Vik by Belle Aurora

27

Nastasia

It was odd,knowing I had a little human growing inside me. I would have thought I’d feel different somehow, but maybe that came later. I don’t know what I thought might happen the day I found out I was pregnant. I guess I assumed the world would look changed. Maybe colors would seem brighter. That I might be consumed by a happiness never felt before. Feel an optimism that outweighed all doubts.

But as I woke up drooling on my pillow, all I felt was tender in the tummy.

I had to say—it was all rather anticlimactic.

And as I groaned quietly, nuzzling my face into the dry side of my pillow, I realized, gut-wrenchingly, that I was still a woman who had no plan, was a mess, and, worst of all, was without her man.

All that, and I was expected to be someone’s mother?

Hell. That couldn’t be good, right?

I didn’t have a clear enough mind to think on it. Right now, all I could do was take one small step at a time.

After the initial positive, I might have panicked, diving into the drawers of the vanity to retrieve the bag of pregnancy tests Mina had left at my place. One by one, I dipped them, used a dropper to fill the small hole, then waited for them to develop until my entire bathroom sink was covered in white plastic sticks.

One after another, they all gave the same result.

Positive. Pregnant. A smiley face. Two little pink lines.

I sat slumped on the closed lid of the toilet, chewing gum and staring into nothingness.

As far as plans went, this little surprise wasn’t one of them. It wasn’t even on my radar. Hell, I didn’t even know if I wanted kids. But you know what they say. When life hands you lemons, bring out the tequila and salt. Which I would have to offer to my friends, as I was no longer allowed to drink.

My brow furrowed as I chewed faster, and my knee began to bob rapidly as the reality of this situation hit me.

I was pregnant.

Holy shit.

Dude.

It took no time at all to make a decision. There was no question. I knew my life could have been better. I wished I had more to offer this child than a fractured home and some sparkly tidbits. I would probably need to read a book or two about it, but I was having this baby.

My mind was already working with thoughts on how to babyproof this place. I shot up off the toilet and walked the long upstairs hall, deciding where the nursery would be. How did I want it decorated? Neutrals were a safe bet. Did I want to know the sex or leave it as a surprise? My mouth pulled down. I really hated surprises. I already started to look up the best baby monitors and the safest car seats, which bath products contained the least amount of chemicals, and what difference organic cotton made. My phone in one hand, the fingers of the other shot to my forehead, picking anxiously at my skin as I continued to read.

This shit was complicated.

The more I read, the more anxious I became about buying the wrong binky or not using the right brand of diapers.

A quick scroll through some parenting forums had my brows lifting to my hairline.

Turns out, the harshest critics of mothers were… well, mothers.

“Geez,” I muttered as my eyes took in the absolute shitshow that was a momma using a common name-brand shampoo for her children. One woman told her that she obviously didn’t care for her kids. Another told her she should be ashamed of herself. My eyes widened in shock when one poster called the woman a murderer. Over shampoo. “C’mon now. What ever happened to women backing women?”

Apparently, that didn’t apply to the holier-than-thou mothers of the internet.

And, just like that, before this baby was even born, I already felt like I was royally screwing up.

But the thought of a baby girl with Vik’s clear-blue eyes or a little boy with the trademark Leokov dimple had my heart in knots.

I found myself uncharacteristically emotional, crying on and off for the better part of the evening. You know, people talked about how unprepared they were for the love they felt when they first met their child. At the time, I may not have understood that, but I did now. This little bean hadn’t even arrived, hadn’t even taken its first breath, and I would willingly kill for it.

I vowed to protect this child with all I had, doing all I could to keep it out of harm’s way.

My mind plagued me.

How was I going to tell him?

Whether or not Vik would be a part of the process was not for me to decide. He hadn’t signed up for this. The apprehension of having that conversation was enough to make me hyperventilate. I couldn’t keep it a secret forever. If my calculations were correct, and I was pretty sure they were, I was close to six weeks pregnant. And due to the fact that I had no idea what I was doing, I decided to call Pox.

Pox was one of those people who came along with men like my brothers. He was an extremely intelligent man, one who kept to himself but also worked with a lot of questionable people. Because of this, he let a lot slide. After all, when you dealt with crooks, you became crooked yourself, and as long as the price was right, there wasn’t a job he wouldn’t do.

I didn’t know his real name. I doubted most anyone did apart from his family and a select few. What I did know of Pox was that he was once a doctor who was a part of something that led to him losing his license. I didn’t know what he did to get his license revoked, but I guess it didn’t matter. He no longer practiced medicine in a traditional manner, lending his skills to firm, syndicates, outfits, and gangs all over the state.

He was trusted enough to have his number saved in the phones of some of the most dangerous men in the country. His nickname stemmed from the pock-marked skin on his cheeks, and although I didn’t always feel comfortable calling him Pox, he never seemed to mind it.

This was one of those moments Sasha had referred to. And as I scrolled to find his number, I counted myself lucky to have a man as discreet as Pox at my beck and call.

A quick phone call to the man and I had an appointment booked in to see his sister, an OB/GYN, that afternoon. It was all moving so quickly. I didn’t have time to think too deeply about anything. I didn’t want to think too deeply about anything. Not until I saw the doctor.

I thought to be inconspicuous, but when I made my way over to Lev and Mina’s to find a full house, I found it hard to act right. Letting myself in, I called out, “Hello?” but got no response. It was easy enough to figure out why when I heard conversation coming from the kitchen.

My stomach flip-flopped when I saw him.

The father of my child, the one true love of my life, sitting there without a clue as to how our lives were about to change.

“Hey, there she is.” Vik straightened in his seat. I spared him a small smile, my fingers glancing his shoulder as I passed, gratitude in my touch.

A murmur of greetings followed. Vik and Anika sat at the table with Lev and Mina while Sasha stood off to the side, standing close to where Alessio sat on a stool at the counter, holding our chubby little Lidi, who looked about ready to fall asleep with her head on his shoulder. Not surprisingly, Cora sat on the stool beside him, looking over him with love shining brightly in her eyes.

Alessio caught her stare and frowned down at her. “You need something?”

“No.” She grinned widely. “I’m good.” Then she rested her head on his free shoulder like it was her God-given right.

It didn’t pass me over that although he seemed annoyed by the attention, Alessio let her.

When I approached, I gave him a light peck on the cheek, and he showed his appreciation by uttering, “Heard you barfed everywhere the other night.”

Jerk.

“I didn’t barf everywhere, thank you very much. I barfed once, and I made it to the toilet in time,” I muttered, taking Lidi’s curly pigtail and twirling it around my finger. “And I’m feeling much better, thanks for asking.”

Vik’s mouth pulled down. “You’re not working tonight, are you?” Before I could respond, he looked to Sasha and prompted, “Don’t you think she should take the night off?”

Sasha crossed his arms over his chest. “That’s up to Nastasia.”

Cora wrapped her fingers around Alessio’s upper arm and snuggled into his free shoulder. “She looks okay to me.”

“She has regained color.” Anika leaned in, observing me closely.

Mina looked me up and down, as if trying to spot if I was dying or not. “Maybe we should call Pox.”

Lev, as always, said the right thing at the right time. “Did you eat a banana?”

God. Why did I even come here?

I put my hands up in surrender. “Firstly, I’m good. Really. Secondly, no, I won’t be working tonight. And thirdly, I’ve already called Pox and have an appointment with him this afternoon.” My bored stare landed on a worried-looking Mina. “Just in case.”

“Do you want me to drive you?” asked Mina sweetly.

I responded just as sugary. “No, because I’d like to get there in one piece.”

Her face bunched. “I’m not that bad a driver.”

“You stopped in the middle of the highway,” I deadpanned. “Slammed on the brakes. Almost caused a pile up.”

“I thought I hit something!” she exclaimed.

My brow rose. “And what was it, Mina? What did you hit?”

At least she had the grace to look embarrassed.

“Balled up socks,” she mumbled.

“Ha!” came from Cora. Her body shook as she laughed out loud.

“Socks,” I confirmed. “You held up traffic for dirty, old socks. Yeah. I’d rather ask the crackhead at the mall to drive me, honey.”

Mina turned to Lev, wide-eyed and moping, as she let out a hushed, “I thought it was a kitten.”

Vik spoke then. “I’ll take you.”

And I balked.

Oh hell no, he wasn’t.

I feigned ease. “I’m good, really. Thanks.”

He looked at me then, as if seeing right through me. “Not a question. I want to take you.”

And because I would have done anything to avoid that situation, I looked to his sister, at the vacancy in her eyes, and said, “Anika will go with me. Right, Ani?”

She blinked back into focus, turning to face me. I shot her a look. She must have read between the lines, because she nodded almost immediately. “Of course.”

Phew.

“See?” I reassured Vik with a smile. “No problem.”

He didn’t appear satisfied. In fact, his lips thinned in displeasure, and his body language changed, became more rigid, inflexible, but he let it go. I had a feeling his need to care for me had to do with his inability to stay with me when I was sick. As though he was trying to make it up to me, which was super sweet. It pained me to keep this secret, but he was not going to find out about this pregnancy until I was ready for him to know.

My inkling was confirmed when it was time for Anika and me to leave and Vik saw us out. As I walked out of the house, Vik reached out, taking hold of my wrist between gentle fingers. Anika’s gaze flittered down to where her brother held me, and her eyes rested on the spot before she looked up and said tonelessly, “I’ll go wait by the car,” then off she went.

The warmth of his hand on me had my stomach clenching. More so when he asked, “Are we good?”

The way he looked at me, with uncertainty in his eyes, had me feeling like a jerk.

No hesitation. “Always.”

Vik blew out a long breath, his expression frustrated. “Then why do I feel like you’re pulling away again?”

Pulling away again?

Confusion swept through me, but more than that, my chest squeezed in a way that said the accusation may not have been so farfetched. That I’d been exposed.

That hand tugged, drawing me closer. “I thought we were doing okay.”

We were. “We are.”

His voice rough, he ordered gently, “Then stop pushing me away.”

I wasn’t. Was I?

I didn’t know what to say, and so Vik filled the space. “I know I’m not the smartest man, but I know the routine you spin. Old habits, right? Every time you pull away, you make me work so fucking hard to have you again, and just when I think we’re good, just when I start to feel content, you distance yourself. A constant push and pull. You’re playing tug-o-war with my heart.”

No, I wasn’t. I didn’t.

When he stepped back, I felt the tremendous loss of him. “Not a fool, kiska. You’ve said it before. That I can’t commit.” He put his hands to his hips, and the unhurried, pained way he spoke damn near broke my heart. “Baby, I can’t believe I have to explain this to you, but I’ve been committed to you for almost thirteen years with the hopes of having you forever and always.” My heart both swelled and sank simultaneously. But it dropped completely when he uttered a dejected, “And I’m starting to think it’s you who can’t commit to me.”

Vik left me there on the porch, alone with my thoughts, and what a mess they were.

He wasn’t right, of course. He couldn’t be.

Isn’t he?

No. Because that would make me the bad guy here.

Then why is your heart beating so fast?

Sure, I had a habit of detecting a risk before there was one. I took preemptive measures to protect myself, my heart. And every time I felt that niggling feeling that something wasn’t right, I—my chest squeezed with the acknowledgement—ran.

My mind buzzed. That comprehension sat a while, and it festered.

I loathed to admit it, but… but maybe he was right.

Regrettably, I could only deal with one thing at a time, and I had a doctor’s appointment to attend.