Runaways by Nicole Dykes
“Rae.” I look up at the sound of the familiar voice that fills me with a happiness I haven’t known before.
Lawson slings his backpack over his shoulder, his hair tousled and as beautiful as he is. He’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt. His hands are stained with different colors of paint, and I can’t stop the smile from forming on my lips despite the ache inside me from our fight last night and my mother and Colin’s cruel words. “Hi.”
He stops in front of me. “Did you drive to school today?”
I nod. Now that I have a car of my own, the car service is no longer needed. “I did.”
I bite my bottom lip, sliding my hands into the pockets of the hoodie I stole from him and wear as often as I can. It’s awkward, standing here but not saying the things I want to tell him after our fight last night. “Good. Come over.”
It’s not a question, but it’s not a scary demand either. I always know, with Lawson, I have the option to say no. “Okay.”
He looks over his shoulder, and the nervousness there tells me he’s looking for Colin. He gives me a quick kiss on my cheek and then starts toward the parking lot. I don’t see Colin anywhere, but that doesn’t mean he’s not watching.
I always feel like he’s watching me.
I close my locker and head out to my car, making my way to Lawson’s house and parking my car behind his. He’s next to me the minute I climb out of my car. His strong arms wrap around me, and I melt into him.
I missed him so much today, but I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know whether he was mad at me or if what Colin is doing had finally pushed him away from me. But in his arms, I feel safe. “I love you, Rae.”
His voice is low and raspy against my ear, and I let out a quiet whimper that’s full of sadness because I love him too. I love him so much it hurts, but not in the same way that my mother makes me hurt. With Lawson, I’m terrified to lose him because he’s so damn good.
“I love you, Law.”
“Let’s go inside.” He takes my hand, and I don’t argue with him, following him inside to his room. He closes the door and then takes a seat on the edge of his bed. I can tell he has something on his mind, and I know I don’t want to talk about it.
“Tell me what happened.”
I’m already shaking my head as I approach him and cautiously sit next to him. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
He turns to me, wrapping my hair in his big hand and holding it there, looking into my eyes. “I know you don’t. I get it. Believe me, I get it.” His eyes are pleading with me, and it nearly breaks me. “But you need a safe space. I may not be able to fix it, or stop it, but you need someone to talk to, Rae. And that’s me.”
I want to so badly. “Lawson,” I breathe. His fingers are still entangled in my hair as I tip my chin down. “I don’t want you to see me differently.”
He uses his hand to urge me to look up at him. “That could never happen. Never.”
I nod my head slowly. “I feel so gross.”
“You aren’t. He is. You’re beautiful.” His thumb swipes over my lips as he cups my cheek, and I lean into his touch. “Tell me what happened, Rae. What he did. Why you have a bruise on your arm.”
And I can’t hold back anymore. I just can’t. Maybe I’m weak, but after holding it in so long, I can’t take it anymore. “He was waiting for me when I got out of my shower.” I look into his eyes, and I see the anger burning in them, but I don’t see disgust directed at me. “He grabbed me. He threatened me and told me he’ll have me.”
He drops his hand from my face and wraps an arm around my waist, holding me to him. “It’s okay, Rae. That will never happen.”
But he wasn’t there. He didn’t see the determination in Colin’s eyes. “He’s sick, Law. He acts like I want this.”
“I know,” he says softly. I don’t know how he can know that, but I don’t care. I just let him slide his hand over the back of my hair and comfort me. “Did he do anything else?”
I cringe, but I know he really is my safe space. “He yanked my towel off me. It was so stupid. I should have locked my door when I took my shower. I shouldn’t have walked to my room in just a towel.”
He holds me tighter to him. “You should be safe in your own home. None of that is your fault.”
“He wouldn’t stop looking at me.” I hold my stomach. “He made me feel so dirty.”
“I’m sorry, Rae. I’m so fucking sorry.” He grasps my face in both hands, pulling me back so he can look at me. “I would do anything to keep you away from him.”
“One more year,” I remind myself, but a year feels like an eternity.
He doesn’t look like the only one more year thing relieves him either. “Maybe you can stay here. I can talk to Nash—”
I shake my head, silencing him. “No. My mother and Colin would never allow it.”
“He’s hurting you. He could . . . God, Rae . . . He could . . .” He stands up, and I see the anger destroying him. And I can’t help feeling like it’s my fault.
I stand and grab his wrists, noticing that his hands are both bundled into furious fists. This is what I’ve been afraid of. He looks like he could run out of here, hunt Colin down, and beat him to a bloody pulp.
Which, of course, sounds good to me—at first. Until Lawson ends up in jail and loses everything he’s worked so hard for and Colin walks away free, looking like a victim. “Stop.”
His eyes meet mine, his glazed over with fury. “Rae, I can’t stand thinking about his hands on you.”
I choke back a cry because it won’t help either of us right now for me to break down. Instead, I take a deep breath and hold onto him. “I don’t want his hands on me. I don’t want to hear his vile comments or to even see his stupid face. But until I graduate and go to college . . . I’m trapped there, Law. We can’t do anything about that.”
He looks into my eyes, pleading with me. And God help me, my heart nearly cracks in half. “Your mom . . .”
I give a quick shake of my head. “I told her last night. I showed her my arm.”
“And?”
My throat hurts from the pain and emotion clogging it, but I try to swallow it down, clearing my throat weakly. “And she doesn’t believe me. She doesn’t want to. She wants to live in her fantasy world with him.”
“That’s fucked up.”
I offer a weak smile. “I know.”
“Rae . . .” he breathes my name in that deep, husky tone I love as he pulls gently from my grasp and cups my face in his big, comforting hands. “What can we do?”
“Nothing.” Before he can argue, I say, “We can just make the best of the good while I ride out the bad.”
“I don’t want you to do that on your own.”
I nod and stand on my tiptoes to bring my lips near his. “Good. I don’t want to either. I want you. Only you. I want the good memories with you that block out the bad with him. I want to feel good. I want to feel you so he can’t come close to truly touching me.”
I let my hands slide over his chest and the cotton of his t-shirt. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I want you.”
He studies me, and I know he understands what I’m saying. “We talked about this. I thought you wanted to wait until we were out of here.”
“Why wait though?” He cocks his head to the side. He’s right, we’ve talked about it. Both of us agreed it would be best to avoid actual sex until we weren’t in high school. “I love you. I know that. It’s always going to be you. So why wait?”
“Pregnancy,” he offers, in that matter-of-fact way only Lawson Davis can.
“Right. I’ve taken care of that.” His brow furrows, and I smile, tugging him toward the bed where we sit on the edge again. “I went to a clinic. They were helpful and understanding that I didn’t want my mom to know anything. They gave me condoms, and I started the pill a few months ago.”
I hold my breath, hoping he doesn’t think I’m a slut. I meant what I said, I don’t want to ruin anything for him, but I still want him. “Well, Nash has also not so subtly stocked my drawer with condoms over the past few months.”
I laugh at that and blush. “Oh, that’s just great.”
He laughs too, taking my hand in his. “We don’t have to do this though. I’m happy with what we have now, Rae. Don’t rush this because of that fucking asshole.”
“This has nothing to do with Colin.” He cocks his head to the side like he doesn’t believe me. “Okay. Maybe it does in a roundabout way. But really, it’s about not letting him take everything away from me. I know I’d want this regardless of anything he does, and the only reason I’ve held back is because . . .” I sigh, “I don’t want to ruin you.”
He laughs at that, but I look at him, letting him know it’s not funny. Still, he smiles. “Rae, you couldn’t ruin me if you tried. You saved me.”
I kiss him, running my fingers through his thick hair. “I love you. I want you. In every way. I don’t want to wait anymore, but I do want to be as careful as we can be.”
He nods his head slowly, his eyes drifting to the table next to his bed as he swallows hard. “Like now?”
I nod, removing my shirt and looking into his eyes. The nerves in my belly are growing stronger, but they’re excited flutters too. “Yes.”
We kiss for a long time, making out on his bed like we’ve done numerous times. Our clothes slowly come off. Finally, we’re both naked, and he’s sheathed in a condom, resting between my legs.
“Are you sure, Rae?”
I smile, grasping the back of his neck and pulling him down for a kiss. “I’m sure. I want this.”
“You know you’ll have me no matter what, right?”
I nod, wiping away a tear that dared to fall during the best moment of my life so far. “I know.” He looks like he’s about to pull away when he sees the tear, but I don’t let him go. “Kiss me.”
He does, and when he slowly presses inside of me with care and tenderness, it naturally hurts and is uncomfortable, but it’s also beautiful.
Because it’s Lawson and me.
