, it was a challenge to get back down. Not that they were ever eager to leave.
“It’s been a while since we’ve been up here, huh? We practically lived up here when we were little.” Ellie patted the landing and gazed up through the pine needles. “When did we stop coming up here all the time? Was it before high school? I guess we got to be too cool for treehouses.” She smoothed her hand over the well-worn wood. “We always made it for birthdays, though. Didn’t we, Sash?”
Ellie stretched her tired legs as far as they would go on the three-foot-wide platform before leaning against the trunk. “Geez, Louise, you’d think I wouldn’t be out of shape with Dev running me ragged all the dang time.”
The past week had been lonely, but unfortunately necessary. Part of her was disappointed and ashamed Dev had canceled two of their training sessions. The other part had been relieved.
They’d finally gotten back to it that morning, but Dev was more closed off than ever. To make matters worse, she’d been preoccupied thinking about the last time she’d seen him, when she’d been a pathetic ball of emotion and he’d—well, if the wide-eyed, tongue-tied look Dev wore was any indication—he’d been terrified.
She’d used the vacancy in her schedule to call her therapist and squeeze in a few therapy sessions over the phone. Discussing freak-out moments whenever Ellie needed to was one of the perks of appointments over the phone. They’d discussed how Ellie had gone nuts at the shooting range at the mere thought of being intimate. It’d helped. Sometimes talking through her issues was all she needed. Her therapist even said acknowledging both with herself and with Dev what happened—and that it could happen again—was a healthy first step to moving on.
It sounded easy enough. Just talk to Dev. She’d talked so many of her issues to death over the past year she should’ve been a pro. But every time she’d opened her mouth to open up to him about it, she’d snapped it shut again. Taking that ‘first step’ felt like gearing up to jump out of her treehouse.
After collecting her breath, Ellie opened the small “Go Nuts Donuts” box and pulled out her chocolate glazed, cream-filled donut. She then reached for the next one and pretended to gag.
“Here’s your gross one, Sash. I can’t believe you like freakin’ sour cream, ya loon.” Ellie placed it on the edge of the floor in front of her and sighed.
“Happy birthday to you,” she sang softly under her breath, not caring she was a little off key. Sasha always sang the melody and had made Ellie find the harmony. Admittedly, Ellie was never any good at doing either. That was part of the fun, though.
“Cheers.” she whispered, her voice cracking on the word as she brought her donut up to “clink” against what would’ve been Sasha’s sour cream donut.
“So, um.” Ellie cleared her throat. “My therapist said it’d be good to keep up tradition, if I was ready for it.” She took a fortifying breath. “And I-I think I am. I, um… We haven’t been up here since your last birthday, ya know. We only would’ve had to wait a week to do mine too, but…You were gone.” She swallowed. “I imagine you’ve seen it all. I hope you have anyway, since you’re up there somewhere.” Her gaze glossed over the carved letters in the trunk of the tree.
SS+ES=BFFs 4 LIFE EVER AND EVER AND EVER.
Ellie chuckled. “I remember when we did this.” She traced the carving with her fingertips. “We were still in elementary school and you stole Jason’s pocket knife, you rebel. After I carved it, you yelled, ‘Besties for life’ and nearly fell off the dang tree tryna hide from the kids who heard you.” The lump in her throat grew until it was nearly impossible to talk. “Then… do you remember what you said?” Ellie smiled as the memory answered in her mind.
“You know what? Life isn’t long enough, El.” Sasha grabbed the pocket knife and flipped it open before bending to carve.
“What’re you writing?” Ellie asked, trying her best to balance and see around Sasha’s curly hair.
“There.” Sasha leaned to the side and twirled her hand to reveal her masterpiece.
“You carved over ‘life’?” Ellie tilted her head. “Why?”
“Who wants life when you can have forever? Best friends forever, and ever, and ever. And then, you know… beyond that.” Sasha smiled through the teeth she’d lost. “You’re stuck with me, bestie.”
Ellie blinked back the sting in her eyes and leaned against the tree. “You were right,” she choked. “Life wasn’t long enough.” She wiped away the moisture on her cheeks until she gave up the battle and let the tears flow, tired of fighting them back. If she couldn’t be free to be emotional high up in their treehouse, she couldn’t be free anywhere.
It’d been a long time since she’d let go. Mostly she welcomed the empty numbness clouding her daily life. But after spending so much time with Dev for the last month, her emotions were wrecked. Especially after losing her mind the week before. She needed to let it out. Besides, Sasha would’ve wanted to hear everything.
With that in mind, Ellie smiled softly and took a bite from her donut.
“Like I said, I don’t know how much you’ve seen. But I kissed a boy… and then totally freaked out on him,” she began around her mouthful. Her legs were much longer than they used to be and Ellie propped her feet on one of the branches to make sure she didn’t slide off the small platform.
“Oof, how we stayed up here all the time when we were kids is a mystery to me and my butt right now.” She rubbed at the sore spot quickly forming on her behind. “Doesn’t help I’ve been getting beat up lately…” She waited with a grin, pretending she would get a response.
“Beat up? No shit, girl. Who do I need to kill?”
Ellie laughed and closed her eyes to better imagine her friend angry at the world on her behalf. It was one of the best things about her. Everyone needs a champion.
“The same boy who kissed me, if you’ll believe it. He’s my self-defense trainer you like so much. I believe you said I should let him bend me over…”
“Hm, I still don’t know if he’s delicious or dickish. Spill, girl. I need more deets.”
“There’s not much to tell.” Ellie shrugged. “I don’t know what to do with him. He’s sweet… well, to me. He’s kinda… I don’t know… surly, maybe? He’s hot as heck. I like him, ya know? I think he likes me, too. But I’m worried now he thinks I’m… broken…” She sighed, thinking about her reaction the week before. “Maybe I am… like I said, I lost it when we tried to go farther than a kiss. You would’ve thought I was a blushing virgin.”
There was a snort in her mind. “Okay, I’m technically still a virgin, you’re right. But I’ve done pretty much everything else… sorta.” She rolled her eyes and chuckled to her friend. “Anyway, I’ve talked it over with my therapist, and I think I’ll be ready next time. Because let me tell ya, if he isn’t traumatized by my trauma then I wouldn’t mind using him to get that technicality outta the way. I just hope I didn’t screw it up or scare him away with my freak-out.”
“If he’s right for you, babe, he’ll be back around. Give that shit up to the universe. Let fate decide.”
“You always did believe in manifestation stuff.” She tried to ignore the cynic inside her that seethed when she thought of how her friend had trusted the universe, only to have the universe betray her by taking her too soon.
“Trust the universe, babe. Set your intentions!”
“I don’t want to fight with you, girl. Not on your birthday,” she teased and smiled before sobering at the next thought. “He’s the one… he’s the one who—” She swallowed back the emotion that threatened to overwhelm her every time she remembered herself almost a year ago. The trauma she’d been through had created a different person. “He was the first one to reach me back then and the only one I remember during the rescue. He’s the one who saved me.”
More tears rolled down her cheeks. “I’m sorry he didn’t save you, too.” Her breath caught. “I-I’m sorry I didn’t save you.” Ellie brought her hand up to her aching chest, wishing her heart would go ahead and crack open the rest of the way to finally let her shame break free.
She’d never escape that darkness, though. Regret was a part of her now. When she saw her friend being beaten, raped, and murdered, pain had burrowed inside her. It was a parasite, sucking the life out of her every day, despite all the hard work she put into trying to just live at all.
For months, Ellie’s therapist had tried to convince her that Ellie had been drugged and helpless to do anything for her friend or the rest of the women she was trapped with.
But there was a part of Ellie that knew the truth. That deep down, fear had ruled over her that night. Ellie had told everyone she couldn’t do anything. But that night, Ellie’s most terrible sin was she hadn’t wanted to do anything.
It was a brief moment, all of it now seemed to have passed by in a hazy instant, but it’d felt like forever then. She’d been too afraid to move. Too afraid to cry out. Too afraid to have the same thing happening to Sasha, happen to her. But it was a damning conviction. Ellie hadn’t been helpless. She’d been a coward.
It was that part of herself she hated.
“That’s why I do what I do, ya know?” she explained, as if Sasha had been privy to her introspection. Heck, for all Ellie knew, she could be. “I help those victims who don’t have anyone else. Who think there’s no way out. I-I’m trying to be braver. Make up for my failure.” She sighed and held herself in a hug. “But, to be honest, it’s exhausting.”
Tired muscles screamed out at her, confirming her confession. Ellie tugged her legs close to wrap her arms around herself and lay her head on her knees. The cold breeze lifted her hair and Ellie closed her eyes with both gratitude and guilt for the chilly whispers pricking the few inches of bare skin exposed to the elements. Gratitude that she was alive to feel the bite of cold air at all, and guilt that Sasha never would again.
